In the News (from The New York Times): “Once upon a time women seemed more eager than men to marry. Today such generalizations no longer apply.

“Is it women’s preferences (the demand for husbands) or men’s preferences (the supply of husbands) that are driving the trend toward less marriage? It’s hard to tell, but some gender asymmetries are apparent. For instance, a recent poll of unmarried blacks of prime marrying age found that only 25 percent of women were seeking a long-term relationship compared with 43 percent of men. …

“As a contractual commitment, marriage has a price. It offers both costs and benefits to potential partners. The contract involves commitments for financial support and family care on terms that can be completely egalitarian. …

“Women are willing to pay a higher price for marriage than men if they have few alternatives, as when their opportunities for economic independence are restricted. An increase in the supply of women who want to marry drives the price of marriage down for men.

“If the supply of women who want to marry decreases, the terms of marriage move in favor of women. They are likely to receive a larger share of joint income and leisure time. Husbands become more likely to relinquish some decision-making power and do more housework and child care.

“Marriage market dynamics mean that a bride’s bargaining power is partly determined by the number of other choices her groom has (and vice versa). The changing terms of marriage complicate the effects of women’s improved economic position. On the one hand, men should like the prospect of sharing income with a high-earning woman. On the other hand, they may find it difficult to adjust to a new social role. …

“These economists also contend that couples in which the wife earns more than the husband are less satisfied with their marriage and are more likely to divorce. …

“The demand for long-term commitments seems to be steadily declining among both women and men. Philip Cohen persuasively asserts that we should stop bemoaning this change and adapt to a world in which fewer adults marry.”

My Comment: The family is the foundation of civilization and it will exist as long civilization exists. In the past, Bolsheviks dreamed of free sex and raising children in boarding schools, but nature always returns everything to its place. The main thing is to constantly try to strive for harmony with nature by studying it.
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Everyone knows that family life is not easy, and it should not be allowed to drift. If we, as a couple, advance along the path of mutual development, then we can define three “territories” in our relationship:

• The indivisible territory where love reigns between us.

• The common territory where we are in agreement and carry out analysis. This is a place of free choice that we can fill with love as well.

• Everyone’s individual territory where the other partner never enters. Here, a person looks at things from his own point of view, prefers something, doesn’t accept something, even if in contrast to the other, and thinks about something private. After all, we are all people, complex systems.

These territories, in turn, are subdivided into smaller parts, but we are limited to the general division.

The point is that we cannot manage without a primary, basic love. It is like royal marriages where they did not even know each other before and do not have a common point of contact, a point of love. However, young people of today as a rule get married on the basis of some attraction toward each other, driven by at least one spark that happens between them.

Question: How can partners build their relationship correctly in order to fan this spark, to extend the common territory?

Answer: First of all, we turn to the mind, not feelings. A warm feeling that once passed has already disappeared, and the memory of it is deformed by layers of subsequent phases. People even don’t realize that this is a natural thing, hormonal, material, and moreover, is subject to habits and various standards, just as artificial as it is changeable. For instance, if I have grown accustomed to family closeness, then my feeling is more stable, and if my partner matches my physical nature, he or she has a greater impact on the subconscious level.

In short, a flash of the familiar feeling was spontaneous, without thought, and now we want to engage the mind to analyze this outburst. Only the mind will help us to retrieve it from the past, that beautiful past when we used to walk hand in hand and live in harmony, unable to part, and were so passionate that we looked like a couple of idiots with perpetual smiles on our lips. We want to recreate this feeling so that it would sweeten our life and give it taste, meaning, and in this way, we will also be able to radiate warmth and involvement to our children and loved ones. I don’t even mention that according to numerous studies that harmony in the family strengthens health and promotes longevity.

This is why we need to turn to the mind.

First of all, we agree with each other as to how much my partner can demand from me and I from her. Everyone rejects some part of his comfort, in other words, his egoism, and supports and encourages the partner in the daily routine, in business and discussions. We demonstrate this approach to each other as a good example.

Second, each of us turns and relates to the other as to the best, most important, most clever, unique person in the world. We do not shy away from exaggeration, do not avoid high words and compliments. On the contrary, we look for them. I make a list, for example, of twenty lines, although it is not that easy and use it as often as possible. Habit becomes second nature. I really will begin seeing in my “half” what I ascribe to her.

No one demands sincere feelings from me initially. I imagine a beauty queen in my style: A beautiful, highly sensible, a wonderful hostess, a perfect mother, attractive, sexy, and so on. I relate to my wife as if she meets all these parameters until I really recognize all these qualities in her.

In essence, we use the same principle in the group for work with the friends, raising them in our eyes.

So, I mentally paint an image of the best wife in the world, the image that encompasses all aspects of life, all situations. However, it is not limited to fantasies. I work on myself to really treat my wife as if she is that image. I literally “program” myself and our relationship.

Question: So, do I have to ignore reality?

Answer: There is no objective reality. I always see the things that I paint on the “canvas” of my consciousness. In fact, I do not notice my partner, although we live together. I am so used to her that, only occasionally, do I focus on more prominent edges behind the external appearance. In addition, by nature, men are more superficial, while the woman looks deeper, and in this sense it is easier for her to overcome external obstacles.

Either way, having painted an ideal for myself, I “clothe” it on my partner. From now on, she is exactly like this for me and the point is not in appearance. I internally infuse all her qualities with perfection. Let it be selfish. “This is my wife, and, thus, it is the best it can be.”

Of course, this takes effort. I generate this attitude as if I see a painted ideal before myself. All the virtues of the world concentrate in it. I mentally put her on a pedestal, on the queen’s throne, and do not lower her from this height no matter what. Everything in her is perfection, and if I do not like something, it is because egoism covers my eyes.

I repeat, the main thing in this picture is not the external details, but the respect, the reverence, with which I am imbued, the value that the ideal gains in my eyes. Precisely this value, this attitude, I transfer on to my partner. Nothing prevents my imagination from being turned in the right direction and becoming programmed with a certain vision.

We are engaged with a partner in this inner work mutually, deliberately, and consciously. We discuss it. We show each other examples in every situation, accept each other as perfect. Indeed, our eyes see a different picture although later even this will change. However, we shift toward a new relationship, planned for the time being, but serious.

For example, the house is a mess that I cannot stand, and at the same time, I behave with my wife as if she has put everything in its place. I accept the order the way she sees it. I am not looking even for excuses. I initially want and make myself see everything in her and everything that depends on her as perfect.

This is our conscious, mutual concessions, the rejection of egoistic attitude. Working in this way, in a week, I suddenly will find out that everything has changed. It turns out that I really see her as flawless in everything, as she sees me. Love blossoms in our common territory.

In one word, “no pain, no gain.” Love comes when I show my partner an example that I accept him or her, that he or she is very welcome, despite all the negative that I see in him or her. I show love, the same love as for my own baby who is always irresistible in my eyes, however it may be.

In the end, a fairy tale will come true, and love that sprouted and got stronger between us will require no tricks. Any problem will provide us with new opportunities for compromises, concessions, and even more love.

That is why it is said that love will cover all transgressions. It can grow only with their help. If it were not for them, I would not even look at my wife. In this way, any glance reveals something bad for me. This is human nature.

This is where the work begins where we must learn to look at life objectively without dependence on our own desires, fantasies, and passions. We are building the world ourselves, not wishful thinking but by our attitude together we recover the desire from oblivion until it replaces the previous reality.
[107954]
From a “Talk about New Life” 7/30/13

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Question: As a child I loved to read romance novels, and as a result, I certain image of an ideal romantic relationship developed. When I grew up, it seems that I tried to embody this ideal image and constantly got it wrong. It turns out that this image has nothing to do with what I really need.

Answer: Certainly, because these romances are completely imaginary and don’t describe a true inner connection. All of your work must be to be freed from these false forms and images. Nature intentionally obliges us to be occupied with them so that we will become disappointed and freed from this lie and relative to it we will discover how to find true love. Otherwise, we would not have this possibility.

In the meantime we are still enthralled by this lie, captured by our imaginary and artificial images. After we cleanse ourselves of this external Klipa and gradually discover our “net” pure self, our desires and our characteristics, we attain a true inner connection. There will no longer be any falling in love; rather, there will be true love because we will desire to connect soul to soul according to the spiritual characteristics of each of us.

We will understand how it is possible to bestow and to give to each other reciprocally. All of my happiness and emotions are supported by this; I will feel how to fulfill my wife and she will fulfill me, each of us will live within the other.
[112163]
From a Talk on Integral Upbringing 6/20/13

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Question: You say that there is a need for opening a “Course on Love” in today’s world and not to rely on occasional outbursts of love. How should we begin this study?

Answer: First of all, it will be necessary to gather a group of five to ten couples and teach them the fundamentals of human nature. It is up to us to explain to them what our ego is and how it develops, what kind of family there was in the past and how it developed in antiquity, in the Middle Ages, in the new era, and in the post-modern period.

In fact, what motivates this process is our egoistic desire for pleasure. This changes and causes the appearance of new forms of familial relationships.

In the past, they didn’t expect any particular manifestations of emotion from these relationships, for the ego was small and didn’t demand fulfillment at the height of love. A simple partnership was sufficient for this. It was satisfied with a recognized way of life, according to which a man took a woman from his tribe or from the village of his birth, or fulfilled the desire of his parents, and no one saw any problem with this.

In contrast to this, today, factors like modern culture and the media have become involved with this, and young people have become more developed than ever before. They feel the entire world with all their senses and cannot be satisfied with random coincidence or chance meetings with a partner. Many works of art, the Internet, and television present so many examples of searching for partners and relationships, betrayals and disappointments, and conflicts and competition in this area that a shared life has become very complex.

Our ego has grown to such a degree that it confuses us and turns us around at will. We no longer know how to contend with it, and, therefore, we simply need to control it, to rein it in without minimizing it which, in principle, is something impossible. Rather, it must be provided for in such a form that it will not control us, and instead, we will control it.

In order to do this, everyone must rise above his nature, become his own psychologist, and understand his partner also, who in turn must act in the same manner, and then we communicate with it on two levels:

• From thought to thought (intellect) at the height of the person
• From heart to heart, on the level of the ego. After all, the “heart” is the reservoir of all our desires and yearnings.

We understand that we have intellect and emotion, systems that must be balanced in every person in such a form that the brain dominates over the heart. Then, everyone will know how to cooperate and be integrated with others through mutual understanding and bringing desires together.

If we relate to this idea precisely this way, we become a mature pair of researchers. This is not talking about age or about experience, but rather about the approach itself that contributes to a balanced conception of things, even for high school students. This is a real matriculation examination.

At the same time, today, there are couples of the age of forty and fifty who behave like children and come with unrealistic, “childish” complaints about each other, like children who only know how to demand that their mother entertain them.

No, we need to know the boundaries, the limitations of each other, to recognize a person’s inner system. Then, I will understand how close I can be with my partner, where it is necessary to stop and keep my distance, and where to be included with him, or truly adhere to him. In general, we learn this from the various problems in life, from the bitter experience of mistakes that show us what is better for one not to say to the other, about what is possible to compromise, and in what way we are truly together.

We can divide our common field into three parts, three different kinds of relationships. I try to rise above my ego and relate to the nature of my partner in three ways:

• Where not to come into contact with him
• Where to find points of contact
• Where to reach heartfelt adherence

However, then, a question may be asked: How do we relate to this field of ours? How do we integrate these three parts within me and within him? How can we constantly be concerned about meaningful closeness and connection in a more conscious way? How do we develop a “planned” love, which is to say, think about the interests of each of us? You see, love is our shared “child” whom we raise by means of mutual concessions.

The answers to these questions we find together.

Question: What do the partners in this shared field feel in their common “territory”?

Answer: First, we leave the private territory that is found behind each of us alone, the deepest most intimate things, whether it is people who are closest to us from childhood or memories etched into the soul. We don’t touch each other in this area.

Second, our common territory, which we can discuss, is a place of choice that for the meantime is neutral and must be improved all the time.

Third, in the territory of love, we are included in each other. We are connected by a common emotion.

Regarding the common territory, we want to continue to come closer so we can combine it with the “territory” of love. In spite of this, from the start, we need to be aware that each of the partners is an absolute egoist who doesn’t want to give anything to the other and wants to get one hundred percent of pleasure from him. From the start, each one “belongs” to the other, as simple as it sounds, and after that, these two areas, these two circles of our interests, gradually begin to intersect.

I repeat that intimacy is based upon mutual concessions that we try to make in the intensity that grows from time to time. We check ourselves through calculating with constant consideration the degree to which we can continue to approach each other. If emotion exists, that is very good, and if it disappears, the mind continues to follow what is happening. This is a mechanism that is working incessantly. This is a “computer” inside of me and inside my partner, and both of us know that we are going toward greater closeness and integration, until we adhere to each other. We do this more and more, all the time, as much as possible.

These are our programs. All that we do in life, all of our states, we accept not as coincidence, but as a chance, as an opportunity for gradual unification.

In this circumstance, our mind develops the emotion in us. I feel how important my partner is, how unique he is, and that is how he also relates to me. Together, we can sum up our relationship. We are connected and faithful to each other. My partner is a special person, different from all the rest. I am found in a system of a relationship with him that I don’t have with anyone else. Such a mutuality dwells between us that we become one entity.

From here comes the help, support, mutual understanding, and constant effort to show my partner how pleasant it is for me to surrender, to concede to him, to leave more room for him. That is how we advance.

This requires constant work on our ego, but each receives support from the partner. We have something to talk about. There is something to learn from each other.

The main thing here is to act judiciously under the control of the mind. We must practice this. After all, people generally are embarrassed about activating the mind and at the same time are embarrassed about expressing love. They are afraid to open their soul so that you won’t spit at it, so you won’t ridicule their feelings.

So, we need to know the person well, who he is and what he is. Only then will our relationship be natural and we will stop being embarrassed about our nature. On the contrary, we try to work with it with understanding and maturity so that there won’t be misunderstandings, evasiveness between us, and the ridiculous, childish poses that characterize young couples who often are caught in the trap of pride and arrogance. On the contrary, even a young partner will be “ripe” with his grasp and approach to life.

Due to the fact that we are not taught how to love, we lose a lot. We don’t know how to build systems of relationships and so we pass the same erroneous patterns on to our children. Without a doubt, if we show them the right way, then at least the younger generation will receive a gift worth more than fine gold, providing them with a happy life.

Question: You called one of the parts of the field of our system of relationships a territory of love. What does that mean?

Answer: Here, there is an agreement between us. We have already worked together each on his own and with the partner. We become partners in the full sense of the word to such a degree that the differences between us disappear. Usually, people feel something similar with respect to common property, grandchildren, and children, from something that comes from both of them where they already have become one.

For example, we conceived the children together. This relates to both of us and in principle, is no longer something that can be divided. In general, even philosophically, it is interesting that the continuation of love is one from two that includes both of them. However, anyway, the children are our common area of interest and accordingly, of a common emotion. Therefore, it doesn’t matter what happens. We can renew our connection, begin discussions again, and begin to cultivate those blossoms that we share together.

Here is an example of a shared territory: The love that I have in my heart is also in the partner. Our child is like a third factor through which we can develop our love together.

Besides this, we don’t limit ourselves to these three factors. Rather, we allocate a place in our hearts for each other. Just as I feel her in my heart, so she also feels me in her heart. There, in that common territory, we already have some kind of shared feeling, understanding, and agreement. We already have a covenant between us there, a contract for the future. I cannot take her out of this territory, and she cannot take me out. We are rooted there together strongly, deep within the ground, and these roots will no longer disappear.

We need to reach this feeling. It is called absolute love or a covenant, and sometimes when we talk we must focus on the reality of this mutual love.
[107853]
From a Talk about New Life 7/30/12

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Question: What is the compass that will make it possible for me to establish where the “self” is found and where it isn’t? Where is this strange thing found that covers me like a thick Klipot (skin) that needs to be peeled?

Answer: This compass is the group. When you discuss this together, you reach the true form that exists in everyone, male or female. A youth who is in love symbolizes a personal lack for connection with another. However, in the meantime, this other is comprehended by him on the animate level as an interest in the opposite sex.

However, when you peel away all of the artificial Klipot and move it all to the left side, only the desire that you discover remains for you on the right side, then, with the help of the two Kelim, you become an expert examiner who begins to examine and clarify. You already can look at everything seriously, understanding what you want to attain. You now search for a true, reciprocal connection in order to fill that space that is discovered in you.

Additionally, this is not that same space that existed then on the small, animate level. Rather, now, this is a space on the level of the Adam (man). You understand and feel this. Through the peeling, you expose the inner space, and then you truly understand what you are truly seeking. This begins to be clarified. You don’t go back to being that little boy or little girl. Rather, you transform into a man or a woman, understanding what you want.

You are searching for a true inner connection, a reciprocal relationship, a desire to fulfill each other where each one thinks about the other and is found within his own space. He wants to be aware of the space and to fill it. He knows what to do in order to penetrate into it and fill it, and the other opens his heart before me and both act reciprocally.

You understand what to do and together you play with the two lines. All the evil that you peeled away from yourselves transforms into shared evil, and even the good transforms into being shared, and then you transform into a single person with both good and bad characteristics. Together, you become a man and a woman connected into a single system.
[111933]
From a Talk on Integral Upbringing 6/20/13

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Question: How is it possible to choose a partner for life without repeating the failed experiences of the past and learning to build a good, stable, and correct connection that will endure?

Answer: First of all, a true connection is not transient. I am specifically interested that it will continue all the time, for with it I can have a very strong connection, “open” myself in breadth and depth so much so that through this connection I will be able to see the world differently. Building my connection with a partner becomes a new “Kli” for comprehending reality, comprehending the world.

In a form like this I open and discover myself, becoming a person with new “Kelim,” vessels. Thanks to the new spaces that I discover in my relationship with my partner, I acquire additional new emotions. Therefore I would not agree to lose her, I need her all the time so that within the reciprocal connection that we are building and developing I will acquire a different, more internal point of view of the world.

We begin to internalize deeper relationships between all parts of Creation, within the connections between people and all of humanity. Our familial connection gets better. We learn how it is up to us to relate to children and the children to us. By way of the relationships between us, we begin to understand what nature is. We learn that there exist forces in nature that are called, “father and mother,” and “children.” All creatures pair off to continue the generation, plus are always connected to minus in the nature of the still, vegetative, animate and in human society.

Polarized relationships like these are created not only between a single man and woman but also between the strata of a particular population, between various groups. I see the entire universe as a system of reciprocal linkage. Within my understanding, within me, I am already beginning to see the entire world in the right way. You see, nature intentionally arouses these forces in me so that in a form like this I will be able to be aware of it.

In the beginning of my connection with a woman, I see a foundation for unlocking the secret of life, the secret of our existence. I will be able to understand and see everything in my life in a deeper, more correct form, and I will never err! Apparently my individual internal success transforms into my social and existential success.

Therefore I relate very seriously to familial relationships and search for a woman who understands me and feels as I do, so we can operate at the same frequency. It’s up to us to get an education in the new society where all the single men and women are gathered and where there will be a multitude of possibilities for being more aware of one another.

During the discussions, the workshops, and the various events, each one can check and find someone who is most appropriate for him and closest to him in outlook, opinions, attitude, and comprehension. We begin to play like a musical chord, as if we are playing together with a single instrument, completing each other all the time.

It’s difficult to convey this with words; this belongs more to an internal emotion. The work is done on two planes. On the one hand we peel from ourselves all of the artificial strata that we received throughout our lives from external influences, all the imaginary values. And on the other hand, the more that we are released from these values, we can begin to play this within that, as with a musical instrument.

We see how we complete each other and emphasize the area formed between us in which I fulfill her and she fulfills me. We blend together so much into one image that it’s impossible to differentiate where I am and where she is, rather everything transforms into a single partnership. The more that we succeed in building and expanding this unity, I can no longer determine who is appropriate for me and who is not.

It’s necessary to understand that we are found in a natural force field in which everything is linked except for humans. But if we continue to connect, then we also begin to be integrated with nature on the level of Adam, the “speaking” level, we reach equivalence of form with nature. Then I begin to examine to what accommodation, to what equivalence of form with nature I reach together with the woman to whom I propose marriage.

We transform into one unit composed of the plus and minus found in balance with nature. We begin to feel that within us some kind of melody begins to play. This is the feeling of our accommodation with the general force of nature, the power of connection, the reciprocal bestowal and love. This force is discovered within us and must be proof that we are appropriate for each other and can continue to be together.

As long as we have not reached a feeling like this, it’s impossible to say anything. Nobody can predict if we are appropriate or not, no sage or adviser. The couple themselves must discover this. We are like David’s harp that hung on the wall and played when the north wind came and strummed on its strings. Therefore it’s also up to us to try to reach that wind and play upon our shared harp.
[111799]
From KabTV’s A Talk About New Life 6/20/13

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Question: Love means friendship and friendship, love. Why is there love between parents and children, but there is no friendship?

Answer: Basically, today, neither exists. We are in such a state of heightened egoism when children and parents no longer feel love for each other. We are not to blame; it is just what it is.

Today, many things are changing in humanity. People do not want to have children, do not want to create a family. There are those who agree to have a family but do not want children, and to the contrary, they want to have children but do not want to have a family. In general, everything is not right.

In my youth, everything was a bit different, and now I look at young people and do not understand them. They have a completely different nature. It is a sharp change of generation, hastening of time, and even greater changes are ahead of us.

The fact is that there is a rise of desires that are not yet expressed in us clearly, but are detached from the previous degree; that is, we are moving more and more away from the animate world. In other words, human nature, human egoism, is increasingly manifested in us. Therefore, we become detached from the previous animate level, and we lose the natural instincts aimed at creating a family and raising children. They acquire a nominal character.

All this leads us to correction. Meanwhile, people are moving under the influence of the new desires that are awakened in them, and then they will begin to recognize them, moreover, recognize them as harmful. How can we correct this? It is only by correcting our intention, working on mistakes.
[112152]
From the Convention in St. Petersburg, “Preparatory Lesson”

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Question: After I finish a particular stage of work with the group, is there a stage in which I work with a particular partner?

Answer: Yes, we gradually reach this after we discover how much we require a reciprocal connection and want to love someone. To love, this is to fulfill someone on a personal level. My inner space begins to indicate that I want to bestow to him, to do good for someone. This is called the impulse of love.

This is exactly what every youth feels when he is in love for the first time. He first wants to reach a connection with someone, to bestow to her and receive from her. The connection can only be a mutual connection; I convey something to her and receive something from her. I didn’t understand this then, since I was not a good psychologist yet. And now, through the “peeling” of the self and the work in a group, I begin to clarify what my true desire was. Therefore, when we get the natural state of being in love for the first time, it is not realized. But the second time that we reach a deficiency like this, it will be realized already.

As a result of the inner clarification of my true desire, I will need to discover that deep desire within me; I yearned to find someone in order to give to him. This is because I am happy if I succeed in making someone in particular happy. And he knows this, and returns that same relationship to me. Each one of us fulfills the other.

Question: And so I begin to search for someone to whom I will be able to bestow?

Answer: This becomes clear because we begin to sing at the same frequency, and I feel this. We have disengaged from an external look at each other and don’t look for an external attraction, rather we look more at the reactions of each other, and these reactions become more and more internal.

Suddenly I begin to feel that a particular person meets my inner requirements in a diverse way. We check all of this, speak between us within the group, and begin to understand with whom we can connect more and more clearly. This is continuous and most precise work. In such a form we build new Kelim, vessels, within us for mutual bestowal, a means for connection between us.
[111977]
From a Talk on Integral Upbringing 6/20/13

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The first stage when searching for a life partner is to peel from myself all extraneous things, like artificial values and perceptions of life, that I receive from external influences during my life. The second stage is returning to youth, to the ages of 12-15 when we suddenly fell in love for the first time in life and we discovered some kind of space within ourselves that could be filled only by a complementary reaction from someone, through reciprocity.

Question: Where do we begin our “peeling”?

Answer: It’s necessary to start from discussions in groups of single men and women. There we try to clarify what is artificial and didn’t belong to us from the start and that we acquired during our lives from different societies, artificial connections, from the Internet, from models that established all of our behavior of how to look and behave. A girl thinks that she needs to be seen as sure of herself and haughty like a princess. And a boy needs to be seen as macho, a hero, tall, strong, successful, and full of self confidence.

But it’s up to us to peel away from ourselves all of the images associated with a society that forces us to be seen this way and not another, and to clarify my true need in connection to which I can open myself wide without fear of anything. For if I truly cleanse myself of all the excess, then I will discover that I am that child who is not afraid that someone will harm him.

It’s up to me to understand that I am placed before the society as before nature with its laws. If I am included in it in a more open, clean, and simple form, I can feel myself protected. Specifically, thanks to the discovery of my examined heart, I can clarify who is ready to be with me in a reciprocal connection.

That is how I search for male friends for myself and also women, judging how appropriate they are for me, how they understand me and flow in the same wavelength as me. We pay attention less and less to exteriors and later pay less and less attention to gender; rather, we consider more and more the Adam (man) in them.

When we attain a feeling like this through directed discussions and workshops that raise us from the animate level to the “speaking” level, then I see who is close to me in soul and I am not attracted physically, nor do I answer to the distorted artificial standards that I received from society. It’s up to me to discern which friends are closer to me with the help of my soul, my inner voice.

Which is to say, first of all, I peel away all of the superfluous things that don’t belong to me. In the name of this we speak, make conversation within our group, and want to reach connection, to help one another. And after I have peeled all of this away, my true self remains, the pure, natural potential that existed before they clothed me with all the external Klipot. This is no longer that little child, but is my true deficiency, the inner void.

The first deficiency to link with another human I received from the outside as a natural yearning. But the second time the deficiency comes from me, from within me, “from below to above”; I awaken it with my own force, therefore it belongs to me. Therefore I can control it, understand it. This is no longer just a natural instinct that falls upon me from above to below, rather it is derived from me, which is to say, “from below to above.”

The first desire is from that child who fell in love for the first time in his life. And after that they added a “hardening of the heart,” life covered him with various egoistic coverings. Now it’s up to me to try to peel away all of these coverings, all of the superfluous layers, that conceal the true self and return to the natural deficiency. But this will not be that same child any more.

The first love symbolized for us the need, the thirst for an inner spiritual link with some perfected form, which we described as a young woman that we loved, a link from soul to soul. And now it’s as if I return to that state, but this is after I have peeled all of the artificial layers from myself and therefore I am found between two lines. On the one hand, I hold onto the pure natural deficiency, and on the other hand, I have all the Klipot, all of my ego, the evil force.

I have peeled away all of the concepts from myself that are considered to be good and evil in the eyes of society and that are not derived from me, all of the values that I received at school: how to look and how to behave. For all of them play their role.

I once saw a scene from an American film in which they laughed at the artificial behavior of children in a classroom. The children played roles all the time, imitating famous actors from the movies. And it was clear from what film and from what role each one was acting at the moment. And in the next moment, he already had begun to play another role, and that’s how it was for each one.

It’s up to us to peel from ourselves all of the images that they stuck on us, that they compelled us to play all the time. You will suddenly catch yourself thinking about how to sit, how to hold your head nicely. I see how my grandson mimics precisely all the movements of the kindergarten teacher.

An adult is tied hand and foot by models of behavior, images, preferences, and values. This begins with those that he adopted in childhood until the ages of 6-8, through a natural mimicking of adults. And after that he already began to store them himself through his ego, a desire to look good because society shows him that this is proper behavior in its opinion.
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From the Talk about Integral Upbringing 4/4/13

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Question: If, let’s say, an integral group includes five married couples, would it make a woman’s spiritual fulfillment stronger? Does she receive this fulfillment from her husband or from other men as well?

Answer: In a group, couples are learning only how to perceive one another correctly. Other married couples are like examples that give me different variations of relationships. This way, I grasp at once quite a few different problems, solutions, approaches, and so on. I become more bendable, soft, and flexible. For example, a wagon wheel can be made of wood or iron, and there is rubber. A wheel made of rubber does not break. I need precisely such softness that I acquire when I see others and observe their relationships.

I learn to be not only with myself. Inclusion into the integral society allows me to be prepared for everything that can only exist in the world.
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From the Talk about Integral Upbringing 4/4/13

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How Can We Understand One Another?
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