The second principle of relationships between married couples says: “Each one must try to elevate the mood of the partner all the time.” Every person always welcomes the opportunity to improve his mood. And in a circumstance like this you need to see yourself as more than a partner, like a mother who cares about the welfare of her child.
That is to strive to please the other, to improve his mood, to be concerned that things will be good for him, to try to bring him what he loves, to prepare, to arrange things for him. And I need to show that I am doing this especially for the sake of my wife that I want to give her pleasure. I give her an example of behavior that I would like to see from her in relation to me.
This is talking about a married couple that learns to build the right relationship with each other. We understand that we are two egoists that must correct the condition of our family. Therefore, each one shows a different example and has the privilege to remind the other of how he needs to behave.
Together with this, it is very important to lift each other’s mood because we want to build a connection between us! A good mood helps open the person and a bad mood causes him to withdraw within himself. Therefore, in a bad mood, he is not prepared to connect with others.
If the partner is found in a depressed state like this, it is not possible to make him happy about anything, then it is necessary to descend to his bad mood, to share in his concerns, to try to see everything through his eyes, to agree with his assessment, and to justify him one hundred percent. And after you feel you are found in the same mood, in shared anger, try to take him out from there. For without connection it is impossible to bring the person out of a descent, it is first necessary to grasp him somehow.
And if you try to make the partner happy in this state, then this is liable to create the opposite effect and your optimism will summon within him even greater anger because you are standing opposite each other. First we must attain a connection, solidarity, to feel each other, and only after this, gradually, very slowly begin to lift his spirits, this will be the right psychological approach.
Every state needs to be exploited for the work of nullifying yourself. For example, you come home and see that your house slippers are not in their place, so you are happy that you have the opportunity to rise above your anger and that you receive material on which to work. You know that you will benefit from this in that you will empty an area within yourself for a deeper connection.
A person needs to get compensation for his concession so he will feel that it is worthwhile for him to make this concession, for in a form like this he gains love, a good connection, and even something higher! Within these feelings suddenly some kind of unique elevation appears that he rises from the level of the beast to the level of a human relationship and he can understand that it was worth it.
Question: What if I go home and see that he is wrapped in a storm cloud? My wife is in a bad mood and I’m terribly angry, I’m infected by the bad mood. What should be done in a circumstance like this?
Answer: Go look for a good mood the same way you would look for your house slippers! Search for ways to improve her mood and yours. You now need to become a psychologist in regard to your wife and search for a scientific approach to her, constructive and thoughtful, to build a connection like this with her that will take her out of despair and anger and will raise her to another level of relationship to life. Now you are working like a true psychotherapist.
And you even have stronger tools of influence than an external psychologist because you can approach your wife, hug her, and in a relationship of trust ask her what happened. First of all hug her, this will thaw everything immediately. This is like everything in life that brings a person pleasure and a feeling of support.
The whole method of familial relationships is supported by concessions and the connection that is attained with them by overcoming your ego so that “love covers over all iniquities” by helping the other, by giving an example of how to connect back with you. Everything necessary is already in these words; I have nothing more to add.
From a Talk on Integral Upbringing 8/1/12