Question: What role do psychological tests determining the similarity of partners play with regard to love? We, indeed, have particular feelings toward one another which are different from an intellectual examination of someone with whom it is worthwhile for me to start a business. How do we integrate emotion with intellect?
Answer: This is already the second stage. First of all, intuitively, we always try to follow our feelings, and only after this, do we activate the intellect. However, emotions can change in a moment.
A first acquaintance is enough for me not to reject a potential partner. His external appearance, behavior, and manners must cause at least neutral feelings in me, and even attract me a bit. Indeed, a family that must exist together for many years cannot be based upon egoistic sexual attraction.
Comment: However, it is not enough for me that a woman doesn’t just repulse me. I want to find the most attractive woman in the world in every sense: beautiful, sensitive, wise, and sexy. It is a dream that I have looked for all my life!
Answer: Love doesn’t depend upon the external form. It is enough that the external appearance of the partner will not seem repulsive and will be somewhat pleasing to you. You need to be ready to eat out of her hands! You must feel pleasure from touching her, from her concern.
There must be some magic with her. This is not a maddening attraction where you lose your head because of her, rather simply pleasure from physical, intellectual, and emotional contact. You must have pleasure from this and nothing more!
This is not yet love. Love comes later as a result of developing all these connections. Love is a habit of attributing the pleasure that I get with the partner. So, I begin to love.
Here is a possible example: If I take a dog that begins to live by my side, and I feed him, take care of him, and am concerned for him, he will begin to love me. However, what is the difference between a person and a dog? It is known that people who adopt foreign children and begin to take care of them eventually love them no less and even more than they would loved them if they were their biological children. You see that they invest much more effort in these children because they are afraid that they might not love their adopting parents.
The same thing happens in relationships between couples. If we invest effort in one another and know how to develop this shared investment, the emotion that is created from it is called love. This means that love is my attitude towards the person next to me, where it is pleasant to feel him next to me all the time.
I love his friendship, his relationship to me, and his contact. I need to be connected with him. In fact, this is called love, and it is not connected to sexual attraction at all. This is talking about an inner feeling where I miss feeling this person near me.
Often, partners complain about the difficulties in building intimate relations. However, intimate relations are not built upon sexual connection. After a need for contact with another person is awakened in me, I feel pleasure from his being near me. Above this, we build completely different sexual relationships.
These relationships are a wonderful addition to an even deeper connection between us, and then we truly can enjoy one another. I don’t use my partner, her body, but it is truly pleasant for me to feel that she enjoys me and my enjoyment of her.
This is the entire range of connections between us on different levels, and so the emotion from an intimate connection is absolutely different, for it is much deeper and intense. Specifically because I bestow to another, waves of love and union come to me. This is just as it is written in Psalms, Song of Songs 6:3: “I am my beloved’s, and my beloved is mine.”
From the program “A New Life” 6/09/2013