An Attractive Cover Or A Never Ending Story?

Dr. Michael LaitmanQuestion: When trying to understand a little more deeply one’s relationships with the opposite sex, a person discovers that he is not familiar with himself, with whole layers of himself. He needs guidance, coaching…

Answer: Human development has reached the point of the “recognition of evil” in the current situation. Without the “recognition of evil” it is impossible to turn into an Adam. And on the other hand, the crisis in the realm of love still hasn’t caused people to abandon the search for their “other half” and they move en masse to artificial substitutes for sex, drugs, and other sources that distort the original subject matter.

If we look at the problem from a historical, systemic point of view, we now have the opportunity to join in the process of the correction of the human species, including and through relationships between the two sexes.

Question: But today it is very difficult for people to find a compatible partner for themselves…

Answer: Basically there are no more compatible partners. Today nobody declares his love before knowing the name of his partner. But that is exactly the way it was in the past when people felt that they were made for each other at first sight.

Today we have learned that we need to adjust to each other through work on mutual rapprochement. In order truly to connect between us, we must work together at least a number of months and sometimes a year or two. And only then do we begin to adjust to each other and there is an inner link between us that makes it possible to “diffuse,” to penetrate into each other, like coffee and water that mix together no longer remain as they were, but together create something new. Only after we penetrate at least a little into each other mentally can we understand how to continue this process of mutual integration. This mutual penetration is true mating, mating between souls. And then we are ready to get married, be linked together for many years. For we have already acquired a program of mutual mental interpenetration, we understand how we do this and are ready to sustain this mutually.

That’s why my teacher Rabash said that in the beginning there should be no external rejection between the people and all the rest depends upon collective efforts through which the family will flourish, not resting on its laurels, but developing the relationship more and more.

Question: But how can a person decide to begin this work even before starting the “diffusion”? After all, it is driven by love, that is, feelings, not reason.

Answer: It is necessary to get rid of all the dirty “clothing” from the soul in which it is dressed: the egoistic preferences, the “Hollywood” standards, and the various stereotypes the majority establishes.

We judge the opposite sex according to artificial external signs. So if we talk about true change, then first of all we must work with a crowd of singles so that they will understand their nature and why they don’t succeed in building stable relationships. A person requires a healthy approach towards himself and towards others: a little less of the Hollywood and Internet standards, fewer chats sprinkled with emoticons.

We speak through emoticons, we look at life through the prism of templates. But in fact, I need to be like a child who can fall in love without reserve, like in the days when external props didn’t interest me. I don’t really see my lover because she dissolves in a fog of emotional outpourings, as if someone pressed on an invisible button and I am “on fire” about her. I must return to a state like this.

And for this we need to get rid of all the “clothing” that we have pinned ourselves under through the pressure of society, whether it is the influence of the Internet, books, movies, social contracts, or just someone else’s assessments of what is good and what is bad. I have to become more natural, closer to nature, even if this is more simple and egoistic, it doesn’t matter. I don’t want to depend on everyone anymore.

It is possible to reach this only in a large society of people like me, of singles, where all of us together are learning to recognize ourselves: who and what we are, what our nature is, how to relate to ourselves, to a partner, to the world and so on. For gradually we stop being dependent on all the external standards that come to us from across the ocean.

Everything depends on social agreement. If it changes, then we look at those things absolutely differently. The modern pictures are groundless, imaginary. First of all, we need to take them off the “pedestal” and at the same time, not later, but specifically in parallel, raise completely different values so that I will not be attracted to external connection but to an inner connection. After all, external connection is fragile and fleeting, often it is already over by the next morning, while we can develop the inner connection infinitely.

In any case, we need to learn together, with mutual cooperation within the group. To make shared workshops and other means that make it possible to build a different relationship between us. Only then will I feel which woman is truly closer to me in the deeper and truer sense. And it is possible to rely on this feeling, for I will stop seeing the externalities but will concentrate only on the essence, on the internality. The woman will no longer be just a “cover” for me, but will be like a valuable “book” in which a new depth of emotion and mental intimacy is discovered. And expectation of this connection will immediately reach the hidden chord within me. And after that I then add the external component to this spark.

In this way we build the right order of priorities and mutual approach, a completely opposite approach compared to what is happening today. This is because I am not searching for a wife for myself, rather specifically inner connection in the mind and feelings. I want it to fill the space that was left empty since my first love.

It is up to me to reach the foundation of all the corrections. If the void had not been left in me after the first feeling, I would have nothing for which to live. All the rest of the feelings are transient and shallow compared to this feeling. The basic desire for inner connection forces me to search for fulfillment, even though I don’t know myself what I truly want to fill.

Only this void accompanied me throughout my life, pushing me to find and attain. It is my soul that I can fill only through connecting with the other. And its essential part is the connection called “family,” “husband” or “wife.” And gradually this is added to the foundation of my development, covering my love, gradually covering the entire world. This is the beginning of the human soul, its two foundations, the male and the female, that are connected together and in their development they include everything.
From a Talk on Integral Upbringing 6/20/13

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