Entries in the 'Family' Category

Love Exists Only Above Egoism

Dr. Michael LaitmanQuestion: If I correct myself to the extent that I can love my husband unconditionally, no matter what he is like, would I still see his shortcomings?

Answer: If I ask the force from above to correct me and help me see my spouse without any conditions, then I see him completely corrected. This is called “Love will cover all crimes.”

Similarly, a mother does not see any flaws in her child since to he is the best, smartest, and most attractive.

Question: So I rise above my displeasure of a certain quality of my husband, ask to correct my attitude to love, and then suddenly it seems good to me?

Answer: The only way to come to love is by correcting yourself. I am not trying to overlook my partner’s flaws and deceive myself, but I rise above them, as I want to love him as he is.

But correction needs to start with love of friends. Until we begin to correct the relationships between all of us, we will not be able to correct the relationships within a family. This is why the institution of the family is falling apart and will continue to deteriorate further. It will come to the point where children will be killing their parents, and parents will be devouring their own children in the most literal sense.

Comment: But people are seeking romantic love, not love of friends.

Answer: This is because people are looking for material, egoistic love, which they will never find. Love exists only above egoism, and one should look for it inside oneself.

There is no need to look for an attractive object to love. The moment I realize what true love is, I should look for a partner who also understands how to achieve it.

And in that case, it does not matter whether or not we like each other’s appearance. I would come to a wise person and tell him about my desire to marry, and he would find me a suitable partner with whom we can build a correct family.

Such spouses want to find love that is above them. This is why they are not concerned about their spouse’s face or character, but only their willingness to build a relationship of mutual love that is above all shortcomings. They understand that each one needs to correct oneself, and in that measure, they will come closer and connect.
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From KabTV’s “A New Life” 8/30/15

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A Love That Never Dies

laitman_527_03Question: Are you saying that love between a married couple is not enough and that they need to reach love between the Creator and the creature?

Answer: We don’t find any love in married couples nowadays. Our family relationships are in a state of the mournful day of the ninth of Av.

The destruction is felt in our entire lives, the relationships between parents and children, the boss and the workers, and between cabinet members as well. There is no understanding anywhere.

Question: There are many types of love, love for children, parents, close relatives, and so forth, but why is there a special romance in the love between a man and a woman?

Answer: Love is when I fulfill the desire of another person before my own desire. I need to know and feel what the other wants so that his desire becomes more important than my own.

This is the most general definition of love, but it fits all cases. The bond of marriage is just more encompassing than others since this connection includes mutual obligations, the experience of living together, knowing the partner, children in common, a common home and money, and a feeling of security and a guarantee of support in difficult times. A marriage is unification in this world with all the consequences that follow.

However, in the spiritual world, you are able to know your partner in a new way every moment. It is written that Malchut becomes a virgin again every day, and hence, a new relationship begins as if you weren’t familiar with her.

It seems that we lack this aspect in our regular life and family. If a married couple were on the spiritual level, they could renew their corporeal relationship every day.

Once, three and a half thousand years ago, the nation of Israel lived this way. Let’s hope that soon we will return to that and learn to reveal new qualities in each other every day. Then, it will be a correct, true love, which is renewed at every moment.

Meanwhile, today, in order to enliven our relationship even slightly and feel a connection, we are forced to fight. Upon making up after a fight, the flavor of love, which was dulled, is renewed.

However, it is impossible to get used to spiritual love. It changes all the time. New conditions are revealed constantly, and thus the love is rejuvenated all the time.
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From KabTV’s “A New Life” 7/30/15

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Understanding Each Other Without Words

Dr. Michael LaitmanQuestion: Is it possible to have such perfect family relations that I feel everything my partner is experiencing as if it is happening in my own body?

Answer: It is possible, and moreover, we need to achieve this mutual feeling not only in the family, but on the scale of all of humanity in order to be one person with one heart.

After all, from the very beginning we belonged to one body, one desire. All matter is desire manifesting itself in different ways at different levels. Originally only one desire was created, but then because of the fall of Adam and the breakage, we lost the ability to feel as one person.

But now we need to return to that, despite the fact that our growing egoism amplified all feelings manyfold. Complete breakage and destruction prevail between us.

But when we unite on the day of love, the 15th of Av, after all the darkness and mutual hatred that are revealed on the 9th of Av, then we will reach a magnificent unity that is 620 times more powerful than before.

Question: In a perfect spiritual family, spouses never quarrel with one another?

Answer: Together we try to uncover what kind of disagreement or misunderstanding still remains between us. But all of this happens under the rays of Light that illuminate the darkness, since the benefit of Light is attained only out of darkness.

We uncover the dark areas and understand why this darkness is necessary, for it sharpens the taste of our relationship, like pepper or mustard added to a dish.

Question: What should be the first step toward a perfect marital relationship, since we are presently as remote as the east is from the west?

Answer: Try to perceive each other as if you belong to one whole. Begin to cultivate these inner feelings within yourselves, so that each would start to feel the other as oneself. And then you will be able to feel each other together without words.
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From KabTV’s “A New Life” 7/30/15

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The Family Of The Future Is A Fusion Of Minds And Hearts

Dr. Michael LaitmanQuestion: What does an earthly family with a corrected spiritual relationship look like?

Answer: It is difficult to say since we have not yet seen such examples in our lives. For now, we are still in a state of breakage, in exile.

Therefore, since the time of Rabbi Akiva, after the destruction of the Temple, we know nothing about such families who would correspond to the corrected spiritual relationship with the Creator.

Moreover, it is written about how Kabbalists of the past suffered because of their wives who often had very difficult personalities and presented many grievances and demands. Kabbalists accepted it as inevitable and a consequence of the breakage and exile in which we exist.

A spiritual couple should feel as if it exists in one body, in common agreement and understanding, completing each other in a fusion of minds, hearts, and mutual intentions. Everything that exists in the body of the other, in their mind and heart, I accept as my own thoughts and feelings.

And these are not just nice words but are truly felt even on the most earthly, physiological level. If something is hurting in your partner, then you feel this pain in your body, even if they do not tell you about it. This is a complete union of bodies in accordance with the union of souls.

We will come to this state as soon as we begin to correct ourselves in relation to our general love for one another.
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From KabTV’s “A New Life” 7/30/15

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Love Is Paradise

Dr. Michael LaitmanQuestion: Many of my friends feel unhappy because they cannot find a suitable partner. What should one do in order to find true love?

Answer: First of all, you need to stop expecting some extraordinary qualities from others and find a person who understands how a relationship of love should be built.

Love is based only on concessions and on the fact that each yields in relation to their partner and enjoys having the opportunity to do so.

I do not demand from my partner special attention and care; on the contrary, all of my pleasure is in the fact that I am canceling myself for his or her sake.

Question: What is the pleasure in yielding to someone?

Answer: This is called love. When you give something to your child, don’t you receive great pleasure? The same can happen with respect to your spouse. You just feel that a child is closer to yourself in a natural, animal way, since you feel him as a part of yourself.

Your wife is also somewhat yours, but nevertheless she exists separately, is next to you, and has an independent opinion. But through the correction of love, this distance is erased, which is difference between my desires and her desires.

Presently, I feel only my own desire and hardly any desires of my partner. My desire is more important to me than his or hers. But it is said, “Make your desire like His, so He would make His desire like yours.” This is the condition of love.

Our desires need to unite into one. This is called adhesion. “Husband and wife, and Shechina between them,” as if we are one body. It is very simple, we only lack proper education.

To be able to love, a person needs to be brought up, educated, and prepared in special courses. There is a lack of such education for all of humanity. Until we learn how to reach such relationships, we will remain unhappy.

Question: Everyone is looking for love, but how do you convince people to attend such courses? I doubt that they will like this condition of sacrificing themselves.

Answer: This is because we are deceiving ourselves. We think that we are winning whenever we insist on taking a stand. But who benefits from this deception? We want to love and fulfill only ourselves by using our loved ones, our families. Ultimately, it brings us neither pleasure nor love.

We need to teach a person how to fulfill himself in the correct form, which is perfect and eternal. And this fulfillment is only possible by loving another, since one can always give to others and fulfill them endlessly, continuously deriving pleasure from it.

It is a continuous cycle that always comes back to me, and in this manner, I reach a feeling of absolute, eternal love, and even more—eternal life.

Since then I am not consuming myself and my environment, but on the contrary, I bring to life everyone around me with my love. Thus, I reach the feeling of unending ascent to a higher dimension, to the Garden of Eden, to eternal life. Love is paradise.

Therefore, there is no need to be searching somewhere for love, you simply need to build it.
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From KabTV’s “A New Life” 7/30/15

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What Distinguishes The Family Of The Future?

Dr. Michael LaitmanQuestion: What is the ultimate force of nature, which will operate in the future family? Is it related to religion?

Answer: It is not about religion, but about the fact that we are all connected to each other above our egoism. It is written that the Shechina (divine presence) abides between a husband and wife.

The future of the family lies in the action of the upper force of nature upon it, the force of love, unity, and mutual bestowal. In such a family we will be connected by the ties that are above our animal level.

Due to the family, a person will have more than a warm and cozy family nest where one feels safe and receives help in case of illness and old age. We will build a network of relationships between us, inside of which we will reveal the force of bestowal and love that exists above our nature.

Question: Why are there families which seemingly enjoy full material prosperity, but feel they that they lack family warmth?

Answer: It is for this reason that people divorce. They feel a void that cannot be filled by anything. The family does not have what I want. And what I want, I do not know.

People feel that they need a new form of family ties, but do not know where to look for or how to find them. And thus they get divorced.

The family of the future will have a new connection that leads a married couple to a higher purpose for which it is worthwhile living together. Indeed, if not for this, then what is the point of having a family?

You can buy prepared food in a supermarket, do your laundry in an automatic washing machine, so you can invite a woman over for an evening. Children can be visited once a week, and indeed, we do not see them often because we work so much. What benefits does the family add to our fully arranged, comfortable life?

Question: What is missing in today’s family?

Answer: The family lacks a higher purpose other than conventional, material animal wellbeing. We are required to reveal the human degree in our family in order to discover the Shechina between us, to reveal the upper force, and to have an eternal and perfect life. And it really can be achieved through connection within the family, with other families, and eventually with the whole world.

The upper force is the force of love and bestowal. It is called “upper” because it is above us, above the egoists, who are opposite to it, love only themselves, and do not love others.

Question: What will we feel in the future family that we do not have today?

Answer: We will feel a life without any restrictions and one filled will all flavors. We will need the whole world. Our family will be in such a connection with the other families that we feel confident, joyful, restricted by nothing. Children will grow up in this atmosphere and will be brought up according to it. We must come to this.
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From KabTV’s “A New Life” 2/15/15

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Singles Versus Families

Dr. Michael LaitmanIn the News (Presz Pospolita): “In the Western nations there was a form of responsibility that worked previously which took into account the possibility that one allowed another to use part of his freedom in exchange for allowing the reciprocal possibility. Freedom is optional now, it belongs in the category of being a right.

“A free person is someone who reveals a readiness to subjugate himself and those around him in the pursuit of attaining something better. Previous cooperation is changed into stiff competition. Freedom becomes egoism, altruism becomes subjugation. The progressives call a family based on mutual altruism among its members, patriarchal slavery.

“The differences between the roles of men and women became less rigid. Aggressive competition leads to a lack of common goals, a lack of closeness and support. A single person is happier when he feels that he is living correctly, so he conducts war everywhere against the family and its foundation.

“Single people are a product of the welfare state which has collapsed, created following a competitive struggle for survival. The more single people there are, the more rigid and sharp the struggle. They are the reason for the breakdown of society, like a building in which the common good has lost its value, and in its place come the egoistic interests of single people.

“Egoism is a characteristic that typifies a lack of maturity and childishness. It is easy to manipulate immature people. The flexibility and the rightness of their actions, which developed following a lack of familial obligations, is a great advantage.

“A single person in his closed space is not as happy as he seems, but he is not ready to recognize this. If being single is a conscious choice, then it cannot be considered a sign of happiness and a desire to be free. Rather, it indicates the existence of emotional problems, since people were not created to be single and live in solitude.”

My Comment: I think the destruction of families is the result of the growing egoism, as is the growing violence of people and nations. All of this brings us to a need to rethink the essence of our development and the need to find a solution. This solution is applying the principle of unity above all the defects and contradictions in everyone and society as a whole.
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The Far-Reaching Implications Of Domestic Quarreling

Dr. Michael LaitmanOur good fortune depends upon establishing good relationships between us. I try to do this in every way, but suddenly there is an explosion and somebody takes me out of balance and away from the right direction. In order to maintain this intention, we must have general agreement, a system of education that is designed especially for this purpose..

This is what must be taught to children at school, so that they will not behave the way they do today. This is a nationwide problem that must be solved on a national scale, and doesn’t just depend on someone’s desire or lack of desire.

No one wants this since it is contrary to our ego and not easy to realize. So we must create a system of education that will bring us closer to one another.

Our entire salvation is only in this. Two thousand years ago the people of Israel lost their land precisely because of unfounded hatred. Today we have again found ourselves in a dangerous situation, so let’s get closer to each other.

Baal HaSulam writes: All of our hope is in recreating a national education that is designed to discover the natural love that is latent in our people so that by all means we will go back and revive the same national muscles which have not operated in us for two millennia.

From the days of our father Abraham, who left Babylon, until the destruction of the second Beit HaMikdash (Temple), that is, for about 1,500 hundred years, the people of Israel lived in complete unity.

Question: What does it mean to live in unity? Does it mean that there won’t be any quarrels with one’s wife at home?

Answer: For this, it is necessary to have education that will lead to good attitudes, including women and children.

Question: This sounds like some kind of utopia. What exactly will happen with people? Will they stop being egoists?

Answer: People will be able to control their ego. You won’t do this to become good and to not quarrel with your wife, but because through quarreling, you are destroying the lives of all people in the world. This is specifically you, and even because you quarreled with your wife.

Imagine that your relationship with your wife influences the relationships of an immense number of men with their wives, because you are a Jew.

Question: So if a Frenchman quarrels with his wife, this doesn’t influence others as strongly?

Answer: No, this doesn’t have an influence in the way that a Jewish man quarreling with his wife does. This is because Jews are the first in the general system who must realize the law of Arvut (mutual guarantee), the connection between everyone. And after that, the whole world must also be included in this law of Arvut, in the general unity. It is specifically towards general unity that nature is pushing us, towards general unity.
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From Israeli Radio Program 103FM, 3/08/15

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A Basement For A Beloved Son

Dr. Michael LaitmanWhat is required in order to discover the good? Why does someone who is born into great abundance not appreciate it? You tell children: “See how much you have! How much I have given to you! When I was a child I didn’t have this.” Yet they wave you off and don’t want to hear this.

They cannot appreciate your goodness since they have nothing with which to compare it. So they don’t understand what kind of gratitude you require from them. They want to go to the movies, they can go; they want a computer, they get it; a new mobile phone, to go on vacation, whatever they want. They have everything, and so they also have no desire for anything.

You tell them that when you were their age, you built a car for yourself from a shoebox and played with this car for two years, and they laugh at you. They are right, because everything is measured according to desire.

They feel themselves on a particular level of satiation and will not move from it in any direction. First one must descend to minus infinity to be able to feel plus infinity afterward.

About this it was said in “Leviticus” 26:10: When I break for you the staff of bread, and ten women will bake your bread in one oven, and they will bring back your bread by weight, and you will eat, yet not be satisfied, meaning that nothing in the world changes except our consciousness. Even now you are found in Olam Ein Sof (the world of infinity), yet instead of that you feel this world because you don’t have the Kelim to perceive Ein Sof.

On one side there is a sack of gold coins, and on the other side there is a mountain of diamonds. In front of you is a table set with a bounty of delicacies, yet you are dying of starvation and suffer from the stench.

Everything depends upon your perceptive Kli. You are in Olam Ein Sof, which never changes. Everything depends only on desire, and desire is built above an abyss that is constantly revealed to a greater degree.

Therefore, it is difficult for our children to feel a reason for living, specifically because they have everything. Baal HaSulam tells a parable about a king who put his son in a basement for 20 years and caused him mental anguish by showing him how everyone else was successful. Others are sitting in a bar or watching the World Cup, whereas you are sitting in a dark cellar full of mice, cursing your father.

This continued until the son discovered that his father was acting from the goodness of his heart and with great love. His father was suffering himself because he had given his son grief. Whereas if you give your children everything that they want from the goodness of your heart, this means that you hate them.

Question: Does it follow that I must intentionally hurt a child in order to educate him?

Answer: You limit him because you want things to be good for him, and you are willing to suffer in order to do this. You do this for his sake so that it will benefit him in the future. It will not be good for him now, as his ego desires, but will benefit him throughout his life.

Or, you want to feel good from the thought of how much you have given him. You think to yourself: “I couldn’t afford any of this in my childhood, so my son should enjoy it.” Is this what you call love?

Tomorrow you will have to give him many times more because otherwise he will not feel that he is alive. You must build a “basement” with great wisdom and put your beloved son in there, and you will suffer many times more than he will. In this manner, you will be preparing him for a good life.

So we have a method by which it is possible to advance towards fulfillment, towards goodness, not by feeling bad, but by being aware of it. This is a very special patent. It is necessary only to understand the principle and that is enough. Then there will no longer be a need to suffer. We are not ready to go through the way of difficult suffering.

The Creator made a special system in which it is enough for us to be aware of the evil that exists in contrast to the good, in order to accept it as a tool and sense fulfillment through it. After all, we are not ready to descend to minus infinity.
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From the 2nd part of the Daily Kabbalah Lesson 6/12/14, Writings of Baal HaSulam

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A Pill Against Love

Dr. Michael LaitmanIn the News (Theory and Practice):Love is not always good; it can cause pain of loss, provoke violence. In terms of brain physiology, love is just a hormonal process that can be controlled by desire!

“The desire to get rid of love occurs when this feeling is similar to a disease.

“Love, which can bring people together and keep them close to give birth and bring up offspring, is the basis of survival of the species. It runs: 1) sexual desire, 2) sympathy and 3) attachment.

1) Sexual desire drives us to meet with potential partners, 2) sympathy lets you choose among them the suitable one, 3) attachment helps to create a long-term relationship and gives us the strength to work until the parental duty is fulfilled.

“The work of each of the three systems is based on hormones, produced by the body. Sexual attraction is associated with estrogen and testosterone – sex hormones in men and women.

“The ability to assess the attractiveness comes from pleasure and stress hormones (dopamine, serotonin, adrenaline), which direct us to the object of desire, causing a sense of excitement in his or her presence.

“Affection is born of the action of neuromodulators (oxytocin and vasopressin); they inspire us with a sense of calm and confidence, ease in relationships.

“But since these three subsystems operate simultaneously, we may desire one partner, consider the other attractive, maintain an ongoing relationship with the third one.

“Testosterone creates attachment, and oxytocin binds attachment to attraction – so that the most favorite is the one who is closest.

“In the first months, love resembles obsessive-compulsive disorder. But a year later serotonin levels go back to normal, and the idealization of the partner disappears.

“The hormones that are responsible for attachment and reducing stress (vasopressin, oxytocin and dopamine) are produced during touching, cuddling, sex, breastfeeding. They hold together couples, mothers and their offspring.”

My Comment: The main thing is not to interfere in a natural process with pills. Education in line with global good relationships, as the wisdom of Kabbalah teaches us, will balance the secretion of hormones and lead to improved relationships—friendship, love, and family.
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