Question: Damaged relationships spoil people’s entire life, they can be confusing because of little misunderstandings. What is the right thing to do to prevent resentment, damaged relationships, and to improve them?

Psychologists give the following recommendations: Try to understand the point of view of the colleague. The result of an action is not always intentional. The difficulty with some micro-manifestations is that we all apply different standards to their assessment.

Answer: Where are the standards? The standard is mine—how I see others and compare myself with them or how I see myself and compare them with me. This is completely wrong. It is like taking a dress and putting it on. If I wear it, my stomach and my thin arms and legs will stick out, and the dress will look ugly to me.

There are no common standards. There can be only one standard—for the benefit of one’s neighbor. That’s all. I perceive no one in any way, neither myself nor anyone else. I am only interested in one thing: if some situations occur, whether they occur for the benefit of man.

By man I mean all of humanity, the general image of a person. In no way do I consider anyone specific or I most definitely will be lost.

Question: How can we understand correctly the point of view of the other person, whether it is right or not?

Answer: I cannot understand another person. How can I understand him? How can I exit myself in order to understand the other?

No, we simply need to act in a way that is good for the other person, for anyone. That is, except for my survival necessities, in everything else that depends on me, I must act for the sake of others.

This is natural. Very often we, as a result of our habits, make some movements, gestures, or utter some words, phrases that might seem even offensive to others.

We might not even feel and understand that. It is necessary to tune the heart. The heart should be adjusted to kindness toward others. All the rest will not work at all.

If a person is cordially attuned to the other, then it will be interpreted correctly. Even if he said something wrong, somehow could not express himself, the other person will feel that.

Aim the heart toward the other person, toward all people, toward the good. We need to get used to it. We need to educate ourselves for this. It is necessary that the same attitude be maintained by the environment and the surrounding society. Everything will then be good.
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From Kab TV’s “News with Dr. Michael Laitman,” 7/14/19

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Family of the Future

Question: It is written, “A man and a woman, and the Creator between them.” What does it mean?

Answer: It means that if the male and female parts, altruism and egoism, connect in order to create something common directed at bestowal, at mutual love, and in general, outside of themselves, then the upper force called “the Creator” is felt between them.

Question: Can we say that there will never be a normal married couple if the quality of mutual bestowal and love, that is, the Creator, is not revealed between them?

Answer: Yes, absolutely. This is why in our time we are experiencing family crises. Only if we understand that we need to build the family in a new perfect inner-family organization, under new contracts, then we will be able to build it.

A family is a unit that is designed to teach us how to correctly interact with the whole of humanity, because the entire world exists in the family.
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From KabTV’s “Fundamentals of Kabbalah,” 12/31/18

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Men and Women: Responsibilities and Possibilities

Question: Are there any differences between men and women in regard to Kabbalistic materials, sources? What can and should women read and what should men read?

Answer: Both can and should read absolutely everything. However, for men, this is a daily duty, and for women, it depends on their free time.

As for the spiritual path and attainment of the Creator, for men it again is a duty, and for women, it is at will according to their possibilities.

Question: Are there any limitations with regard to sources?

Answer: No.

Question: Does it mean all are allowed to read The Book of Zohar and Talmud Eser Sefirot (The Study of the Ten Sefirot)?

Answer: Of course. Absolutely everything.

Question: Is the work in the ten required for both women and men?

Answer: Yes. However, a woman is free from these commandments, which are performed according to time; that is, she does not have to run to the lesson at three o’clock in the morning. If she needs and if her workload at work and at home allows, she can listen to it at any time. However, for men it is a duty.

Question: What about the dissemination of the wisdom of Kabbalah?

Answer: It is the duty of both men and women to disseminate, and women should do it no less than men because it is connected with her function of giving birth; through her, the correction comes to the world. Therefore, she is tied to dissemination even more than a man.

Question: Must both men and women do the inner analysis, inner work, all kinds of scrutinies?

Answer: All of this is necessary for both. However, a woman does it whenever possible, at a time when she is free, and a man does it as a duty, at certain times, in certain circumstances. There is a clear time frame for men, but not for women. There also are clear instructions about the quantity and quality of work for men, but not for women.
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From KabTV’s “Fundamentals of Kabbalah,” 12/31/18

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Learning to Love

Remark: When we are talking about a married couple, the concept of love arises. However, from the Kabbalistic point of view, love is something completely different.

My Comment: In corporeal relationships, love is based on instincts, on hormones. However, in Kabbalah mutual concessions, mutual attraction to each other, mutual help, and mutual care are called love. In principle, love is a state when you feel the desires of the other and fulfill them.

Question: Does it mean that I am a tool for fulfilling the other?

Answer: Yes. In this case, we can say that you love him or her.

Remark: You once said that the unit for measuring love is the unit of sacrifice.

My Comment: Yes. It is the extent to which you sacrifice yourself, that is, your diligence, your efforts in order to fulfill the other.

Question: If love is built on mutual concessions, then who should concede? Both of us? If I concede, the other will take advantage of me and vice versa. How to choose a measure here?

Answer: In this case, a joint contract is drawn between two extremely opposite parties that enter into a covenant with each other and undertake to help each other in revealing the Creator between them. This must be taught, learned, and nurtured.
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From KabTV’s “Fundamentals of Kabbalah,” 12/31/18

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Is it possible to change your spouse’s character?

Remark: We understand that freedom of will is only in selecting the environment and it is not possible to change the basic qualities of a person.

My Comment: There is no need to change them.

Question: Should we not try to demand that our spouses change their qualities?

Answer: In no way! They are given to us from nature and will remain the same. The only thing we can do is combine their use for the benefit of our connection so that in this connection between us we would reveal the upper force. This is our goal, our reward.

Freedom of choice is only in the fact that both I and the opposite party annul ourselves and form such a place on this mutual annulment in which we will discover the upper force, as it is written, “Husband and wife, the Creator between them.”
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From KabTV’s “Fundamentals of Kabbalah,” 12/31/18

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Every Day a Fresh Start

Question: One of the principles of the Kabbalistic group is concessions and self-annulment. Is it possible to agree in the family to begin the next day as if nothing happened yesterday by granting amnesty to each other and trying to avoid situations that usually lead to quarrels?

Answer: We need to start every day afresh despite the fact that there may have been some quarrels yesterday. In both the group and the family, we must constantly start afresh as if nothing happened.

Question: How do we do that?

Answer: It is both very simple and very difficult.

Question: Let’s say, today we agree, “Let’s do it in such a way.” What if tomorrow I cannot begin in such a way, what will obligate me?

Answer: If you have signed such an agreement, you will be proud to observe it. Your egoism does not suffer, and it will be easier for you to step over it.

In fact, you do not even step over it; rather, you just show how much of a man you are, “Even though I do not want to, I must do that because I promised.” And you will have something to be proud of.

As for your wife, she will have to agree with your new behavior.

Question: Is there any difference between the egoism of a woman and egoism of a man?

Answer: These are completely different types of egoism. They cannot be combined in any way.
[255148]
From KabTV’s “Fundamentals of Kabbalah,” 12/31/18

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Family Life — A Negotiated System

Remark: To prevent conflicts in the family, Kabbalists recommend establishing a clear framework and boundaries in the relationship in advance, not forgetting to remind about them, and not being afraid to give signals to your partner if they are violated.

My Comment: Family life is an agreement which, of course, can change. However, it is still a contractual system.

Two people enter into a contract with each other, which is continuous, constantly changing and developing. They are then joined by children, common property, and influences on each other that greatly increase their impressions of this life, family, and so on.

That is, we have the constant expansion of the terms of the contract. Therefore, we need to discuss them all the time.

Remark: In principle, the same agreement also exists in a Kabbalistic group between friends, between like-minded people. Yet, it seems to me that there is much more communication and interaction in the family than in the Kabbalistic group. At least economically and emotionally.

In a group of like-minded people, we are connected only by the same idea, which is still abstract and does not exist in our feelings.

My Comment: If it is possible to create such a connection, such unity in the couple, it could be a very serious incentive for achieving a spiritual goal.

Question: Does it mean, that if both people agree we can take all the principles of the work in the group about which Rabash writes and apply them in the family?

Answer: It is very hard, but possible.

Question: Do I understand correctly that it is much harder to use them in the family than in the group?

Answer: I do not know. It is very hard for me to talk about this. Although I see a few such successful examples among my students and I am glad about them, so far these are a few isolated cases.

Question: Would you still recommend couples to work this way?

Answer: Yes and no. The problem is that a man must first master himself in a male group.

We see this from history. When he becomes a man, meaning he is in the group of men where he begins to receive contact with the Creator, then he can correctly connect with the right woman. It is not simple.

Question: Does the work in a family replace the work in a group?

Answer: I would not advise beginning work in the family until a person has seriously adjusted himself in the group.
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From KabTV’s “Fundamentals of Kabbalah,” 12/31/18

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Soul Mates

Question: How did it come about that a person has a family and relatives?

Answer: Everything comes from the spiritual system.

Question: Are they soul mates?

Answer: Yes, they are close. At some level, they are fueled by you. You must nourish them, in a sense, take care of them. Maybe with time it will come about in both material and spiritual form.

Question: According to Kabbalah, a person must take care of his family. There is even such commandment. What should the relationship with relatives: aunts, uncles, grandmothers, and grandfathers be?

Answer: At present, our formation on the spiritual path is taking place. I think that later, when the masses will come to a spiritual state, the structure of relations along spiritual lines will accordingly be established.
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From Kab TV’s “Fundamentals of Kabbalah,” 1/1/19

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Husband and Wife Come from the Same Environment

Remark: According to Kabbalah, there is the law of equivalence of form, which says that we should seek a partner with whom we have a common foundation and qualities.

My Comment: Yes, it is necessary. It is advisable to look for a partner who came from the same environment as you, and who is close to you.

Remark: However, Kabbalah also says that the connection of opposites gives a bigger and better effect.

My Comment: We do not need “effects.” We need peace and a normal existence. We are talking about the family.

I need my wife to understand my tastes and habits, to feel me because she herself saw something similar in the society where she developed. If I marry a woman from the other side of the Earth, it might work out, but we always will have some misunderstandings on a purely instinctive level.

Question: Do you still recommend that there should be similarity of properties?

Answer: Yes. In principle we see this from the Torah when Abraham advised the young men to bring themselves wives from the same places they came from.
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From KabTV’s “Fundamentals of Kabbalah,” 12/31/18

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Spouses Are the Closest Companions

Question: Are descents and ascents revelations of the Creator?

Answer: Certainly. I cannot desire to reveal the Creator from good states, only if I feel bad. Any person who is engaged in spiritual exaltation will not rush forward unless he or she is, so to speak, shaken and disturbed. A person acts only under the influence of two forces.

Therefore, it is very important in the family that there are two spouses. Spouses are the closest companions who can help and complement each other, hint to each other, take responsibilities from one another. Therefore, it is said that they are as one body.

Question: Didn’t you say before that a husband can reveal his most secret attainment to his wife?

Answer: There is no problem in sharing everything with your wife, depending on your connections, but not to the friends in the group.

Question: What would you recommend if one of the spouses is engaged in Kabbalah and the other is not?

Answer: If your family does not follow the same path, do not engage them in your problems. Go through all your states calmly so that they do not feel them. Give them the opportunity to live comfortably. You will have your own spiritual life; with them you will communicate formally.

Question: So we should not pressure a spouse who does not want to engage in Kabbalah?

Answer: Not at all. There is no coercion in spirituality.
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From Kab TV’s “Fundamentals of Kabbalah,” 1/1/19

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