Question: What role do psychological tests determining the similarity of partners play with regard to love? We, indeed, have particular feelings toward one another which are different from an intellectual examination of someone with whom it is worthwhile for me to start a business. How do we integrate emotion with intellect?

Answer: This is already the second stage. First of all, intuitively, we always try to follow our feelings, and only after this, do we activate the intellect. However, emotions can change in a moment.

A first acquaintance is enough for me not to reject a potential partner. His external appearance, behavior, and manners must cause at least neutral feelings in me, and even attract me a bit. Indeed, a family that must exist together for many years cannot be based upon egoistic sexual attraction.

Comment: However, it is not enough for me that a woman doesn’t just repulse me. I want to find the most attractive woman in the world in every sense: beautiful, sensitive, wise, and sexy. It is a dream that I have looked for all my life!

Answer: Love doesn’t depend upon the external form. It is enough that the external appearance of the partner will not seem repulsive and will be somewhat pleasing to you. You need to be ready to eat out of her hands! You must feel pleasure from touching her, from her concern.

There must be some magic with her. This is not a maddening attraction where you lose your head because of her, rather simply pleasure from physical, intellectual, and emotional contact. You must have pleasure from this and nothing more!

This is not yet love. Love comes later as a result of developing all these connections. Love is a habit of attributing the pleasure that I get with the partner. So, I begin to love.

Here is a possible example: If I take a dog that begins to live by my side, and I feed him, take care of him, and am concerned for him, he will begin to love me. However, what is the difference between a person and a dog? It is known that people who adopt foreign children and begin to take care of them eventually love them no less and even more than they would loved them if they were their biological children. You see that they invest much more effort in these children because they are afraid that they might not love their adopting parents.

The same thing happens in relationships between couples. If we invest effort in one another and know how to develop this shared investment, the emotion that is created from it is called love. This means that love is my attitude towards the person next to me, where it is pleasant to feel him next to me all the time.

I love his friendship, his relationship to me, and his contact. I need to be connected with him. In fact, this is called love, and it is not connected to sexual attraction at all. This is talking about an inner feeling where I miss feeling this person near me.

Often, partners complain about the difficulties in building intimate relations. However, intimate relations are not built upon sexual connection. After a need for contact  with another person is awakened in me, I feel pleasure from his being near me. Above this, we build completely different sexual relationships.

These relationships are a wonderful addition to an even deeper connection between us, and then we truly can enjoy one another. I don’t use my partner, her body, but it is truly pleasant for me to feel that she enjoys me and my enjoyment of her.

This is the entire range of connections between us on different levels, and so the emotion from an intimate connection is absolutely different, for it is much deeper and intense. Specifically because I bestow to another, waves of love and union come to me. This is just as it is written in Psalms, Song of Songs 6:3: “I am my beloved’s, and my beloved is mine.”
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From the program “A New Life” 6/09/2013

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Question: How can I be sure that a certain woman is right for me?

Answer: I look at her and see two different people in her who behave in two different ways. Besides, I know myself and the way I behave. It is as if I exit myself and study myself as a psychologist. Then as a third independent spectator, I can see to what extent we two, she and I fit together.

We are suitable for one another only to the extent that we are ready to make mutual concessions. On the whole, any two systems can connect by making concessions.

But it is very hard work and we should look for a matching partner: the character should be the same, which means that both should be calm or they should be burning like fire, and they should care about the same things. The more common attributes we have to begin with, the easier it will be to establish a successful connection.

First of all, we must understand one another. The mutual understanding stems from a common interest, which means as a result of mutual concessions and a similar attitude to life. This attitude is formed during wisdom of connection courses because we need to reformat ourselves.

Of course, we should have the same plans and the same view of life, because without this a family cannot exist. How do we both imagine a successful family? How can we make one another happy? Do we understand what our partner enjoys?

In other words, we have come to a mutual understanding in every respect. If I marry a woman from a totally foreign culture, who grew up at the other end of the world, we are not suitable for each other from the start. It is doubtful whether we can ever manage. We come from different cultures and our perspectives are different in every way, our goals are different, and we have a different idea of what a family is, but we have to get along because each one wants to live the life he or she is used to. So we have to make concessions and do what suits the other although we would do things differently according to our own nature, culture, and upbringing. The level of our adaptability is very important if each of us wants to understand the other.

The most prominent problem is in the kitchen because food is one of a person’s basic habits that he brings from his parents’ home. It is the same with regard to all the other values. I want my wife to value the same things that I do and that she will have the same goal in life, the same image of a successful family, the same attitude toward children, toward parents, and toward the environment.

It isn’t just an agreement between us but compatibility of our inner character with regard to every aspect in life, both giving it the same level of importance.

We don’t just talk as if we agree and have decided to get married. It has to be a deep true psychological study that we conduct in the process of many meetings. Otherwise, people get married and then it turns out that they have nothing in common.
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From KabTV’s “A New Life” 6/9/13

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Opinion (Nina Erofeeva, Ph.D. Education, Professor of Udmurt State University, Russia): “The learning strategy at all levels of education is designed more for girls. One of the main reasons for this is a higher percentage of women teachers, and women’s type of thinking is different. Pedagogical collectives are feminine in organizational culture.

“The following qualities are dominant: the desire to be ordinary (the desire to be the first dominates in masculine culture); interest in problems directed at using new (and not at creating new); more attention is paid to the opinions of others (rather than facts); care about people (not success) is valued more; intuition and consensus (rather than decisive actions) are taken into account in decision making; relationships are more important than results (and not vice versa).

“School lessons are mostly verbal, oriented to the left hemisphere. Girls do well with typical tasks, requiring the algorithm to solve them, and boys do well with creative tasks. Most often, there is only enough time during the lesson to solve problems with the algorithm, but not enough time for creative problems.

“A lack of teaching methods to children of both genders facilitates girls’ education. Boys begin to feel unlucky, do not acquire key skills, and lose interest in learning. The educational system makes it impossible to realize the research potential of the stronger sex.

“Men teachers, teaching mathematics and natural sciences, teach their subjects in full accordance with the structure of their male brain, so the girls who study math and science in high school are behind their male classmates. The structure of men’s speech is a logical chain of three parts: introduction, content and conclusions.

“The woman’s speech is multifaceted; it can lead multiple storylines and even intervene simultaneously in other people’s conversations; men cannot keep track of its structure and lose interest. When a woman teacher teaches a lesson, she simultaneously hears students talking. Commenting on them, she departs from the topic of the lesson; boys immediately lose the storyline and find it difficult to return to the topic.

“A woman teacher can start with one subject and jump to another in mid-sentence, then back to the first, mentioning something extraneous. Such diversity tires boys, whose brains can only look at one line at a time and process information only on one subject.

“The information flow between the right and left hemispheres of the female brain is more powerful, so girls can talk and listen simultaneously. Boys can either speak or listen, but cannot do both at the same time, thus it is difficult for them to write dictation. For them, the text needs to be first read and then dictated.

“The basic assumptions for the introduction of separate education:

• Most of the educational methods and techniques are designed for an average person.
• The education of boys and girls of the same age, but of a different psychological age (due to the difference in physical development), brings a negative impact on the culture of their communication;
• Contrary to the popular belief that co-education helps them build optimal interpersonal relationships, it is not so. Interpersonal relationships between boys and girls in traditional education are extremely limited.

“These factors do not allow them to find understanding in family relationships.”

My Comment: According to Kabbalah, men and women are so different that they should be separated at the age of two, and children raised by same sex caretakers. Only then will we all be able to fulfill our mission, which is to achieve likeness with the Creator through our correct connection: “A man and a woman and the revelation of the Creator between them.”
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Question: If a child is angry and irritable what flaw in the parents does it indicate? What does the child lack that they should give him? Does he lack their attention?

Answer: Parents should not search for the source of a teenager’s anger. A child has his own inner inquiries but still doesn’t understand what they are exactly yet. He cannot clarify them by himself, yet and he feels bad about not finding a solution for them.

At this age it is natural since his whole life is still ahead of him, the world is confusing and he feels the pressure of his peers and of the environment. On the other hand, he goes through different inner changes. Here there is a need for the right formula of communicating with the teenager.

It is a good idea to make an effort to relieve the pressure of complicated states that children find themselves in by an outing or through sports. If possible, they should be taken away from the city for a couple of months, but the best thing is to engage them in sports, since it is energy, it is development, it is communication.

Question: I remember when I was a teenager. When conflict arose between my parents, I always felt worried about whether they would make up. What should parents do in such cases? Do they have to work together to resolve the rift in the relationship or should they immediately come out with it and try to overcome the crisis together with the children?

Answer: Parents should not try to conceal that some differences exist. They should try to explain everything to the child and solve their problems, but still, they don’t have to tell the kids everything.

After all, there are many problems between adults and a child does not need to know about all of them. He cannot perceive and digest all the conflicts adults have and all the more so if the conflicts are between his parents. We have to protect the child’s psyche. Parents will always have conflicts that it is better for kids not to know about.
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From KabTV’s “Conversations with Michael Laitman” 12/11/13

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Question: Part of the connection workshops that we have done were dedicated to clarification of the difference between the sexes. First the women talked about how they see the men and how they see themselves.

Then the men expressed how they see themselves and how they see the women. This picture was compared, and it was surprising to see how different we are.

After that both the men and the women seemingly gathered all of their characteristics into a few “baskets,” and began to think about how to fulfill these qualities of the other sex: What do they want and what could they give to each other? Is it worthwhile to use an exercise like this as a game in family circles with adolescents?

Answer: This is very difficult, because here it is necessary to gradually become detached from yourself, to begin to think with the head of another person, to live in his desires, to enter into him. It follows that the abilities are mine and the desires are his, as if I live with my body but with his desires, in that we complete them and he completes mine. Here we go out to another level of cooperation, to absolute bestowal.

This is integration with each other. This is really true love: not physical, not platonic, not sexual, but precisely true integration with each other. It is doubtful that this exercise is appropriate for the family because in it the gender differences are blurred and appear differently. If we arrange this game for a circle of adolescents, then this must only be in a very advanced group.

To begin with, I would insert a discussion among the adolescents in the form of a courthouse, where a person would look at himself from the side, discussing the others not from his point of view but from the side of the other, as an arbitrator. That is how they would learn to be flexible, to discuss not only themselves but also others. This is what you need to teach them.
[131653]
From KabTV’s “Conversations with Michael Laitman” 12/11/13

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Question: In the wisdom of connection there is an exercise called “the ideal husband.” Is it worthwhile to change this into a game where each of the members of the family describes the others to himself as ideal?

Answer: Certainly; this is very interesting. But, at the same time, we must always leave some kind of delta (incremental change) that, in the meantime, we are far from being the ideal; rather, we only agree about an ideal relationship between us; we want to reach it, so we are drawn towards it somewhat.

This standard is, in fact, unattainable because all of us are human and everyone has his own ego. But we need to yearn to rise above ourselves as much as possible, to connect together, to value this state and consider it as the ideal.

Such a state must become a shared general familial standard. If we play with this correctly with the children, they will be much happier than we are because we come to this in the second half of our lives.

Question: There is a similar game called “Joy of Concession.” Indeed it is difficult for us to concede something to each other, but this is easy in the form of a game. Suppose a daughter says, “I’ll be back from the party at 11 o’clock.”  The father says, “At 10.” “Well Dad,” says the daughter,”Let’s play ‘Joy of Concession.’ Lost! At 11.” And he concedes. Is the game useful like this?

Answer: Only if this is mutual and to a certain degree of reasonableness. First of all, the child doesn’t need to manipulate with this. Second, he must understand that with this he is entering into the trust of others, inviting them to trust him, he must take all of this into account.

In other words, the parents give the child their trust, but together with this, the child should accordingly carry out what they require of him. Suppose that they let their daughter come home at eleven o’clock at night, but this is on condition that someone will accompany her or meet her. They must demand that she be responsible for what she does.
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From KabTV’s “Conversations with Michael Laitman” 12/11/13

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Opinion (Dmitry Zhukov, biologist): “In the Great Encyclopedic Dictionary, it is written that love is “aiming at another person, human community, or idea.” The form of love that is most interesting for the wide masses is love between two biologically unrelated people.

“This kind of love can be characterized as a mental disorder, typified by an overvalued idea in the form of another person’s attention, accompanied by a constantly changing, unstable effect. According to the International Classification of Diseases, in subsection F63.9, love often can belong to the following subgroup: ‘Disorders of habits and interests, unspecified.’

“A person in love unconsciously satisfies a range of needs. It is important to emphasize that different people can have a completely different range. Obviously, people’s desire is to satisfy a hedonistic need, that is, the need to obtain pleasure, which is in this case is often called sexual.

“Besides hedonistic love, people in love satisfy many other needs, primarily in increasing self-esteem. We often love more those people who allow us to demonstrate our merits – physical and mental. It is easy to see the fulfillment of need in the possession of a prestigious object that causes the envy of others and again increases a person’s self-esteem.

“The need for leadership, in the desire to control a situation underlies the love of mature women for young men. Often love is formed on the basis of the opposite need, in the need for submission, to follow the leader. Typically, the basis of love is the need for emotions.

“This need triggers many forms of human behaviour, but love is the most pleasant, although very expensive way to satisfy it. Among other requirements, satisfied in a state of love, we can note the need for stable social contacts. Note, that not all people have this need. This form of love is closely connected with the concept of ‘friendship.’

“As to the physiological mechanisms in love, they are unknown. More precisely, there are many descriptions of changes in the work in various systems that take place in the subjects, who claim that they are currently in a state of ‘romantic love.’ The activity of many regions of the brain, hormones, the work of the cardiovascular, digestive and other systems also change. But the mechanisms that trigger love are completely unknown. More precisely, they are purely psychological (the presence of needs) and are not studied in physiology.”

My Comment: According to Kabbalah, there is no love: there is a desire to receive pleasure. This is not only so for the human being, but all of nature: still, vegetative, and animate. The most developed part of the animate nature is the human being. Love can be only spiritual, i.e., only based on the selfless desire to give, to fulfill others. And such a property may occur in a person only under the influence of the Upper Light, the property of bestowal. The implementation of the wisdom of Kabbalah allows us to attract its influence on us.
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Question: What if I advance faster than my wife?

Answer: That’s the wrong attitude. Advancements of men and women are different in nature and style, and the comparison is inappropriate here. What a woman makes in the creation is not the same as a man.

Sometimes men and women can find a common language, but as a rule, they are unable to do so. Start reading any article or listening to a lesson and you will see that she thinks differently from you, as if addressing the subject matter from a different perspective. Eventually, women come to the same details of perception, but the path and the analysis of men and women are very different.

Men and women can discuss common questions, but when it comes to details, you need to take their current level into consideration.

Question: I see that our impressions complement each other from different sides. But at the same time, my wife has to spend a lot of time and effort with our child.

Answer: This is the women’s correction. Women care for their children and sometimes it looks like it is done at the expense of their self-correction. However, this is exactly how women advance, and a woman’s duty is to be a mother.

Some wonder, maybe I shouldn’t have children and should completely devote myself to studying, dissemination, and correction? No. Women should correct their souls by taking care of their children, by being together with them, and in the measure of time and desire remaining after this.

If a woman has the opportunity to marry and have children, she must do so. Women should take care of children even though it would seem that without children they could have done much more and advance much farther on their spiritual path. She could, but this is not a woman’s path of correction.

Question: Should women with children compare themselves with those women without children who have more time to study and disseminate?

Answer: No. If a woman with children participates in the study or any other activities to the extent she can, it produces correction many times greater than that of a woman who “refrains” from having children because she wants to be involved in Kabbalah. This kind of “abstinence” doesn’t help.

We just don’t realize that this world is built according to spirituality. If we bring sparks of spirituality into this life, we come closer to correction. One cannot rise to the next spiritual level if one has not laid a basis for it in this world. That’s why we have to marry, have children, and move on from there.

It would seem great if all of my students were disconnected from the cares of this world and were devoted to the spiritual. Imagine: everybody studies and disseminates. But instead they marry and women are almost immediately cut off from the process and men are obliged to support their families and resolve endless problems together with their spouses.

This is exactly what correction is. We cannot hide from this fact. Later, you will understand that this is the optimal way to do our job in the best possible way.

Conversely, those who avoid marriage reject the chance for correction. This applies to both men and women. So, if there is a possibility, you should start a family and carry the burden.

Anyway, a family is preferred over anything else because it is a basic part of the world’s correction. It is no coincidence that today the world is faced with the collapse of the family structure; this situation precedes the basic correction.
[127454]
From the 4^th part of the Daily Kabbalah Lesson 2/14/14, Writings of Baal HaSulam

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Opinion (Alexander Markov, Doctor of Biological Sciences, Senior Research Professor at the Paleontological Institute, Russian Academy of Sciences): “From where did the human being acquire ability for a long-term romantic love with the formation of permanent couples? The same systems of regulation work both in humans and animals – neural networks that control sexual and social behavior.

“Neurobiological studies show that love is something more than a basic emotion. It is associated with higher cognitive functions. Romantic love includes activity of the parts of the cortex, responsible for social cognition (the work with information about other people) and perception (image) of oneself. Conclusion: love is based on a desire to extend the internal image of oneself by including the other person in this image.”

My Comment: Everything is created only for expansion of feeling and inclusion of feelings between all those who fill the world. In the human being, love is necessary as a means of communication and mutual inclusion, which leads to both greater positive and negative interactions and further to an understanding of the need to unite completely to fulfill the purpose of creation.
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In the News (from Slate): “It’s not that rare these days for people to marry outside their ethnic or religious group or to live in a different region of the country from where they grew up. Among college-educated people, in particular, the tendency is not so much to marry within your community as to marry within your educational cohort. Every once in a while you do see a college graduate married to a high school dropout (my parents, for example), but it’s quite rare. Since incomes are normally measured on the household level for statistical purposes, it matters quite a bit to big-picture national trends. In particular, “assortative mating” of this kind is a major driver of household-level income inequality.

“How big? Jeremy Greenwood, Nezih Guner, Georgi Kocharkov, and Cezar Santosreport in a new paper that if in 2005 the matching of husbands and wives had been random, the Gini coefficient—the most common summary measure of income inequality—would have been 0.34 rather than its real-world 0.43, a difference of almost 25 percent.

Of course, saying that inequality would be lower if marriages were randomized isn’t telling us much. It’s long been the case that a college-educated woman’s husband is much more likely to have a college degree than would be suggested by pure chance. But a number of closely related demographic factors have shifted dramatically over the past generation or two in a way that’s made assortative mating a much more potent economic force. And the nexus between marriage patterns and those other trends is an important motor of inequality.”

My Comment: Egoism rules the world, not romance. Only requiring the equal distribution of income for everyone and the education of all, as if we all belong to the same family, will bring the world to calm. In the meantime, we still need to become convinced that our nature drives us to the manifestation of rejection and hatred in all its forms to come to the realization of egoism as absolute evil in order to seek the way to correct it.
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