Question: As a specialist in personal coaching, I can attest that over fifty percent of the people come to courses specifically because they have difficulties in building connections as couples.

This is a very painful and difficult topic. People don’t understand how to build and maintain the most important connection in their lives. Sometimes they are in despair and throw up their hands, but deep within their hearts in spite of it all they yearn for this closeness, even though they don’t know how to build it….

Answer: First of all we must understand that we constantly pass through a series of changes. It is impossible to compare modern couples and old-fashioned couples who lived a half-century of a century earlier, and even more so those who lived even before this. People communicated much more easily then; they married fellow villagers, they knew all the families, were familiar with their characteristics, culture, and education.

Therefore there were no surprises in marriage, even the future family menu was known from the start. People were more dependent upon each other; they required more mutual help. Due to a lack of time, people could not take care of themselves alone; they could not build their lives, run the household, cook, clean, do laundry, and so forth.

In short, a couple needed each other to survive. A person simply didn’t see a future without marriage and a healthy family. He could not even provide himself with necessities.

It was the same regarding children. In general, the entire society was built on clear patterns of family with three generations often living together. The young and the old depended upon each other, and in fact, they were an inseparable unit.

On the other hand, today, because of technological developments and global communication, everything has become mixed up and different. A person no longer needs a “second half”; he can easily be concerned only for himself and live alone. As a result of this, we don’t depend upon a partner anymore and already from the age of 11 to 12 children are waiting for the opportunity to escape from under the care of their parents. In addition, we don’t have time to devote enough attention to them, not to mention the fact that they are not involved in running the household as they were before.

Therefore, if in the past the couple supported a shared home together, today we don’t really have anything in common. The modern family is easily “broken” into two parts and each part can get by on its own. Modern laws contribute to this and public opinion doesn’t see anything wrong with the absence of a family. He has a job, a hobby, a life ambition that is primary in his eyes, and a host of temptations, against which the family seems like an unnecessary hindrance.

We see that people change spouses and build a number of families throughout their lives. Studies indicate that a modern person cannot remain within the framework of a family for more than ten or fifteen years. It is no wonder that today changing one’s family is just a matter of time.

And therefore the conditions for family life have changed drastically. But on the other hand, the concept of “family” still remains an inner demand (more pronounced in women and with men subconsciously). People want this, yet they don’t know how to manifest it. They have not been taught what a family is, how to build it, and what is possible to require from it. This is because it is talking about a complex partnership between a man and a woman in which children and parents from both sides also participate.

They don’t teach this in schools, and television shows and jokes are strewn everywhere, often creating a dismissive attitude. Everyone wants to look like a hero, and in our day a “hero” is someone who radiates indifference.

In the end, we don’t know what a family is. We have some kind of dream about this, but there are no true examples from life. When the young look at their parents, they don’t find anything particularly attractive in their shared life; they live in separate “niches,” barely intersect, and apparently they have difficulty finding the time to “create” it, and that is as far as their shared efforts go. Where is the family household? Where is there something in common, mutual support that obliges them to work in order to survive and to continue living together? There is no mutual commitment between them.

Industry and technology, life on the Internet, all these have expanded the borders for us. In the past people lived in the framework of family and work; they were strongly linked by the shared management of the household economy, but suddenly the wide world now comes directly into our homes and we have moved to “vague,” unclear relationships.

It turns out that if people think about family today, they have no education and no example in front of them. They need to clarify anew what a true family is for themselves. So a person will change so that he can gain enough from building family life, we must convey this through special practical courses based upon psychology and encompassing every variety of familial relationship. Nothing can be done here without real educational resources.
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From Kab TV’s “A New Life” 6/09/2013

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Question: In the past, a man and a woman were connected through a shared home and the upbringing of their children. Today what is the measure of their mutual responsibility within the family?

Answer: Today, men and women are completely independent of each other. They are prepared to be married only on condition that they will reach a higher purpose for the sake of which it is appropriate for them to change; and in this way, through mutual help and completion, they reach this level. The family can exist for the sake of this. And for the sake of something else, they cannot.

We are seeing an absolute disintegration of the family; its decline is tremendous. We already see people who don’t want to take the burden of a family upon themselves. People don’t want anything. And if the need for this is awakened, then a person invites what he requires for a home, or he constructs a temporary partnership for a number of weeks or months and leaves after that. Therefore, stable relationships can exist only for the sake of attaining a higher goal. If this goal is important, then it is important to show it from an egoistic aspect so people will aspire to marriage. And if the goal is not important, then they won’t.

Question: What is the degree of my responsibility as a man with regard to my wife, so she will feel that I am truly supporting and helping her to reach the next level?

Answer: It is up to you to understand each other because you will not reach the desired state without the other. The higher goal justifies and obligates you to bear mutual responsibility, and nothing more than this. Why are you living together at all? Why do we need to think about someone or something? Why do we need a family, a wife? This is a serious burden.

It is up to each spouse to feel the importance of the partner, to respect and value the other because they share the desire to attain the higher goal, and this is enough! This is the most correct method of connection, independent of beauty and age. We are mutually faithful to attaining the goal, and this goal is obligatory.

So we create completely different relationships, conversations, different activities, everything is completely different. First try to build a home, a family, while mutually relying on the only thing that obligates you, attaining the next level of existence, the new level or dimension. The family that we are talking about now is an elevator to the next level.

There is nothing better for strengthening the family than a husband, a wife, and between them there is nothing other than the shared, higher power that they discover and create, the shared higher existence, and besides this—nothing. As it is said, (Genesis 2:24) “A man shall leave his father and his mother and adhere to his wife.”
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From Kab TV’s “Through Time” 9/21/13

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Question: What can we say about the role of women in integral workshops, is it destructive or constructive?

Answer: In nature nothing can be destructive and if such a phenomenon is seen, then it is only in the fact that an object has not been complemented by the opposite property to form a unified, complete whole. In nature there is nothing negative! So it is impossible to say that one thing is worse than another.

If we were to look at everything by way of integral glasses with which nature would appear correctly as a unified system, we would not find anything that would be somewhat worse or better, smaller or greater. For in an integral system everything is equally important and necessary to the same degree.

It is impossible to understand the essence of some object or phenomenon without its opposite. Only when you connect them together do you begin to understand that partnership that grows from them. And specifically from that common source (from the third component, the third line) that you begin to attain, you understand why opposing characteristics such as these, like masculine and feminine, and in what manner they attain their level and the internal program, and that their destiny is specifically attaining wholeness through mutual completion.

We must attain a state like this, where we will be a single complete whole, and through attainment of this unity, from within it, the need for separation, wholeness, and so forth is seen. So, let’s reach the goal and from there everything will be clear to us.

In nature there is nothing evil, there is nothing bad, there is no darkness. Everything in the world that seems bad to us is a result of our incorrect view of the general picture of creation.
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From Kab TV’s “Through Time” 9/21/13

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Question: How much can a person speak honestly and openly about his state in an integral learning lesson?

Answer: Only if he wants to find an answer to the question of how to solve a current situation. Suppose I have a serious conflict with my wife; I am not creating this situation, not inflating it intentionally. Truly a situation that is tearing the family apart has occurred and I don’t know what to do. I even get in touch with my instructor and find out if I can present this problem for discussion and clarification.

You don’t have to be embarrassed, because something like this happens in all families. The main thing is that we must leave the workshop with a solution to the given conflict.

Question: At what expense is an integrated solution to the conflict clarified in integral learning sessions?

Answer: Thanks to the gathering of five married couples, together they clarified the problem of each of them. For example, in the first couple there was an age-old problem: “He doesn’t understand me, I don’t understand him.” So let’s get together to decide what should be done, let’s solve how to behave together, without blaming anyone, without supporting anyone, not taking one side or another. We immediately deduce the problem to the next level, an impersonal level, and begin to solve it.

Each couple needs to adapt to the question and penetrate into it, and after working within it, share with everyone their decision because something similar surely happened with them, too. For in principle, couples come to us already with some life experience, having come across familial conflicts.

But they don’t begin the clarification from a materialistic point of view; rather, they raise themselves to the next level, the spiritual level, considering their relationship to the conflict specifically from that level. Why was this problem created? Why doesn’t the couple succeed in staying on the integral level, elevating and encouraging each other? What was missing for them: an environment, reminders, support? And so forth.
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From Kab TV’s “Through Time” 9/21/13

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Question: The cause of clashes and conflicts between married couples is a collision between their egoistic characteristics. How necessary is it that they learn the mechanism of these characteristics in order to understand the reason why they have conflict and to have the ability to rise above them?

Answer: People need to know the mechanism of the interaction of egoistic characteristics, to study it and to control it. Since people are not just performers, they need to create the next state within themselves. Therefore the integral learning is serious study that includes not only education but also training. We tell them about the evolution of the family: Why there is a need for it, why it is dividing into two entities, into two opposing forces, why these objects connect together and how, despite their mutual ego, and so on.

Here we are working on a universal problem in the case of two young people: a boy and a girl. What pushes them towards each other? It’s hormones. But if you approach this sensibly, then certainly a great problem of cosmogony is solved here, an ascent to the next level of all of humanity, by way of a regular familial couple. And this depends only upon their awareness of what can consolidate them together.

They can come to us specifically because at this moment nature prepares all kinds of conflicts in them and we need to give a new meaning to their existence, a new level of meaning. Therefore look at this very seriously, for ultimately they will become the creators of the next level within them. As is said, “A man and a woman, the Shechina between them,” i.e., the next level of nature.

And in continuation, they will be rising all the time. If we establish a standard for them and support them, then the concept of the family will acquire a completely different meaning. When a public opinion is created in society that will unite them in a manner like this, will obligate and support them somewhat, then completely different relationships will appear between people.

What is it that holds them together? First it’s the hormones and after that for a time it’s mutual obligations. Whereas in the integral society that makes it possible for them to attain a higher goal, they will no longer be able to separate. They will begin to look at each other completely differently. Everything will be on an absolutely different level with them: both the shared home, sex, and conversations, everything, because they will begin to get completely different fulfillment.

I would explain all this to them not from the point of view of regular psychology, but from the point of view of egoistic psychology that very simply brings and contracts everything down to one source, the ego, which must be overcome without destroying it, but rather, using it for the needs of elevation to the next level. Regular psychology gives a person a “tranquilizer,” whereas integral education and information give the possibility of using that ego in order to rise above it without annihilating it. In this manner the person can grow spiritually. And when he rises spiritually, he creates a new society, a new community, and a new land.
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From Kab TV’s “Through Time” 9/21/13

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Question: What should the relationship be between the partners in an integral family?

Answer: Relationships in a family are determined by the goal we set in front of us. In the past when people were getting married their goal was a common household and physical love. Whereas, in the integral society they primarily will be looking for a similarity of properties between themselves: Do we really fit for uniting with each other in order to form the most successful unity—a family?

I am sure that people will be looking at one another based on these properties rather than physiological ones. Physical properties will certainly be taken into account as well because our world does not disappear. However, the basis for creating a family will become precisely an opportunity of the inner unity.

There will be a need for thinking about tests, problems, and the possibilities of researching each of the partners. This is very serious work because a family is the smallest and the most desired natural unit of society which focuses on everything: The connection of the material and spiritual worlds.
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From Kab TV’s “Through time,” 9/21/13

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Question: Very often people who come to the morning lesson, study very intensely, have a regular and normal family,  and believe they have no need to be involved with the integral method.

Answer: We are in a state of transition; all this is still being organized; it is in its infancy. In the meantime, a person is not ready to be involved simultaneously in his development, his family, and his work.

While he is locked into some kind of process, for example, in science, a person still cannot feel himself broad enough to be able to be involved with his family as well as the collective family, the whole of humanity.

The time will come when you need it. But if all of a person’s feelings and thoughts are centered first and foremost on the ordinary work necessary for existence, and then on the development of the integral method, he often will not have the energy or time to be involved with this in a family.
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From Kab TV’s “Through Time” 9/21/13

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Question: What is the difference in the work between married couples who are involved with inner spiritual work and those who come to solve their material problems?

Answer: In working with various married couples there is no difference except for a difference in vocabulary. To these and others the same conditions and questions are given, but they are worded differently, nothing more than this.

For example, take a Kabbalistic dictionary, translate it into biblical language, and at once it becomes more understandable. After all, we are talking about the similarity of nature, the merger of all its parts together. And the family is the minimal unit of adherence.

Question: In working with the people outside, we are planning to use articles that you have already processed. We have noticed that when this material is used a completely different atmosphere is created. Why does this work, why is this so important?

Answer: I ask my students to read the sources all the time because from them the Light of correction is derived. The same thing goes for these articles as well. There is some of the Light in them, some kind of illumination. Going out with them in you, you will always feel it works better.
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From Kab TV’s “Through Time” 9/21/13

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Question: Often a state is created in a family where one of the spouses, for example, the wife says: “I cannot stand my husband anymore, I am literally sick of him.” In a case like this, do we need to recommend the couple enter integral education, as this would be better than if they got divorced?

Answer: A stage of disappointment is a natural stage through which all of humanity passes. Therefore it is not necessary to pay attention to it. If we now direct the disappointed couple to a new goal, then they will quietly continue their existence with more correct and close cooperation.

They don’t need to separate at all. The moment one of the spouses sees in the other what he saw before that is beneficial, but spiritually beneficial, then certainly this union will be renewed with new intensity.

Question: How can we explain to people that they should not separate?

Answer: In general, I would not tell them that we insist upon the continued existence of their union at all; rather, I would suggest that they clarify once and for all if they are compatible with each other, whether it is worthwhile for them to divorce or do something else you can check so that both of them realize what is happening and will stop tormenting each other and that the decision is always in their hands. We only conduct a workshop where all of this becomes clear.

That is, instead of their contending for many months, within an hour everything will become clear to them and after the workshop they will go out together in peace, already with completely different thoughts, with another intention; they will no longer intend to divorce.
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From Kab TV’s “Through Time” 9/21/13

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Question: In what way does a family workshop in which five married couples participate differ from a regular workshop composed of ten different individuals ?

Answer: If married couples are in a workshop and not just ten people, then, in general, there is an internal understanding between them, a common theme, for the problem is one that existed in them from the start.

Therefore, when we sit them in circle and begin to clarify the problem that each one of them already has felt since birth or is experiencing, then a completely different workshop is created. On the one hand, we need to be more subtle, but on the other hand, there are opportunities for refinement, to deepen this clarification.

This is completely different work than in a workshop composed of ten people. It is intimate because it is not transmitted to the public as in the regular workshops. I don’t think it’s possible to gather one hundred fifty married couples, for this is against the atmosphere that needs to dwell among them. It is enough to take five couples, to sit them down on couches around a coffee table, as if it were in a living room, and serve coffee, create a relaxed, warm atmosphere, something that takes them to another, more intimate level. This is an excellent place for them to work on cooperation.

It is desirable that the organizers of the workshop also be a married couple.

Question: What questions do you recommend be explored among married couples? What would interest them?

Answer: First, we clarify which requirements they consider essential for a good existence in a family, and after that we move to clarify if they are truly compulsory. Are our demands regarding a partner correct or is this just a whim, some kind of secondary demand? What is truly the most important thing without which a family cannot exist? What should be the foundation of the family unit? What would this be for?

Together with this, we ask them the kind of questions that are intended to bring them to the conclusion that a family is a means for attaining the next higher level, the higher goal of existence. This is why God divided us into two precisely for this, so that, through serious work between us, we would find that singular image in which we will be like Him. As it is written, “And God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created him” (Genesis 1:27). Therefore, we need to find the similarity between us, in other words, that characteristic of bestowal, love, and mutuality in order to become similar to the Creator in this aspect.
[118779]
From Kab TV’s “Through Time” 9/21/13

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