Question: In society there are excessively violent, aggressive children, which even hit their parents. Will the integral circle correct them?

Answer: In these cases, it’s necessary to raise the level of education and morality by discussing behavior like this in circles. And a good example is needed.

Let the children talk about love for parents, about softness. Can they compensate their parents for what they gave them in early childhood, remembering how their mother took care of them, how their father was concerned about them? The discussion should also include normal children, and the aggressive ones should listen to them. And then it’s necessary to try very carefully to include them in the conversation so that this will penetrate into them.

But there must be very serious integration, sympathy, and empathy. If aggressive children see that their peers as strong, serious, and healthy as they relate to their parents with love, understanding, sympathy and concern, then they will get a good example from them.
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From KabTV’s “Conversations with Michael Laitman” 12/12/13

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Question: Suppose that parents organize a club for their children where they arrange discussions. But in this group two of the youths are troubled children who are deeply depressed that could infect the others. What should be done about that?

Answer: If the communication between the youths takes place naturally, then it’s necessary for them to relax through soulful songs around a campfire so that they will not be closed within themselves and will begin the conversation from a distance. What can be good for a person in life and what can be bad? Our nature seeks only good. But if we are locked in, eating ourselves up, are we having fun? So why don’t we escape from this?

What is this force that exists in me that puts me into a state of despair, darkness, and emptiness all the time? Could it be that this is the thing that I must struggle with somehow? And if I do struggle, I will discover such forces within me that act in opposition and that will raise me to particular heights in art, literature, science, sports and so forth. So it’s necessary to accept, with a blessing, everything that there is in a person, even the most depressed state that basically pushes a person towards the good, but only when this doesn’t lock the person inside himself like a cocoon.

On the contrary, a state of dissatisfaction pushes us forward, so it’s necessary to make it creative. And this is possible only with the help of the environment, where one person pushes forward and the other pulls backward, and between them a mutual movement appears. They check each other, inspecting the general movement between them etc. In other words, it’s necessary to support depressed children so that their condition can be creative.

Lots of famous writers, composers, and scientists experienced depression, and in order to get out of it, they engaged in creating. This was a cure for them, a salvation. They gave humanity creative gifts of classical masterpieces precisely thanks to their success at rising above their depression and using it in the right way.

How can we creatively use despair, difficulties, disappointments, and depression that are so widespread in the world today that result in neglect and disregard for everything? After all, from these states the next human, social, political, and national condition will be born.

Therefore, it’s forbidden to cast these states to the side and to consider them as something that is not good. On the contrary, it’s necessary to yearn to transform their strong, negative energy into something positive.
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From KabTV’s “Conversations with Michael Laitman” 12/12/13

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Question: Suppose that I brought my child to a group in which seven out of ten children are depressed. Don’t I need to worry that their state will pass on to others?

Answer: No! It’s necessary to try to separate them from themselves immediately. “Friends, come, let’s talk about what is happening with us, from the side. This is me, a human being. And this is my body. Within the body, there are all kinds of forces, moods, and views.

“And what if I would get out of my body and take a look at it from the side, as though I have assembled myself differently? Let’s imagine ourselves in another form, as we rise above ourselves. Is it possible to achieve this?

“Was I created in such a form that I cannot be disengaged from myself? Or does there exist some kind of gap between the inner self and the external self where I can gradually begin to learn about myself from the side?” Regular psychological training like this makes it possible for a person to see that this is not himself but a particular external intention of the environment that surrounds him.

Could it be that the child simply read a lot of novels or saw television programs that awakened a sense of hopelessness? Even 100 to 150 years ago something called noble detachment was in fashion: “a hero of our times,” and so forth. In world literature, particularly in Russian literature, many books were dedicated to a search derived from inner darkness.

And it could be that he simply brags and boasts about this state, showing: “Look how I am! What attracts you doesn’t interest me!” So it’s necessary to check the origins from where depression in children is derived.
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From KabTV’s “Conversations with Michael Laitman” 12/12/13

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Question: How does one deal with a child’s suicidal tendencies?

Answer: Suicidal tendencies in children are treated only with a good collective. Without a collective there will be more and more isolation of the child, and he will go inward since this is all psychological: Life seems unnecessary, everything collapses, and there is just hopelessness around him.

From this to a state of happiness, all that is needed is just one small twist. But who will do it? That is the problem. I am sure that it is only the collective that is able to do this. It’s very important to develop some kind of hobbies for the child. When I was a child, my parents constantly gave me all kinds of extra-curricular activities.

First, they bought me a good camera with a zoom lens and gave me money for film developers and fixers. I was very interested in this. Before that, they presented me with a bike, and with friends, I would often take cycling trips outside of the city. Afterward, there was table tennis and then athletics where I won first place. They constantly engaged me into various activities. Also, I was never alone, but was at least with one or two other friends.

I think it is necessary to do this. A child should not sit at home. Besides being at school, he needs another circle of friends. If something fails at school, then the child will succeed in another place. Let’s suppose at a dance class or at volley ball.

The best thing is some kind of group sport. When you go into competition, “one on one,” like running different distances, this isn’t so good. Tennis and other group sports are much more effective. It’s essential to involve the child in something.

You can even agree with other families to come together to organize activities for children in a circle of ten to fifteen children and hire instructors that will help with it. For a reasonable fee, you can organize a very good activity.
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From KabTV’s “Conversations with Michael Laitman” 12/11/13

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Question: How can we realize that the youth are ready to perceive serious issues and that we can move on from role play to actual debates?

Answer: Essentially, every game has to be followed by discussion or the discussions themselves should be held in the form of a game.

It is impossible to do it any other way since we constantly play games. When I try to find my image, I see that I actually don’t have it. I am actually thrown from one extreme state to another. So where is the nicest image that I can take on and be dressed in? I have to find that in discussions.

A person doesn’t really exist by himself. We are a product of our society and are born shapeless and formatted under the influence of our parents, kindergarten, school, the media, etc. The environment has turned us into whatever it wanted to, like dough.

Now we want to clarify all that: what has it done with me, which attributes and desires I have, is there something that is actually mine in me? This is actually the state I have to reach, in which I will see that there is nothing in me that is mine.

Later, we have to show children that the best attribute is kindness and that it can open up everything for them. If we use it correctly, it is a very powerful weapon. It makes us strong and gives us a feeling of confidence, and is helpful to man and to society. But this is revealed gradually in the discussions.

Then comes the stage of the clarification of what this attribute means: kindness, good mutual relations, and a good connection.
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From KabTV’s “Conversations with Michael Laitman” 12/12/13

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Question: If a child is angry and irritable what flaw in the parents does it indicate? What does the child lack that they should give him? Does he lack their attention?

Answer: Parents should not search for the source of a teenager’s anger. A child has his own inner inquiries but still doesn’t understand what they are exactly yet. He cannot clarify them by himself, yet and he feels bad about not finding a solution for them.

At this age it is natural since his whole life is still ahead of him, the world is confusing and he feels the pressure of his peers and of the environment. On the other hand, he goes through different inner changes. Here there is a need for the right formula of communicating with the teenager.

It is a good idea to make an effort to relieve the pressure of complicated states that children find themselves in by an outing or through sports. If possible, they should be taken away from the city for a couple of months, but the best thing is to engage them in sports, since it is energy, it is development, it is communication.

Question: I remember when I was a teenager. When conflict arose between my parents, I always felt worried about whether they would make up. What should parents do in such cases? Do they have to work together to resolve the rift in the relationship or should they immediately come out with it and try to overcome the crisis together with the children?

Answer: Parents should not try to conceal that some differences exist. They should try to explain everything to the child and solve their problems, but still, they don’t have to tell the kids everything.

After all, there are many problems between adults and a child does not need to know about all of them. He cannot perceive and digest all the conflicts adults have and all the more so if the conflicts are between his parents. We have to protect the child’s psyche. Parents will always have conflicts that it is better for kids not to know about.
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From KabTV’s “Conversations with Michael Laitman” 12/11/13

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Question: Often, people who live together for a long time actually don’t know each other. In the Integral method there is an exercise called “acquaintanceship,” when spouses begin to get to know each other again: The woman says how she sees her husband, and he says how he sees himself, and so on. When they compare this, they understand that they don’t know each other. Can such an exercise be used with a teenager?

Answer: This is a very practical and beneficial exercise, but it should be used gradually because it is very difficult for a person to exit himself and begin to perceive the world through another, especially the opposite of him. It is even more difficult for a child to engage in this process, because he always sees the parents communicating with each other on a purely domestic basis. Therefore, it is best not to join him in integral interactions when the parents discuss some common problems.

I know this on my own. My parents were doctors: my mother a gynecologist and my father a dentist. They often talked about professional issues. My mother engaged in research in her field and told my father about it, and I overheard.

As a boy, I was interested in the sexual and gynecological problems. Later, I would ask my mother questions on these topics, and she explained everything carefully. Later, this gave me a lot.

In such a way a child is shaped under the influence of those conversations and discussions that take place between the parents. The thing is not only in that he integrates in the professions of the parents, but he also integrates in the technology of communication between them.

Question: How should the parents act if during the discussions on family problems they see that the child eavesdrops on them?

Answer: Let him eavesdrop. Afterward, you can call him and explain what you talked about. By this you teach him about proper mutual cooperation, and later he will build his family in an identical way. We know on ourselves how much the stereotypes that we got from our parents influence on us: by seeing how they communicated between them, discussed all sorts of life situations, argued, and agreed with each other. All this accumulates and becomes a part of us.

You can intentionally wait for the child to return from school and deliberately start a conversation about some topic, discussing it in a nice way without fighting, attempting to find a common solution. Suppose you are talking in the kitchen, and he walks around listening to your conversation. You can even ask his opinion, pulling him casually into the discussion. And then gradually he will begin to express his desire to participate in the family discussions.
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From KabTV’s “Conversations with Michael Laitman” 12/11/13

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Question: Part of the connection workshops that we have done were dedicated to clarification of the difference between the sexes. First the women talked about how they see the men and how they see themselves.

Then the men expressed how they see themselves and how they see the women. This picture was compared, and it was surprising to see how different we are.

After that both the men and the women seemingly gathered all of their characteristics into a few “baskets,” and began to think about how to fulfill these qualities of the other sex: What do they want and what could they give to each other? Is it worthwhile to use an exercise like this as a game in family circles with adolescents?

Answer: This is very difficult, because here it is necessary to gradually become detached from yourself, to begin to think with the head of another person, to live in his desires, to enter into him. It follows that the abilities are mine and the desires are his, as if I live with my body but with his desires, in that we complete them and he completes mine. Here we go out to another level of cooperation, to absolute bestowal.

This is integration with each other. This is really true love: not physical, not platonic, not sexual, but precisely true integration with each other. It is doubtful that this exercise is appropriate for the family because in it the gender differences are blurred and appear differently. If we arrange this game for a circle of adolescents, then this must only be in a very advanced group.

To begin with, I would insert a discussion among the adolescents in the form of a courthouse, where a person would look at himself from the side, discussing the others not from his point of view but from the side of the other, as an arbitrator. That is how they would learn to be flexible, to discuss not only themselves but also others. This is what you need to teach them.
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From KabTV’s “Conversations with Michael Laitman” 12/11/13

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In the News (from Salon): “School is a place where children are compelled to be, and where their freedom is greatly restricted — far more restricted than most adults would tolerate in their workplaces. In recent decades, we have been compelling our children to spend ever more time in this kind of setting, and there is strong evidence (summarized in my recent book) that this is causing serious psychological damage to many of them. Moreover, the more scientists have learned about how children naturally learn, the more we have come to realize that children learn most deeply and fully, and with greatest enthusiasm, in conditions that are almost opposite to those of school. …

“Most students — whether A students, C students, or failing ones — have lost their zest for learning by the time they reach middle school or high school. In a recent research study, Mihaly Czikszentmihalyl and Jeremy Hunter fitted more than 800 sixth- through 12th-graders, from 33 different schools across the country, with special wristwatches that provided a signal at random times of day. Whenever the signal appeared, they were to fill out a questionnaire indicating where they were, what they were doing, and how happy or unhappy they were at the moment. The lowest levels of happiness, by far, occurred when they were in school and the highest levels occurred when they were out of school playing or talking with friends. In school, they were often bored, anxious or both. Other researchers have shown that, with each successive grade, students develop increasingly negative attitudes toward the subjects taught, especially math and science. …

“When schools were taken over by the state and made compulsory, and directed toward secular ends, the basic structure and methods of schooling remained unchanged. Subsequent attempts at reform have failed because, though they have tinkered some with the structure, they haven’t altered the basic blueprint. The top-down, teach-and-test method, in which learning is motivated by a system of rewards and punishments rather than by curiosity or by any real, felt desire to know, is well designed for indoctrination and obedience training but not much else. …

“As a society, we tend to shrug off such findings. We’re not surprised that learning is unpleasant. We think of it as bad-tasting medicine, tough to swallow but good for children in the long run. Some people even think that the very unpleasantness of school is good for children, so they will learn to tolerate unpleasantness, because life after school is unpleasant. Perhaps this sad view of life derives from schooling. Of course, life has its ups and downs, in adulthood and in childhood. But there are plenty of opportunities to learn to tolerate unpleasantness without adding unpleasant schooling to the mix. Research has shown that people of all ages learn best when they are self-motivated, pursuing questions that are their own real questions, and goals that are their own real-life goals. In such conditions, learning is usually joyful.

“…the natural drives and abilities of young people to learn are fully sufficient to motivate their entire education. When they want or need help from others, they ask for it. We don’t have to force people to learn; all we need to do is provide them the freedom and opportunities to do so. Of course, not everyone is going to learn the same things, in the same way, or at the same time. But that’s a good thing. Our society thrives on diversity. Our culture needs people with many different kinds of skills, interests and personalities. Most of all, we need people who are pursuing life with passion and who take responsibility for themselves throughout life. These are the common denominators of people who have taken charge of their own education.”

My Comment: School still looks like an institution established for the production of human performers that were needed in times of Charlie Chaplin. It was necessary to change schooling a long time ago, but even those who advocate a new education system have no consensus. The problem is that no one understands the structure of the new world: integrated, unified, interconnected, to which people should be adapted to integrally enter the structure of the world. A person can be changed only through the method of integral education.
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Question: Suppose that some entrepreneurs, thanks to supporting each other, reach a conclusion about the necessity of mutual, integral cooperation and decide to change direction. What strategic changes can they make if they know this?

Answer: The problem is that entrepreneurs exist in an egoistic society as a cancerous tumor and are part of it. Therefore it is difficult to imagine that they would somehow begin to change that business culture in which they reside. This is possible only if the numbers are large and if they gradually become aware of the necessary changes that must take place in them and in the connection between them.

This reform is possible to realize in a country, a closed system, but only if this country can reach an integral form consciously by building the right connections between all strata of the population: between the upper, middle, and lower classes. But if we just explain to some small businessman how to reorganize his business according to the current trend of the changing world, then it is doubtful that it is possible.

This is because he is locked in a system of competition and corruption, where everyone preys on each other, a rigid system. In order to place his small business on a new path, to produce the most essential product and sell his products at a price that is sufficient only for his existence and nothing more, he would be like a small fish living among sharks that would devour him immediately. He would not survive such a hostile environment.
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From Kab TV’s “Through the Time” 9/16/13

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