Question: How is it possible to choose a partner for life without repeating the failed experiences of the past and learning to build a good, stable, and correct connection that will endure?

Answer: First of all, a true connection is not transient. I am specifically interested that it will continue all the time, for with it I can have a very strong connection, “open” myself in breadth and depth so much so that through this connection I will be able to see the world differently. Building my connection with a partner becomes a new “Kli” for comprehending reality, comprehending the world.

In a form like this I open and discover myself, becoming a person with new “Kelim,” vessels. Thanks to the new spaces that I discover in my relationship with my partner, I acquire additional new emotions. Therefore I would not agree to lose her, I need her all the time so that within the reciprocal connection that we are building and developing I will acquire a different, more internal point of view of the world.

We begin to internalize deeper relationships between all parts of Creation, within the connections between people and all of humanity. Our familial connection gets better. We learn how it is up to us to relate to children and the children to us. By way of the relationships between us, we begin to understand what nature is. We learn that there exist forces in nature that are called, “father and mother,” and “children.” All creatures pair off to continue the generation, plus are always connected to minus in the nature of the still, vegetative, animate and in human society.

Polarized relationships like these are created not only between a single man and woman but also between the strata of a particular population, between various groups. I see the entire universe as a system of reciprocal linkage. Within my understanding, within me, I am already beginning to see the entire world in the right way. You see, nature intentionally arouses these forces in me so that in a form like this I will be able to be aware of it.

In the beginning of my connection with a woman, I see a foundation for unlocking the secret of life, the secret of our existence. I will be able to understand and see everything in my life in a deeper, more correct form, and I will never err! Apparently my individual internal success transforms into my social and existential success.

Therefore I relate very seriously to familial relationships and search for a woman who understands me and feels as I do, so we can operate at the same frequency. It’s up to us to get an education in the new society where all the single men and women are gathered and where there will be a multitude of possibilities for being more aware of one another.

During the discussions, the workshops, and the various events, each one can check and find someone who is most appropriate for him and closest to him in outlook, opinions, attitude, and comprehension. We begin to play like a musical chord, as if we are playing together with a single instrument, completing each other all the time.

It’s difficult to convey this with words; this belongs more to an internal emotion. The work is done on two planes. On the one hand we peel from ourselves all of the artificial strata that we received throughout our lives from external influences, all the imaginary values. And on the other hand, the more that we are released from these values, we can begin to play this within that, as with a musical instrument.

We see how we complete each other and emphasize the area formed between us in which I fulfill her and she fulfills me. We blend together so much into one image that it’s impossible to differentiate where I am and where she is, rather everything transforms into a single partnership. The more that we succeed in building and expanding this unity, I can no longer determine who is appropriate for me and who is not.

It’s necessary to understand that we are found in a natural force field in which everything is linked except for humans. But if we continue to connect, then we also begin to be integrated with nature on the level of Adam, the “speaking” level, we reach equivalence of form with nature. Then I begin to examine to what accommodation, to what equivalence of form with nature I reach together with the woman to whom I propose marriage.

We transform into one unit composed of the plus and minus found in balance with nature. We begin to feel that within us some kind of melody begins to play. This is the feeling of our accommodation with the general force of nature, the power of connection, the reciprocal bestowal and love. This force is discovered within us and must be proof that we are appropriate for each other and can continue to be together.

As long as we have not reached a feeling like this, it’s impossible to say anything. Nobody can predict if we are appropriate or not, no sage or adviser. The couple themselves must discover this. We are like David’s harp that hung on the wall and played when the north wind came and strummed on its strings. Therefore it’s also up to us to try to reach that wind and play upon our shared harp.
[111799]
From KabTV’s A Talk About New Life 6/20/13

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Question: Love means friendship and friendship, love. Why is there love between parents and children, but there is no friendship?

Answer: Basically, today, neither exists. We are in such a state of heightened egoism when children and parents no longer feel love for each other. We are not to blame; it is just what it is.

Today, many things are changing in humanity. People do not want to have children, do not want to create a family. There are those who agree to have a family but do not want children, and to the contrary, they want to have children but do not want to have a family. In general, everything is not right.

In my youth, everything was a bit different, and now I look at young people and do not understand them. They have a completely different nature. It is a sharp change of generation, hastening of time, and even greater changes are ahead of us.

The fact is that there is a rise of desires that are not yet expressed in us clearly, but are detached from the previous degree; that is, we are moving more and more away from the animate world. In other words, human nature, human egoism, is increasingly manifested in us. Therefore, we become detached from the previous animate level, and we lose the natural instincts aimed at creating a family and raising children. They acquire a nominal character.

All this leads us to correction. Meanwhile, people are moving under the influence of the new desires that are awakened in them, and then they will begin to recognize them, moreover, recognize them as harmful. How can we correct this? It is only by correcting our intention, working on mistakes.
[112152]
From the Convention in St. Petersburg, “Preparatory Lesson”

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Question: After I finish a particular stage of work with the group, is there a stage in which I work with a particular partner?

Answer: Yes, we gradually reach this after we discover how much we require a reciprocal connection and want to love someone. To love, this is to fulfill someone on a personal level. My inner space begins to indicate that I want to bestow to him, to do good for someone. This is called the impulse of love.

This is exactly what every youth feels when he is in love for the first time. He first wants to reach a connection with someone, to bestow to her and receive from her. The connection can only be a mutual connection; I convey something to her and receive something from her. I didn’t understand this then, since I was not a good psychologist yet. And now, through the “peeling” of the self and the work in a group, I begin to clarify what my true desire was. Therefore, when we get the natural state of being in love for the first time, it is not realized. But the second time that we reach a deficiency like this, it will be realized already.

As a result of the inner clarification of my true desire, I will need to discover that deep desire within me; I yearned to find someone in order to give to him. This is because I am happy if I succeed in making someone in particular happy. And he knows this, and returns that same relationship to me. Each one of us fulfills the other.

Question: And so I begin to search for someone to whom I will be able to bestow?

Answer: This becomes clear because we begin to sing at the same frequency, and I feel this. We have disengaged from an external look at each other and don’t look for an external attraction, rather we look more at the reactions of each other, and these reactions become more and more internal.

Suddenly I begin to feel that a particular person meets my inner requirements in a diverse way. We check all of this, speak between us within the group, and begin to understand with whom we can connect more and more clearly. This is continuous and most precise work. In such a form we build new Kelim, vessels, within us for mutual bestowal, a means for connection between us.
[111977]
From a Talk on Integral Upbringing 6/20/13

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The first stage when searching for a life partner is to peel from myself all extraneous things, like artificial values and perceptions of life, that I receive from external influences during my life. The second stage is returning to youth, to the ages of 12-15 when we suddenly fell in love for the first time in life and we discovered some kind of space within ourselves that could be filled only by a complementary reaction from someone, through reciprocity.

Question: Where do we begin our “peeling”?

Answer: It’s necessary to start from discussions in groups of single men and women. There we try to clarify what is artificial and didn’t belong to us from the start and that we acquired during our lives from different societies, artificial connections, from the Internet, from models that established all of our behavior of how to look and behave. A girl thinks that she needs to be seen as sure of herself and haughty like a princess. And a boy needs to be seen as macho, a hero, tall, strong, successful, and full of self confidence.

But it’s up to us to peel away from ourselves all of the images associated with a society that forces us to be seen this way and not another, and to clarify my true need in connection to which I can open myself wide without fear of anything. For if I truly cleanse myself of all the excess, then I will discover that I am that child who is not afraid that someone will harm him.

It’s up to me to understand that I am placed before the society as before nature with its laws. If I am included in it in a more open, clean, and simple form, I can feel myself protected. Specifically, thanks to the discovery of my examined heart, I can clarify who is ready to be with me in a reciprocal connection.

That is how I search for male friends for myself and also women, judging how appropriate they are for me, how they understand me and flow in the same wavelength as me. We pay attention less and less to exteriors and later pay less and less attention to gender; rather, we consider more and more the Adam (man) in them.

When we attain a feeling like this through directed discussions and workshops that raise us from the animate level to the “speaking” level, then I see who is close to me in soul and I am not attracted physically, nor do I answer to the distorted artificial standards that I received from society. It’s up to me to discern which friends are closer to me with the help of my soul, my inner voice.

Which is to say, first of all, I peel away all of the superfluous things that don’t belong to me. In the name of this we speak, make conversation within our group, and want to reach connection, to help one another. And after I have peeled all of this away, my true self remains, the pure, natural potential that existed before they clothed me with all the external Klipot. This is no longer that little child, but is my true deficiency, the inner void.

The first deficiency to link with another human I received from the outside as a natural yearning. But the second time the deficiency comes from me, from within me, “from below to above”; I awaken it with my own force, therefore it belongs to me. Therefore I can control it, understand it. This is no longer just a natural instinct that falls upon me from above to below, rather it is derived from me, which is to say, “from below to above.”

The first desire is from that child who fell in love for the first time in his life. And after that they added a “hardening of the heart,” life covered him with various egoistic coverings. Now it’s up to me to try to peel away all of these coverings, all of the superfluous layers, that conceal the true self and return to the natural deficiency. But this will not be that same child any more.

The first love symbolized for us the need, the thirst for an inner spiritual link with some perfected form, which we described as a young woman that we loved, a link from soul to soul. And now it’s as if I return to that state, but this is after I have peeled all of the artificial layers from myself and therefore I am found between two lines. On the one hand, I hold onto the pure natural deficiency, and on the other hand, I have all the Klipot, all of my ego, the evil force.

I have peeled away all of the concepts from myself that are considered to be good and evil in the eyes of society and that are not derived from me, all of the values that I received at school: how to look and how to behave. For all of them play their role.

I once saw a scene from an American film in which they laughed at the artificial behavior of children in a classroom. The children played roles all the time, imitating famous actors from the movies. And it was clear from what film and from what role each one was acting at the moment. And in the next moment, he already had begun to play another role, and that’s how it was for each one.

It’s up to us to peel from ourselves all of the images that they stuck on us, that they compelled us to play all the time. You will suddenly catch yourself thinking about how to sit, how to hold your head nicely. I see how my grandson mimics precisely all the movements of the kindergarten teacher.

An adult is tied hand and foot by models of behavior, images, preferences, and values. This begins with those that he adopted in childhood until the ages of 6-8, through a natural mimicking of adults. And after that he already began to store them himself through his ego, a desire to look good because society shows him that this is proper behavior in its opinion.
[111864]
From the Talk about Integral Upbringing 4/4/13

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Question: After the first integral discussions in circles, people who participated in them said that the more they use this method, the more egoistic they become.

Answer: They begin to see their nature as egoistic, begin to see themselves. This is good. That is, there is truly a reason to connect. Don’t be afraid of this. They will not have any negative phenomena, deviations, or depressions. Their ego is just being revealed in its integral form. And this is good. This says that a greater need to connect is appearing among them.
[111277]
From the Convention in Krasnoyarsk 6/13/13, Lesson 3

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I recommend the workshops, joint discussions, and practical exercises for married couples. Start with the question: “What does, ‘one is included in the other’ mean from the aspect of judgment and from the aspect of mercy?”

Judgment means to act for the good of my ego and mercy means to act for the good of my wife’s ego. My task now is to clarify what the “middle line” means, where I constantly try to maintain a balance between judgment and mercy. That is, I try to bestow to my wife as much as possible but I do this in order to get a good example from her, to receive a good reaction, meaning a good relationship from her side.

If I am concerned only about myself this is called the “left line.” And if I take into account my wife’s ego and am ready to fulfill all she asks of me, this is called the “right line.” In other words, the left line is judgment and the right line is mercy.

The left line or judgment is all of the demands that I present to my partner and want her to fulfill. The right line or mercy is all of my wife’s demands regarding me. Therefore, it is clear that judgment and mercy, the right line and the left line, contradict each other.

And when will they stop fighting each other and be able to receive complete fulfillment? This is possible if one becomes the servant of the other. That is, with a unilateral decision where I get my wife to be my servant and beat her so she will obey me or she does so to me.

But there is an opportunity for both of us to fulfill each other in a perfected form, very many times greater than through the servitude of the partner. For this it is necessary that each one include the ego of the other. It makes sense that we need to work only on the connection between us. And then the more that I can fulfill the ego of my wife and she can fill my ego, the more we fill ourselves.

How not to lose the balance? In order to do this we need to hold ourselves in a shared feeling of connection between us, at a particular point of balance, as if we situate ourselves on the tip of a needle. We require a point of connection like this, a drop of unity, that requires reciprocity so as not to go overboard and out of balance.

Here we require a shared feeling called “coupling” in which both are joined with a single desire for mutual bestowal for the sake of a reciprocal connection. We grasp the ego of each as a means where through its fulfillment we build the connection between us. And then the shared point that connects us is called a “screen.”

Both of us are connected together with a mutual desire to fulfill each other and we try not to lose the balance by feeling ourselves as a single whole all the time. And this feeling is renewed and strengthened in us all the time: New thoughts and feelings are always appearing in us, moving us forward. We never just walk in place.
[110511]
From KabTV’s “A New Life #46” 8/1/12

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The third principle in familial relationships is that when a person feels that they love him and are concerned for his welfare, this awakens great happiness in him and this obliges him to reciprocate with a similar relationship. In this way we give an example to each other.

We agree to work on a system of relationships between us and so we are acting consciously and understand what is happening. Nobody allows himself to “shoot from the hip” with what comes to him regarding a partner. We want to build a good family so we play at perfected relationships which don’t really exist at the moment but from a hope that we will reach this. We show each other that this is merely a game at the moment, but it is a game that advances, and all the time it becomes easier and easier and closer to the truth.

We are obliged to play since we agreed upon this!

Question: What if I try to build a good relationship with my wife but nothing helps because she is such a great egoist that she refuses to take any step towards me?

Answer: This says that I haven’t acted wisely, otherwise I would play with her ego and would surround her from all sides. She depends on me and if she is a great egoist this is a sign that she has great desires that I can fulfill. Therefore I control the situation.

The whole problem is that in general we don’t know how to play with this ego. The more the ego of the person grows, the more he becomes like a child, the more he becomes like a baby. It is very easy to get the right reaction from him if we act correctly with him since he is not his own master but depends completely on his ego.

Man (Gever) is one who is able to overcome himself and it is impossible to influence him directly. You cannot hurt him, you “fall” upon him and he stands his ground. He won’t react immediately but overcomes himself. If your partner is egoistic like this, unprepared to control herself, you can play with her as you would with a baby.

We must intentionally show each other a good relationship, even exaggeratedly, and check to see if we get a similar relationship in return. If there is no similar relationship, we must work on this. I try to give her a good relationship all the time, but if I don’t see a similar relationship in return, I refrain from doing this. I try to do something good again and if I get a good reaction, I give her an even warmer relationship. If not, I also distance myself. I present myself intentionally, showing her that I am ready to treat her well but only on condition that she will reciprocate.

So in this way we build our married couple: unity, communication, what is called a “family.” This is exactly the way I must relate to children with the help of the “carrot and the stick.” The entire method is built upon concession; I rise above my ego in a calculated and controlled manner according to a program that was specified from the start.

But this is not just absolutely unconditional love which will awaken contempt in the other person. I must show that I love, that I concede everything, that I nullify myself, but not so my partner will do whatever he wants. Even parents who have infinite love for their children must not show this. I must add “judgment to mercy” or “mercy to judgment,” controlling the situation with the help of these two reins depending upon the reaction.

I set for myself the goal of bringing us to connection and I inform my wife of this. But she must know that in this unification I have two reins in my possession: judgment and mercy, love and hate, and one doesn’t work without the other. As it is said, “Love covers over all iniquities.” Do we agree to reveal the iniquities and cover them with love or not? If so, let’s try.

This is like I’m driving in a car, I turn the steering wheel to the right and to the left to maintain the right direction. The problem is that we are not sensitive to the partner, the other. Therefore I turn to my wife with a request to be sensitive to her. What wife would refuse this? This is an eternal complaint of a woman regarding her husband, he doesn’t understand her, doesn’t look at her, and doesn’t want to share his experiences.

And on the contrary, I ask her to reveal herself before me so I can connect with her. It is up to me to understand how she understands, feels, and reacts regarding me. If I know all this, then I can manage our relationship in the family with the help of my steering wheel. And she will feel this and begin to control her steering wheel regarding me so that finally these two steering wheels will join into one steering wheel that we turn together.

This is an emotional process as if the two of us are found on opposite scales trying to maintain balance all the time. The ego of each is growing all the time and balances itself regarding the partner. So we are always balancing, renewing our relationship all the time. This assures us of having a deep and infinite development within which we discover a whole symphony of love.
[110205]
From KabTV’s “A New Life #46” 8/1/12

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Rabash, Letter 40: Each gift….that he gives to his friend is like a bullet that makes a hollow in the stone. And although the first bullet only scratches the stone, when the second bullet hits the same place, it already makes a notch, and the third one makes a dent.

And through the bullets that he shoots repeatedly, the dent becomes a hollow in his friend’s heart of stone, where all the presents gather. And each gift becomes a spark of love until all the sparks of love accumulate in the hollow of the stony heart and become a flame.

The difference between a spark and a flame is that where there is love, there is open disclosure, meaning a disclosure to all the peoples that the fire of love is burning in him. And the fire of love burns all the transgressions one meets along the way.

Question: They say that love is acquired through good deeds. When a person gives a gift to his friend, every gift is like an arrow that strikes the heart of the other and makes a hole in it. Ultimately, arrow after arrow, the wall in the heart of the other is breached and emotional unity is created between them. What is meant by “gifts” in relationships between partners? Is this a ring that is bought at a store or something else?

Answer: First of all, before buying the ring it’s necessary to check if this will really make the woman happy. Or maybe she needs new shoes or maybe instead of a ring or new shoes she would prefer to go out with you on vacation for a few days?

The meaning of a “gift” is that first you check to see if she needs it. I would close all the gift stores because they are full of absolutely superfluous things that nobody needs. On the contrary, it’s necessary to check what the woman wants and to bring her something which is exactly according to her desire and then this is called a gift.

The gift doesn’t have to be material; the main thing is to fulfill the desire of the partner. Even a nice relationship is acceptable as a gift if it comes from love that doesn’t require compensation. Through a relationship like this I don’t demand anything from the partner in exchange since I enjoy the activity and I don’t expect compensation in exchange. On the contrary, I am thankful to him for the opportunity to give him a gift, which is pleasure for me.

I see how much my wife enjoys buying a gift for a grandchild for his birthday. She should thank him for having a birthday for it was a pleasure for her to look for a gift for him and to think of what exactly to buy that he would like. This is an example of a gift coming from love.

It’s the same thing regarding relationships between partners. I need to be integrated into the desires of my partner and to imagine what would make her most happy. And after this I go and carry this out with the goal of fulfilling her desire. And in no way or manner do I need to expect any compensation in exchange for the gift, for here an inner estimation is made without any personal benefit.

For if I require a payoff in exchange for my gift, this is no longer a gift; rather it’s just a business transaction. A gift is made completely from non-egoistic motives rather, only from love. My partner doesn’t owe me anything in return on the contrary, this was a pleasure for me.

When we talked about mutual concessions, then there it was the opposite; I made a concession and required an action in response to this from the partner. But a gift is above all this.

With the help of the right use of gifts, we receive the opportunities to build good relations between us, to begin a “new life.” For by means of the gift, we convey our love towards the partner and through this we acquire him.

In real life sometimes the opposite happens, the gifts that we bring to the partner or to children destroy the relationships between us. But this is only because these gifts were not from absolute love but from an intention to bribe the woman as compensation for my behavior. In a circumstance like this it’s not a gift but compensation. When I promise my son a gift if he will finish the school year successfully, this is not called a gift either but simply a payoff.

I need to show my wife that I am bringing her a gift without any egoistic intent but only from love. It is said, “Someone who gives a gift to his friend must let him know.” That this gift is for no reason! For everything else there are reasons, and in this case there isn’t, therefore I must let him know. A gift like this without a reason awakens mutual love from the other side. This is not compensation, not a payoff, but needs some kind of response, reciprocity.

First of all it’s up to me to find out what my wife wants. And after I have checked this, I bring her a gift and tell her how long it took me to think about what would be best to buy and that I even saved the money for this purpose, how long I looked for exactly what she needs. That is, I double this gift because I thought about it a lot; I searched and wanted to fulfill her desires.

By satisfying her desire, I gave her fulfillment, because I love her absolutely without any calculation. I enjoyed bringing her a gift so much and am sorry that my effort has ended; I was so happy to search for a gift for her that would make her happy. This is what is called a gift.

As it is said, every gift is like an arrow that strikes the heart of the other and makes a hole in it. This is talking about strangers, about egoists who are found in a conflict. But if we are talking about partners, there it’s easier to melt the heart of the partner. Therefore it’s easier to begin to build relationships like these within the family and only after this in other places. In relationships between partners, they are not separated by strong impenetrable walls as there are between strangers. Therefore come, let’s start from the family!
[110685]
From a Talk on Integral Upbringing 8/1/12

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One hundred percent of our systems of relationships are connected to the economy. The economy is a reflection of our egoistic connections because it’s not just about finances. Even if we politely say to each other, “Hello, thanks, goodbye” or just give someone a fork, when we sit at a shared table, this is also economics because these are acts of exchange. We are not necessarily obligated to count dollars because the exchange is happening both in the energetic level and at the verbal level.

Therefore, the wisdom of Kabbalah says that the world will pass to another economy, and the present economy will simply destroy itself. And the sooner we understand where it’s heading the easier it will transition to a new economy.

A new economy is an economy of sensible consumption where we don’t consider our options but our needs and work only for them. The economy will be built upon satisfying a rational human lifestyle and nothing more. Whereas, the principle by which it works today will soon be successfully “removed” everywhere, everything will collapse.

If we don’t lead the integral education, it will be realized through crisis and bankruptcy, which already have their place now. We take upon ourselves only the educational work. We need new economists, people different from those who are found in power today.
[110491]
From the Convention In Krasnoyarsk 6/14/13, Lesson 4   

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Question: Young people who are studying both in schools and universities are still children but at the same time they already have an absolutely mature attitude. There is such a large gap between these two states that it is as if it “splits” them. Therefore, it is very difficult for adults to communicate with them.

Answer: At school they naturally behave like regular children. Accordingly, the relationship and the demands on them remain on the same level.

During the integral process, they transform very rapidly into adults but not as usual adults, instead they are like those who are connected. They form another social structure. We call on them to participate because this structure is the best and most fertile for both internal spiritual development, intellectual development, and generally for success in life.

Therefore, the integrality they acquire smoothes out any differences in their opinions when on the one hand, they enter into a mature society and study at a university and on the other hand, at the age of 14 they are still children. The integral relationship between them connects these two polarities, softens them so they become simpler, easier, and smoother; they feel mutuality. It follows that those with integrality take upon themselves the burden of adulthood they still may not want to take on. Through a correct approach like this we can straighten out all the problems.
[106705]
From a Talk on Integral Upbringing 4/4/13

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