Comment: We received a lot of questions after we aired the video “The Secret to a Strong Marriage.” In it, you said that if a wife in a family somehow resembles her husband’s mother or takes care of her husband the way his mother did, then this marriage will be strong.
One of our readers writes: “A woman should be a mother to her children and not to her husband, wiping his runny nose. Let him live with his mother until old age.”
Another reader asks: “Who should I learn from if my mother-in-law is a drunkard? She did not raise her son properly, and the father-in-law is lazy and gave nothing to his son. With all due respect to the author, I think his reasoning is unacceptable to many.”
My Response: Then why did you marry a son of a drunkard? How did you choose such a husband?
Comment: Maybe she did not know his mother was like that.
My Response: How could she not know? You did not know his family? You should judge your future husband by his family. Who are you tying your life to?
Question: So you have to look at what kind of family the husband comes from?
Answer: Where did he grow up if not his family?
Question: I selected the more pointed statements. A woman under the pseudonym “Polite Hooligan” writes very bluntly: “You do not sleep with your mother. You do not desire your mother as a woman. So, what is left for unfortunate women, wives, and mothers?”
Answer: If you want attention and love, it has nothing to do with sexual contact. It has to do with the heart. If you want that kind of relationship from your husband, then you should resemble his mother. There is no way around it, this is the law of nature! You can philosophize all you want, but that is how it is. That is the only way you can “buy” him.
Observe what special behaviors his mother has, any specific turns of phrase, mannerisms, maybe even speech patterns. Try to subtly imitate her in some way, and you will see, he turns into a child. Is that a bad thing?
Comment: So he is already “tamed,” he is yours.
My Response: Yes, and now you have a husband who wants to be with you.
Question: But if a man has resentment toward his mother, why would he need another one nearby?
Answer: Then you will understand how to behave to present him with a “corrected” mother figure.
Question: And you keep coming back to this point?
Answer: Yes, absolutely! Everything revolves around this. Because he came from her, and she raised him.
Question: And this lives in him and remains within him forever?
Answer: Of course! She carried him, then breastfed him. As a little baby, he would lay against her chest, keeping warm. This all stays with him. It is a state that practically every person is drawn to throughout their life.
According to Kabbalah, this is also true. Even when we physically separate from our mothers, we remain connected. That bond does not disappear simply because we are physically apart.
Question: You said that if a father leaves the family, children feel it as a betrayal.
But this probably applies to women, too. Many agreed with this, which led to the following question: “Then is it correct to say that when a mother brings another man, a stepfather into the home, that is also a betrayal?”
Answer: This is practically impossible to ever overcome. For children who have parted with their father, the arrival of another man in the home is an enormous problem! You cannot replace it. It is blood! Blood is not water. For a child, it is terrible!
Comment: Many fathers I know are actually stepfathers who have become real parents to the children in their new families. And for the children, this new father has also become real.
My Response: Yes, because a stepfather has to invest more in the child than he would in his own biological son. A biological son is already his by blood. But a stepchild is not, so to truly become a father, he has to invest more. And the child feels that the stepfather invests in him. He develops a sense of responsibility toward the stepfather.
But still, a child will always have a connection to his biological father, either very negative or very positive. And to the stepfather, either negative or positive. The child must form some clear attitude. And this internal duality largely shapes his outlook on life.
Question: But does the father who left still remain inside the child or not?
Answer: He remains, but possibly in a negative form. The child may reject the father, not want him, try to erase him from life, from his biography, from memory. And instead, forcefully replace him with the stepfather. This duality is, of course, very difficult for a child, for a young psyche.
Question: But the imprint of the father always exists in the child?
Answer: Yes, it always exists even if the child tries to erase it. It can be revived very quickly, suddenly reappearing like a ghost from the past, standing before a child in a desperate cry: “What about him? What about that?” In short, there are different destinies.
Question: And you still believe that a father who leaves his family is a traitor to his child?
Answer: He exchanged the child for something else! He did not just leave. He is not a hero who died in war or is exploring the Arctic. He is not someone who sacrificed himself while wanting to stay with them. He is a man who voluntarily left, who chose this path. And a boy cannot accept this.
Question: Next question. Someone asks: “How can a marriage be strong without love?” And another reader writes: “Dear Dr. Laitman, what do you mean ‘no love’? What about Solomon’s words on love: ‘A husband should see his wife as his beautiful lady, his only one, his beloved.'”
Answer: “Habit is given to us from above! It replaces happiness.” If you get used to something, meaning you continuously receive something from it, then the source of that fulfillment becomes dear, close, beloved, and comfortable.
A person is a small egoist. What love? Love is about what you receive from someone. And if you receive nothing, there is no love. Or there is some other habit, or a bond through children, etc. But fundamentally, we must understand human nature!
Trying to detach from nature and move into some abstract philosophy or emotions is unrealistic.
Question: But still, when can we say there is love between husband and wife? In what case?
Answer: We can call love a long-term habit, a mutual inclusion in each other’s lives. When someone starts with external gifts, then every day he tries to fill their partner with something. To the point where the partner can no longer do without it. And most importantly, the giver himself can no longer do without giving.
And he forms a second type of bond, almost Kabbalistic: he suffers when he cannot give.
Question: So, when he gives, he sees how much joy it brings to the other?
Answer: Yes, and that is what binds him. Like a mother to a child. What does she expect? She wants to feel and see his joy.
Comment: So, she gives him a spoonful of porridge, and suddenly he smiles! And for her, that is happiness.
My Response: Yes. Look at your wife when she places a bowl of borscht in front of you: “Here! Eat!” Or calmly sets the table, wipes it, places the bowl, lays the spoon, and looks at you like a mother.
Question: I like the second one better. And should one spouse treat the other this way?
Answer: From the woman’s side, this is the foundation of a strong family. Because a man is a child! He does not give birth, does not create the next generation. He only supports and realizes himself through a woman. So if she acts this way, there can be no problems in the family! None! Because, in essence, he stays with his mother.
Comment: People are writing to you: “You said: ‘Live for the children. Do not divorce for the sake of the children.'”
My Response: I believe that divorce is an extreme measure. I don’t know, but what is a valid reason for divorce?
Comment: For example, a reader writes: “Nowadays, people don’t live for their children. It is not worth sacrificing your life for them. No one will appreciate it in the future!”
My Response: That doesn’t mean whether one should live or not. You created these children, so you must care for them. And they, in turn, must care for their children. This cycle continues as long as we exist in this world.
Comment: But she says the children will not appreciate it.
My Response: That does not matter! What difference does it make? Oh, so you had children just so they would appreciate you later? Well, that is a different story!
Comment: She says: “Time, the lost years can never be regained.”
My Response: What years? In what way are they lost? Because you did not tie yourself to another man?
Comment: Another woman writes: “If there are no feelings, why keep someone around? She says: ‘One should live for the children but not endure life with someone they don’t need.'”
My Response: This is such a consumerist philosophy that I do not even know how to argue against it. “I need him, I do not need him. If I need him, I will keep him, and if I do not, I will throw him out like an old piece of furniture.” I do not think we can preserve families, or even society, with this kind of mindset.
Comment: Here is another letter: “I agree with a lot, but suffering for the sake of children, living with someone who physically repels you is not worth it. There is nothing good about children witnessing an unhappy family dynamic. They will carry that into their own future families.”
My Response: That depends on the woman. I understand that a husband can behave in ways that make it very hard for a woman to endure. But still, there is family, there are children, there is what we call a home. And the wife is the home.
Comment: There are many comments, thousands. I have chosen just a small handful. Here is one supportive comment: “I do not want to defend men, but one thing I know for sure—behind every successful man is a strong woman. And behind every happy family is a wise woman. This video is timely for both women and men.”
My Response: Yes, and the wisdom lies in understanding human nature; that a person cannot escape it! Even if they wanted to. When studying Kabbalah, we see in ourselves how one moment we make a decision, and the next moment we are already different.
This must be understood. We must forgive! My teacher always said that a family is built on mutual concessions. When we understand who we are, two egotists, and that we are not in control of ourselves from one moment to the next. We are not! We do not know.
We would like to be consistent in something, especially in family life when there are children and everything, but we cannot! We are constantly pressured from above, changing every second, and that is why a person is different every minute.
We need to understand this. And we should not just forgive another person. There is nothing to forgive—we must understand that this is simply our nature! Let’s rise above it together, and when we achieve that, we will see that we can be different. But for now, it is still on the way.
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From KabTV’s “News with Dr. Michael Laitman” 2/9/20
Related Material:
The Secret of a Strong Marriage
The Foundation Of The Family
There Is No Place More Comfortable Than Home
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Question: Nowadays we live in a time when a person stops sensing other people. Sociologists and scholars write about this. I don’t see the other, I don’t want to see, I don’t want to feel. What kind of time is this?
