Question: What is the ultimate force of nature, which will operate in the future family? Is it related to religion?

Answer: It is not about religion, but about the fact that we are all connected to each other above our egoism. It is written that the Shechina (divine presence) abides between a husband and wife.

The future of the family lies in the action of the upper force of nature upon it, the force of love, unity, and mutual bestowal. In such a family we will be connected by the ties that are above our animal level.

Due to the family, a person will have more than a warm and cozy family nest where one feels safe and receives help in case of illness and old age. We will build a network of relationships between us, inside of which we will reveal the force of bestowal and love that exists above our nature.

Question: Why are there families which seemingly enjoy full material prosperity, but feel they that they lack family warmth?

Answer: It is for this reason that people divorce. They feel a void that cannot be filled by anything. The family does not have what I want. And what I want, I do not know.

People feel that they need a new form of family ties, but do not know where to look for or how to find them. And thus they get divorced.

The family of the future will have a new connection that leads a married couple to a higher purpose for which it is worthwhile living together. Indeed, if not for this, then what is the point of having a family?

You can buy prepared food in a supermarket, do your laundry in an automatic washing machine, so you can invite a woman over for an evening. Children can be visited once a week, and indeed, we do not see them often because we work so much. What benefits does the family add to our fully arranged, comfortable life?

Question: What is missing in today’s family?

Answer: The family lacks a higher purpose other than conventional, material animal wellbeing. We are required to reveal the human degree in our family in order to discover the Shechina between us, to reveal the upper force, and to have an eternal and perfect life. And it really can be achieved through connection within the family, with other families, and eventually with the whole world.

The upper force is the force of love and bestowal. It is called “upper” because it is above us, above the egoists, who are opposite to it, love only themselves, and do not love others.

Question: What will we feel in the future family that we do not have today?

Answer: We will feel a life without any restrictions and one filled will all flavors. We will need the whole world. Our family will be in such a connection with the other families that we feel confident, joyful, restricted by nothing. Children will grow up in this atmosphere and will be brought up according to it. We must come to this.
[158752]
From KabTV’s “A New Life” 2/15/15

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Question: Why do I need a family?

Answer: It is no accident that the family is in crisis today. This should prompt us to check and study our life critically. As a result, we should come to the conclusion that the whole world should be like one family.

Throughout the world, a crisis of the family is taking place. And it will be more intensified as long as we do not decide that the general and individual must be equal.

That is, we need to take care of one large family in the whole world, to unite all the billions of people into one family. Only then can we understand the principles of how to build our individual family and how these families should be connected with each other.

We have to go through a crisis in order to realize that we need a new ideal approach, integral and global. We will hold on to the family not because of convenience and not because of the food and customs we are used to from childhood.

The family will receive an additional higher value because we will establish good relations in it and between families, bringing them together in an increasingly extensive family, community. And because of this, we will advance to a new life, to the revelation of the upper force of nature between us.

A man is connected to his wife through their children, habits, debts, and household. But now we need to feel that we are connected with all other families in the same way: by shared debt, advantages and disadvantages. After all, we have entered into an integral world, and we have a joint account with respect to the higher forces of nature. We are required to connect all families in one family.

Either we come to the realization ourselves, or we will have to go through a lot of blows through which we will eventually understand that the present crisis is designed to oblige us to establish a new connection between ourselves. It is not enough to improve connections within one’s family. We will not be able to maintain family ties, raise children properly, and live in harmony within the family if we do not decide that we have to achieve the consent of the general atmosphere of a family around the world, or at least within the nation.

This principle will determine the education we give children at home, in schools, and kindergartens, and will determine the values of our society. It will be in the air like a common opinion.

Thus, I think that the institution of the family will have to go through a great revolution to bring us to a new level, to a new look at human nature and our life on earth. We have to completely change ourselves.

The family is the most ancient foundation that accompanies the human being throughout his evolution. Even at a time when the ape had not yet come down from the trees, the family already existed. But now it’s time for great qualitative changes, after which we will rise to a new degree, indeed to the level of the human being.
[158686]
From KabTV’s “A New Life” 2/15/15

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In the News (Presz Pospolita): “In the Western nations there was a form of responsibility that worked previously which took into account the possibility that one allowed another to use part of his freedom in exchange for allowing the reciprocal possibility. Freedom is optional now, it belongs in the category of being a right.

“A free person is someone who reveals a readiness to subjugate himself and those around him in the pursuit of attaining something better. Previous cooperation is changed into stiff competition. Freedom becomes egoism, altruism becomes subjugation. The progressives call a family based on mutual altruism among its members, patriarchal slavery.

“The differences between the roles of men and women became less rigid. Aggressive competition leads to a lack of common goals, a lack of closeness and support. A single person is happier when he feels that he is living correctly, so he conducts war everywhere against the family and its foundation.

“Single people are a product of the welfare state which has collapsed, created following a competitive struggle for survival. The more single people there are, the more rigid and sharp the struggle. They are the reason for the breakdown of society, like a building in which the common good has lost its value, and in its place come the egoistic interests of single people.

“Egoism is a characteristic that typifies a lack of maturity and childishness. It is easy to manipulate immature people. The flexibility and the rightness of their actions, which developed following a lack of familial obligations, is a great advantage.

“A single person in his closed space is not as happy as he seems, but he is not ready to recognize this. If being single is a conscious choice, then it cannot be considered a sign of happiness and a desire to be free. Rather, it indicates the existence of emotional problems, since people were not created to be single and live in solitude.”

My Comment: I think the destruction of families is the result of the growing egoism, as is the growing violence of people and nations. All of this brings us to a need to rethink the essence of our development and the need to find a solution. This solution is applying the principle of unity above all the defects and contradictions in everyone and society as a whole.
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Question: How do we choose the appropriate partner? Where do we begin?

Answer: Follow the general law of nature in which everything seeks balance. So, the more similarity there is between the partners, the more compatible they are with each other. The similarity is in the education that they received, their values, their worldview, and their behavior in various internal and external situations. It is necessary to look for compatibility, and the more that couples are like each other, the more the family has a chance to succeed.

So first, it is up to the person to examine himself to understand who he truly is, and this is done with the help of talks, joint activities, and workshops. First of all, one must know human nature, study its psychology, through which I already will begin to understand who I am, what motivates me, and how and why I react in such a way.

It is necessary to find out how many reactions various people have for the same problem, ordinary life situations, and check how similar our reactions are so that we can understand each other. Perhaps, I am in a completely different situation now, but the response of my partner is clear to me, and I would react exactly like that if I were in a similar situation.

For this, we must teach a person to go outside of himself and be “clothed” in other situations, looking at himself from the side. He must check his responses in different situations, and then he will understand how many different types of behaviors exist in him, the different reactions and different patterns from which he is composed, and now it is up to me to understand which patterns the other person is composed of.

We use an approach like this in not only searching for a partner, but generally, in understanding another person. We must clarify how many different situations there can be, how many reactions, mood swings, and changes, to the extent that I can understand him and be clothed in his image. Can I imagine myself in his place? We give each other signs that we understand each other, that we agree and accept each other.

This is a study of the person, who he is and which forms of behavior he can have. There are various types of people: hotheaded, optimistic, melancholy, and indifferent (choleric, sanguine, melancholic, and phlegmatic). Psychology has clear criteria for these standard types and is able to determine which of them are compatible with each other. In this way, it isn’t a problem to classify people according to groups. As a result of workshops, discussions, and bonds created during games, they will understand who is more compatible with them.

The learning begins with talks and lectures that are designed to help singles understand what human nature is, with what intensity egoistic inclinations are discovered, and how much we depend upon the opinion of the environment, in other words, that we are compelled to submit to our internal impulses and societal pressures. Our behavior is determined by habits that we get through previous education. We must try to see what habits we are woven from and understand that the person standing in front of you is a complex personality of countless habits, and that I cannot “turn” him according to my desire.

After all, each of us expects that our partner will react exactly like we do at every moment in life and will behave like I want, but I must understand the other person and agree that, within each of us, there are a set of different human images to which I must accommodate myself or else I will not be able to be connected with him. In this way, I begin to discover flexibility regarding the other, building something compatible to both of us at every moment within all of his and my internal patterns. That is how we learn the simplest sociology of human behavior and that of any human society.

We must act exactly this way, for all of nature seeks balance, connection, and accommodation to equivalence of form at every moment. In the general system, everything depends on how much the components and the integration of the components become compatible with each other, until a homogeneous society is attained. Each is left with his freedom, yet he knows how to accommodate himself to everyone else. The general consensus depends upon this.

That same general rule operates within the family as well. That is what we must teach everyone. It is appropriate for the person found within the larger society as well as for familial peace. The same rules apply everywhere.

To establish a family, everyone must be a psychologist. We have no choice! We are facing a situation where we cannot connect between us in any other way. Previously, this connection was a natural connection as it is with animals, but we are no longer on the animate level. We have risen to the new level of Adam (Man). So, we must learn to build seemingly artificial connections that are not derived from our nature.

Man is not an egoistic and primitive creature. He must complement his egoism so that he will not alienate others but will reach connection with them. To do this, it is up to me to constantly concede a bit of my ego to make it possible for others to intrude my space, and my partner makes it possible for me to penetrate his space. Then we establish a connection between us.

I am one circle, and my partner is another circle. We begin to bring our circles closer together so that each one of us penetrates into a common segment, even though this is still a small segment. We then examine this common territory and make sure that we constantly maintain it between us. This is only possible though negating myself.
[132409]
From KabTV’s “A New Life” 6/9/13

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Comment: In today’s society there is such a convention that people enter into an intimate connection very rapidly after the first meeting. And there is a huge omission. In the public mind the sexual revolution is perceived as permissive.

Answer: And that is why we don’t get pleasure from sex. There is some kind of social convention that permits entering into very rapid intimate connection after barely meeting and knowing nothing about each another. And then we are missing all that immense supplement that leads to an explosion of the senses.

After all, what happens after the pair attains sexual satisfaction? It’s all done and nothing remains. That is how nature forces us to add an emotional component to this act, and if it is missing, we leave it empty. A moment later, our thoughts are already somewhere else. Maybe, we already are thinking about some other connection.

Fulfillment is possible only if we build such a system of relationship where the sexual act only complements it and is not performed only to satisfy the lowest level of a beastly urge. We must learn to love! First, it is up to us to build a common system of connections, mutual concession, mutual understanding, and pleasant contacts.

These are the systems that make it possible for one to feel the person internally and to learn how to bring him pleasure, and he will feel what I enjoy, what gives me pleasure. This is not talking about sex here. Rather, this is about all kinds of connections between us.

It is nice for us to be together, nice to talk, to see each other, nice to taste something that someone else offers, which is to say that these are all kinds of human expressions through which we can enjoy one another.

To love others as I do myself, I must first understand what his needs are and try to fulfill them, and my partner learns my needs and fulfills them. He must feel pleasure from me, and I want to enjoy him. When a connection like this is created between us in which each one is found within the other and fulfills the others’ needs, we already can reach an intimate closeness. It also indicates that we are found one within the other and are fulfilling our partner.

We are people with many talents, involved with a variety of things, and don’t always require attention from each other. Nevertheless, there is a latent need in each one of us that can be awakened at any moment and satisfied through a few tender words or a touch.

Question: I understand this technique, but nice words don’t always touch someone’s heart. What must I do to touch that inner point within a partner that is waiting secretly for my attention?

Answer: We start from afar, with soft words, to stimulate the person. This is the same approach as in every other kind of human relationship, not only between couples. You try to provide fulfillment and love for the partner.

“Courting” means that, first of all, I learn to understand who the person is with the help of all kinds of small and short checks, careful attempts. That is how I find the sensitive points in him so that, when I touch them, I can give him enjoyment. I must develop my relationship with these sensitive points and expand them more and more.

Through exercises like these, I awaken within the person a need for my attention. I continue to fulfill him: I say nice words to him, give some gift, discover concern and attention, and, in this way, I gradually get the person used to these fulfillments, just as I would tame an animal. Each one of us is built like that. Thanks to this, I form a need for fulfillment in him, for my good relationship with him.

Here, I stop my actions a bit, and then begin to fulfill my partner again—stop a bit, fulfill again. In this way I ignite him and awaken in him an even greater desire. This is the game that we play with one another. This is the game between two loving people who know how to keep their love on a low flame so that at any moment it will be possible to ignite it into a large flame.

This requires skill. I cannot repeat the same stock phrases, but I must adjust myself precisely to the desires of my partner. However, even that is not enough. After I adjust myself, I must begin to develop the desire, expanding it all the time through fulfillment. This is until habit becomes second nature. Then, my wife will feel such a strong need for my relationship towards her, and I feel the same thing about her.

So, it follows that we are building a common area between us. My need is built within her, and her need is built within me. This common area where we depend upon each other is the territory of our love.
[132948]
From KabTV’s “A New Life” 6/9/13

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Question: Who hasn’t fallen in love in his life? Powerful forces are hidden in this feeling. These are forces that move all of us and activate an entire chain of inner drives. Within these states of ebb and flow are included various components we do not know how to work correctly with.

On the one hand, falling in love is a strong sexual urge, and on the other hand, it is a deeper feeling, love, something that requires a more intimate and internal feeling.

What is love composed of? Which colors are found in its spectrum? What causes this diamond to sparkle, and how do we refine it so that it will sparkle more and not fade? It seems that if people don’t learn this, they will continue to sink into the obstacle course that a shared life presents to them.

Today, as in all areas of life, even love has been hurled into a crisis, and we begin to understand that basically love is an art that we must acquire. We lack the skills for love.

Answer: First of all, it is necessary to define what love is. After all, what we consider to be “love” is, in fact, a sexual drive that awakens from within and demands satisfaction, as in all animals.

The feeling of falling in love is not connected to true love. It is no accident that it is written in the Torah, “… shall not wander after your hearts and after your eyes…” (Numbers 15:39). This is not love.

This type of general crisis was caused by our beginning to call the sexual drive, “love.” As is understood, it is necessary to satisfy it, but, in any case, the sexual drive is like the rest of the drives for food, family, money, respect, control, and knowledge.

The typical sexual drive is unique in the human species. With animals, it is dictated by seasons for reproduction or other limitations and is designed only for the continuation of the species, whereas, with us, it is not connected to the seasons of the year, for after all, a person transcends the natural life cycles and, in general, is disconnected from nature.

One way or another, this passion develops together with us and takes on different forms according to historical periods. For example, in ancient times, homosexuality was fashionable, but later religion wrote its own laws in this area.

In principle, what motivates our development is the ego that has grown from generation to generation. Accordingly, sexual desire began to burn in us more and more, together with additional impulses in all kinds of directions. Over time, we really have changed our egoistic desires for personal pleasure to various degrees.

Yet, today, the situation already has worsened. We no longer are prepared to live with one another for a long period of time. Statistically, after a number of years pass, something like an explosive is created between us, leading to an inevitable explosion and severing of the connection.

So, in our day, public opinion is inclined toward the possibility of living without a family or replacing it after a particular period of time, and with this the wasted familial potential is renewed from time to time. Also, what must be taken into account is that we live twice as long as they lived in previous centuries, and this brings additional problems.

Yet, in fact, there is no connection between sex and a true family, between sex and true love. Sex, itself, is only a physical drive. If I understand myself correctly, then, when I am guided by this drive on the background of the values of society, I notice some “object” appropriate for me to “unload.”

Whatever we might call this dominance by hormones, of course, we are not speaking about love, which we want to associate with sex. Sex is basically a drive that has its place in normal life.

However, if we want to talk about love, it is irrelevant to what we are used to imagining to ourselves about sex, but it is indeed relevant to family.

Question: Is love completely separate from our previous concepts or is it built as a new layer above them?

Answer: Sex will be connected to love, but love is created without any connection to hormones. Specifically in this way, we can create something positive, powerful, deep, and eternal.

Question: In other words, it is a continuous and powerful connection of loving hearts that do not start from “hormonal passion”?

Answer: Right, we are talking about an absolutely different way to connect that need to be taught about developing new relationships formed above our ego, above our desires. This is a passion for an inner connection with a person who becomes a friend to you, a true friend, someone who gives you his shoulder, reassurance, and understanding, completing and accompanying you forever.

However, this is on condition that this connection is eternal and not “replaced” by other alternatives that simultaneously exist—as happens in sexual relationships—that today are subject to momentary impulses and free from obligations. Love cannot dwell above them. On the contrary, only when there is true love, an inner connection between people, is it possible to connect sexual closeness to it.

Question: Does this mean that sexual values are derived from a general course of development like every other human passion?

Answer: Of course. For example, our nourishment today is absolutely different from the nourishment that people consumed 100 or 200 years ago. In the past, people ate simple things, whereas, in our day, the average family sets a table that kings would have envied and enjoys an unprecedented range of products.

Question: The data of today truly makes it possible to define passion as hormonal stimulation as a result of which the person is “ignited” by someone.

Answer: Some are used to connecting with a particular partner. Others, on the contrary, are not prepared to reach sexual satisfaction with the same partner. According to his nature, someone requires several partners or a new partner all the time; that is how he is constructed. It is not possible to uproot this inclination.

We are witness to these deviations, to various differences that already are considered normal and legitimate today.

By and large, this speaks about a corporeal characteristic that must be satisfied like hunger. Therefore, society must be constructed so that it is possible for a person to satisfy these kinds of corporeal needs just like his needs for nourishment.

Question: If so, how must congenital or acquired characteristics of a person be integrated with environmental influence?

Answer: The environment influences only the form of expression of natural desires. For example, someone prefers a vegetarian diet from birth, someone else prefers grains, a third prefers fish, and so on. The influence of the environment cannot really change innate tastes that are conditioned by physiology and even connected to typical characteristics of the person.

Similarly, the sexual drive is mostly genetically determined, and external influences essentially cannot change its form of expression. A person’s nature determines his sexual habits exactly like his dietary habits.

However, regarding the degree of the growth of the desires, the environment can influence them more, and acquired habits become second nature in diet, sex, familial relationships, and so on.

However, ultimately, I put all of this to the side. I attribute this to the corporeal characteristics of a person and don’t grant them further significance. They are inevitably conditioned by our physiology. Desires can be increased or reduced through the injection of hormones. There was a time when it was very difficult for me to accept this, yet, ultimately, I absorbed the physical aspect of the emotions and sensations that all of us experience.

I suppose that these insights are lacking in the youth of today and not only for them. This is talking about things that are absolutely clear, scientific facts. However, we don’t want to know about them. Perhaps, it is because we prefer a mysterious vagueness instead of unequivocal truth. After all, then the value of a multitude of books and Hollywood movies would be negated. It is pleasant for people to connect the concept of love with the sexual drive.

Question: Let’s go back to the right relationship with a partner who can become, as you said, a faithful partner.

Answer: This is a partner of the opposite sex, both physically and mentally. I feel that we complete each other. Yet, this is not a sexual desire, and I am cannot complete it with a partner of the same sex.

A man can become a dear friend. “Haver – חבר“ (friend) is derived from the word “Chibur – חיבור” (connection), and in these relationships love is different, the love of friends. However, here, this is talking about love that is supported by nature itself. After all, together with my partner for life, I complete everything that is connected to food, sex and the family. Moreover, along with this person, I acquire money, respect, and knowledge. Therefore, I materialize all of my inner desires in a mutual connection that is absorbed with true and deep love.

Love is a space in which I acquire the correct form for my desires, and that is the place for my wife (or husband), and in a wider sense, love is a mutual inner connection between people. When I have friends and am connected, linked to them internally, then a sensation is developed between us and takes us over, which is called love. If I want to give pleasure to another, satisfy his desires and needs, if I am ready for this, it is a sign that I love him, and in general, the feeling is mutual.

Question: Going back to the connection between a man and woman, you are describing a very intimate connection between the partners.

Answer: It is a connection that is so full and stable that a third person cannot enter into this area. No one sees the embrace of souls. No one can feel how much they are woven together, are absorbed in each other. This is a particular type of physical closeness that is copied onto the level of the soul.

Essentially, the physical coupling must awaken in us the need for this “game,” to search for each other’s desires, to awaken an appetite for internal connection. This romance between souls obliges me to understand what my partner would like to receive from me. How can I provide that, to help him? How we can search together, one within the other, for the living tools without which we feel empty?

All of this is happening precisely in the emotions on the level of the soul and not between bodies.

Question: Psychologists call this connection “romantic love.”

Answer: Their romantic love is based on hormones, whereas we are the opposite. First, we cultivate true emotion and, after that, add the hormonal aspect to it.

On the other hand, we actually turn to people in whom a physical connection already exists. So, it is up to us to deepen and expand the existing connection as is customary in the world, to convey “threads” from one heart to another heart.

Question: So, let’s move from the first outburst of emotion, from the arousal of falling in love, to relationships that have stabilized later. In these relationships, there are two components: sexual passion and a desire to strengthen a more intimate connection.

Answer: I suppose that this is a very fragile desire that comes with the spirit of romantic movies. People don’t understand that, in order to truly realize it, one must invest enormous strength, mutual understanding and kill the ego within them to make it possible for the partner to enter me and as well as gently penetrate him.

Question: How is a deep and intimate connection created between two people? Where does one begin?

Answer: Here, there is a need for educational talks about human nature and psychology as well as about our soul, about the constant yearning for deeper love, where it comes from and why. After all, passion is characteristic only of the human species.

These explanations are integrated with workshops that reinforce the understanding of the material and arouse people to an inner search so that they would try to build the tools, the yearning for love, in themselves.

I want him truly to love me, with the soul, so that my partner would enter inside, would be filled, understand me, envelop me with concern, support me, and strengthen me like a mother who constantly is concerned about her small child. I expect that he would discover more and more possibilities of giving me pleasure, bringing me a sensation of security, a warm embrace—in brief, inner fulfillment.

Yet, on the other hand, as it is written, “…you shall love your neighbor as yourself…” (Leviticus 19:18), which is to say that I also need to develop the same attitude toward my partner, understand that the same passion, the same need, burns within him, only it is discovered every time in a different form. After all, in spite of it all, we are different people as well as of a different sex. Yet, in principle, the approach is identical. Both of us want the same thing, yet each one wants it in his way.

So, in workshops when I turn to the partner according to the principle, “You shall love your neighbor as yourself,” we examine how to realize this, how to discover this passion in the other, how one can penetrate into the other. This is not a crude invasion. Rather, I slide inward to fill the empty void. More correctly, I open it. I express desire like an appetite before a meal.

That is how each one examines this sensation within himself and tries to understand it in the other, and, suddenly, thanks to our mutual work, we discover spaces inside, vast spaces, which are the soul.

This is the greatest passion of the human species, to reduce the beastly level that requires corporeal, earthly traditional pleasures. This is what we need, and, if a person is ready to satisfy this desire in another while getting the satisfaction of his desire from him in return, then no needs, desires, or other inner voids remain for him. After all, in this way, he acquires full satisfaction. That is how we are built.

So, all of the problems of humanity—terror, wars, power struggles, arrogance, conflicts, all of this—result from our not being prepared to discover the inner spaces of love, abandoning them like empty, dark caves deep within the depths of the soul. If we begin to solve this problem, then we will provide a complete solution for everything. The key for success is specifically hidden here, and, as a result of using it, all other problems are resolved: wars, conflicts, perversions, and so forth.

We don’t need to wander anymore around the endless shelves of products for the ego, endlessly becoming confused by its whims. Instead, we begin to be involved with the main thing. We acquire a higher art, we build a higher culture that will give us everything. We begin to understand each other. We begin to look at people differently. After all, if love of friends or the partner burns within a person, he looks completely different, and this completely changes the relationships between us.

It is written, “…love covers all transgressions” (Proverbs 10:12). In our society, there are many defects and problems from which many people flee to drugs, sinking into depression and even commit suicide. For all of these transgressions, love is ready to cover them. Yet, this is only true love and not sex. Sex is only a short and negative stimulus that brings with it many related problems.

As is understood, I am not against sex. Rather, I am only drawing a picture of the situation that has been created today.

Question: Therefore, the art of love is ready to make humanity bloom anew and raise it to a new level of mutual connection between people. What about the relationship with a life partner? How can I and he/she learn this art?

Answer: I imagine myself as an infant in the hands of his mother. Specifically, love and concern are the key foundation for our growth, and, on the contrary, children who lack this have problems in their development and even their health. The relationship determines everything. We grow from the sensation of love, and here I lie in the hands of my mother, not understanding anything and not knowing anything, like a small animal, yet already feeling love.

When I imagine this situation in a workshop, I begin to describe the same thing. How is this? Which spaces are filled in me? I go deeper into myself and say what love is, without sparing words and feelings. I don’t just define love. Rather, I also pull on this thread and discover it more and more.

And then, this inner observation and self-study will reveal to me that the same voids, the same needs for an attitude of love and concern, are also in my partner, and then I begin to fulfill them like a mother.

So, with the help of a series of workshops, we discover what the sensation of love is. It comes to be expressed in the other, fulfilling for me all of the inner voids, desires, and passions that I used to feel as emptiness and dissatisfaction.

The infant is born with a desire. He wants them to take care of him. Following this, he feels the love of his mother and is relaxed by her hands, even though it would seem that, principally, nothing has changed. He yearns for her smell. He stops crying and softens.

All of this is because the need for love and relationship is born together with us and comes to be expressed already in the lap of the mother, and, now in the first workshops, it is up to me to understand, to clarify those same desires that I can satisfy only with the help of the concern of relatives: love. I want to find out about the negative sensations within me, the empty voids, the unsatisfied desires and the deficiencies that demand fulfillment. I search only for what I am lacking and that only can be received from others.

This is just like how a small child needs his mother and nothing will take her place. This is a sign that love is the main thing that we lack, even as adults. All of life, from beginning to end, needs to be accompanied by the sensation of love.

However, we block the flow of love because we haven’t been concerned about its existence. As I grow, I require less and less care by my mother, and so I naturally distance myself from her, and here it must be understood that, to the degree that we distance ourselves from our parents, it is up to us to nurture in children and youths a desire and a need for a true and deep connection whose name is love.

Society, my partner and my relationship to the entire universe, the nature of the still, the vegetative, animate, and humanity, all of this, essentially should give me a sensation of motherly concern. It is not for nothing that we call nature a mother. That is how the surrounding world should treat me.

By perceiving a person in a workshop, how he is ignited, we consider what it is like to be an infant in the hands of his mother and, after that, grow by her side. What does she give me? How does she warm me and allow me to have a sensation of security? How does she take care of me and prepare everything for me that I am not ready to do for myself? It is still too early for me to eat solid food, so she prepares porridge for me. I cannot bathe, so she bathes me, and so on.

That is how concern for others comes to be expressed first of all in why I can’t do something for myself. That is how I discover the need, the continuous lack in relation to the warmth and concern of relatives, a relationship that I never would be able to provide for myself alone. I will not be able to fill the gaping void inside; only others can take care of that.

I want them to cherish me, to appreciate me. I want to feel special, wonderful. All of this can only be drawn from the environment. Otherwise, when we don’t receive this favor, we suffer all of our lives.

We don’t get any favor as soon as the environment doesn’t make up for the separation from the mother through the partner or the friends. In ancient tribes, people compensated for this deficiency. The child grew up in a large family and received a ceaseless relationship of love and concern from it, and, therefore, people were then much more whole, natural, and relaxed. Yet, their desires were also smaller.

However, this is not so with us. We are more defective, lack more, are found without essential fulfillment that society doesn’t provide to us, beginning from childhood. In contrast to the ancient tribes, beginning from the period of the tower of Babel, society developed egoistically and following that, created a great deficiency of love in us. The growing ego brought this emptiness to us.

This is the reason that Abraham came to a humanity that was beginning to be divided under the pressure of the egoistic drives and said, “…you shall love your neighbor as yourself.” In this way, you will be fulfilled. You will complete everything.

Question: Isn’t this approach contrary to uniqueness and individuality?

Answer: No, on the contrary, everyone discovers within himself a greater space, becoming even more unique. Returning to unity between us preserves the uniqueness and individuality of everyone. The individual remains and blossoms under conditions of traditional care that makes it possible for him to discover a stronger desire for love from those close to him.

In fact, when examining the inner voids, I discover that only all of humanity can fulfill them for me. Through the initial contact with the partner, I discover new desires through the environment of friends, the community and the entire world. My love expands. It is supported still by the basic familial relationships, yet already reaches global dimensions. It is logical that I am living specifically in a space that opens for me with a new sensation of mutual concern.

This is truly living, mutual love, threads that connect the hearts. This is no longer my private space. After all, here I experience bestowal from outside, and from here I bring bestowal to everyone. I love them as myself. This reciprocity is maintained. Otherwise, I would not feel them, nor would they feel me.

So, love for others becomes fulfillment for me. The more that I love those who are close to me, the more that I bring them abundance, the more I am fulfilled. Our relationships become one complete thing, and there is no longer any difference between my love for them and their love for me. This is now the property of all.

Then, our inner spaces begin to connect, both their emptiness and their fulfillment, and the physical needs like food or sex become accompaniments and no more than that.

Ultimately, the person doesn’t feel any detachment. His desires grow quantitatively and qualitatively, and the society provides for them. As a result of this, he is devoted to society, loving everyone, and when he receives abundance from them by himself, he bestows that to those around him. There is no alienation. There is no cheating. There is no hatred. Everything flows naturally since love like this leaves no place for doing anything against the society. This sensation conquers us, dominates us, not by force, but by itself.

Question: I sense the emptiness inside of me, understand that it yearns for love, and only a true partner can fulfill it. What is next?

Answer: First of all, this speaks about the most natural, closest partner to me. In our relationships, everything depends on us, on the manner in which we develop our mutual connection absorbed in love.

So, first, I discover a void within me egoistically when I want it to be filled for me. Yet, after that, I begin to understand that the void will be filled only on the basis of mutual relationships. This means that I need to express the same attitude toward my partner.

Then, suddenly, it is discovered that when I am concerned about him, I also get pleasure from this myself. That is how we are found in a process of learning and common development.

A mother feels immense pleasure when she takes care of her baby. She has nothing more desirable, more sublime, or better. This is love. I am concerned for someone and get satisfaction, fulfillment, and stimulation from this, a unique feeling that doesn’t make it possible for me to be detached from concern for the person who is loved.

So, only on a foundation of inner emptiness, an inner drive toward love that I yearn to receive from the other, it is up to me to develop the same relationship toward him. This is the principle of, “You shall love your neighbor as yourself,” and, when we begin to work on its realization correctly, I feel that the truth is that I get pleasure not in a situation where I lie like a baby in loving hands, but when I bring love to others.
[134031]
From KabTV’s “A New Life” 6/23/13

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Question: I would like to ask about how to win a man’s heart, how can I buy his heart?

Answer: A woman begins by letting a man understand that she loves him, admires him for being great, clever, and a hero. She encourages him like a small child.

A child and a grown man are exactly the same when it comes to this. They should constantly be given the feeling that they are strong, great, and clever. The only one in the world!

Thus, a woman ties him to her, like a puppy with a leash. He will follow her wherever she goes because he needs her admiration like a breath of air. This is how you tie a man.

In addition, she begins to gradually tame him, by teaching and showing him in different ways what she likes and what she doesn’t. He is constantly interested in getting a confirmation that she encourages, loves, and appreciates him. So he should understand that he will receive all that only if he treats her the way she likes; I am revealing all the secrets to you now…

A woman begins to convey to a man her impressions of him based on the way he behaves towards her. Thus, she teaches him how to treat her by showing him what pleases her, which in return invokes actions on her part that will be pleasant for him.

Question: How can I make him feel great and at the same time not annul myself? How can I make him feel that he is the king as long as I am the queen?

Answer: This is too difficult and too obliging. A man doesn’t want a queen by his side. She needs to appreciate him without any preconditions, like a mother treats her son. A mother always loves and appreciates her son regardless of how he behaves.

If a woman tells a man that he is great, he is really great and not on condition that she is great. If he is clever, it isn’t because she is clever. Her appreciation of him has to be independent, but no one will tell him the words that she tells him and so he will be tied to her.

Then she begins to set conditions. If he does something wrong she already shows her dissatisfaction and her face saddens. He is very sensitive to her mood since he wants to see her appreciation each time and to feel that he is a man, macho, and if not strong then clever and if not clever then a hero.

If she shows him that he saddens her by his attitude and therefore she cannot appreciate him and expresses her impression like he is used to, he will begin to look for a way to win her admiration in order to keep on receiving her continuous praise.

A man needs compliments more than a woman does. This is how you get him used to the right and good attitude. Then he really gets used to it and treats the woman the way she wants and according to what she likes—proper treatment, respect, and appreciation. He doesn’t actually appreciate her but her attitude towards him. This is how we buy each other’s heart and that’s the only thing we need.

So we don’t need anything special in advance for love to flourish in a family. We simply need to feel good being with one another, to see one another, to touch, to eat the food that the other has prepared, to court one another. Everything else is established as a result of a game.
[133235]
From KabTV’s “A New Life” 6/9/13

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Question: In the past men used to court women for a long time, but today this custom has practically disappeared. Does that mean anything with regard to establishing a solid relationship with a woman?

Answer: Today there is hardly any courtship. There is a certain attitude that I would call flirting, reaching out to connect, but not courting.

Therefore, we have to take into account all the mutual psychological elements here. In order to establish a deep relationship, we have to start from a distance, from internal intersections, understanding, and mutuality. There is no need to rush. The need for connection should be given time to develop and to acquire more nuances.

We shouldn’t rush into physical contact. If it occurs it should be the eruption of a fully ripe desire. If not, it is a great miss of all the flitting connections that are so typical of our time.

This is the reason that people start a relationship and immediately breakup and then start another one and break up again. This goes on continuously as if they are looking for something new each day, but in fact there is nothing new here since a person doesn’t even see who he starts a relationship with.

A physical connection should first be internal so that one should feel how one’s partner enjoys and also that he/she wants me to enjoy. Then we feel how love erupts in this mutual connection in which we delight one other. Then everything connects: our feelings, sex, and even the mind.

The mind allows one to feel one’s partner to the depth of his/her personality and allows him/her to feel me. When we physically touch one another we connect through this intimate connection in the same feeling. Sex is the lowest level of sensing. There are five levels of sensing: sight, hearing, smell, taste, and feeling.

Feeling is the lowest level of sensing through the skin and this actually sums up the essence of sexual relations. After all, what is sex? We simply rub against each other, but thanks to additional feelings such as our desire to delight one another, we raise sex from the most primitive level to the top, to the level of Keter, to the most exalted pleasure. Therefore, sexual relations are considered the greatest pleasure in this world.

When can sexual relations be considered the greatest pleasure? Only when we can raise them to the level of the internal connection, otherwise, it remains a simple feeling on the lowest level.

There are many instruments today by which both men and women can reach sexual satisfaction even without a partner. If they don’t need anything from the other, when there is no need for the inner connection, it isn’t a problem to find a mechanical substitute for a partner.
[132942]
From KabTV’s “A New Life” 6/9/13

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Question: If we want to talk with the wider public about the subject of the family, from what is it preferable to begin the conversation in the introductory lecture?

Answer: It is absolutely preferable to begin the conversation with an explanation about the nature of men and the nature of women, for this provides a certain foundation. But it is worthwhile to open the explanation about their nature from a distance. This is a very serious topic.

First of all, one must explain that a family is not built on love, but on mutual respect, completion of each other, friendship, and mutual help, yearning to understand the other, and the main and most important thing upon which the family is built is mutual concession.

A true connection between a man and a woman is built on mutual concession. In no way or manner do we correct the partner; we don’t try to talk about his faults; rather, we accept him as he is and try to become someone who completes him.

A person is an egoistic entity who is directed towards self-benefit within himself. When someone else is next to him and he cannot exploit him at every moment for his own benefit, it is as if he accumulates electrical charges and then sparks begin to “fly” between them, for the other is also an egoist.

Can we exist together in peace in a situation like this? For a particular period, when love dazzles us, we are full of happiness and ready for anything. Yet when this passes and the veil of love falls from our eyes, I notice that I am living next to an egoist like me, even though I thought that everything would be for me and for my sake and things would be good and pleasant with my other half. Yet suddenly everything is the opposite. So it is necessary to arrange everything differently, not under the influence of the insanity of love that stupefies us, but with the sanity of knowledge.

How can we co-exist peacefully? So gradually we bring people to begin to discuss the complicated relationship between them neutrally, discussing them only as physiology.

They must not look at a particular family, but generally clarify what a family is, what a human being is, and this will take them away from themselves, will take them outside, since if there is a problem like this for everyone, they are talking about a general problem. They lower the internal tension between them and move to philosophy, where they talk generally and discover the nature of a man and woman.

They are similar in some ways and different in some ways. They are similar in that they are both egoists, and they are different in that the ego is expressed in a different way in each of them according to each of their hormonal and psychological systems.

After that we can go on to the next problem, the problem of marriage. Marriage is a covenant; it is a complementary covenant: I need her and she needs me.

When we understand this, it will be clear to us that the essence of our nature is reception: I always want to receive from the partner. That is how we begin to teach people the fundamentals of the wisdom of Kabbalah.

There is no provocation here! I want clean clothes, dinner to be ready, a tidy dwelling. And my partner wants to see a man in the house, a husband, and a father with everything that is involved with that. Is it possible to satisfy the demands of the partner? Do we want to do that?

Since in general both of us are working, we have children, particular obligations after work (the bank, shopping, and so forth), is it objectively possible to demand from our partner the fulfillment of all of our demands?

If we see the list of mutual demands, then we understand that, in fact, we never knew each other. I didn’t understand what she wanted from me; after all, this is not my nature. She never told me anything; rather, she expected that I would guess it by myself.

That is how we show people that the problem in a family is that we are egoists—each one of us sits and waits for the other to fulfill him, even when he doesn’t say anything to him about this. So he is constantly hurt in anticipation of when his partner will finally understand him.

This way is completely wrong. Let’s not begin from approaching each other from a distance according to the list of demands: I concede – she concedes, I do something for her – she does something for me. Even if we see each other’s lists, we cannot hold onto them.

Let’s do this more simply: We begin to concede and to please each other, we transform into friends who help each other. I think about what to do for her, she thinks about what to do for me; we begin to play a game called, “the method of mutual concessions.” This is a game, but we enter it. Each one thinks about how to give to the partner what he would now want to get from me.

If we communicate in a format like this, then we begin to educate and to internalize within us this habit of mutual connection, and as a result of this something called “mutual love” is created between us. This is not the same love where we kissed by starlight, but love that appears on a basis of mutual concessions. We build it in ourselves and then we create something shared, not “he” and “she,” but something called a “family” or a “couple.”

The main thing here is to show the partner that even though I am boiling with anger and disagreement with him, I make an effort to turn to him calmly, as if nothing happened.

The concessions are carried out through rising above my ego. And I don’t hide this in order to teach the other, to provide him with an example. And if one of the partners is not ready to rise above himself, the other must help him.

The person must transform into someone who includes within him at least two images. One image is that at the present time I am hating my other half. Yet on the other hand, in spite of that, I relate to her correctly, well, nicely, and then she sees that I am rising above myself.

We must play with this. We have no other choice for saving the family. The ego has grown. If not now, then in a few more years people will not be able to live with each other. They must enter into this image and experience it so that an impression from it will remain in them.

After that we give them homework: until tomorrow don’t say a bad word to the other, rather smile and get pleasure from the inner ascent and the struggle with oneself.

After all they get pleasure, first of all from subduing themselves; and second, through this they connect with others, which gives them additional pleasure that they didn’t experience before. In other words, they get a spiritual component here.

A family is a mass that is created following mutual concessions, and as a result of them they produce a connection that is called “love.” Love is created only when we understand how it is up to us to complete each other and try to do that.

What does “And you shall love your friend as yourself” mean? I take her desires and try to fulfill them. She takes my desires and tries to fulfill me.

But we don’t talk to them about this; rather, we simply bring them to mutual concessions, to actions according to the wisdom of Kabbalah in the framework of the family.

Gradually our former nature disappears somewhere inside and on it is built a layer of a new mutual relationship with each other, which becomes our common achievement, a possession, a family treasure. After that, from it love is born. This is called true love: “And you shall love your friend as yourself.”
[136305]
From A Talk on “Family” 5/28/14

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Question: You say that members of the family should always make concessions. How can that be implemented?

Answer: You should understand one thing: I cannot give anyone any advice. There is only the correct expression of the condition according to which a family can prosper and that is if the couple constantly makes mutual concessions.

Everyone understands that if this were possible, then everything would be fine. But how can you hold yourself in this current? It is only if we are surrounded by the right environment with the right social attitude constantly supporting one another like the warmth of the family hearth.

If we are constantly supported by positive examples on TV, on the Internet, and in talks with people, then we will also begin to see similar relations between couples on the street and in other public places, and then we will feel the inner need to be equivalent and similar to society.

But if instead we see pictures of rudeness and disrespect, it will lead to nothing good. Sometimes in search for materials that interest me I switch to the Russian channels on TV and watch comedies. I can’t stand them since they are intended to humiliate, insult, and suppress someone and to emphasize the inequality between people and the negative attributes of men and women. This is bad humor that is intended to degrade the family.

I see how thousands of people sit and laugh without understanding the ideas about the family that they absorb through it. A person thinks that he simply is having a good time laughing, but he doesn’t know that subconsciously he receives a very bad lesson about family life. He sees that this is acceptable and that it is possible to behave that way and that everyone acts that way, and he does the same.

After all, we are born empty and like a computer we are constantly filled by all sorts of programs according to which we operate. Therefore, we should think about how we can create the right environment so that people will understand what the correct family life is. Otherwise, the rate of divorce will increase and we see where this is all headed.

Question: Does that mean that we have to create an oasis that will provide us with stability in the flowing current of information that destroys us?

Answer: Of course. After all, there are diet courses and psychology courses and other support courses in which you enter a group and the group guides you to behave in a certain way. You see how others do it and you follow their example.

It is the same here. But I am doubtful if a group will help here since the relations in the family change from one minute to the next, every second, and we are constantly submerged in that. Therefore, we need a wider environment that operates continuously.
[136813]
From the Talk on the Subject of “Family” 5/28/14

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