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Question: Divorce is a major world problem. Over the past 40 years, twice as many people have decided to end relationships, and in some places the divorce rate exceeds 70%.

The causes of divorce are considered to be hasty, thoughtless wedlock, marriage for money, adultery, sexual dissatisfaction, incompatibility of characters, emotional immaturity for family life, and alcohol abuse. There are many more reasons.

Why do you think this is happening?

Answer: A modern person cannot stand another person next to him all the time. He simply cannot! Just because he is a big egotist.

Egoism has increased because our egos are constantly growing. We are undergoing an egoistic evolution, and one person cannot tolerate another next to him. “How long can I take this?! Why?!” and so on. Meaning it is better to break up. People may live as if they are not even married because it is hard to break up or for some other reason.

Question: Still there are strong marriages. For example, I have been married for 38 years. You are already approaching your golden anniversary.

Answer: That is true. But I live between my wife, children, and my group. This is not an ordinary life either. I cannot be an example, not to mention my terrible character traits.

But divorce? I have never even considered it. I never thought I could get divorced and leave my wife and children. No, I bought an apartment and transferred it to my wife. I have nothing at all! Seriously.

I took care of my children so each of them would be provided for and have an education, a home, and everything else. I made sure they got married; it is a must! So I could do my work in peace. These are the most important things.

If you have children, you have to take care of them. The main thing is the children.

Question: Is this the worst about divorce? Do children feel like they do not have a dad or mom?

Answer: The child suffers from the absence of a parent, any parent! Either mom or dad. Of course, a mother more so, but a father too. It leaves a mark on them. This cannot be forgiven!

Children consider their father’s departure from them as a betrayal, as a divorce from them. And they do not forget that. They cannot. That is, the child feels that “Dad has left me.” And this is, of course, very difficult.

Question: And when love is gone?

Answer: What love?!

Comment: They say: “Love is gone,” this is how they justify it.

My Response: Where did it go? I do not understand that word. I only know one thing: if people live together, if they are more or less understanding and well-mannered, they can create comfortable conditions for life together. Not good or happy, but comfortable together.

Question: Do they form such an alliance of convenience?

Answer: Of course! What is marriage in the first place? A joint household where you believe that you can support each other and help each other, you are satisfied with that. That is the first thing. All else changes in a person every few years in other directions.

After all, today we live five times longer than 200 years ago, not to mention 1,000 years ago. The Pharaoh lived for 20 to 22 years. The Pharaoh! Even though he was served everything in silver, everything was washed, cleaned, normal, environmentally friendly products, he lived for only 22 years.

Can we even imagine this?! What is 22 years old today? One is not even an adult.

Question: Another aspect is keeping the family together, what should a woman be like, and what should a man be like in this union?

Answer: There must be education. Whatever happens, after all, thousands of different states and “adventures” can happen to anyone throughout their lives, but you know you have a family, and your duty is to support and accompany them. For as long as you live, you must care for them. This is the first thing. And feelings, you cannot build anything based on them.

Comment: You have often said that a man looks for his mother in a woman.

My Response: That is right. A man looks for something from his mother in a woman. And if he finds it, it ensures his devotion to her.

Question: If a married woman understands that her husband is looking for a mother, does this ensure a union?

Answer: Yes, the Torah says that in the time of the forefathers, the bride was brought to his mother’s tent, and after she lived with her mother-in-law for a while, the man married her.

She learned from his mother how to serve him, what to do with him, what he likes and dislikes, etc. She watched and learned everything, including how his mom cooks.

Comment: That is, she was learning to be a mother to her husband. This is, of course, a paradox.

My Response: How is this a paradox?

Comment: She did not come here to learn how to be a wife but to be a mother to him.

My Response: You cannot imagine how a man gets attached to a woman if she reminds him of his mother. He will look at her as a child! He will always catch his mother in her.

Question: Will he never want to get divorced?

Answer: Never! What does it mean to get divorced? Leave Mom?

Question: So Mom cannot be abandoned?

Answer: Right.

Comment: The phrase from the wife: “Go to your mommy! I am not your mother! Let her bake your cake for you!”

My Response: Oh, see what arguments they bring: “I am not your mother!” That is the problem.

Comment: This is probably where a large percentage of divorces occur, when a woman does not take on the function of the mother.

My Response: She must understand this is the only way to keep a man, to make him her own! Just like that; there is nothing you can do about it. It is in the Torah, written in black and white in the Bible.

Question: So maybe you are revealing the secret of all divorces, and we do not need any psychologists?

Answer: This is the secret of an explicit relationship. For the rest of his life, a man will see his mother in his wife and will not run away from her anywhere.

Question: So what is the man in the family?

Answer: If he clings to her, what else does she need?

Question: Is this her safety? Is this what she is looking for in him?

Answer: Nothing else. He will do everything to make her feel good and will give her compliments every day.

Question: Will he make money and work?

Answer: Sure, I know this for sure; it is human nature.

Question: What does a woman need in a man? The feeling of safety?

Answer: First of all, attention. Attention to her, to the children, to the home. That is, are you getting married? This is it! The bride goes to her mother-in-law and learns from her all the weaknesses of her son. She knows how to work with him like a woman: to give him something, make something, and do something that reminds him of his mother. A man gets bought immediately, instantly, and forever.

Comment: And he will do everything she wants.

Answer: He needs it necessarily. A man does not give birth; he remains a child; therefore, this buys him.

Question: So he is still a child? All the time? Even in his 70s and 80s?

Answer: It does not matter! His whole life.

Comment: People may not be outraged, but they will ask: “Still, what about a man? Everything revolves around a woman.”

My Response: A man should bring everything a woman requires; there is no need for anything else. This is true in the material world. But in the spiritual world, everything is different; it is the opposite.

The family does not overlap with a man’s spiritual development. This is his privilege and prerogative; it is purely his personal choice. In this regard, he is the man and the head of the family. This concerns spiritual development. As for the material world, it is up to a woman.

In spiritual development, a man is in command; in material development a woman is.

Question: If a man is in charge of spiritual development, is the role of a woman to let him take care of his soul?

Answer: Yes, of course.

Comment: And then he will also provide her with everything she needs.

My Response: Twice as much!
[258989]
From KabTV’s “News with Dr. Michael Laitman” 11/21/24

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Question: “I’m a singleton” is a new trend in society that is gaining momentum. More than 50% of Americans are single these days. In Sweden, Denmark, Norway, and Finland—about 40%.

In Russia, about 40% of people have the status of singles, i.e., they are not registered as married. At the same time, 79% of them do not feel lonely at all, and 54% are not afraid of the absence of a partner.

They say: “I do not feel lonely, and I do not understand people who are trying their best to change this.”

What is the benefit of loneliness?

Answer: I think a person realizes himself very well during this state. He does not pay attention to any side responsibilities, he does not owe anyone anything. He creates himself and his lifestyle in such a way that he is as comfortable as possible so that his free time is used as correctly and effectively as possible.

But this is character. Not everyone should be like that. There are people who want a family, who want to be in a family with small children sitting on “their heads.”

How a person grows up is very important. If I grew up in a family with well–off, culturally developed parents, doctors, and the house was full of books, everything was good and right, and I consider myself an only child (I have a brother, but he is much younger), so I do not feel that I have to be in the circle of a huge family. And there are people who are the opposite.

Comment: Living in a marriage, people often feel like strangers. And over time, this alienation grows.

My Response: This happens because our egoism is constantly growing. Each year it becomes harder to get along with others. Naturally! In recent years, egoism has been growing exponentially. This is evident even in young children and how they are today.

I believe we should not judge anything. We should acknowledge the fact that humanity is developing in this way.

If you want to correct this, the focus should not be on correcting specific things that you dislike, but on improving the overall atmosphere of humanity, elevating it to a higher degree, and distancing it somewhat from egoism. This would lead to better relationships between people.

It does not necessarily mean that people will suddenly form families or have children. No, but their interactions with each other will improve. People will feel more comfortable. Perhaps this will encourage them to step out of their “shells” and communicate more.

However, we can see today that everything is already geared for minimal interaction: food delivery, laundry services, and everything can be ordered online. There is no need to do any of it yourself.

Question: What is the meaning of connection between people?

Answer: To rise above our egoism and in that ascent discover the upper world. If that purpose is not there, I see no reason to regret that many people live alone.
[248272]
From KabTV’s “News with Dr. Michael Laitman” 6/21/19

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Question: In Israel, parents of small children aged three months to three years took to the streets to demand that the Ministry of Education and the government establish oversight over nurseries. We know of numerous cases where caregivers treated infants inadequately and abusively, and even lead to fatal outcomes.

Why does hatred arise toward what seems to be the kindest and most innocent thing in the world, a small child?

Answer: Firstly, these are other people’s children, not their own. Although even with their own such attitudes can occur.

The thing is, love and hate, life and death, are very close to one another, practically side by side. They accompany each other and sometimes literally replace one another.

This comes from human nature because the transition from love to hate is very unclear and fragile. The same powerful desires are at work, but they switch poles, a kind of polarization occurs, and this is the result.

We know that the same happens with parents. What about parents who forget their children in the car? They just erase them from their minds entirely. And what can you do about that?

And when we talk about caregivers for whom this is just a job, perhaps even one they hate, that they are forced to do because they cannot do anything else but still need to earn a living, those children become objects of their hatred.

To the extent that they hate their work and their miserable, underprivileged lives, they transfer all of that onto the children.

Today’s egoism, today’s intolerance is found in both women and men, and the attitude toward the world and toward children is unnatural. We live in a generation where egoism compels us to correct it; otherwise, we will not survive.

Question: You said the transition between love and hate is very fragile. How can a person regulate or recognize this moment of transition so they do not lose control?

Answer: There cannot be love without hate, nor hate without love, just as there cannot be a positive without a negative. They work together. But what to consider positive and what negative depends on the person.

Therefore if I love myself, then I see negatives in everyone else. But if I wish to correct myself and see my own flaws, then I can see positives in others.

And here arises a very serious problem. In our time, desires and traits emerge in us that we are obligated to correct into their polar opposites. If we do not do this, you see what happens.

I do not blame those caregivers in nurseries or daycare, nor people who exhibit various sadistic or abusive tendencies, because they just don’t work on them. The human masses need care, work, and education. Before becoming caregivers, they need to be nurtured, and this is not being done.

Question: Is it possible to become a teacher or caregiver not by vocation, not naturally, but through the education or training you are talking about?

Answer: This is very difficult. Because instead of a natural inclination to be a caregiver, if you do not want to be one, you will need to imagine a higher goal that you want to achieve, and therefore be ready to become a caregiver. This requires very serious work on oneself.

Question: A person is a cluster of hormones, chemistry, and so on. Education accounts for only 10% of who a person becomes. What else is added to a person besides these hormones and chemistry that causes them to shift from a state of goodwill to evil? How does egoism suddenly explode within them?

Answer: The fact is, we have become very close to one another, yet we do not work on ourselves. As a result, we negatively influence each other. Mass media, all of this has a tremendous impact. I constantly see bad images and examples before me, and it costs me nothing to imitate them. I imitate them involuntarily.

So everything we see on screens or smartphones enters us and forces us to act like those so-called “heroes” we see. Essentially, the entire problem lies with the media.

Question: Let us take someone who, on the one hand wants to be a caregiver, a teacher, a mother, or a parent. They treat a child or children well, but suddenly there comes a moment when they feel something rising within them they cannot control. What should they do?

Answer: Yes, they cannot control themselves because, again, their inner impulses are stronger than all the restraining factors. Even those they have heard or read about, like how people are punished for being like this, do not help. They cannot restrain themselves; their restraining mechanism shuts down. That is it. Nothing can be done.

The whole issue is that we must provide people with proper examples of behavior, both with each other and with children.

No fear or punishment can restrain or hold back anything—only a good example can.
[251235]
From KabTV’s “News with Dr. Michael Laitman” 8/7/19

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Question: We live in the hustle and bustle of life, often forgetting our loved ones, family, colleagues, and friends. We forget to say kind words, to acknowledge that they are important and needed, that they are remarkable.

There is a saying: “Words can kill, and words can heal.” Why is it so important for a person to hear compliments?

Answer: Because a person is an egoist. That is why it is so crucial for them to hear good things about themselves. And if bad things are said, it hurts them in a different way, conversely.

Comment: But we know that when a person hears something good, they are immediately ready to meet others halfway and do something for them. And vice versa.

My Response: Of course. For them, it is a reward, so they are ready. It is a great incentive for their egoism.

However, if a person has a goal in life, sees that goal as true and correct, has decided on it, and acts accordingly, then others may say good or bad things about their behavior, goal, actions, or life, and it would not affect them at all. This is because they are confident they are acting correctly.

Compliments in our time are insincere interactions because they are always egoistic.

If I inspire someone, if I push them toward a goal, it should simply be my ongoing work—to help others rise and move forward toward the goal of life, to achieve it. And in doing so, I am not offering a compliment, but am providing a necessary element of progress.

Question: Does the soul require compliments?

Answer: Our egoism requires compliments. That is our entire foundation, that is who we are: egoists!

And so when someone tells me, “Wow! Look at you! You’re amazing!” and so forth, I feel important, gain energy, and can do something. I am ready to repay such a person the same way because they have inspired me. But fundamentally, this is all because we are egoists.

Strictly speaking, relationships should not be built on compliments but on mutual support, where every person supports every other person in their pursuit of life’s goals.

Question: What does proper mutual support look like?

Answer: It is setting an example of “Love your neighbor as yourself.”

People see that you are working on yourself to unite with others, to correct yourself, to help them correct themselves, to help them understand the meaning of life, where to move, how to complete life, with what result, what that result should be, and so on. When you act this way, you naturally provide an example to others, and they strive to act similarly.

Comment: In Kabbalah, there is a rule: speak of the greatness of the friends.

My Response: But that is not a compliment. It is a necessary element of our spiritual work. The difference lies in why I say it. I say it to give someone direction in their development, a goal, and strength.

A compliment, as a rule, is said to flatter someone, to give them a sense of self-importance. But in our study, in Kabbalah, importance is not in us but in our work and the goal—in the Creator, whom we are trying to reveal. So I would not consider these as compliments.

Question: How should one properly speak of the greatness of one’s friends? Can this serve as an example for others?

Answer: As a rule, we do not speak of the greatness of a friend directly to the friend. We speak of their greatness among ourselves to elevate them in our eyes so they may serve as an example for us. Because if we talk about the greatness of a friend directly to them, we essentially lower them by inflating their ego.

Question: Does that turn it into a compliment?

Answer: Yes, and such a compliment will have a negative effect on them. Therefore, I do not see it as beneficial. With a child, we can say: “What a clever boy you are, how smart! Look how well you have done everything, how beautifully!” And they puff up with pride.

But for an adult (I mean people within my circle), such compliments are unnecessary.

Question: What is your advice for people? How should relationships be built so that every moment they feel needed and important to each other?

Answer: By engaging in meaningful work. By moving forward together in a journey toward unity to reveal the upper force, the higher purpose of existence, and the higher nature. This is not a compliment—it is our entire life.
[248514]
From KabTV’s “News with Dr. Michael Laitman” 6/27/19

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Preparation to the Lesson

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1st part of the Lesson — Lesson on the Topic “All Your Actions Will be for The Sake of the Creator”

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