Question: The principle for creating good relationships between couples states: “Through connection and love each one is included in the other, is enriched, and acquires more and more powers. The condition for this is that the person reduces himself in relation to the other and doesn’t place himself higher than the other.” How do we realize this principle in relationships between couples?
Answer: A connection is formed between couples like between two natures that become integrated into each other. The ego of each, within which the person lives, is round. He guards its borders and wants to receive fulfillment within them; other than this nothing concerns him. He also wants to receive pleasure and be fulfilled by his partner. If he is fulfilled thanks to which he benefits the partner, then this is what we call love. And if he is fulfilled by only taking from the partner and doesn’t give anything in return, this is called hatred. But ultimately, there is only one goal, personal fulfillment.
And here begins my work according to the original plan that I must nullify myself. The more that I empty a place within me of my ego, refrain from filling it, I can insert more and more of the desires of the other, meaning my wife’s, instead of my desires. In this form, each nullifies his ego in order to accept the desires of the other.
Ultimately a shared territory is created where I have nullified myself to give pleasure to my wife, and she does the same thing in regard to me as well in order to give me pleasure. That is how we find ourselves in a common territory where there is complete mutual agreement and connection between us. Through my concession and her concession, I accept her desires and thoughts and she accepts my desires and thoughts. This is at least to a particular degree, clearly everything would not be immediate.
This common territory is called the area of connection between us, unity, where we feel a common desire, a common attraction and understanding. In this territory exist agreement, a covenant, and love between us. Love says that I want to fulfill particular desires of my partner and she wants to do the same thing for me also. Meanwhile, this is not absolute and perfect love but only partial love, but we are conscious of this and protect it and are concerned about its existence.
Question: Due to what am I enriched and do I acquire additional powers?
Answer: Thanks to my connection with the other, even in the smallest common territory, then all the rest of his territory, including his desires and abilities, also pass into my domain. For if love, agreement, and connection in some kind of common territory exists between us, we are no longer enemies. We have not yet reached complete agreement; we haven’t worked on this yet. It could be that these questions have not been awakened in us yet and don’t stand like barriers before us that we must change and remove. But after we have reached a partial agreement, some kind of connection, love, and support, then it is already possible to be sure that the opposing side will stand by your side, will be your partner.
I concede my desires and thoughts and am ready to accept the desires, thoughts, and expectations of the partner; this is saying that I am nullifying myself in regard to her. Nature helps us with this; it connects us through common property, a house, and shared finances. It obliges us to be concerned for each other because we cannot exist separately. And the main thing is that we share in giving birth to children towards whom we feel an instinctive, natural love.
And so it is logical that a common realm is created between us on the earthly, material level. So what is required of us is to fulfill our common realm on a higher stratum through concessions of our ego, one in regard to the other, and in additional connection.
Particularly in our day we have reached such an egoistic development that the house, the common property, and our shared children no longer matter to us. So if we don’t construct a spiritual addition, undoubtedly we will divorce.
It is clear that neither of us would agree to nullify himself towards the other unless we intentionally do this for the sake of a higher goal. “Domestic peace” brings us a multitude of benefits; it protects the nerves, health, years of life and it brings serenity. There must be a very strong belief in all of society, a need to explain this to people. If each one would agree to see the discovery of the higher power in the partner, the likeness through which the Creator presents himself to the person, then necessarily he would lower himself.
From KabTV’s “New Life” 8/1/12