Entries in the 'Man and Woman' Category

Freedom Of Choice, Part 7

laitman_560“Fate” from the everyday point of view

Question: If we consider fate not with respect to the final correction, but from the everyday point of view: who to become, whom to marry, what kind of children will I have, what problems, etc., can this be changed?

Answer: It is very difficult because for this we must educate future couples in advance in understanding the meaning of life, the purpose of life, the realization of this purpose, and how much they are ready for it.

To select these couples as they become ready, understanding what they should sacrifice, what they should let go of,  than, on the contrary, what they should help each other with and how they should mutually support each other to achieve this goal. A lot of work has to be done here.

I hope that if not in our generation, then in the next, people will do it because humanity will come to a state of separation from any solution to family problems. People will stop marrying and having children. They will not understand why they need it! Up to the point that even sexual instincts will “freeze” in them. This is a problem that will be addressed through the matter of suffering.

Question: But on the other hand, why should I change anything if, let’s say, I understand or believe that there is some upper force, and it leads me to the goal of creation?

Answer: It leads you by the way of suffering. However, you do not realize yourself as a person. If you go with the flow, then you are an animal.

Question: If I do not make conscious efforts to change myself, then does the upper force act on me in the form of suffering?

Answer: Like on any animal. At that moment you are called an animal. And you are called a man only in those moments when you yourself see the goal and exert forces to get closer to it.
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From KabTV’s “Fundamentals of Kabbalah,” 2/4/19

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“Why Divorce Negatively Affects Men More Than Women” (KabNet)

KabNet published my new article: “Why Divorce Negatively Affects Men More Than Women

Divorce and parental separation has been associated with a range of negative outcomes affecting all those involved in the process. But why is it particularly difficult for men, as multiple studies indicate it to be?

How could men and women create a support system that will not only help the couple overcome challenges related to the split, but also help children cope with their parent’s separation?

Marriage has been directly associated with men’s health. 66% of men rely on their wives for their primary social support. Thus, divorce greatly increases a man’s sense of isolation. Also, socially isolated men have an 82% higher risk of dying from heart disease.

“66% of men rely on their wives for their primary social support. Thus, divorce greatly increases a man’s sense of isolation. Also, socially isolated men have an 82% higher risk of dying from heart disease.”

Why Is it Harder for Men to Endure Divorce?

Comparing the impact of divorce by gender, we discover that one of the reasons men find it more difficult to deal with a separation is their inability to open up and share their failures, worries, and pain from divorce with others. In comparison to women, since men are less prone to reach out for support when their family gets shattered, their chances of suffering from helplessness, stress and depression increase. In some cases, severe mental health problems arise in men that even lead to suicide. As confirmed by an investigation of the University of California, divorced men are nine times more likely than women to die by suicide. How can this be explained?

In general, factors that impair the mental and physical health of the divorced are loss of control over life, impairment of family and social sense, financial anxiety, loneliness and emptiness. All these feelings are intensified in divorced men. In addition, we can add to this difficult situation the potential for false accusations that often become part of the lawyers’ disputes over the custody of children.

There is a common misconception that it is easier for a man to live the single life after a separation, a life free of worry and commitment, while single mothers are left overwhelmed with the task of raising children alone, often dealing with most of the economic burden single-handedly. However, in practice, this picture often turns out to be unfounded. Instead of celebrating their supposed freedom, men often feel like abandoned children alone in the world, unable to pick up the pieces of their broken lives and carry on. Their confidence and self-esteem is undermined by divorce.

While in many cases women receive almost full custody of the children, fathers find themselves “divorced” from their children as well. Relentless quarrels with the ex-spouse often complicate the relationship with the children who sometimes hold a grudge against the father for leaving home, feeling distanced regardless of the compensation he might try to give them to maintain his position in their lives.

Understanding the Other Side Better

What Western society misses is that a man, despite the “macho” image he might portray to cover up his own insecurities, is almost totally dependent on the emotional support of the woman next to him and his family for a sense of well-being, much more so than most of us imagine. The wisdom of Kabbalah explains that a man by nature is fragile and vulnerable and needs a feminine influence resembling a mother figure to accompany him from childhood and throughout his life. Just as a fetus receives nourishment from its mother through the umbilical cord, a man remains in need of a woman’s nourishment in the form of support and care to continue to remain fulfilled.

Women in return should receive from men security, confidence, and total recognition for the pivotal role and contribution they play. A man needs to constantly emphasize his love and appreciation for his wife and should pamper and embrace her as much as possible to avoid losing her.

The problem is that both men and women, from an early age, receive no education on how to understand this interactive mutual support mechanism and how to use it positively for the sake of family integrity. Each partner is locked in the ego, in individual self-concern, and often misinterprets the other until the partnership is unable to endure the resulting emotional crunch and the decision is made to tear the family unit apart.

The Key to Successful Relationships

In fact, the success of a marriage does not depend on physical attraction or even on personality, as our consumerist culture would have us believe. Marital success depends on the attitude and warmth that partners provide to each other, a necessary condition for a balanced relationship.

We need to stop assuming that we know what the other loves or needs. How can we expect that two different people from two different families, with two different upbringings, would know what each other want? It is unwise to sit back and wait until one would suddenly do something positive to the other. Instead, they must proactively and openly discuss their needs and desires, and then they will realize how positive such communication is to their relationship.

If, after making all possible efforts to preserve the family unit, divorce seems to be inevitable, it is indispensable for ex-spouses to transcend their own nature and differences to build a life as friends. In such a scenario, all family members — men, women and children — will benefit from the encouraging communication and cordial relations. Everything must begin with an education that aims to develop close and positive relations.

How To Fix Damaged Relationships?

laitman_961.2Question: Damaged relationships spoil people’s entire life, they can be confusing because of little misunderstandings. What is the right thing to do to prevent resentment, damaged relationships, and to improve them?

Psychologists give the following recommendations: Try to understand the point of view of the colleague. The result of an action is not always intentional. The difficulty with some micro-manifestations is that we all apply different standards to their assessment.

Answer: Where are the standards? The standard is mine—how I see others and compare myself with them or how I see myself and compare them with me. This is completely wrong. It is like taking a dress and putting it on. If I wear it, my stomach and my thin arms and legs will stick out, and the dress will look ugly to me.

There are no common standards. There can be only one standard—for the benefit of one’s neighbor. That’s all. I perceive no one in any way, neither myself nor anyone else. I am only interested in one thing: if some situations occur, whether they occur for the benefit of man.

By man I mean all of humanity, the general image of a person. In no way do I consider anyone specific or I most definitely will be lost.

Question: How can we understand correctly the point of view of the other person, whether it is right or not?

Answer: I cannot understand another person. How can I understand him? How can I exit myself in order to understand the other?

No, we simply need to act in a way that is good for the other person, for anyone. That is, except for my survival necessities, in everything else that depends on me, I must act for the sake of others.

This is natural. Very often we, as a result of our habits, make some movements, gestures, or utter some words, phrases that might seem even offensive to others.

We might not even feel and understand that. It is necessary to tune the heart. The heart should be adjusted to kindness toward others. All the rest will not work at all.

If a person is cordially attuned to the other, then it will be interpreted correctly. Even if he said something wrong, somehow could not express himself, the other person will feel that.

Aim the heart toward the other person, toward all people, toward the good. We need to get used to it. We need to educate ourselves for this. It is necessary that the same attitude be maintained by the environment and the surrounding society. Everything will then be good.
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From Kab TV’s “News with Dr. Michael Laitman,” 7/14/19

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Male And Female, Part 13

laitman_962.5Family of the Future

Question: It is written, “A man and a woman, and the Creator between them.” What does it mean?

Answer: It means that if the male and female parts, altruism and egoism, connect in order to create something common directed at bestowal, at mutual love, and in general, outside of themselves, then the upper force called “the Creator” is felt between them.

Question: Can we say that there will never be a normal married couple if the quality of mutual bestowal and love, that is, the Creator, is not revealed between them?

Answer: Yes, absolutely. This is why in our time we are experiencing family crises. Only if we understand that we need to build the family in a new perfect inner-family organization, under new contracts, then we will be able to build it.

A family is a unit that is designed to teach us how to correctly interact with the whole of humanity, because the entire world exists in the family.
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From KabTV’s “Fundamentals of Kabbalah,” 12/31/18

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laitman_294.4Men and Women: Responsibilities and Possibilities

Question: Are there any differences between men and women in regard to Kabbalistic materials, sources? What can and should women read and what should men read?

Answer: Both can and should read absolutely everything. However, for men, this is a daily duty, and for women, it depends on their free time.

As for the spiritual path and attainment of the Creator, for men it again is a duty, and for women, it is at will according to their possibilities.

Question: Are there any limitations with regard to sources?

Answer: No.

Question: Does it mean all are allowed to read The Book of Zohar and Talmud Eser Sefirot (The Study of the Ten Sefirot)?

Answer: Of course. Absolutely everything.

Question: Is the work in the ten required for both women and men?

Answer: Yes. However, a woman is free from these commandments, which are performed according to time; that is, she does not have to run to the lesson at three o’clock in the morning. If she needs and if her workload at work and at home allows, she can listen to it at any time. However, for men it is a duty.

Question: What about the dissemination of the wisdom of Kabbalah?

Answer: It is the duty of both men and women to disseminate, and women should do it no less than men because it is connected with her function of giving birth; through her, the correction comes to the world. Therefore, she is tied to dissemination even more than a man.

Question: Must both men and women do the inner analysis, inner work, all kinds of scrutinies?

Answer: All of this is necessary for both. However, a woman does it whenever possible, at a time when she is free, and a man does it as a duty, at certain times, in certain circumstances. There is a clear time frame for men, but not for women. There also are clear instructions about the quantity and quality of work for men, but not for women.
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From KabTV’s “Fundamentals of Kabbalah,” 12/31/18

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laitman_284Learning to Love

Remark: When we are talking about a married couple, the concept of love arises. However, from the Kabbalistic point of view, love is something completely different.

My Comment: In corporeal relationships, love is based on instincts, on hormones. However, in Kabbalah mutual concessions, mutual attraction to each other, mutual help, and mutual care are called love. In principle, love is a state when you feel the desires of the other and fulfill them.

Question: Does it mean that I am a tool for fulfilling the other?

Answer: Yes. In this case, we can say that you love him or her.

Remark: You once said that the unit for measuring love is the unit of sacrifice.

My Comment: Yes. It is the extent to which you sacrifice yourself, that is, your diligence, your efforts in order to fulfill the other.

Question: If love is built on mutual concessions, then who should concede? Both of us? If I concede, the other will take advantage of me and vice versa. How to choose a measure here?

Answer: In this case, a joint contract is drawn between two extremely opposite parties that enter into a covenant with each other and undertake to help each other in revealing the Creator between them. This must be taught, learned, and nurtured.
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From KabTV’s “Fundamentals of Kabbalah,” 12/31/18

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Laitman_506.5Is it possible to change your spouse’s character?

Remark: We understand that freedom of will is only in selecting the environment and it is not possible to change the basic qualities of a person.

My Comment: There is no need to change them.

Question: Should we not try to demand that our spouses change their qualities?

Answer: In no way! They are given to us from nature and will remain the same. The only thing we can do is combine their use for the benefit of our connection so that in this connection between us we would reveal the upper force. This is our goal, our reward.

Freedom of choice is only in the fact that both I and the opposite party annul ourselves and form such a place on this mutual annulment in which we will discover the upper force, as it is written, “Husband and wife, the Creator between them.”
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From KabTV’s “Fundamentals of Kabbalah,” 12/31/18

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Laitman_630.2Every Day a Fresh Start

Question: One of the principles of the Kabbalistic group is concessions and self-annulment. Is it possible to agree in the family to begin the next day as if nothing happened yesterday by granting amnesty to each other and trying to avoid situations that usually lead to quarrels?

Answer: We need to start every day afresh despite the fact that there may have been some quarrels yesterday. In both the group and the family, we must constantly start afresh as if nothing happened.

Question: How do we do that?

Answer: It is both very simple and very difficult.

Question: Let’s say, today we agree, “Let’s do it in such a way.” What if tomorrow I cannot begin in such a way, what will obligate me?

Answer: If you have signed such an agreement, you will be proud to observe it. Your egoism does not suffer, and it will be easier for you to step over it.

In fact, you do not even step over it; rather, you just show how much of a man you are, “Even though I do not want to, I must do that because I promised.” And you will have something to be proud of.

As for your wife, she will have to agree with your new behavior.

Question: Is there any difference between the egoism of a woman and egoism of a man?

Answer: These are completely different types of egoism. They cannot be combined in any way.
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From KabTV’s “Fundamentals of Kabbalah,” 12/31/18

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627.2Family Life — A Negotiated System

Remark: To prevent conflicts in the family, Kabbalists recommend establishing a clear framework and boundaries in the relationship in advance, not forgetting to remind about them, and not being afraid to give signals to your partner if they are violated.

My Comment: Family life is an agreement which, of course, can change. However, it is still a contractual system.

Two people enter into a contract with each other, which is continuous, constantly changing and developing. They are then joined by children, common property, and influences on each other that greatly increase their impressions of this life, family, and so on.

That is, we have the constant expansion of the terms of the contract. Therefore, we need to discuss them all the time.

Remark: In principle, the same agreement also exists in a Kabbalistic group between friends, between like-minded people. Yet, it seems to me that there is much more communication and interaction in the family than in the Kabbalistic group. At least economically and emotionally.

In a group of like-minded people, we are connected only by the same idea, which is still abstract and does not exist in our feelings.

My Comment: If it is possible to create such a connection, such unity in the couple, it could be a very serious incentive for achieving a spiritual goal.

Question: Does it mean, that if both people agree we can take all the principles of the work in the group about which Rabash writes and apply them in the family?

Answer: It is very hard, but possible.

Question: Do I understand correctly that it is much harder to use them in the family than in the group?

Answer: I do not know. It is very hard for me to talk about this. Although I see a few such successful examples among my students and I am glad about them, so far these are a few isolated cases.

Question: Would you still recommend couples to work this way?

Answer: Yes and no. The problem is that a man must first master himself in a male group.

We see this from history. When he becomes a man, meaning he is in the group of men where he begins to receive contact with the Creator, then he can correctly connect with the right woman. It is not simple.

Question: Does the work in a family replace the work in a group?

Answer: I would not advise beginning work in the family until a person has seriously adjusted himself in the group.
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From KabTV’s “Fundamentals of Kabbalah,” 12/31/18

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Laitman_503_01Soul Mates

Question: How did it come about that a person has a family and relatives?

Answer: Everything comes from the spiritual system.

Question: Are they soul mates?

Answer: Yes, they are close. At some level, they are fueled by you. You must nourish them, in a sense, take care of them. Maybe with time it will come about in both material and spiritual form.

Question: According to Kabbalah, a person must take care of his family. There is even such commandment. What should the relationship with relatives: aunts, uncles, grandmothers, and grandfathers be?

Answer: At present, our formation on the spiritual path is taking place. I think that later, when the masses will come to a spiritual state, the structure of relations along spiritual lines will accordingly be established.
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From Kab TV’s “Fundamentals of Kabbalah,” 1/1/19

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