Everyone knows that family life is not easy, and it should not be allowed to drift. If we, as a couple, advance along the path of mutual development, then we can define three “territories” in our relationship:
- The indivisible territory where love reigns between us.
- The common territory where we are in agreement and carry out analysis. This is a place of free choice that we can fill with love as well.
- Everyone’s individual territory where the other partner never enters. Here, a person looks at things from his own point of view, prefers something, doesn’t accept something, even if in contrast to the other, and thinks about something private. After all, we are all people, complex systems.
These territories, in turn, are subdivided into smaller parts, but we are limited to the general division.
The point is that we cannot manage without a primary, basic love. It is like royal marriages where they did not even know each other before and do not have a common point of contact, a point of love. However, young people of today as a rule get married on the basis of some attraction toward each other, driven by at least one spark that happens between them.
Question: How can partners build their relationship correctly in order to fan this spark, to extend the common territory?
Answer: First of all, we turn to the mind, not feelings. A warm feeling that once passed has already disappeared, and the memory of it is deformed by layers of subsequent phases. People even don’t realize that this is a natural thing, hormonal, material, and moreover, is subject to habits and various standards, just as artificial as it is changeable. For instance, if I have grown accustomed to family closeness, then my feeling is more stable, and if my partner matches my physical nature, he or she has a greater impact on the subconscious level.
In short, a flash of the familiar feeling was spontaneous, without thought, and now we want to engage the mind to analyze this outburst. Only the mind will help us to retrieve it from the past, that beautiful past when we used to walk hand in hand and live in harmony, unable to part, and were so passionate that we looked like a couple of idiots with perpetual smiles on our lips. We want to recreate this feeling so that it would sweeten our life and give it taste, meaning, and in this way, we will also be able to radiate warmth and involvement to our children and loved ones. I don’t even mention that according to numerous studies that harmony in the family strengthens health and promotes longevity.
This is why we need to turn to the mind.
First of all, we agree with each other as to how much my partner can demand from me and I from her. Everyone rejects some part of his comfort, in other words, his egoism, and supports and encourages the partner in the daily routine, in business and discussions. We demonstrate this approach to each other as a good example.
Second, each of us turns and relates to the other as to the best, most important, most clever, unique person in the world. We do not shy away from exaggeration, do not avoid high words and compliments. On the contrary, we look for them. I make a list, for example, of twenty lines, although it is not that easy and use it as often as possible. Habit becomes second nature. I really will begin seeing in my “half” what I ascribe to her.
No one demands sincere feelings from me initially. I imagine a beauty queen in my style: A beautiful, highly sensible, a wonderful hostess, a perfect mother, attractive, sexy, and so on. I relate to my wife as if she meets all these parameters until I really recognize all these qualities in her.
In essence, we use the same principle in the group for work with the friends, raising them in our eyes.
So, I mentally paint an image of the best wife in the world, the image that encompasses all aspects of life, all situations. However, it is not limited to fantasies. I work on myself to really treat my wife as if she is that image. I literally “program” myself and our relationship.
Question: So, do I have to ignore reality?
Answer: There is no objective reality. I always see the things that I paint on the “canvas” of my consciousness. In fact, I do not notice my partner, although we live together. I am so used to her that, only occasionally, do I focus on more prominent edges behind the external appearance. In addition, by nature, men are more superficial, while the woman looks deeper, and in this sense it is easier for her to overcome external obstacles.
Either way, having painted an ideal for myself, I “clothe” it on my partner. From now on, she is exactly like this for me and the point is not in appearance. I internally infuse all her qualities with perfection. Let it be selfish. “This is my wife, and, thus, it is the best it can be.”
Of course, this takes effort. I generate this attitude as if I see a painted ideal before myself. All the virtues of the world concentrate in it. I mentally put her on a pedestal, on the queen’s throne, and do not lower her from this height no matter what. Everything in her is perfection, and if I do not like something, it is because egoism covers my eyes.
I repeat, the main thing in this picture is not the external details, but the respect, the reverence, with which I am imbued, the value that the ideal gains in my eyes. Precisely this value, this attitude, I transfer on to my partner. Nothing prevents my imagination from being turned in the right direction and becoming programmed with a certain vision.
We are engaged with a partner in this inner work mutually, deliberately, and consciously. We discuss it. We show each other examples in every situation, accept each other as perfect. Indeed, our eyes see a different picture although later even this will change. However, we shift toward a new relationship, planned for the time being, but serious.
For example, the house is a mess that I cannot stand, and at the same time, I behave with my wife as if she has put everything in its place. I accept the order the way she sees it. I am not looking even for excuses. I initially want and make myself see everything in her and everything that depends on her as perfect.
This is our conscious, mutual concessions, the rejection of egoistic attitude. Working in this way, in a week, I suddenly will find out that everything has changed. It turns out that I really see her as flawless in everything, as she sees me. Love blossoms in our common territory.
In one word, “no pain, no gain.” Love comes when I show my partner an example that I accept him or her, that he or she is very welcome, despite all the negative that I see in him or her. I show love, the same love as for my own baby who is always irresistible in my eyes, however it may be.
In the end, a fairy tale will come true, and love that sprouted and got stronger between us will require no tricks. Any problem will provide us with new opportunities for compromises, concessions, and even more love.
That is why it is said that love will cover all transgressions. It can grow only with their help. If it were not for them, I would not even look at my wife. In this way, any glance reveals something bad for me. This is human nature.
This is where the work begins where we must learn to look at life objectively without dependence on our own desires, fantasies, and passions. We are building the world ourselves, not wishful thinking but by our attitude together we recover the desire from oblivion until it replaces the previous reality.
From a “Talk about New Life” 7/30/13