Question: What does a couple feel when they are in the “shared space,” when your partner understands and feels you?

Answer: A “shared space” refers to complete mutual understanding within its limits. This area is usually created in the attitude towards children. The mutual concern for them and the importance the couple attributes to them connects the couple. These are seemingly external factors, not ours, but they belong to us. If you don’t have children, it is more difficult to find common connecting points.

We have to look for things we agree on, understanding, something we have in common; where we agree, we understand each other and connect, although in the beginning we had different opinions. But we grow so accustomed to these concessions that we cannot manage without them. Even if we could correct the difference between us, we wouldn’t want to. We feel that all these contrasts are an opportunity for a special union. We already understand that without them there would be no union.

All these “rough spots” help us connect. It is thanks to the fact that I concede and my partner concedes that we feel the connection between us. Without our mutual concessions there will be no connection. If we agreed from the start on everything, we wouldn’t feel the contact. It would be as if we are the same thing. When we concede, we don’t annul our ego, but rather build a connection above it, as it says, “Love will cover all the sins.” Therefore, this strong connection, the inner contrast between us, is kept, but above it, love grows increasingly higher.

The “shared space” is our double common ego, but because of this, it connects us more strongly and allows us to feel the connection between us. We have to constantly take care of this “shared space,” to evoke it and try to expand it with regard to different types of connections from the corporeal to the spiritual.
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From a “Talk About a New Life” 7/25/12

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Question: What are the phases we have to go through in establishing the relations in the family until we reach the complete unity?

Answer: First I need the help of my wife, which is called “help against,” so I can examine myself and unite and explore one another as much as possible. I have to discover that I see the other as a distorted figure that the ego depicts for me. This is the psychology that we have to learn; this is how we have to educate everyone so that they can be mature adults who understand their own feelings and special attributes. Then a person will be able to use all his special attributes correctly in the connections with his or her partner.

First you build a relationship with your wife, drawing her picture and your picture and decide to what extent you can enter into it and to what extent she can enter yours, and where you meet. You start from the basic understanding that you are two egoists facing one another separated by an infinite distance. Now each one has to leave his starting point and start getting closer to his or her partner.

The closer I get to the other side, the further away I get from my natural basic point, and the more difficult it is for me to advance. It is also increasingly more difficult for my wife as she remains with her “self.” We have to thank one another for these efforts, and so we will be able to advance closer towards one another. All this happens thanks to our mutual concessions until we reach an inner connection.

This is the point of contact for which we are ready to give up our own base and connect. To connect means that I receive from my wife what is essential for her according to her character, so that it becomes essential for me. Thus the contact is created between us, a connection, mutual incorporation. There are protrusions and indentations in each of us by which we connect.

What is important for my wife should also be important for me, and she does the same with regard to me so that a shared space is created between us. Working in this space, thanks to our efforts to hold on to the connection in different states, helps us connect. This shared space is called a couple.

There are huge spaces besides this shared space that belong only to me or to her. It is like two intersecting circles with a common area between them in which each receives the other’s desires as if they were more important to him than his own desires.

I see that there is no choice and that these are my wife’s needs. What should I do with the areas that are still separated from one another? We will have to work on them by clarifying them and with common efforts we do all that in our desire to create one whole from the two of us.

If we know how to unite into one whole in the family, then we will also succeed in larger external circles, and even more external circles, until the whole world becomes one person. Then there will not be a global integral crisis. There is plenty of everything in the world, but we have developed in the wrong direction. Instead of developing everything for the good of man, we have acted to harm him. It is like a couple locked in an apartment unable get along and so they are ready to burn everything out of their mutual hate; it is the same situation and the same problem.
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From a “Talk About a New Life” 7/25/12

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In the News(from DailyMail): “A strong friendship is the secret to a long-lasting romantic relationship, new research suggests.

“Researchers found that valuing your friendship with your partner helps create relationships with more commitment, more love and greater sexual satisfaction.

“People who put more emphasis on trying to satisfy their personal needs or desires through their relationship are less likely to sustain the bond in the longer term. …

The psychologists wrote that relationship failures can lead to negative emotions, feelings of insecurity and reduced physical health. But they added that friendship is a ‘defining characteristic of love’ and suggested that understanding the causes of break ups could help couples avoid that fate. …

“The results indicate that valuing the friendship aspect of a romantic relationship is important to relationship quality. It seems likely that placing greater importance on the friendship component of the relationship relative to other components (e.g. sex) may promote lasting relationships. …

“People who had scored highly for investing in the friendship aspect of their relationship were also more likely to score highly on romantic commitment, love and sexual satisfaction.”

My Comment: Kabbalah defines love not as contentment in itself, but the fulfillment of the other by me, as a mother feeding the baby receives joy from the baby’s fulfillment. Such an attitude toward a partner is called love. And other relationships are explicit or implicit use of the partner.
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Question: Can a woman tell her husband about her experiences and attainments? Would it be harmful for the man?

Answer: Both a husband can tell his wife, and a wife can tell her husband about all their states. They are considered one soul and don’t have to conceal anything from one another. These are the only two people who can be completely open with each other.
[98710]
From the Virtual Lesson 1/20/13

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In the News (from Journal Gazette & Times Courier): “What are you doing to keep your relationship alive? A University of Illinois study highlights the importance of five relationship maintenance strategies that couples can use to preserve or improve the quality of an intimate relationship. …

“The research showed that openness, positivity, assurances, shared tasks and a shared social network are strategies that couples can use to make their relationship better.

“To ‘open up’ your relationship, we encourage not only talking about your feelings, but getting your partner to talk about what she is feeling as well. Positivity entailed being a ‘fun’ person and acting upbeat and cheerful as you interact with each other.

“It’s also important to assure your partner that you’re in the relationship for the long haul, to divide household chores and responsibilities equally, and to make an effort to include your partner’s friends and family in some of your activities.

“The study showed that a person who practices one of these five strategies is likely to practice the others as well. And a partner who notices that one of the strategies is being used is apt to be tuned in to their partner’s efforts in the other four areas.

“Persons who use any of these maintenance strategies will not only be more satisfied with and committed to their relationship, they are also likely to continue to love and, yes, even like each other throughout its duration.

“Although these strategies work, challenges may arise when couples don’t see or value each other’s efforts in the same way. These approaches had the most influence on the quality of the relationship when persons believed their partner was also performing relationship maintenance.”

My Comment: An environment determines the future of everyone and every couple. Regular talks, discussions, and family workshops are the key to understanding and inclusion into each other and this is a guarantee of the life of a couple as a whole.
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In the News (from The New York Times): “’There is no doubt that the crisis is pushing people to stay together,’ said José María Redondo, the council’s spokesman, who attributed the drop in the divorce rate to a burst housing bubble and hard economic times.

“The crisis is not only slowing divorces but also transforming the process, according to divorce lawyers. Judges are reducing alimony payments and dueling spouses have moved from fighting over property to sparring over the critical issue of who assumes debts. …

“Some Spaniards say the hard times may have at least one benefit. If the crisis helps preserve the Spanish family by making it harder to divorce, that was no bad thing, said Julián M. Valón, a pioneering divorce lawyer who helped write the country’s 1981 divorce law.

“‘If there’s something positive about the economic crisis it is that people have less money to fight about than before,’ he said, ‘and this could help people to stay together, even through the tough times.’”

My Comment: The crisis is the collapse of our past egoistic nature and the birth of an altruistic nature. It is a historical process, meaning long and painful. It takes place above us. There were a few changes like that in our history. But this is the first time when we can consciously participate in our rebirth and thus facilitate the flow of the birth process. Otherwise, as in the past, we face revolutions and wars simultaneously worldwide.

The crisis is happening in all the areas of our life because it is a crisis of our nature; this is what we need to change: knowingly, by means of integral self-education, or unconsciously, when suffering will force us to accept new changes. As you can see, at the personal level, the crisis teaches us the “correct” life.
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Question: At the Novosibirsk congress there are singles events planned for young and older people to meet with the intention of creating a Kabbalistic family. What are your suggestions?

Answer: Attention! There will be a special singles event held during the congress for young or future Kabbalists. I’m very supportive of this. A person needs help along the path. I think that everyone needs it.

If there’s an opportunity to come then people should come. If you haven’t created a family yet then I strongly advise that you try to find your partner among the Kabbalists.

I am very happy that such an event will take place during the congress. After all, the more Kabbalistic families the better.
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From the Virtual Lesson 11/25/12

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Question: The first condition to establish a connection in a marriage is the ability to feel the other. How can we develop the ability to feel the other and his/her desires as my own?

Answer: If I want love and a positive attitude between two people to cover all our mutual sins, all the bad qualities, I need to find out what my partner likes, what he/she wants, and what he/she expects of me.

First I have to discover in me the need to bestow upon the other. Then I have to answer the question: What can I give him/her, how can I make him/her happy? This new need obligates me to check what he/she wants and what he/she expects.

We have to discuss this so that each one will be able to express him or herself freely and to disclose one’s feelings to his or her partner, the most secret wishes and desires and how each one wants to receive signs of love from his or her partner. Each one should help the other understand him or herself to feel and to start living in the other. They have to feel the other’s desires as one’s own, as if the fillings that they provide these desires are in oneself.

Love is called unity, and it is achieved by incorporating in the other. I ascend above my desires and seemingly restrict them, and don’t use them for my own pleasure. Now instead of my own desires I want to absorb the desires of my partner: What does he/she want, what does he/she love?

I want to feel the other’s desires inside me so that they will fill the place where my own desires are. This means that I place the other’s desires above mine and I suppress mine. Now I work and invest all my powers so that the desires of the other will become part of me and start living in me. By that I build his/her image inside me.

I calculate how I can bestow upon him/her. I make these calculations internally by working with the image that was created inside me, with all of her/his needs, desires, yearnings and hopes. Having built this image in me and having worked on it, I now know how to treat the other.

We do all this work mutually, by discussing things. We help one another perceive the other’s image, as it says: “each one shall help his friend.” Thus a person begins to ascend above his own nature to the other’s nature. This is called “help against,” since we help one another build these images inside us: I build my wife’s image inside me and she builds her husband’s image. Each one now includes two images inside him: that of his/her own and that of his/ her partner.

These images constantly change and become clearer, increasingly reflecting their own attributes. Eventually we reach a state in which we know how to relate to one another. I connect to her through her image that is in me and she connects to me through my image that is in her, thus we reach connection.

The spiritual objects, the Partzufim are arranged according to the same principle. Before the Partzuf of Galgata gives birth to the Partzuf of AB it creates the Partzuf of AB inside it. If the Partzuf of AB wants to connect to Galgalta, it does it through the inner Partzuf of AB that is in Galgalta.

This means that every Partzuf has to build some kind of an adaptor internally in order to connect to the other Partzuf. This adaptor accurately reflects the external Partzuf it connects to, but is only in the former. In a mother there is naturally the child’s image and so she understands intuitively how to treat him.

In physiological terms the womb is an adaptor that uses all the body’s reserves providing the embryo everything it needs, after the birth there is the phase of nursing and the external caring for the baby, but it is always fulfilled by the child’s image that is in the mother.

It says that man was created “in God’s image,” which means according to the special model of the upper (image) which the spiritual father and mother, the Partzuf of Aba and Ima give the lower. According to the same equivalence of form, we too can connect to one another, otherwise there will be no connection.

It is the same in technology: we must always build an adaptor so that two different bodies will communicate, in one part there must be an exit that adapts to the entrance in the other part. If the entrance and the exit match the bodies can connect.

If we understand how this works and know how to establish such an adaptor, we will undoubtedly attain the right mutual connection. Then we must constantly carry on with this work in order to improve these systems.
[91923]
From a “Talk About  New Life,” 7/16/12

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Question: It often happens in the family that the wife has many more complaints against her husband than he has against her…

Answer: That’s the way it always is since it is typical of the female nature to feel unsatisfied. A couple shouldn’t look for balance here. What is natural shouldn’t be condemned nor praised.

Of course a woman feels greater dissatisfaction. 90% of the complaints come from her, while the man usually is limited to one simple phrase: “Just leave me alone.”

This is the way we are, and with these attributes we need to complement one another. From this it becomes clear that the man and the woman have different roles.

What part should the man provide? Since the woman is ready to do everything for him, to keep the connection and to provide everything that he needs, all she wants is his attention. This is what the female nature is all about. Accordingly the man is required to constantly show an honest, natural attitude that is warm and concerned. It is hard work for a man while it is quite easy for a woman. When a man pays attention to a woman she has “fuel” for any effort.

Therefore, a man should express kindness, and that is difficult for him, and a woman must alter many things, which is easy for her if she feels the right attitude from him.

These are the results of the spiritual roots and there is nothing we can do about it…
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From a “Talk About a New Life” 7/16/12

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We experience life in family relations in our connection with each other. We are not talking about external things here, not about me and my spouse, but about the way that we connect the images of our spouses that exist in each of us with the images of us that our partners have. These reciprocal images unite to the extent that they eventually become one whole. We are changing all the time, so we should continue working on these images of each other and developing them and their relationship.

Currently, we already subconsciously link with each other this way. Let’s say, when you are talking with your boss, you create his image inside you, then, based on this image, you choose what to say to him. Only in a family, we want to be conscious of this connection to be able to manage it and make it good.

In fact, we are already acting this way. Similar adapters work in nature, technologies, and biology. Without them, it would be impossible to maintain liaisons between us. Even if we are connected in a wrong way, our bonds still bear the same form.

In other words, I have to create an image of my spouse inside me; reciprocally, my spouse has to help me by creating my image inside her. And this is a whole process because none of us knows or understands oneself well enough and does not understand our partners. We have to gradually talk over and clarify all potential questions that exist among us.

Women usually complain that their husbands do not talk with them, do not pay attention to them, and do not show much interest in them in general. All of their complaints can be immediately satisfied. Women’s complaints are true and correct since they correspond to spiritual needs that exist in the part of the female, Nukva to the male part.

Our partner’s images are comprised of their desires and aspirations, of their habits, perceptions, views, and attitudes. We have to behave as actors who play certain roles and for this duty we enter the internal image of the character we play. Your physical body remains the same, but your whole inner world of thoughts, desires, and habits dress up in a new way. This is what we should strive for.

And when you build yourself this way, you will understand the internal world of your partner. You will look at the world as if through his or her eyes and perceive through his or her habits and his or her natural qualities. You will begin to see the world through them and then you will better understand what she/he expects from you and clearly see what kind of connection with them that you are capable of. In other words, we will conduct a deep survey of the system that opposes us instead of gliding on its surface; we will perceive it internally by dressing in it. We will build a buffer, an adapter, between our spouses and us. Wives will do the same in regard to their husbands. Usually, women handle it with much more ease then men since men are built more primitively than women; so women understand men better, rather than the other way around. Wives know their husbands much better since women are granted the ability to see their men in the correct way by nature.
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From a “Talk about a New Life” 7/16/12

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