Revelation in Feelings
Comment: I have always viewed the world through reason and logic. But today, during the gathering of friends, I began to feel many things through emotions, and I thought I was going crazy. On the one hand I want to hold on to this feeling that I experienced at the convention, but on the other hand, I am afraid of what might happen next.
My Response: While listening to you, I was reminded of myself. I also used to perceive the world only through laws. I am still like that, that is how I was made. I need to see the system, its laws, how it is laid out clearly, where the input is, where the output is, the formula by which it operates, the interferences, their regulation, etc. That is my nature.
When I began studying Kabbalah I was also focused only on the system. Before coming to RABASH, I had been studying Kabbalah for four years already, studying the structure of creation: worlds, Partzufim, Sefirot, clear laws!
Anything that had to do with feelings, I pushed aside. I could not even open those books. They seemed to me like fiction, sentimental outpourings, some kind of sugary fluff. I could not take it! I could not compare them, even though it was written that this is a science. I could not understand how one related to the other.
I remember having deep internal struggles. But I simply set them aside as if they did not exist. Like we usually say, “I do not believe it.” That is it, I will deal only with what I can grasp.
But when I started studying with RABASH, I saw how it all came together in him. We seriously studied the system: I would ask, and he would answer everything clearly, mathematically, with iron logic, because we were studying the physics of two forces.
Basically, what is there? There are two forces that interact with each other according to exact laws. As it is said, it is a system of forces that descends from above downward, according to precise laws, with the goal of revealing the Creator to a person in this world. In other words, it is a system. That is all.
There is some kind of skeleton, mechanics, and forces acting through this mechanism on a person so that through this system he can understand the force that operates within it. This was very clear to me and aligned with my natural inner structure. My profession matched this as well. I deliberately chose it because I was drawn to a systematic view of the world.
But after studying with RABASH when I suddenly felt that he was speaking about feelings, I could not understand what they had to do with anything. Revelation is in reason! And he says: “Revelation is in feelings.” I looked at him devotedly, like a dog at its master, but I did not understand what he wanted from me. He spoke, and I nodded. He would ask, “Do you understand?” And I would say, “Yes.”
This went on for a long time. I did not understand what was being asked of me! What feelings?! Charts, diagrams, schematics… I would ask, and he would answer. But what do feelings have to do with this?! I did not have any.
Only later, after two or even three years, when it began to dawn on me that matter is desire, came the realization that it goes through feelings. That, I could not grasp. What does it mean, “matter is desire”? Matter? Yes. Does it work? Yes. Desire? That is plus and minus. But where is it in me? I could not connect what was written with myself, with my own feelings.
Then I started to understand that, indeed, it cannot be connected with my feelings because I am an animal. But what is being spoken about here are other kinds of feelings, on a higher level. It was about the feelings of bestowal and reception, which do not exist within me or for me, but are isolated from me by the first restriction (Tzimtzum Aleph) and operate outside of me. There, bestowal and reception are not within me, but in the other.
Meaning, I have to isolate myself and start to constantly think about the other, in him is reception, in him is bestowal, and about how my system interacts with his system. Suddenly it started to come together for me like a normal part of the system because I detached from the perception that the world is within me. Now, “the world in me” means the feeling of myself outside myself, in others.
Then it became easier for me, because these were not the same corporeal emotions I constantly got confused in. This is an entirely different method, a different system of relationships. It is detached from me. I place a barrier and start building it outside myself, under the control of reason, under the control of feeling. These feelings do not come from my heart, but from the intention to exit myself and feel myself in another.
When this picture came together for me, I began to understand what Kabbalah is talking about. I remember how difficult it was for me because I think I was more insensitive than you. But on the other hand it was such a joy, such a powerful revelation. It is amazing that such a coarse, lowly, and egoistic person like me was constantly being pushed toward this work.
That is why the most important thing is to understand that Kabbalah speaks of “outside of me,” “outside of my skin.” I used to imagine it all differently, like taking an apple and peeling off the skin. In the same way, I thought I had to peel my own skin, and then I would feel the world.
But it turns out it is not like that. You have to exit and feel everything outside yourself, only in others; that is where you exist. Your body remains an animal; it exists as an animal. You only deal with living in others, that is where your feelings, your mind, your Kli (vessel) are.
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From Lesson 1, Convention in St. Petersburg, 7/12/2013
Related Material:
Same Words, But Without Shells
A Spiritual Feeling
Perfection Is The Unification Of Mind And Heart
