I recommend the workshops, joint discussions, and practical exercises for married couples. Start with the question: “What does, ‘one is included in the other’ mean from the aspect of judgment and from the aspect of mercy?”

Judgment means to act for the good of my ego and mercy means to act for the good of my wife’s ego. My task now is to clarify what the “middle line” means, where I constantly try to maintain a balance between judgment and mercy. That is, I try to bestow to my wife as much as possible but I do this in order to get a good example from her, to receive a good reaction, meaning a good relationship from her side.

If I am concerned only about myself this is called the “left line.” And if I take into account my wife’s ego and am ready to fulfill all she asks of me, this is called the “right line.” In other words, the left line is judgment and the right line is mercy.

The left line or judgment is all of the demands that I present to my partner and want her to fulfill. The right line or mercy is all of my wife’s demands regarding me. Therefore, it is clear that judgment and mercy, the right line and the left line, contradict each other.

And when will they stop fighting each other and be able to receive complete fulfillment? This is possible if one becomes the servant of the other. That is, with a unilateral decision where I get my wife to be my servant and beat her so she will obey me or she does so to me.

But there is an opportunity for both of us to fulfill each other in a perfected form, very many times greater than through the servitude of the partner. For this it is necessary that each one include the ego of the other. It makes sense that we need to work only on the connection between us. And then the more that I can fulfill the ego of my wife and she can fill my ego, the more we fill ourselves.

How not to lose the balance? In order to do this we need to hold ourselves in a shared feeling of connection between us, at a particular point of balance, as if we situate ourselves on the tip of a needle. We require a point of connection like this, a drop of unity, that requires reciprocity so as not to go overboard and out of balance.

Here we require a shared feeling called “coupling” in which both are joined with a single desire for mutual bestowal for the sake of a reciprocal connection. We grasp the ego of each as a means where through its fulfillment we build the connection between us. And then the shared point that connects us is called a “screen.”

Both of us are connected together with a mutual desire to fulfill each other and we try not to lose the balance by feeling ourselves as a single whole all the time. And this feeling is renewed and strengthened in us all the time: New thoughts and feelings are always appearing in us, moving us forward. We never just walk in place.
[110511]
From KabTV’s “A New Life #46” 8/1/12

Related Material:
A Game That Is Closer And Closer To The Truth
Learn To Make Each Other Happy
A Strong Connection On The Basis Of A Double Ego

Filed under: Children, Education, Integral Upbringing, Man and Woman - No Comments →

The third principle in familial relationships is that when a person feels that they love him and are concerned for his welfare, this awakens great happiness in him and this obliges him to reciprocate with a similar relationship. In this way we give an example to each other.

We agree to work on a system of relationships between us and so we are acting consciously and understand what is happening. Nobody allows himself to “shoot from the hip” with what comes to him regarding a partner. We want to build a good family so we play at perfected relationships which don’t really exist at the moment but from a hope that we will reach this. We show each other that this is merely a game at the moment, but it is a game that advances, and all the time it becomes easier and easier and closer to the truth.

We are obliged to play since we agreed upon this!

Question: What if I try to build a good relationship with my wife but nothing helps because she is such a great egoist that she refuses to take any step towards me?

Answer: This says that I haven’t acted wisely, otherwise I would play with her ego and would surround her from all sides. She depends on me and if she is a great egoist this is a sign that she has great desires that I can fulfill. Therefore I control the situation.

The whole problem is that in general we don’t know how to play with this ego. The more the ego of the person grows, the more he becomes like a child, the more he becomes like a baby. It is very easy to get the right reaction from him if we act correctly with him since he is not his own master but depends completely on his ego.

Man (Gever) is one who is able to overcome himself and it is impossible to influence him directly. You cannot hurt him, you “fall” upon him and he stands his ground. He won’t react immediately but overcomes himself. If your partner is egoistic like this, unprepared to control herself, you can play with her as you would with a baby.

We must intentionally show each other a good relationship, even exaggeratedly, and check to see if we get a similar relationship in return. If there is no similar relationship, we must work on this. I try to give her a good relationship all the time, but if I don’t see a similar relationship in return, I refrain from doing this. I try to do something good again and if I get a good reaction, I give her an even warmer relationship. If not, I also distance myself. I present myself intentionally, showing her that I am ready to treat her well but only on condition that she will reciprocate.

So in this way we build our married couple: unity, communication, what is called a “family.” This is exactly the way I must relate to children with the help of the “carrot and the stick.” The entire method is built upon concession; I rise above my ego in a calculated and controlled manner according to a program that was specified from the start.

But this is not just absolutely unconditional love which will awaken contempt in the other person. I must show that I love, that I concede everything, that I nullify myself, but not so my partner will do whatever he wants. Even parents who have infinite love for their children must not show this. I must add “judgment to mercy” or “mercy to judgment,” controlling the situation with the help of these two reins depending upon the reaction.

I set for myself the goal of bringing us to connection and I inform my wife of this. But she must know that in this unification I have two reins in my possession: judgment and mercy, love and hate, and one doesn’t work without the other. As it is said, “Love covers over all iniquities.” Do we agree to reveal the iniquities and cover them with love or not? If so, let’s try.

This is like I’m driving in a car, I turn the steering wheel to the right and to the left to maintain the right direction. The problem is that we are not sensitive to the partner, the other. Therefore I turn to my wife with a request to be sensitive to her. What wife would refuse this? This is an eternal complaint of a woman regarding her husband, he doesn’t understand her, doesn’t look at her, and doesn’t want to share his experiences.

And on the contrary, I ask her to reveal herself before me so I can connect with her. It is up to me to understand how she understands, feels, and reacts regarding me. If I know all this, then I can manage our relationship in the family with the help of my steering wheel. And she will feel this and begin to control her steering wheel regarding me so that finally these two steering wheels will join into one steering wheel that we turn together.

This is an emotional process as if the two of us are found on opposite scales trying to maintain balance all the time. The ego of each is growing all the time and balances itself regarding the partner. So we are always balancing, renewing our relationship all the time. This assures us of having a deep and infinite development within which we discover a whole symphony of love.
[110205]
From KabTV’s “A New Life #46” 8/1/12

Related Material:
Learn To Make Each Other Happy
Concessions Are A Sign Of Strength Not Weakness
A New Era Of Family Relations

Filed under: Children, Education, Man and Woman, Marriage - No Comments →

Rabash, Letter 40: Each gift….that he gives to his friend is like a bullet that makes a hollow in the stone. And although the first bullet only scratches the stone, when the second bullet hits the same place, it already makes a notch, and the third one makes a dent.

And through the bullets that he shoots repeatedly, the dent becomes a hollow in his friend’s heart of stone, where all the presents gather. And each gift becomes a spark of love until all the sparks of love accumulate in the hollow of the stony heart and become a flame.

The difference between a spark and a flame is that where there is love, there is open disclosure, meaning a disclosure to all the peoples that the fire of love is burning in him. And the fire of love burns all the transgressions one meets along the way.

Question: They say that love is acquired through good deeds. When a person gives a gift to his friend, every gift is like an arrow that strikes the heart of the other and makes a hole in it. Ultimately, arrow after arrow, the wall in the heart of the other is breached and emotional unity is created between them. What is meant by “gifts” in relationships between partners? Is this a ring that is bought at a store or something else?

Answer: First of all, before buying the ring it’s necessary to check if this will really make the woman happy. Or maybe she needs new shoes or maybe instead of a ring or new shoes she would prefer to go out with you on vacation for a few days?

The meaning of a “gift” is that first you check to see if she needs it. I would close all the gift stores because they are full of absolutely superfluous things that nobody needs. On the contrary, it’s necessary to check what the woman wants and to bring her something which is exactly according to her desire and then this is called a gift.

The gift doesn’t have to be material; the main thing is to fulfill the desire of the partner. Even a nice relationship is acceptable as a gift if it comes from love that doesn’t require compensation. Through a relationship like this I don’t demand anything from the partner in exchange since I enjoy the activity and I don’t expect compensation in exchange. On the contrary, I am thankful to him for the opportunity to give him a gift, which is pleasure for me.

I see how much my wife enjoys buying a gift for a grandchild for his birthday. She should thank him for having a birthday for it was a pleasure for her to look for a gift for him and to think of what exactly to buy that he would like. This is an example of a gift coming from love.

It’s the same thing regarding relationships between partners. I need to be integrated into the desires of my partner and to imagine what would make her most happy. And after this I go and carry this out with the goal of fulfilling her desire. And in no way or manner do I need to expect any compensation in exchange for the gift, for here an inner estimation is made without any personal benefit.

For if I require a payoff in exchange for my gift, this is no longer a gift; rather it’s just a business transaction. A gift is made completely from non-egoistic motives rather, only from love. My partner doesn’t owe me anything in return on the contrary, this was a pleasure for me.

When we talked about mutual concessions, then there it was the opposite; I made a concession and required an action in response to this from the partner. But a gift is above all this.

With the help of the right use of gifts, we receive the opportunities to build good relations between us, to begin a “new life.” For by means of the gift, we convey our love towards the partner and through this we acquire him.

In real life sometimes the opposite happens, the gifts that we bring to the partner or to children destroy the relationships between us. But this is only because these gifts were not from absolute love but from an intention to bribe the woman as compensation for my behavior. In a circumstance like this it’s not a gift but compensation. When I promise my son a gift if he will finish the school year successfully, this is not called a gift either but simply a payoff.

I need to show my wife that I am bringing her a gift without any egoistic intent but only from love. It is said, “Someone who gives a gift to his friend must let him know.” That this gift is for no reason! For everything else there are reasons, and in this case there isn’t, therefore I must let him know. A gift like this without a reason awakens mutual love from the other side. This is not compensation, not a payoff, but needs some kind of response, reciprocity.

First of all it’s up to me to find out what my wife wants. And after I have checked this, I bring her a gift and tell her how long it took me to think about what would be best to buy and that I even saved the money for this purpose, how long I looked for exactly what she needs. That is, I double this gift because I thought about it a lot; I searched and wanted to fulfill her desires.

By satisfying her desire, I gave her fulfillment, because I love her absolutely without any calculation. I enjoyed bringing her a gift so much and am sorry that my effort has ended; I was so happy to search for a gift for her that would make her happy. This is what is called a gift.

As it is said, every gift is like an arrow that strikes the heart of the other and makes a hole in it. This is talking about strangers, about egoists who are found in a conflict. But if we are talking about partners, there it’s easier to melt the heart of the partner. Therefore it’s easier to begin to build relationships like these within the family and only after this in other places. In relationships between partners, they are not separated by strong impenetrable walls as there are between strangers. Therefore come, let’s start from the family!
[110685]
From a Talk on Integral Upbringing 8/1/12

Related Material:
Learn To Make Each Other Happy
Concessions Are A Sign Of Strength Not Weakness
A New Era Of Family Relations

Filed under: Children, Education, Man and Woman, Spiritual Work - No Comments →

The second principle of relationships between married couples says: “Each one must try to elevate the mood of the partner all the time.” Every person always welcomes the opportunity to improve his mood. And in a circumstance like this you need to see yourself as more than a partner, like a mother who cares about the welfare of her child.

That is to strive to please the other, to improve his mood, to be concerned that things will be good for him, to try to bring him what he loves, to prepare, to arrange things for him. And I need to show that I am doing this especially for the sake of my wife that I want to give her pleasure. I give her an example of behavior that I would like to see from her in relation to me.

This is talking about a married couple that learns to build the right relationship with each other. We understand that we are two egoists that must correct the condition of our family. Therefore, each one shows a different example and has the privilege to remind the other of how he needs to behave.

Together with this, it is very important to lift each other’s mood because we want to build a connection between us! A good mood helps open the person and a bad mood causes him to withdraw within himself. Therefore, in a bad mood, he is not prepared to connect with others.

If the partner is found in a depressed state like this, it is not possible to make him happy about anything, then it is necessary to descend to his bad mood, to share in his concerns, to try to see everything through his eyes, to agree with his assessment, and to justify him one hundred percent. And after you feel you are found in the same mood, in shared anger, try to take him out from there. For without connection it is impossible to bring the person out of a descent, it is first necessary to grasp him somehow.

And if you try to make the partner happy in this state, then this is liable to create the opposite effect and your optimism will summon within him even greater anger because you are standing opposite each other. First we must attain a connection, solidarity, to feel each other, and only after this, gradually, very slowly begin to lift his spirits, this will be the right psychological approach.

Every state needs to be exploited for the work of nullifying yourself. For example, you come home and see that your house slippers are not in their place, so you are happy that you have the opportunity to rise above your anger and that you receive material on which to work. You know that you will benefit from this in that you will empty an area within yourself for a deeper connection.

A person needs to get compensation for his concession so he will feel that it is worthwhile for him to make this concession, for in a form like this he gains love, a good connection, and even something higher! Within these feelings suddenly some kind of unique elevation appears that he rises from the level of the beast to the level of a human relationship and he can understand that it was worth it.

Question: What if I go home and see that he is wrapped in a storm cloud? My wife is in a bad mood and I’m terribly angry, I’m infected by the bad mood. What should be done in a circumstance like this?

Answer: Go look for a good mood the same way you would look for your house slippers! Search for ways to improve her mood and yours. You now need to become a psychologist in regard to your wife and search for a scientific approach to her, constructive and thoughtful, to build a connection like this with her that will take her out of despair and anger and will raise her to another level of relationship to life. Now you are working like a true psychotherapist.

And you even have stronger tools of influence than an external psychologist because you can approach your wife, hug her, and in a relationship of trust ask her what happened. First of all hug her, this will thaw everything immediately. This is like everything in life that brings a person pleasure and a feeling of support.

The whole method of familial relationships is supported by concessions and the connection that is attained with them by overcoming your ego so that “love covers over all iniquities” by helping the other, by giving an example of how to connect back with you. Everything necessary is already in these words; I have nothing more to add.
[110078]
From a Talk on Integral Upbringing 8/1/12

Related Material:
Concessions Are A Sign Of Strength Not Weakness
A New Era Of Family Relations
A Strong Connection On The Basis Of A Double Ego

Filed under: Children, Integral Upbringing, Man and Woman - 1 Comment →

Question: Suppose I invest all possible efforts in getting close to my wife, yet I don’t find reciprocity from her. Is there some kind of limit to this when I can say that according to how my partner reacts it is worthwhile for me to stop and wait?

Answer: I must help my partner, not just stopping my attempts deciding that I have already tried enough and now I can relax. I simply understand that in a better relationship I would pamper her too much and weaken her, she couldn’t tolerate a good relationship like this from me and remain balanced.

Even while I stop myself from showing excessive kindness and love, I do this out of love. As with children, it is impossible to be too good to them without spoiling them through over-indulgence.

It is necessary to basically consider that we are all “beasts”; we all must work on ourselves to become human. This is possible only through reciprocal work in the family, and then in the whole society.

Question: What is considered a good result here?

Answer: It is possible to be satisfied with the result if we start to feel each other. I no longer approach my wife as if I am travelling in a car to a distant destination; rather, we are found next to each other and turn the steering wheel together. We need to feel that we have common desires, hers and mine, and we both manage them. Our two egos, mine and hers, remain below, while our shared desire to bestow to each other, is found above. We are like two scientists, like two humans, working together on our “beast”.
[110440]
From KabTV’s “A New Life #46” 8/01/12

Related Material:
The Shared Space In Which A Family Is Born
Concessions Are A Sign Of Strength Not Weakness
The Family Relations Adaptor

Filed under: Children, Education, Man and Woman - No Comments →

Question: Do married Kabbalists need to help those who are not married to find a partner for themselves?

Answer: I think that it is desirable for both men and for women to establish a family, although it could be that this is not found in their program.  That a woman today who in the past always aspired to establish a family doesn’t want this, this is the result of a developed, or perhaps even an overly developed, ego.

The person doesn’t see any reason: “Well, I will bring a child into this world, and when ten or fifteen years have passed he will leave me; and then what?”  It is the same thing with the husband as well.  “I dedicated my whole life to him, and then what?”

No, this is not so.  We need to build the same relationships both within and between us, and in the whole world.  Therefore it is necessary to try to act in a family according to the same principle by which we learn the wisdom of Kabbalah and gradually let it take root.  Then the family will acquire meaning, for in spite of it all, this is the same cell from which the growth of the person begins.  The husband and wife need to be involved with the wisdom of Kabbalah together and participate in a group as a single cell.  Also the groups, by uniting, need to participate in our general world group as one cell, and the general world group in relation to all of humanity, until all of us will be locked into one family.  So everything begins from the family.

And never disparage this essential egoistic component, it is simply necessary to raise it to the next level.

Therefore, I think that a man and a woman can get married at any age, work together and participate in a group as a single whole.  With this they will feel how beneficial this cooperation between them is, because in spite of it all, it is doubtful that Kabbalistic obligations will hold you in a group the way they hold you at home.

It’s worth it, I am speaking seriously.  Therefore, all the bachelors should pay attention to not withhold serious, spiritual support from themselves.
[110046]
From the Convention In Krasnoyarsk 6/14/13, Lesson 1

Related Material:
The Golden Key To The Solution Of Problems
The Family As The Center Of The Universe
The “Third Wheel” Doesn’t Hurt

Filed under: Conventions, Events, Group Work, Man and Woman, Spiritual Work, Women's Spirituality - No Comments →

A question I received: You once said: “Egoism’s growth doesn’t allow for romance. Today, romance no longer exists and it isn’t going to come back. Instead of a husband, today’s egoism demands the Creator!” Here lies a serious problem. In order to start a serious relationship with a woman, one has to as if, skip something. In the past, a man would meet a gentle and fragile girl who brought out the strength within him, and whom he wanted to take care of. These instincts kicked in automatically. Today, we don’t meet “gentle women.” The women today have turned into aggressive hunters. How does one develop a desire to fulfill a woman?

My Answer: It’s time to shift your attention to the Creator, since as you can see, women no longer need it.

Filed under: Kabbalah Study, Love, Man and Woman, The Creator, Women, Women's Spirituality - 2 Comments →

A question I received: Why did the Creator create earthly love between a man and a woman? What does it teach us? What are we supposed to do with it?

My Answer: It’s is a result of a relationship in the Upper root, ZA (Zeir Anpin) and Malchut of Atzilut, which we need to attain. In reality, we are all wives in relation to the Creator, or in other words, we all desire to receive pleasure from Him.

Related Material:
* On Love and Marriage – discussion between M. Laitman and Kabbalah Academy instructors Michael Sanilevich and Eugene Litvar.

* Relationships – by M. Laitman, Kabbalah on the purpose of creation, man and woman, a woman’s nature, family, upbringing, drugs and love.

Filed under: Love, Man and Woman, Spiritual Work, Women, Women's Spirituality - No Comments →