The third principle in familial relationships is that when a person feels that they love him and are concerned for his welfare, this awakens great happiness in him and this obliges him to reciprocate with a similar relationship. In this way we give an example to each other.
We agree to work on a system of relationships between us and so we are acting consciously and understand what is happening. Nobody allows himself to “shoot from the hip” with what comes to him regarding a partner. We want to build a good family so we play at perfected relationships which don’t really exist at the moment but from a hope that we will reach this. We show each other that this is merely a game at the moment, but it is a game that advances, and all the time it becomes easier and easier and closer to the truth.
We are obliged to play since we agreed upon this!
Question: What if I try to build a good relationship with my wife but nothing helps because she is such a great egoist that she refuses to take any step towards me?
Answer: This says that I haven’t acted wisely, otherwise I would play with her ego and would surround her from all sides. She depends on me and if she is a great egoist this is a sign that she has great desires that I can fulfill. Therefore I control the situation.
The whole problem is that in general we don’t know how to play with this ego. The more the ego of the person grows, the more he becomes like a child, the more he becomes like a baby. It is very easy to get the right reaction from him if we act correctly with him since he is not his own master but depends completely on his ego.
Man (Gever) is one who is able to overcome himself and it is impossible to influence him directly. You cannot hurt him, you “fall” upon him and he stands his ground. He won’t react immediately but overcomes himself. If your partner is egoistic like this, unprepared to control herself, you can play with her as you would with a baby.
We must intentionally show each other a good relationship, even exaggeratedly, and check to see if we get a similar relationship in return. If there is no similar relationship, we must work on this. I try to give her a good relationship all the time, but if I don’t see a similar relationship in return, I refrain from doing this. I try to do something good again and if I get a good reaction, I give her an even warmer relationship. If not, I also distance myself. I present myself intentionally, showing her that I am ready to treat her well but only on condition that she will reciprocate.
So in this way we build our married couple: unity, communication, what is called a “family.” This is exactly the way I must relate to children with the help of the “carrot and the stick.” The entire method is built upon concession; I rise above my ego in a calculated and controlled manner according to a program that was specified from the start.
But this is not just absolutely unconditional love which will awaken contempt in the other person. I must show that I love, that I concede everything, that I nullify myself, but not so my partner will do whatever he wants. Even parents who have infinite love for their children must not show this. I must add “judgment to mercy” or “mercy to judgment,” controlling the situation with the help of these two reins depending upon the reaction.
I set for myself the goal of bringing us to connection and I inform my wife of this. But she must know that in this unification I have two reins in my possession: judgment and mercy, love and hate, and one doesn’t work without the other. As it is said, “Love covers over all iniquities.” Do we agree to reveal the iniquities and cover them with love or not? If so, let’s try.
This is like I’m driving in a car, I turn the steering wheel to the right and to the left to maintain the right direction. The problem is that we are not sensitive to the partner, the other. Therefore I turn to my wife with a request to be sensitive to her. What wife would refuse this? This is an eternal complaint of a woman regarding her husband, he doesn’t understand her, doesn’t look at her, and doesn’t want to share his experiences.
And on the contrary, I ask her to reveal herself before me so I can connect with her. It is up to me to understand how she understands, feels, and reacts regarding me. If I know all this, then I can manage our relationship in the family with the help of my steering wheel. And she will feel this and begin to control her steering wheel regarding me so that finally these two steering wheels will join into one steering wheel that we turn together.
This is an emotional process as if the two of us are found on opposite scales trying to maintain balance all the time. The ego of each is growing all the time and balances itself regarding the partner. So we are always balancing, renewing our relationship all the time. This assures us of having a deep and infinite development within which we discover a whole symphony of love.
From KabTV’s “A New Life #46” 8/1/12