Comment: A study was conducted to explore whether revenge in humans is induced by nature. They took 330 children between the ages of four and eight and played a game with them, built in two stages.
In the first stage, the researchers could give the child three stickers or keep them. The child should have thanked them and given them a gift in return. In the second stage, the task was to steal a sticker from another person. In response, one could punish or not punish the offender.
It turned out that children, even the youngest, were ready to strike when someone tried to steal their stickers. Children did not always want to reward others. Thus, the researchers concluded that people’s desire for revenge is more primal than their desire to be grateful.
My Response: This is natural. This is called “evsed mi karen” (loss from the fund).
Let us say I had a dollar in my pocket, and it disappeared somewhere. I would twist and turn, thinking, “Where could it have gone?” I would look for it as if I really needed it because I had it, it was mine, and now it is gone. That is why it is worth more than a dollar to me, worth maybe 20 dollars. This is how I feel about this loss.
Therefore if a person has harmed another, the latter considers this act worthy of tenfold retribution because this is how the magnitude of his friend’s negative attitude toward him is felt.
Question: Why does one not show gratitude?
Answer: Because I am sure that I am good, that I am the best in the world; that is what my mother told me. Therefore I am owed. To what they tell me, I reply, “Yes, I am pleased. Thank you; I will thank you too on occasion.” I turn around and walk away.
I think I got what I was supposed to get; as to what was stolen from me, it seems ten times more than it actually is! That is how I feel. If something positive comes my way, I value it ten times less than it is worth. But if something is taken away, I accept the loss as ten times worse. That is how we are built.
Therefore the fact that children want to take revenge on those who have done them even a little wrong, and moreover take pleasure in that revenge, I understand that very well. I was like that myself. I clearly remember these instances.
Question: What changed this approach in you, not to take revenge?
Answer: I began to realize that I share the same common desire with everyone; therefore I should not harm myself in this way, egoistically. We must try to always give in a little. It is better this way, more peaceful. It gives you some safety and surrounds you, at least, with more neutral people. So the main thing is to be careful not to harm another. In short, this is the conclusion.
And if you do harm, then of course, expect very serious reactions.
Comment: Researchers have an opinion similar to yours. They believe revenge is always a choice between the desire for revenge and the opportunity to forgive.
My Response: Who might have the opportunity to forgive? It just gets forgotten, or you cannot take good revenge because you are such a weakling, a loser, the other guy is stronger than you, etc. So there is nothing left for you to do.
Man is a selfish little animal. And if he can eat another, he does.
Question: Does revenge have any positive sides? Is revenge useful?
Answer: Then it is no longer revenge but education.
If you and I are playing chess or another game, and I am teaching you, then you feel that I am outplaying you with no intent to harm you; on the contrary, to give you some kind of pleasure, benefit, and so on. That is, it does not cause you to take revenge, but it still makes you feel awkward, and unhappy with the situation.
Imagine I am teaching and showing you how to play, but you still cannot. I am also smarter, wiser, and luckier than you; how unpleasant it is for you anyway.
Question: Yes, there is disappointment. So how can we move from taking revenge and supposedly restoring justice to motivating a person to move on rather than limiting ourselves to some parochial score-settling?
Answer: To do this, you need to make a very special calculation, meaning someone wanted to harm me, to see me poor, fallen, or damaged, and I must reach a state where he will be desperately jealous of me. Then I will revel in his seeing my position, which he is unable to do anything about it. That is how I want to get back at him.
On the other hand, I have to say, “I am grateful to him that he did this!” After all, I rose up thanks to him; I was doing it to cause him distress. But in the end, I did not!
That is, he somehow—without even suspecting, maybe without thinking—caused such forces in me that I rose higher, became more successful, intelligent, etc. I must tell him: “Thank you so much for doing this to me!”
The first person discovers that this is an educational process for him. Therefore he tells the second person, who wanted to harm him, “Thank you for doing that.”
Question: And what happens to the second person?
Answer: A double whammy. On the one hand, he sees that the former has succeeded, and moreover, he feels he is superior to him. He is seriously above him.
The conclusions are very simple. Add to this: “I did this and told you so that you could try to rise above yourself.” This is already a knockout. “There is thrill in battle!”
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From KabTV’s “News with Dr. Michael Laitman” 11/4/19
Related Material:
Revenge, The Defeat Of Egoism
Men And Women, The Need For Fulfillment
Revenging My Egoism
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