Question: What can you say about grievances, reactions to them, and how to help people cope with them?
Grievances are put into the concept of corporate culture, where mechanisms are developed for people to report grievances, relying on the offender’s reaction regardless of the initial cause of the offense. A grievance is a person’s reaction to an unjust insult or action, as it seems to them. However, the reaction to an act and the event or attitude that caused it are not always aligned. Therefore, we wanted to ask you, as a Kabbalist, about this phenomenon and how a person should work with it correctly.
Answer: A person feels they have been hurt or struck. Essentially, their egoism has been affected, and they cannot tolerate it because egoism is the most central part of each of us: the desire to feel superior, stronger, more stable, confident, and so on. Suddenly my “self” is brought down; someone has hurt or tried to diminish it.
Here I feel offended, which can only be compensated by lowering the offender even further below me. That is why denunciations and similar reactions come into play.
Question: When we feel bad, why do we want to make others feel worse?
Answer: This is no longer about being offended but simply that our egoism that needs to maintain itself at a certain level and always feel superior to others, in a more comfortable state. Only then does it feel satisfied and it seems to us that life is flowing like it should.
Question: How can one remove an offense from the heart, not just rationalize it, but rise above and let go? How should one work with it correctly using the power of the offense to rise above it? How can one forgive and truly move on?
Answer: It is difficult. There is no simple answer for all situations.
From the perspective of the wisdom of Kabbalah, we need to understand that the upper governance exists between us. We have no direct contact with one another because there is the upper force between us that creates all our communication.
Therefore, if I feel offended by someone, I must understand that it is not about the person who acted against me or hurt me. No, it is about the upper force deliberately placing me in such a situation. I must address not the person who offended me, but the Creator, the upper force that acts upon me in this way.
If we begin to feel that between each of us and others is the Creator, it will become much easier for us to interact. We will be able to find the right connection between us and with the Creator, and suddenly we will realize that we are in an entirely different world.
We will discover a state where a benevolent force exists between all of us that works solely to elevate us toward itself.
But this elevation occurs precisely through our fall. It shows us how egoistic and weak we are, how we constantly endure minor humiliations like small children, and how we struggle to rise above ourselves.
Just as the sea surrounds small islands, we will begin to feel that only a benevolent, warm sea, the upper force, fills all the space between us.
We need to change, to rise above our egoism. Then we will feel like small islands in an archipelago, surrounded by a warm, kind sea.
Question: You described it so beautifully. But how can it be achieved?
Answer: It is not very difficult. You just need to focus on this state.
I have described a picture that truly exists and functions. If we begin to actively seek and discern the upper force between us, we will discover that this force is inherently good, while we are small, selfish creatures. What can we do? We need to rise above our egoism and align ourselves with this benevolent force that fills everything around us.
Question: What is the key factor in transitioning and shifting to this state?
Answer: It is the collective support of the environment you are in. The most important thing, as explained in the wisdom of Kabbalah, is to create a supportive environment of like-minded individuals where we help each other recognize, accept, and realize this state.
In our interactions, we must consistently act on understanding that a benevolent upper force exists between us. Since we are egoists by nature, the question becomes how can we neutralize our egoism so that this force can fill us as well?
When this happens, we find ourselves in a completely different world. We begin to perceive reality through the quality of bestowal rather than reception, through the quality of love and connection rather than hatred and alienation. We truly start to see a different nature.
Essentially, we reveal another force, the positive force that exists in nature, but is not evident in our world. We must uncover it ourselves through our mutual efforts. Then we will realize that two forces actually exist, positive and negative, and we will live in a correct balance between them.
Question: They say that understanding one another is our social “glue.” But since we are so different, this bonding does not seem to happen. How can we learn to understand one another when everyone has their own perspective of the world?
Answer: The problem is that we do not have common points of understanding. This is the most important thing. Because of this, we do not truly understand one another. Sometimes we agree with each other because it is convenient, but even then, we still do not really hear each other. It is simply that I find it pleasing, so I accept it. But what exactly I am accepting is hard to define; it could be beneficial to me at work, in studies, shopping, family life, with children, and so on. But in general, we do not hear each other.
To truly hear each other means to be on the same wavelength where I feel the other person’s state and fulfill them, and they feel my state and fulfill me. All of this happens through the benevolent upper force between us, which allows for constant, correct communication.
But this requires learning. That is why what I teach is called the wisdom of Kabbalah, the science of receiving, meaning the science of how to receive and accept another as they are without being disturbed or distorted by one’s egoism.
Question: How can we help someone who is at war with the world around them?
Answer: This is a miserable person. How can they escape this state? In general, it is a whole science. We can see that the entire world lives in a state of constant irritation, depression, with inner attacks on one another, malice, and egoistic calculations. What can we do? The only solution is to rise above it. But again, for this, a supportive environment is essential.
It is crucial to create the right environment where a person can naturally transform themselves under its influence. A positive environment is the most important factor. This is what we constantly work on, and we are always striving to align ourselves with a true and correct worldview.
Typically, we do this in a group of ten. Ten people come together, and they are given a task: to relate to each other as one collective whole. To achieve this, everyone must lower themselves before the others. I lower myself before my nine friends. Then I feel that I must help them, which means I must rise above them. After that, I must be equal to them, and so on.
These exercises allow us to develop the internal flexibility necessary to establish the right connection between us. Essentially it is psychological training that leads to absolutely amazing results.
A person suddenly begins to feel that there is nothing inherently their own within them, that their character, state, and mood are given to them as initial conditions, and they must adjust these to fit the surrounding environment. When they perform these exercises of internal flexibility, they see that it is not difficult and even start to wonder, “Who am I, really?”
The most optimal state for me is when I adapt myself to the collective. And in this way, each of us in the group adjusts ourselves to everyone else.
As a result, we achieve a homogeneous, integrated, and correct state where we merge and unite together. We understand each other perfectly and almost need no words. We develop an internal connection where we are all included in one another.
According to the wisdom of Kabbalah, this is the method for elevating humanity to the state of one single, unified, benevolent group, a single entity. When this will be fully realized is unknown. But at the very least, we can accomplish this in small groups.
Question: How can one feel and understand what is truly good or beneficial for another person and what is harmful?
Answer: To do this, you must feel the other person. How can you know what is good or bad for them? The most important thing is to feel them. This requires training, as I have previously mentioned. You need to lower yourself to zero, as if you do not exist, and only then will you begin to hear and feel them.
Suddenly, you will start to feel that you are inside them, feeling all their thoughts, aspirations, dreams, memories, and everything within them. And you will feel it as they do, not as you might imagine it if you were in their place. There are many nuances here.
At the same time, you will begin to show them from within that your attitude toward them is warm and kind, and they will not be able to resist this, they will transform into kindness.
Question: Should one strive to show empathy to absolutely everyone?
Answer: No, our world is not like that. I am talking only about specific cases, such as when you want to establish a very close connection with someone. This can work, but only with someone who is somewhat understanding and deserving, not just with anyone you meet on the street.
This is indeed a gradual training process. You can achieve such a state when, by lowering yourself to zero, you effectively bring them to zero, but in a kind way.
You need to nullify yourself, immerse yourself in them, see the world through their eyes, and empathize with them with whatever is happening within them. You become their companion, a part of them, constantly and inseparably connected to them as if dissolving, merging, and bonding with them internally. Then, you begin to see the world as they do.
What happens next depends on your goal. Do you want to learn more about them? If so, through this approach, you will understand them. And then, what kind of response do you want from them?
Comment: Mutuality, perhaps.
My Response: For that, something a bit different is needed. When you feel them and see the world through their eyes, you must show them that you are close to them, ready to walk alongside them, and help them. In other words, you must become an inseparable part of them.
By doing this, you will “win them over,” and they will no longer be able to be without you. Women often instinctively use this approach, and rightly so. Female nature is naturally attuned in this way. When a woman shows a man that he truly needs her and backs it up, not with words, but through actions, he “buys into” it.
This is what is called “winning love” like any other relationship. You dissolve into the person, start to feel how they see the world, what they want, anticipate their actions, desires, thoughts, and reactions, and help them. They see that you are an inseparable part of them. How could they part from you?
When a person studies Kabbalah, they do not feel personal offense because they view themselves the same way. They are constantly battling their egoism, trying to suppress it, crush it, and push it deeper down until it disappears entirely.
So when others treat them the same way, they do not feel defeated. Instead, they feel how these actions affect their spiritual work. It might even help them or it might hinder them.
I have observed this in my teacher. When he was gravely insulted, he would find pleasure in it, saying: “Ah, how good this is!” It is like being in a steam bath where the sting of the birch broom brings both pain and enjoyment. It is a similar state.
You already perceive your body and ego as your enemy. You even align with the one who offends you, and recognize that ultimately, this benefits you.
However, if this interferes with your mission, with your life’s work, then your reaction is different. You must “grind down” your ideological opponent.
Question: And how does it all end?
Answer: It ends with the need to persuade them. Otherwise, everything will have been in vain. The upper force that exists between you will have done all it could, but you will have responded incorrectly or incompletely.
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From KabTV’s “News with Dr. Michael Laitman” 4/14/19
Related Material:
What Does A Kabbalist Take Offense At?
How To Become Impervious To Insults
The Right To Feel Offended
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Comment: It is still a mystery to me when you say: “The physical attributes of a friend are not important to me; what matters is their inner aspiration toward the Creator.”
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