Question: The first condition to establish a connection in a marriage is the ability to feel the other. How can we develop the ability to feel the other and his/her desires as my own?
Answer: If I want love and a positive attitude between two people to cover all our mutual sins, all the bad qualities, I need to find out what my partner likes, what he/she wants, and what he/she expects of me.
First I have to discover in me the need to bestow upon the other. Then I have to answer the question: What can I give him/her, how can I make him/her happy? This new need obligates me to check what he/she wants and what he/she expects.
We have to discuss this so that each one will be able to express him or herself freely and to disclose one’s feelings to his or her partner, the most secret wishes and desires and how each one wants to receive signs of love from his or her partner. Each one should help the other understand him or herself to feel and to start living in the other. They have to feel the other’s desires as one’s own, as if the fillings that they provide these desires are in oneself.
Love is called unity, and it is achieved by incorporating in the other. I ascend above my desires and seemingly restrict them, and don’t use them for my own pleasure. Now instead of my own desires I want to absorb the desires of my partner: What does he/she want, what does he/she love?
I want to feel the other’s desires inside me so that they will fill the place where my own desires are. This means that I place the other’s desires above mine and I suppress mine. Now I work and invest all my powers so that the desires of the other will become part of me and start living in me. By that I build his/her image inside me.
I calculate how I can bestow upon him/her. I make these calculations internally by working with the image that was created inside me, with all of her/his needs, desires, yearnings and hopes. Having built this image in me and having worked on it, I now know how to treat the other.
We do all this work mutually, by discussing things. We help one another perceive the other’s image, as it says: “each one shall help his friend.” Thus a person begins to ascend above his own nature to the other’s nature. This is called “help against,” since we help one another build these images inside us: I build my wife’s image inside me and she builds her husband’s image. Each one now includes two images inside him: that of his/her own and that of his/ her partner.
These images constantly change and become clearer, increasingly reflecting their own attributes. Eventually we reach a state in which we know how to relate to one another. I connect to her through her image that is in me and she connects to me through my image that is in her, thus we reach connection.
The spiritual objects, the Partzufim are arranged according to the same principle. Before the Partzuf of Galgata gives birth to the Partzuf of AB it creates the Partzuf of AB inside it. If the Partzuf of AB wants to connect to Galgalta, it does it through the inner Partzuf of AB that is in Galgalta.
This means that every Partzuf has to build some kind of an adaptor internally in order to connect to the other Partzuf. This adaptor accurately reflects the external Partzuf it connects to, but is only in the former. In a mother there is naturally the child’s image and so she understands intuitively how to treat him.
In physiological terms the womb is an adaptor that uses all the body’s reserves providing the embryo everything it needs, after the birth there is the phase of nursing and the external caring for the baby, but it is always fulfilled by the child’s image that is in the mother.
It says that man was created “in God’s image,” which means according to the special model of the upper (image) which the spiritual father and mother, the Partzuf of Aba and Ima give the lower. According to the same equivalence of form, we too can connect to one another, otherwise there will be no connection.
It is the same in technology: we must always build an adaptor so that two different bodies will communicate, in one part there must be an exit that adapts to the entrance in the other part. If the entrance and the exit match the bodies can connect.
If we understand how this works and know how to establish such an adaptor, we will undoubtedly attain the right mutual connection. Then we must constantly carry on with this work in order to improve these systems.
From a “Talk About New Life,” 7/16/12