Question: My child is influenced by the environment: classmates, outside, friends, Facebook, and so on influence my child. And I have no way of protecting him from the negative influence of these environments.

There remains only one way out: organizing a reference group. This is a group of children whose opinion is important to my child, and they can direct him back on track. How many people should be in this group?

Answer: Preferably 10-15 children, otherwise the group is not felt. A group is what surrounds me, and the environment is something greater than that quantity that I can count on my fingers. Meaning, it is something more powerful.

Usually we find ourselves in a group of ten people, and in a group of five people we feel most comfortable, it is pleasant not only to talk to each other, but also to just sit quietly. But such a group is good when there is a certain closed intimate atmosphere, suppose in a pub around a separate table or in a big collective that is divided into many groups.

If we will take children out in nature, it is better in a big group so that an atmosphere of surroundings will be felt. Otherwise, a child will feel lonely, because he has gotten used to being enclosed in a big city, and it isn’t this way in nature.

Therefore, to fill some imperfections, the lack of the sense of security, that they have in a city (people, homes, adults, police, etc.), there must be a company with more people.

A modern child is quite remote from nature and in order for him to feel comfortable outside the city he needs surroundings that will arrange some type of life: a campfire, food, music, someone fishing, someone gathering firewood, etc.

Besides that, as the mass of the collective is greater (to a certain limit), the more strongly it internally, psychologically, and subconsciously influences each one. Therefore, it is preferable that not less than ten to twenty people will go on an excursion outside the city.

A group that works successfully within can include hundreds. For example, when our central group goes out to nature, then several hundreds of people gather, including adults and children. Along with that, no external pressure is felt, on the contrary, clear mutual cooperation and the feeling of security and comfort is felt, precisely thanks to the amount of people.
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From Kab TV’s “Conversations with Michael Laitman” 12/12/13

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In the News (from Scientific American Blog): “Childrens’ literature and movies are rife with talking mice and ducks who wear clothes (even if they’re occasionally portrayed without pants) and dogs that range from, well, dogs, to dogs that might as well be people.

“Stories are one of the main ways that our species understands the natural world. Giving human attributes to animals is by no means a recent phenomenon; ancient gods were often hybridized human-like animals (or animal-like humans). In the classic story illustrated above by Arthur Rackham, three bears sit at a table and eat porridge, like humans.

“Given how ubiquitous these anthropomorphic animal-people are in our culture, University of Toronto psychologist Patricia A. Ganea wondered how those sorts of representations influence the way that young children think about real animals.

“Young children already have a hard time distinguishing reality from fantasy, especially before they reach their fifth birthday. And while most children can distinguish reality from fantasy when it comes to visual representations of animals, that distortion can also be reflected in the content of the story itself. ‘Human consciousness, knowledge, abilities, purpose, and intentions are often attributed to animal characters (e.g., seals solve mysteries, cats build houses, and mice drive cars) and even to inanimate objects (e.g., lamps have faces and dance the tango, trains strive against all odds to achieve impossible goals),’ Ganea writes.

“Together, the findings show that language matters more than illustration when it comes to learning about animals’ biology and psychology. Even when the stories were accompanied by realistic images, if the language was anthropomorphic, the kids transferred that false knowledge to real animals.

“More importantly, it isn’t just that the kids failed to learn true facts when exposed to the anthropomorphic stories; those stories actually made it harder for them to learn, teaching them falsehoods rather than facts. They were even more likely to think of animals in human-like terms after reading the books than if they had never seen the books at all!

“Do children transfer the fantastical abilities of non-human animals in their storybooks to their real life models? If so, then those sorts of stories could seriously impede kids’ ability to learn and remember true facts about real animals, or at least to distinguish fact from fiction. That would be especially true for children in urban and suburban areas, who have few opportunities to regularly interact with actual animals, at least compared to their rural counterparts. ‘Presenting animals to children in ways that are similar to how humans act and behave is likely to be counter-productive for learning scientifically accurate information about the biological world and to influence children’s view of the biological world,’ she says.

“The problem is actually more pervasive than it sounds: human adults, at least in the US, are also highly likely to imbue non-human animals with human-like emotions and motivations. It’s a tricky line to navigate. Research is increasingly revealing the fundamental similarities between our species and the rest of the animal kingdom, but there are also aspects of human culture that are, indeed, unique to our species. Is it reasonable to suggest that an animal can feel something complex like pride or embarrassment? We are poised to attribute a similarly complex emotion, guilt, to dogs, but a deeper look reveals that while dogs indeed have a ‘guilty look,’ they probably do not actually realize that they’ve transgressed. If children are routinely exposed to these sorts of anthropomorphic representations of animals, it is no wonder that they grow up to become adults who look at non-human animals as if they are people wearing animal suits.”

My Comment: By the way, in Judaism there are no tales of human-like animals, and if the Torah speaks about a talking donkey, it happens at God’s command. Kabbalah in general looks at the texts of the Torah as secret, the meaning of which is revealed only to one who has attained love of friends.
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Question: In society there are excessively violent, aggressive children, which even hit their parents. Will the integral circle correct them?

Answer: In these cases, it’s necessary to raise the level of education and morality by discussing behavior like this in circles. And a good example is needed.

Let the children talk about love for parents, about softness. Can they compensate their parents for what they gave them in early childhood, remembering how their mother took care of them, how their father was concerned about them? The discussion should also include normal children, and the aggressive ones should listen to them. And then it’s necessary to try very carefully to include them in the conversation so that this will penetrate into them.

But there must be very serious integration, sympathy, and empathy. If aggressive children see that their peers as strong, serious, and healthy as they relate to their parents with love, understanding, sympathy and concern, then they will get a good example from them.
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From KabTV’s “Conversations with Michael Laitman” 12/12/13

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Question: Suppose that parents organize a club for their children where they arrange discussions. But in this group two of the youths are troubled children who are deeply depressed that could infect the others. What should be done about that?

Answer: If the communication between the youths takes place naturally, then it’s necessary for them to relax through soulful songs around a campfire so that they will not be closed within themselves and will begin the conversation from a distance. What can be good for a person in life and what can be bad? Our nature seeks only good. But if we are locked in, eating ourselves up, are we having fun? So why don’t we escape from this?

What is this force that exists in me that puts me into a state of despair, darkness, and emptiness all the time? Could it be that this is the thing that I must struggle with somehow? And if I do struggle, I will discover such forces within me that act in opposition and that will raise me to particular heights in art, literature, science, sports and so forth. So it’s necessary to accept, with a blessing, everything that there is in a person, even the most depressed state that basically pushes a person towards the good, but only when this doesn’t lock the person inside himself like a cocoon.

On the contrary, a state of dissatisfaction pushes us forward, so it’s necessary to make it creative. And this is possible only with the help of the environment, where one person pushes forward and the other pulls backward, and between them a mutual movement appears. They check each other, inspecting the general movement between them etc. In other words, it’s necessary to support depressed children so that their condition can be creative.

Lots of famous writers, composers, and scientists experienced depression, and in order to get out of it, they engaged in creating. This was a cure for them, a salvation. They gave humanity creative gifts of classical masterpieces precisely thanks to their success at rising above their depression and using it in the right way.

How can we creatively use despair, difficulties, disappointments, and depression that are so widespread in the world today that result in neglect and disregard for everything? After all, from these states the next human, social, political, and national condition will be born.

Therefore, it’s forbidden to cast these states to the side and to consider them as something that is not good. On the contrary, it’s necessary to yearn to transform their strong, negative energy into something positive.
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From KabTV’s “Conversations with Michael Laitman” 12/12/13

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Question: Suppose that I brought my child to a group in which seven out of ten children are depressed. Don’t I need to worry that their state will pass on to others?

Answer: No! It’s necessary to try to separate them from themselves immediately. “Friends, come, let’s talk about what is happening with us, from the side. This is me, a human being. And this is my body. Within the body, there are all kinds of forces, moods, and views.

“And what if I would get out of my body and take a look at it from the side, as though I have assembled myself differently? Let’s imagine ourselves in another form, as we rise above ourselves. Is it possible to achieve this?

“Was I created in such a form that I cannot be disengaged from myself? Or does there exist some kind of gap between the inner self and the external self where I can gradually begin to learn about myself from the side?” Regular psychological training like this makes it possible for a person to see that this is not himself but a particular external intention of the environment that surrounds him.

Could it be that the child simply read a lot of novels or saw television programs that awakened a sense of hopelessness? Even 100 to 150 years ago something called noble detachment was in fashion: “a hero of our times,” and so forth. In world literature, particularly in Russian literature, many books were dedicated to a search derived from inner darkness.

And it could be that he simply brags and boasts about this state, showing: “Look how I am! What attracts you doesn’t interest me!” So it’s necessary to check the origins from where depression in children is derived.
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From KabTV’s “Conversations with Michael Laitman” 12/12/13

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Question: What is a bad environment?

Answer: A bad environment brings me to not wanting to be connected with everyone with good ties. A bad environment is an environment that molds a hostile relationship towards society.

A good environment directs me such that I want to fundamentally change the worst society into a society of brothers.
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From Kab TV’s “Conversations with Michael Laitman” 12/12/13

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Question: How does one deal with a child’s suicidal tendencies?

Answer: Suicidal tendencies in children are treated only with a good collective. Without a collective there will be more and more isolation of the child, and he will go inward since this is all psychological: Life seems unnecessary, everything collapses, and there is just hopelessness around him.

From this to a state of happiness, all that is needed is just one small twist. But who will do it? That is the problem. I am sure that it is only the collective that is able to do this. It’s very important to develop some kind of hobbies for the child. When I was a child, my parents constantly gave me all kinds of extra-curricular activities.

First, they bought me a good camera with a zoom lens and gave me money for film developers and fixers. I was very interested in this. Before that, they presented me with a bike, and with friends, I would often take cycling trips outside of the city. Afterward, there was table tennis and then athletics where I won first place. They constantly engaged me into various activities. Also, I was never alone, but was at least with one or two other friends.

I think it is necessary to do this. A child should not sit at home. Besides being at school, he needs another circle of friends. If something fails at school, then the child will succeed in another place. Let’s suppose at a dance class or at volley ball.

The best thing is some kind of group sport. When you go into competition, “one on one,” like running different distances, this isn’t so good. Tennis and other group sports are much more effective. It’s essential to involve the child in something.

You can even agree with other families to come together to organize activities for children in a circle of ten to fifteen children and hire instructors that will help with it. For a reasonable fee, you can organize a very good activity.
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From KabTV’s “Conversations with Michael Laitman” 12/11/13

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Question: How can we realize that the youth are ready to perceive serious issues and that we can move on from role play to actual debates?

Answer: Essentially, every game has to be followed by discussion or the discussions themselves should be held in the form of a game.

It is impossible to do it any other way since we constantly play games. When I try to find my image, I see that I actually don’t have it. I am actually thrown from one extreme state to another. So where is the nicest image that I can take on and be dressed in? I have to find that in discussions.

A person doesn’t really exist by himself. We are a product of our society and are born shapeless and formatted under the influence of our parents, kindergarten, school, the media, etc. The environment has turned us into whatever it wanted to, like dough.

Now we want to clarify all that: what has it done with me, which attributes and desires I have, is there something that is actually mine in me? This is actually the state I have to reach, in which I will see that there is nothing in me that is mine.

Later, we have to show children that the best attribute is kindness and that it can open up everything for them. If we use it correctly, it is a very powerful weapon. It makes us strong and gives us a feeling of confidence, and is helpful to man and to society. But this is revealed gradually in the discussions.

Then comes the stage of the clarification of what this attribute means: kindness, good mutual relations, and a good connection.
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From KabTV’s “Conversations with Michael Laitman” 12/12/13

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Question: If a child is angry and irritable what flaw in the parents does it indicate? What does the child lack that they should give him? Does he lack their attention?

Answer: Parents should not search for the source of a teenager’s anger. A child has his own inner inquiries but still doesn’t understand what they are exactly yet. He cannot clarify them by himself, yet and he feels bad about not finding a solution for them.

At this age it is natural since his whole life is still ahead of him, the world is confusing and he feels the pressure of his peers and of the environment. On the other hand, he goes through different inner changes. Here there is a need for the right formula of communicating with the teenager.

It is a good idea to make an effort to relieve the pressure of complicated states that children find themselves in by an outing or through sports. If possible, they should be taken away from the city for a couple of months, but the best thing is to engage them in sports, since it is energy, it is development, it is communication.

Question: I remember when I was a teenager. When conflict arose between my parents, I always felt worried about whether they would make up. What should parents do in such cases? Do they have to work together to resolve the rift in the relationship or should they immediately come out with it and try to overcome the crisis together with the children?

Answer: Parents should not try to conceal that some differences exist. They should try to explain everything to the child and solve their problems, but still, they don’t have to tell the kids everything.

After all, there are many problems between adults and a child does not need to know about all of them. He cannot perceive and digest all the conflicts adults have and all the more so if the conflicts are between his parents. We have to protect the child’s psyche. Parents will always have conflicts that it is better for kids not to know about.
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From KabTV’s “Conversations with Michael Laitman” 12/11/13

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Question: Often, people who live together for a long time actually don’t know each other. In the Integral method there is an exercise called “acquaintanceship,” when spouses begin to get to know each other again: The woman says how she sees her husband, and he says how he sees himself, and so on. When they compare this, they understand that they don’t know each other. Can such an exercise be used with a teenager?

Answer: This is a very practical and beneficial exercise, but it should be used gradually because it is very difficult for a person to exit himself and begin to perceive the world through another, especially the opposite of him. It is even more difficult for a child to engage in this process, because he always sees the parents communicating with each other on a purely domestic basis. Therefore, it is best not to join him in integral interactions when the parents discuss some common problems.

I know this on my own. My parents were doctors: my mother a gynecologist and my father a dentist. They often talked about professional issues. My mother engaged in research in her field and told my father about it, and I overheard.

As a boy, I was interested in the sexual and gynecological problems. Later, I would ask my mother questions on these topics, and she explained everything carefully. Later, this gave me a lot.

In such a way a child is shaped under the influence of those conversations and discussions that take place between the parents. The thing is not only in that he integrates in the professions of the parents, but he also integrates in the technology of communication between them.

Question: How should the parents act if during the discussions on family problems they see that the child eavesdrops on them?

Answer: Let him eavesdrop. Afterward, you can call him and explain what you talked about. By this you teach him about proper mutual cooperation, and later he will build his family in an identical way. We know on ourselves how much the stereotypes that we got from our parents influence on us: by seeing how they communicated between them, discussed all sorts of life situations, argued, and agreed with each other. All this accumulates and becomes a part of us.

You can intentionally wait for the child to return from school and deliberately start a conversation about some topic, discussing it in a nice way without fighting, attempting to find a common solution. Suppose you are talking in the kitchen, and he walks around listening to your conversation. You can even ask his opinion, pulling him casually into the discussion. And then gradually he will begin to express his desire to participate in the family discussions.
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From KabTV’s “Conversations with Michael Laitman” 12/11/13

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