Question: You speak about self-annulment as a means for growing and advancing. However, don’t concessions during an argument usually show that I am weak?
Answer: I certainly don’t concede because of weakness, but because I want to advance in my marital relationship with and in life in general.
In this way, I develop myself and approach a positive state. I gain by that since, by that, I expand and feel life more finely.
I give my spouse a cup of tea, but I don’t lose it, rather, I receive a cup that is twice as big. After all, by that, I acquire her desires, her aspirations, her dreams, and their fillings!
I enjoy the pleasure that she receives just like a mother enjoys the pleasure she gives her baby. We all know that a mother enjoys the sweet she brings her baby much more than the baby does.
Thanks to my concessions, I acquire new vessels, opportunities to feel pleasure. You may ask why people go to stadiums to cheer their favorite team if they can watch the game quietly at home on TV.
But in the stadium you are surrounded by thousands of people and so you enjoy the collective excitement, the incorporation. It expands your vessels of perception, your senses. You become as big as the thousands around you who are cheering and jumping.
I’m sure you agree that it isn’t the same as staying at home, lying on the couch, and watching a football game on TV.
Question: What will concessions at home bring to my success?
Answer: If you come home from work hungry, sit down to have dinner and your child asks you for a piece of what’s on your plate, you give it to him gladly, it isn’t a concession.
After all, you are acting according to your will. Must a mother go against her will in order to take care of her baby? If it were so, we would have to place a policeman next to every mother to make sure that the child doesn’t die of hunger.
So, such actions are not called self-annulment. However, if your wife asks you to do something and you feel reluctant, that is a different thing. In the first case, the self-annulment brings you pleasure, and in the second case, it is a burden.
There is no need to teach people how to concede to their beloved children. It happens naturally.
However, you must learn how to concede to your spouse so as to not act instinctively, but rather, to begin managing your own development by yourself.
Question: But if I concede, it means that I am not in control, but my wife is.
Answer: You will perceive it in a totally different manner. It all depends on how important you feel it is. If a baby were less important to a mother than herself, she would refuse to take care of him and would think about herself. However, because nature has made the baby more important to her than herself, the mother is ready to do anything for him.
Now, we must think about how to force ourselves to concede and to accept the desire of our spouse above our own desires. In order to do that, the reward that you get should be greater so that it will tilt the scale.
Suppose she says, “If you wash the dishes now instead of me, we will go together to where you wanted to go.” Then, you concede, wash the dishes, and you go out together. This means that the goal justifies the means. If that is so, we must increase the goal so that it will be the justification for our actions.
We need an environment that will value the goal and show us the advantages of advancing in this direction. Besides that, we also will see that we can avoid different problems that constantly trouble us if we follow this path.
All these claims should form such a connection that I will not be able to break the commitment to fulfill this. There must be constant social pressure that will sustain me and remind me that it is worthwhile to act this way.
Thus, I advance in every aspect: Internally, I develop my personality and improve my relationship with the environment, at work, and with the entire world. The main thing in this entire process is the influence of the environment since a person finds it hard to even lift a finger when his wife asks for it.
If he did something for himself, he wouldn’t encounter such problems. He would be ready to serve himself. However, to serve someone else and to accept the will of another is already a big problem. However, he must think right away about what he does this for and what he gains. The gain should be mutual. So, let’s agree and constantly act one with regard to the other. I am for you, and you are for me.
From a “Talk About New Life” 7/25/12