Answer: You are simply not aware of how much you depend on receiving pleasure and that you must have it. You don’t determine whether you want pleasures or not. Now you are simply in a state that you are not attracted to any pleasure.
But don’t say that this is your own will. You are given certain feelings and calculations at the moment and the next moment everything can be reversed. We have to learn what we are made of so that eventually we will be able to understand and use it.
If my intention is bestowal, like the intention of the Light, if I can connect to others in the group in order to attain bestowal, and through the group reach the Creator, then I will really turn into a spiritual vessel that bestows upon the Light. On the whole, there is nothing but the Light and a vessel. But I will be able to bestow upon the Light in my turn only if I yearn to be on its wavelength.
If I simply receive, it is a sign that I am on such levels of development in which the Light fully controls me in every respect. But if I yearn for bestowal even a little, then I already begin to bestow, not upon the Light itself, but on the way I perceive the Light. If I can be in a state of to bestow in order to bestow, which means to relate to others and to the Creator that way, although I don’t actively participate in His revelation, I am in the Light and am not an obstacle for it in any way.
I am a kind of a small material ball that is in the middle of the ocean, swimming freely in the water, not floating and not sinking to the bottom of the sea. And so even if the material rises or sinks a bit, it isn’t a foreign body.
But is it possible that I could use my power that is in my connection with others with the intention of in order to bestow?
But it may happen that I can no longer use my power that is in my connection with others with the intention of in order to bestow when I reveal the hatred towards others in me, a great desire to receive in relation to the group, which I didn’t even suspect earlier.
Before, I had an egoistic desire on a beastly level that had nothing to do with spirituality. But when I begin to connect in the group, I first lose myself in it. This is called the transition in the level of Bina, to bestow in order to bestow (Hafetz Hesed).
When I begin to take an active part in the group, I discover hatred towards it, the evil, my ego. In fact, all this exists not toward the group, but toward the attribute of bestowal itself, meaning toward the Creator. It is only felt in me, in my perception that it is toward the group. The group doesn’t exist separately from me. It is my own revelation that reveals to me my attitude towards the Creator.
It only seems to me that I work with in relation to the group, but actually I work in relation to the Creator. Hatred is the left line, which I overcome, and thus I begin to work in receiving in order to bestow.
I cannot skip any level, and I must go through all the necessary stages. This is an obligatory development. The Creator is concealed, and the group is concealed at first, and there is only me and my animal nature until I rise above this beast and understand that it is bestowal that is the source of pleasure.
Thus I rise to bestowal in order to receive and then gradually I move on to bestowal in order to bestow, from zero to one hundred per cent. It all depends on my calculations.
From the 1st part of the Daily Kabbalah Lesson 3/2/12, Shamati #35