There is nothing but giving yourself to the friends and finding the general attribute of bestowal or the Creator in what you have given. But you discover a new dimension, a new world in this attribute, the upper world that is based on the attribute of bestowal and therefore it’s not temporary but eternal, constantly developing and infinite. You feel that you are in this eternal world.
If it all ended here, we would remain in this eternal state and in fact feel detached from our body. After all, the body, which means our desire, would remain totally empty. We don’t identify with anything else but the desire, so people who feel total emptiness in this world commit suicide, since they don’t feel that there is any reason to go on.
But the point is that this is only a very small part of our ego compared to that. The Creator, the force of bestowal, wants us to fully attain Him, and so He immediately adds a new ego of a totally different type. This isn’t the corporeal ego anymore, like on the first level from which we had to rise, but a spiritual ego called a “shell.” In it we already begin to receive serious spiritual interruptions.
In this ego we begin to feel the negative spiritual world. It’s the real egoistic world on which we will have to work again, like in the past, with the friends. But among them I already understand (forget and then remember again) how I should fulfill myself according to the exact principle of the first level. But now my desires are much more egoistic. I begin to see them more deeply and understand my negative and positive attributes more deeply.
This means that the struggle becomes essentially different, but I have to act according to the same principle: to transfer myself into the friends, to feel myself in them, to be glad in them, and to totally cover myself from the implications of my good deeds of any kind. I must constantly invest only in them.
The feeling that they are my soul, which I have attained on the first level, disappears and once again I think, “Why on earth do these people who are so distant from me, and who irritate me, have to be part of my soul?” On the first level I was simply indifferent to them and they even seemed pleasant, but now I begin to hate them. Their actions and their words seem repulsive; their words seem a total lie and their actions seem proud. Everything that they do is a kind of performance.
In other words, new gigantic, very serious, deep and real interruptions come along, which are absolutely justified by my rational thinking. It’s much more difficult for me than it was on the first level which now seems like child’s play. Then we simply played together and now it’s as if they are transparent: I see their dishonesty, their pride, their terrible ego. Despite all this I have to rise, which means to find certain opportunities to act for their sake, to feel joy that I do something for them, for their success and their pleasures.
I have to see my success only in seeing them fulfilled, by me or by others. It doesn’t even matter who fills them as long as they are fulfilled. If on the first level I was glad that I fulfilled them and that I somehow managed to connect this to me, now it isn’t so anymore! I can work through others and thus fill the friends in a concealed way, as long as they feel good. This means that I feel that I am more detached from the outcomes of my work and that it isn’t so important for me anymore. The main thing is that they will enjoy and be full.
They can look at me with disrespect, not want to be connected to me, or think that I am an egoist and not advance, but I don’t care, as long as they feel good. Imagine how many mutual interruptions there are here, with regard to me and to them. The Creator plays with a person in an amazing way. But if a person can close his eyes tightly and not look into his ego, into his heart and mind, and act like a blind man, despite everything, he wins.
This is called “faith above reason,” which means that I tell the Creator: “I accept your game! You are laughing at me, but I accept the rules of the game and am playing against you.” It turns out that my opponent is the Creator! Or it’s my ego, which is the same thing, since “there is none else besides Him.” He is the only one who plays with me and fixes all these dirty tricks.
I have to hold on to the main point that is determined by whom I enjoy in: in others or in myself. Thus, gradually, we discover the Creator by working with the friends in the group.
From the Convention In Krasnoyarsk 6/16/13, Lesson 5