Question: Part of the connection workshops that we have done were dedicated to clarification of the difference between the sexes. First the women talked about how they see the men and how they see themselves.

Then the men expressed how they see themselves and how they see the women. This picture was compared, and it was surprising to see how different we are.

After that both the men and the women seemingly gathered all of their characteristics into a few “baskets,” and began to think about how to fulfill these qualities of the other sex: What do they want and what could they give to each other? Is it worthwhile to use an exercise like this as a game in family circles with adolescents?

Answer: This is very difficult, because here it is necessary to gradually become detached from yourself, to begin to think with the head of another person, to live in his desires, to enter into him. It follows that the abilities are mine and the desires are his, as if I live with my body but with his desires, in that we complete them and he completes mine. Here we go out to another level of cooperation, to absolute bestowal.

This is integration with each other. This is really true love: not physical, not platonic, not sexual, but precisely true integration with each other. It is doubtful that this exercise is appropriate for the family because in it the gender differences are blurred and appear differently. If we arrange this game for a circle of adolescents, then this must only be in a very advanced group.

To begin with, I would insert a discussion among the adolescents in the form of a courthouse, where a person would look at himself from the side, discussing the others not from his point of view but from the side of the other, as an arbitrator. That is how they would learn to be flexible, to discuss not only themselves but also others. This is what you need to teach them.
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From KabTV’s “Conversations with Michael Laitman” 12/11/13

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Question: In the wisdom of connection there is an exercise called, “Mirror.” Each one sees his own defects in a partner. Suppose that parents have trained in this and now want to include their child in the shared field. With this they see some shortcoming in him; they understand that this is their own shortcoming. Do partners need to work on this?

Answer: Before they include a child in exercises of this type, it’s necessary to explain the psychology of a person to him. For example, let him read a book in which they describe the psychological training that makes it possible to understand who he is and how he perceives the world.

You don’t even teach the child, rather simply want him to understand how limited people are,how much they don’t see and don’t feel their environment, how much they deceive themselves. You explain to a child that by being familiar with himself, he will better understand the surrounding world, society, and his friends; it will be easier for him to connect with them.

This means that first of all it’s necessary to bribe the ego. Just as they give a sugar cube to a circus bear and he performs a task, so also here, you always need to think about some kind of “candy” you will give a child so that he will be interested. With such difficult exercises, children need to be involved children gradually. Certainly it’s difficult for them to overcome their original ego, but then they are drawn into it.

We must be very careful so that the child will not go far in his thoughts and imagination and won’t start imagining that the world is completely reversed, like in a mirror, in that he thinks that you are his reflection. This is because the psychology of children is not yet stabilized, and sometimes this can be damaging and painful.

Therefore here it is necessary to behave according to the inclinations of the child. There are technical people who have great difficulty in understanding this because they basically have a mechanical perception of the world. And there are those, who have an affinity for quantum illusions and uncertainty. So it’s necessary to take into account all the aspects of the child’s character.
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From Kab TV’s “Conversations with Michael Laitman” 12/11/13

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Question: Suppose that a lazy child grew up in our family. What does this indicate about the parents? What is the shortcoming or defect?

Answer: First of all, this indicates that the child has no motivation to move. He has no greatness of a goal that would make it worthwhile for him to get up, detach from his favorite computer he is sucked to, and to begin to get involved with something else.

Question: So is this is a shortcoming of the parent who didn’t develop other areas of interest in him?

Answer: Perhaps it is a mistake of the parents, and it could be that life itself doesn’t obligate the child to be involved in something else. Everything comes to him easily, both in school and at home.

In a case like this, it is necessary to behave according to a peg pulls another peg. So if he is lazy, you shouldn’t to force hobbies or other activities on him that compel him to run or do something with his hands; rather, give him to opportunity to progress specifically along his own route. He will sit behind that computer or with that tablet, but he will do something creative. Therefore it is said: (Proverbs 22:6), “Train a child according to his way.”

Incidentally, laziness is inherent in every person from the start. But there are people whose inner psychology is directed towards attaining everything without investing physical energy. From the side it seems to us that he is lazy, but essentially he is simply trying to solve his problems this way.

I don’t see anything bad in this. If people were to do fewer activities that are useless, it would be much better. Basically they carry out useless and even harmful work. So laziness is a very useful characteristic. It is only necessary to direct it in the right way.
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From KabTV’s “Conversations with Michael Laitman” 12/11/13

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 Question: There is a reception where people appreciate our investment in others, our helping someone, and being loved for that.  Is it worthwhile to use this as a technique in the family so that the children will invest in the family more, in the mother and in the father, so that they will value them more, or doesn’t this work with adolescents?

Answer: This doesn’t work because a young person should be directed forward in his life, in his future family, his future children, but not in his parents.

Don’t obstruct the children, don’t pull them back; they will not develop. People like these, in general, are so deeply into their parents that they won’t live their lives without their mother, and as long as she is alive, the child lives with them. They may be fifty years old already and still living with their mother.

You cannot do this. This is a very big ego. On the contrary, you need to educate and develop independence in children.
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From KabTV’s “Conversations with Michael Laitman” 12/11/13

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Question: In the wisdom of connection there is an exercise called “the ideal husband.” Is it worthwhile to change this into a game where each of the members of the family describes the others to himself as ideal?

Answer: Certainly; this is very interesting. But, at the same time, we must always leave some kind of delta (incremental change) that, in the meantime, we are far from being the ideal; rather, we only agree about an ideal relationship between us; we want to reach it, so we are drawn towards it somewhat.

This standard is, in fact, unattainable because all of us are human and everyone has his own ego. But we need to yearn to rise above ourselves as much as possible, to connect together, to value this state and consider it as the ideal.

Such a state must become a shared general familial standard. If we play with this correctly with the children, they will be much happier than we are because we come to this in the second half of our lives.

Question: There is a similar game called “Joy of Concession.” Indeed it is difficult for us to concede something to each other, but this is easy in the form of a game. Suppose a daughter says, “I’ll be back from the party at 11 o’clock.”  The father says, “At 10.” “Well Dad,” says the daughter,”Let’s play ‘Joy of Concession.’ Lost! At 11.” And he concedes. Is the game useful like this?

Answer: Only if this is mutual and to a certain degree of reasonableness. First of all, the child doesn’t need to manipulate with this. Second, he must understand that with this he is entering into the trust of others, inviting them to trust him, he must take all of this into account.

In other words, the parents give the child their trust, but together with this, the child should accordingly carry out what they require of him. Suppose that they let their daughter come home at eleven o’clock at night, but this is on condition that someone will accompany her or meet her. They must demand that she be responsible for what she does.
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From KabTV’s “Conversations with Michael Laitman” 12/11/13

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Question: Today adolescent youths often suffer from depression; there is no incentive in life, a lack of energy. How does one cope with this problem in the family?

Answer: The fact is that this is an unconscious problem. And it is not because the adolescent suffers from unrequited love or problems at school. In general what concerns him is the interaction with his peers and not the school itself, which for him is no more than a place for competition, who is better and who is stronger.

So parents must try to change their home into a club so that their child’s friends can freely come so that the children won’t feel that parents are some kind of hindrance. Good and pleasant communication is the main factor that prevents the appearance of depression among children. This is desirable and useful both from a psychological point of view and from a materialistic point of view. It is preferable to allow them to communicate in your territory than in dubious places (like bars, various clubs, and so forth).

Question: In the integral method there is a very interesting exercise. Suppose that there is depression or a bad mood with one of the members of a couple, and the other is happy and cheerful. In order to take the partner out of the depression, he needs to enter into the other’s state, to look at the world with the same eyes, to be integrated with the spouse, and then together with him or her, gradually come out of this state. Is it possible to use this exercise with an adolescent?

Answer: It is very difficult to use this with adolescents. I don’t think that this is possible at all. This is an offensive assault. Even if you show that you are ready for any approach, with this, on the contrary, you are inviting arrogance and opposition in him: “I don’t want to!” You must understand the psychology of adolescents. A result like this is also typical of adults who immediately begin to be more arrogant and boastful.

So it is best to interest the child in what attracts him more: sports, dances, and so forth. At this age physical movements throw all kinds of garbage out of the body and the head. It is good if there is a small trampoline in the house that the child can jump on. This will shake all the nonsense out of him.

In the evenings it is possible to organize dances at home, gatherings with his friends, and in general to do something active.
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From KabTV’s “Conversations with Michael Laitman” 12/11/13

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Question: Suppose a married couple is actively involved with integral interaction, the wisdom of connection, and they want to include their child. How do they do this?

Answer: It is easiest to add a child into the process through a game. He can play a judge who asks his parents questions, while you try to solve them specifically through integral interaction. You can show him how to solve different situations in life, and he will learn from this.

We must put the child in a situation where his ego will motivate him all the time: “I am an arbitrator asking questions between my father and mother, and they must immediately solve and answer them.” This means that you raise the child to your level since integral interaction can only occur between equals.

By being included with them, he will ultimately feel that he is equal to you in responsibility, reciprocity, and the considerations of adults.

Question: Suppose a father of a family has a dilemma at work: whether to quit and look for a new job or to stay. Can the parents invite their child to a family discussion and discuss the situation together with him?

Answer: Certainly. But you need to do this with great care, gradually, so that the child will not leap to conceit thinking he can decide about all questions in life.

Question: At what age could a child participate in family discussions?

Answer: This depends on the family we are discussing. In one family it would be possible to involve the child even at the age of eight or nine, and in another family only from the age of twenty. But if it is clear to him that the relationships of his parents are based on mutual trust, mutual support, then he will gradually begin to be integrated into this, not actively himself, but seemingly from the side.

After all, in every case, integral interaction, the wisdom of connection, influences him even if he doesn’t know a thing but simply sees his parents looking at interesting websites, reading books, and having discussions about this between them. Without a doubt he will absorb all of this, and then it will be possible to gradually draw him into this.
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From KabTV’s “Talks with Dr. Michael Laitman” 12/11/13

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Opinion (Olga N. Pavlova, psychoanalyst, philosopher, Head of the Department of General and Applied Psychology of the Moscow Institute of Analytical Psychology and Psychoanalysis): “The millennial generation does not like responsibility; they are not erudite, they much prefer to use existing schemes, regulations, and guidelines; they do not like to make decisions.

“But they have many positive qualities; they are called the first generation of non-rebellious, who support an active friendship with their parents, from whom they do not tend to separate because they are dependent on mothers and fathers; they are not aggressive, careful, agreeable, smiling; they have no problems, they desire a comfortable life and security; they like a variety of games in the pursuit of pleasure, which produces an entire industry of gaming business for them.

“Sex becomes a kind of game, a prank without consequences, as modern medicine takes care of it; they want to have a family and children, but do not make a single step in that direction.

“Any work should be interesting for them; men travel a lot, are pleased to announce this to the world via social networks, to keep in touch and maintain admiration, which they need much of due to their narcissism.

“Thus, the young man runs around the world in search of himself on one hand and on the other hand – from himself. He replaces a proper understanding of himself with a PR campaign of himself and written responses online. Many of them are interested in any esoteric and pseudo-scientific information because they see themselves as mysterious. In general, they cause sympathy and are similar to those with Downs syndrome.

“It is impossible to correct their problems because they do not want to study or work and just want to hang around in social networks, they do not see their problems and ask to leave them alone. We cannot talk about any civic activity. This generation is outside the state policy.

“The real solution to the impasse is to take care of children’s education, to nurture independence in the growing child. It is very useful to separate children for independent living.”

My Comment: This generation is different; it was born to create a new single society for mutual unity above borders; it lacks the direction of development. Therefore, they are not willing to take the baton from their parents. Their entire internal structure corresponds to the new conditions in which our new world must exist, rising to its next degree: to a transition to the spiritual world.
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Question: Does love awaken automatically when we attain the fear of God?

Answer: We should constantly work on love. The levels by which we approach the goal of creation are called the four phases of love. It says, “love thy friend as thyself.” It doesn’t say that you should fear your friend first and then feel that you love him.

“Love thy friend” means that we always advance towards unity, whereas fear doesn’t lead to unity. We are always attracted to connection and love, and so we are in the process of attaining its four phases.

We speak about the proper attitude towards the Creator, towards the upper system, which responds to us thus helping us start our mutual work with the Creator, and not about corporeal fear that the Creator should give us health, money, success, and a happy life in this world and in the next world. It is only about acquiring the force of love and bestowal. Fear constantly leads to that; it is the fear of not attaining love.

If I already attain a certain level of love, I fear that I might lose it and not advance and not reach an even greater love. We must always yearn for love on the part of mercy and not on the part of Din (judgment).
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From the Preparation to the Daily Kabbalah Lesson 3/14/14

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Question: If we are the ones who correct the shortcomings of the wider public, including them in our desires and elevating them, then what is left for the rest of humanity to do?

Answer: Obviously we don’t resolve the work for them.

Question: Is this saying that they will also pass through the same states on the way to connection?

Answer: They must pass through those same states through which we pass, but on the smallest scale.

Suppose that for fifty years I developed and built a computer. Eventually I brought it home and turned it on. But the moment that I turned around, my grandson immediately sat in front of the screen and began to press the keys of the keyboard. I am fundamentally a person who is used to the right approach, carefully learning the instruction manuals, and he throws them up in the air: “Grandpa, everything is very simple here! I will just try a few things and then I will explain everything to you.”

He learns instinctively, interactively, feels within himself, and easily guesses how we get the result. Apparently the computer is built for the way he thinks and not the way I do. For me this computer was produced from suffering and effort and my grandson doesn’t need to make the effort; instead he grasps everything naturally. In other words, I made a great correction so that my grandson would get everything ready-made. And now he can work more efficiently than I can on the device that I built.

Lurking here are two opposites, two levels. We carry out greater and more difficult work, and apparently others only reap the fruit and rise more easily to the level of their generation.

For them everything will be much simpler, natural. We invest years in order to attain some kind of result, in order to find the form of the workshops that will raise new questions, and they will immediately get it and understand that certainly this is what should be done. Following the trouble that we take now, sweating and being in doubt, with them the complete picture will be immediately managed in their heads.

Question: If this is the case, is it necessary for the whole world to participate in at least one workshop and then everything will begin to be arranged by itself, or must we direct people again and again?

Answer: They will get feelings and intelligence “automatically”, regardless of the forms that this process will take.

In general, in the way of spiritual advancement, every level is the opposite of its predecessor; therefore, it is impossible to speculate, to assess a particular state based on another state. In my estimation people feeling that connection in the form of the workshops makes it possible for them to solve all problems in life. And so they will themselves seek and adopt the method through the Internet, television, and so forth without much talk, like children who don’t need instructions to operate a computer. And the current fashion is transient.

Question: So it could be that it is up to us to bring into public awareness an expansion of the information touching upon the new method as quickly as possible?

Answer: No. If we ourselves don’t make more of an effort, other people will also remain “outside of the business.” The grandson is smart because his grandfather and father took the trouble throughout their lives, they “gained” his new mind, new understanding.

It is up to us to make an effort to a particular level and then suddenly there will be a breakthrough, and a buyer will be found for our “merchandise.”
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From the 4^th part of the Daily Kabbalah Lesson 2/18/14, Writings of Baal HaSulam

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