Question: We live in the hustle and bustle of life, often forgetting our loved ones, family, colleagues, and friends. We forget to say kind words, to acknowledge that they are important and needed, that they are remarkable.

There is a saying: “Words can kill, and words can heal.” Why is it so important for a person to hear compliments?

Answer: Because a person is an egoist. That is why it is so crucial for them to hear good things about themselves. And if bad things are said, it hurts them in a different way, conversely.

Comment: But we know that when a person hears something good, they are immediately ready to meet others halfway and do something for them. And vice versa.

My Response: Of course. For them, it is a reward, so they are ready. It is a great incentive for their egoism.

However, if a person has a goal in life, sees that goal as true and correct, has decided on it, and acts accordingly, then others may say good or bad things about their behavior, goal, actions, or life, and it would not affect them at all. This is because they are confident they are acting correctly.

Compliments in our time are insincere interactions because they are always egoistic.

If I inspire someone, if I push them toward a goal, it should simply be my ongoing work—to help others rise and move forward toward the goal of life, to achieve it. And in doing so, I am not offering a compliment, but am providing a necessary element of progress.

Question: Does the soul require compliments?

Answer: Our egoism requires compliments. That is our entire foundation, that is who we are: egoists!

And so when someone tells me, “Wow! Look at you! You’re amazing!” and so forth, I feel important, gain energy, and can do something. I am ready to repay such a person the same way because they have inspired me. But fundamentally, this is all because we are egoists.

Strictly speaking, relationships should not be built on compliments but on mutual support, where every person supports every other person in their pursuit of life’s goals.

Question: What does proper mutual support look like?

Answer: It is setting an example of “Love your neighbor as yourself.”

People see that you are working on yourself to unite with others, to correct yourself, to help them correct themselves, to help them understand the meaning of life, where to move, how to complete life, with what result, what that result should be, and so on. When you act this way, you naturally provide an example to others, and they strive to act similarly.

Comment: In Kabbalah, there is a rule: speak of the greatness of the friends.

My Response: But that is not a compliment. It is a necessary element of our spiritual work. The difference lies in why I say it. I say it to give someone direction in their development, a goal, and strength.

A compliment, as a rule, is said to flatter someone, to give them a sense of self-importance. But in our study, in Kabbalah, importance is not in us but in our work and the goal—in the Creator, whom we are trying to reveal. So I would not consider these as compliments.

Question: How should one properly speak of the greatness of one’s friends? Can this serve as an example for others?

Answer: As a rule, we do not speak of the greatness of a friend directly to the friend. We speak of their greatness among ourselves to elevate them in our eyes so they may serve as an example for us. Because if we talk about the greatness of a friend directly to them, we essentially lower them by inflating their ego.

Question: Does that turn it into a compliment?

Answer: Yes, and such a compliment will have a negative effect on them. Therefore, I do not see it as beneficial. With a child, we can say: “What a clever boy you are, how smart! Look how well you have done everything, how beautifully!” And they puff up with pride.

But for an adult (I mean people within my circle), such compliments are unnecessary.

Question: What is your advice for people? How should relationships be built so that every moment they feel needed and important to each other?

Answer: By engaging in meaningful work. By moving forward together in a journey toward unity to reveal the upper force, the higher purpose of existence, and the higher nature. This is not a compliment—it is our entire life.
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From KabTV’s “News with Dr. Michael Laitman” 6/27/19

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