Practical suggestions on education and for solving conflicts between parents and children.
“Education does not create anything new, but rather reveals what is already hidden within a person.” (Rav Kuk, Essays of the Raiah, p. 100)
One can find valuable tips in guidebooks on raising children. A good tip can very often save months or even years of indecision and frustration, and help families out of dead end situations. However, we frequently encounter questions or situations that “catch us unprepared,” and leave us wondering if we are capable of responding appropriately. In such situations, our response typically amounts to a perplexed smile or an obscure hum, covering up our lack of knowledge and great indecision as to what actually is the proper thing to do.
Being aware of children’s developing curiosity and of many parents’ distress, we decided to collect a few practical suggestions in each issue based on the authentic wisdom of Kabbalah, which relate to issues of the soul, to education and to the huge questions of little people. Enjoy!
An Answer to Every Question
Being parents will never be an easy job. In addition to long sleepless hours and concern for children’s support and welfare, we find the most difficult and truly challenging task of all – supplying answers to each question they raise. Surely many of you are familiar with the scenario in which the sweet child opens a pair of huge, curious eyes, innocently looks you straight in the eye, and mercilessly shoots questions relating to the meaning of life and its purpose. In such cases, it doesn’t really matter if you’re a Dr. Spock fan, or a fervent reader of Tracy Hogg (author of the popular best seller, “Baby Whisperer”), you will most probably be left without answers, as the answers to these questions are not found in books.
That is precisely why we have chosen to dedicate the first tip of this section to the question of how to answer those huge questions asked by the little people growing up in our homes. Should we tell them what we think, even if the answer is not so “easy to digest”, or should we evade a confusing answer, and leave them to cope with the question at a future stage in their lives?
Always tell the truth, but be consistently gentle.
“Be direct with the child, direct to the end, otherwise you will not gain his trust, since a child is sensitive to any falseness, as benign as it may be.” (Yanush Korchak).
Above all, realize that children are sensitive by nature. If they detect that anything is being concealed from them, it can disrupt the entire system of mutual trust and respect with their parents. Therefore, if you hold important information or deep insight regarding life, don’t hide it from your children. They are thirsty for that knowledge.
It is always preferable not to hide the truth from children, however, there is no need to burden them with issues they are still emotionally unprepared to handle. Practically speaking, if the truth is not simple, try to simplify and adapt it to the child’s world of imagery, in a gentle and non-threatening way, so as not to pressure them. Remember that every story you tell your children comes to life and becomes real. It is your obligation as parents to be sensitive to the emotional and mental development of your children. Only in accordance with their emotional maturity, will you be able to reveal an additional level of the wisdom of life that you have accumulated over the years.
Therefore, sometimes it is better to wait for the demand for additional knowledge to come from the child himself, so he feels he is not being “pushed” into something he did not even request. His expression of willingness signals you that he is ready to absorb a deeper response. Lend an attentive ear and follow his reaction to the things you tell him, that is how you will be able to ensure that you are not burdening him too much and confusing him.
If you do not know the true answer to questions, don’t be afraid to admit it, but don’t evade your responsibility towards them to search for the answer, together with the children. As Albert Einstein once said, “What is important is to not stop asking questions.”
The Great Rebellion and the Little One as well….
As parents, we tend to give our children quite a lot of advice, but many times, they listen carefully and then proceed to do the complete opposite. For some reason, in most cases, an individual feels the need to do the exact opposite of what was explained to him, and to discover better and more suitable solutions than those that were tried by their parents – to live his own life. Even though it doesn’t always succeed, that aspiration doesn’t seem to escape anyone.
Almost everyone rebelled at some point against his parents. Still, when watching our toddlers grow, one of the things we fear most of all, is that they will do the same.
Where does that aspiration to rebel against the previous generation’s entire legacy stem from? How can we cope with that most efficiently without forcing our opinion and without hindering the child’s development?
Advising through Honesty and Friendship
Kabbalah explains that when an individual is asked to change, naturally he resists, because the aspiration for change did not stem from him, and he does not feel any benefit to be gained by that. The truth is that in most cases he is correct. Why? Because most of the advice we receive from our parents results from the thought patterns they absorbed in their childhood, and suits them – not us. Thus, subconsciously, their advice primarily serves them – not us, therefore it is not acceptable to us.
Likewise, it is important to realize that subconsciously, every parent secretly hopes that his children will continue in his footsteps. Therefore, he inculcates them with his own concepts and values.
In order to create efficient and healthy communication with a child, we need to understand that each new generation has new and different values from our own, ones which do not match our expectations. If we ignore this conflict – between parents’ aspirations and the new level of the child’s development – it will inevitably end in rebellion.
Through the observation of the nature of man, Kabbalists have concluded that the only chance of a child listening to a parent, is if he feels he will benefit from taking the advice. Therefore, it is wise to give advice or an explanation that will provide the child with the feeling that by accepting it, he will personally gain something that is not necessarily connected with the parent. That requires a parent to be honest with himself, and to examine the essence of his advice – he must continually ask himself, “Who is this advice actually serving?”
It is vital for the advice not to appear in the form of “Do’s and Dont’s”, but to cause the child to understand by himself, within himself, what he needs to do. That way, he won’t feel that a certain process is being forced upon his life, but will feel that the idea of change developed independently within him.
Another interesting point that Kabbalists bring up is that within the depths of his heart, each child longs for a true friend. One of his greatest hopes is to discover true friends, even in siblings and in his parents. Deep in his heart, a child is ready for such a relationship with his parents. Therefore, in order to create a true dialog with children, parents need to learn how to become a friend and a big brother. He should try to create mutual trust which is not based on honor or control, but on true friendship and partnership towards the attainment of any common goal, one which is based on unconditional love.
Good Luck!
Question: Irina writes: “I have not become a mother yet, but I really want to be. I see how mothers bring their children to our classes. I am a dancing teacher myself. I see how the kids are cleanly dressed, how their mothers admire them. And then I see the news, how men, still boys, kill each other. And I do not understand why? Why were there all these classes, clean shirts, matinees, and school? Why? How should one educate, love, and warm a person so that he does not want any wars and would not want to kill anyone?”
