Question: Creating a new kind of family relations is a process which gradually builds connection among us. With what does it start?

Answer: Everything begins with the course on integral education. It offers an explanation of our nature and our union with clarification of the general network that connects us together, the freedom of choice, our perpetually growing egoism, and the system in which everyone has to help the each other. We have to learn to listen to our friends in order to get inspired by them and to acknowledge the importance of self-rejection and to recognize the significance of inclusion into each other. And the most important way to advance are the workshops where we sit together, two of us (tête-à-tête) or in small groups, and discuss things trying to feel the process and figuring out the ways of building it.

There is a certain process that outlines the structure of our seminars; the instructor should lead us through it. He should constantly add questions and bring up new topics for discussion. He is the one who leads us step by step, stage by stage, and gradually allows us to develop our desires, thoughts, and aspirations. We face the situation when we have no other choice but to acknowledge certain qualities within us and compare them with what other people see in us. We also have to become aware of how we treat the same qualities in others and search for the ways of rising above our criticism.

We have to thoroughly study ourselves; however, the main thing is to learn to rise above our claims. I keep trying many times and finally achieve it! Have you seen a cat that is preparing to pounce? If it wants to leap from the floor onto the table, it flexes several times as if trying it on, and only then jumps. Similarly, we need to do the exercises and then jump.

Each seminar has a theoretical part, but the main thing is the discussion during which we get to know each other better. We learn from ourselves and bring up our doubts, problems, and difficult times that we would never bring up otherwise because of our manliness. A man (Gever – גבר) is the one who overcomes (Mitgaber – xמתגבר) himself instead of following his instincts. A hero (Gibor – גבור) is the one who conquers his egoistic predisposition.

So, we have to see our weaknesses, and what the true hero is, is overcoming them. In regular life, when people are arguing, fighting and screaming at each other, they look like little kids. Each seemed to want to demonstrate what a big egoist he is. In our workshops, we clearly demonstrate that we are the heroes, since the word “hero” (Gibor – גבור) has the same root as the word “overcome” (Hitgabrut – התגברות)

We have to talk about it openly and directly. Thanks to this mutual work, we will really start to feel each other. And never again will there be such reproaches as women frequently make to their husbands, “Why don’t you ever talk with me!” Her husband won’t even have to talk with her at all since at our workshops we’ll learn to sense each other internally. A powerful internal communication will be initiated among us.

It’s like people who have lived next to each other for many years. For example, I have lived together with my wife for 45 years now and we don’t need to talk a lot. Conversation is not a necessity anymore, but rather a tradition. If we were newlyweds who just started their married life, I would have to talk with her a lot. However, after so many years together we know each other so well that we communicate internally.

The same results can be achieved through the workshops that connect people together. If we rise beyond the family matters and talk about the world problems, the environment, society, the countries we live in, and the entire planet, all of them stem from the incorrect connection among people.

It is from this that the economy and finance are suffering. In some places, people are dying of starvation and in other places there are obese people throwing away surplus food. The reason for such a state of affairs is the wrong connections and lack of equality. That’s why it’s clear to everybody that if we manage to correct the family issues and go beyond them, we’ll achieve success.
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From a “Talk About New Life” 7/12/12

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Question: In the course of discussions on integral education questions arise regarding family relations because people are tired of domestic problems and feel that they don’t need families. How can it be explained to a person that he needs a family? What is the benefit of forming this kind of relationship for a person’s development?

Answer: Some time ago people lived very primitively: We didn’t leave our towns, our personal relations and sex were primitive—we didn’t demand anything.

Today people change every few years or even more frequently. We are not satisfied with the same old things. If I married a girl that I liked and that really suited me in my twenties, then in my thirties I no longer like that girl. And in my fifties and sixties I no longer like the second woman. What can be done? We feel that our views differ and it’s not anyone’s fault.

This is the turbulent inner evolution we are experiencing today and this is how rapidly we are changing.

For this reason, no one should impose the idea of a long-term marriage on people, especially given today’s life span. A serious incentive system should be invented in a marriage so that people would see a clear benefit to getting married since they have to override the habits, responsibilities, moral and physical mismatch with the partner they spent ten or fifteen years with. How can this be done?

There must exist a higher idea, something higher than our world, some reward that could only be obtained within a marriage.
[90206]
From KabTV’s  “Building a Social Environment” 9/24/12

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In the News (from the American Psychological Association): “Men like to know when their wife or girlfriend is happy while women really want the man in their life to know when they are upset, according to a new study published by the American Psychological Association. …

“’It could be that for women, seeing that their male partner is upset reflects some degree of the man’s investment and emotional engagement in the relationship, even during difficult times. This is consistent with what is known about the dissatisfaction women often experience when their male partner becomes emotionally withdrawn and disengaged in response to conflict,’ said the study’s lead author, Shiri Cohen, PhD, of Harvard Medical School. …

“Relationship satisfaction was directly related to men’s ability to read their female partner’s positive emotions correctly. However, contrary to the researchers’ expectations, women who correctly understood that their partners were upset during the videotaped incident were much more likely to be satisfied with their relationship than if they correctly understood that their partner was happy. Also, when men understood that their female partner was angry or upset, the women reported being happier, though the men were not. The authors suggest that being empathetic to a partner’s negative emotions may feel threatening to the relationship for men but not for women.

“The findings also show that the more men and women try to be empathetic to their partner’s feelings, the happier they are. The authors suggest that this research should encourage couples to better appreciate and communicate one another’s efforts to be empathetic.”

My Comment: It is proven that the comparison between the sexes is not possible. They are not even opposite, meaning equal and opposite, but are not on comparative levels. This is still to be discovered by science. Therefore, we must treat them as incomparable entities.
[90114]

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Question: Every aspect of a person’s life should be examined via the dynamics of development from the levels of still, vegetative, and animate nature and the exit to a new level called “human.” How do you see this dynamics in the developed integral relations between a man and a woman?

Answer: First of all we have to understand that a couple, a man and a woman, have to participate together in studying integral education, to go over the same materials, to experience the same processes, to understand and to internalize the method of mutual incorporation. Just like couples in the animate world, a male and a female, offspring, a flock, etc. mutually understand each other instinctively, so do we have to make people understand what it means to be in harmony with nature and between them. This means between the two partners, between them and their children, between the couple and their parents and other relatives.

We put great emphasis on the fact that people have to complete one another, like in the group. On the whole, it’s a mutual group, and if each member understands his weakness and how he completes someone else, then we can see an interesting harmony in nature, which we can’t find between a man and a woman in any other way. This means that they don’t “enter” each other’s frameworks, but complete these frameworks so that eventually there is a very interesting border by which they connect with pleasure.

An amusing field is created of the “Yin and Yang” type, in which the completion is harmonious and wise. All this happens so that they can organize a small personal group of their own. Since their goal is to create a general collective harmony, they make up a stable group since all the other groups can change. We emphasize the fact that they should study together and read the same material, at least a little, 15 minutes a day, if they have the time. They shouldn’t misuse this opportunity to study together. People should have time to rest from one another and from their group. They have to process the material and to be by themselves a little.

But in order to do that, they have to go over the material together. It really brings people closer to one another. What’s more, it’s very helpful for the study and in how to relate to a child so that he will be included in the integral system. Later the division of different tasks is fulfilled when each one understands his part and there are no conflicts over it with others.

On the whole, people are trying to think about the integral society, although the entire society around them isn’t integral yet. Still, if they try to behave integrally, and to divide the tasks and the opportunities as much as they can, they actually begin to feel that something is created between them, like a child that grows from them, something that is average and collective that made up that human being who later split into Adam and Eve.
[88577]
From a Talk on Integral Upbringing 3/5/12

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Question: There are two types of traditional family. The first type is the so-called polite, nice family where it is customary to restrain yourself, your feelings, emotions, and thoughts. In order to maintain peace in the family, a person does not express everything he thinks. The other type is a family where people express their emotions, feelings, and things they are not happy about. The woman constantly points out the man’s faults; she pecks at him and nags all the time.

What is the right way to act? Should people restrain themselves or not, express themselves or direct the couple’s energy up toward integrality?

Answer: I think that these questions must be solved in a group. A group of integral upbringing that takes care of a person’s participation in social communities must  also examine these matters. In a group like this, people have daily opportunities to correct their attitudes and relationships with one another.

I think that the answer is very simple. People should allow themselves to be more honest and to open up to the extent of their advancement in integral upbringing, and they will continue to open up as they continue to mutually complete one another. When I feel that my partner does not complete me, he does not understand me yet and I do not understand him. I do not know how to open up. I do not know how to act in these situations.

We remain somewhat neutral, but as soon as we are able to introduce into our mutual contact any of our inner resources—such as desires, needs, thoughts, and habits—we do it. It is necessary to make a person feel that integral interaction is most important.

As soon as it becomes a possibility on any level, you immediately include your desires, thoughts, needs, weaknesses, and anything in him. The main thing is to give him the objective to unite, and that is it. Then, a person becomes his own psychologist.
[88568]
From a Talk on Integral Upbringing 5/3/12

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It is said in the Bible that a woman was created from a man’s rib. The original Hebrew word for “rib” means both rib and shadow.

That is, a woman is created as a reflection of a man, and, for this reason, she must help him and give approval and advice accordingly. As it also is written, “Listen to the woman.”

A woman must be a mother, a housewife, a woman in charge. She must feel that the household is her domain, and the husband is in charge of everything that’s outside the household.

A man should obey his wife fully in matters pertaining to their common household, and she should obey him when it comes to resolving all other matters. This is the way they should support one another so that their partnership would correspond to the Biblical verse that says that she exists as the husband’s shadow.

If there is no shadow, then there is no sun. It’s an allegory that can be developed interestingly from a psychological standpoint. When a man and a woman coexist this way, the sun shines upon them and they develop.
[88574]
From a Talk on Integral Upbringing 3/5/12

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Question: Lately you have been directing the men not only to work in the group, but also to work with their wives. Is there a difference from the spiritual viewpoint between a man’s work with a man, a man with a woman, the male part with the female part, or my work with the external world?

Answer: In the meantime yes. All of them are on different levels and I exist in different relationships with them. Nevertheless, we begin from the corporeal, mutual relationships. We are still not disconnected from each other so that I would see only the soul in you. You are a woman. You constitute a part of some group. You have a name of your own, your problems, and your activities. This means that one has to take into account, all that surrounds you. It is also the same thing with the friends.

We exist in a certain framework; we can’t hover in the clouds and detach ourselves from the external sheath. Thus it imposes on us certain commitments. This outer sheath speaks about our special and exact things: man and woman. This is a very strict division in nature according to all the natural functions and we must take this into consideration.

Question: This is about the corporeal world. But from the viewpoint of spirituality, there is only reception and bestowal. Is there a difference in the relation to reception and bestowal? With whom do I participate in a mutual way: with a man, with a woman, or with the external world?

Answer: It depends on what level you are on. If you are already above the level of Hafetz Hesed, that is, bestowal for the sake of bestowal, above the attribute of Bina, then there’s no difference. And until that level, there is a difference.
[86270]
From the Kharkov Convention “Uniting to Ascend” 8/18/12, Lesson 4

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When discussing marital problems with your spouse, it’s important to speak honestly, without keeping anything secret or quietly suffering. We don’t “close” our ears; on the contrary, we remain open for dialog and open ourselves up before our partner.

However at the same time, we don’t make a list of faults or wish to remember the bad. It’s written regarding these faults: “Love will cover all transgressions.” We only bring them out during a conversation when both speak about themselves and their partner. As a consequence, a “pile of garbage” grows between us, and then we need to rise above it. If we were to look at each other while being on the opposite sides of this garbage, we’d only see the garbage, not our partner. So what do we do?

Our only chance is to rise above this dirt. At the same time, we don’t make lifelong promises. Moreover, we know for a fact that this pile will become even bigger next time we speak. Naturally, it grows from one day to another; this is life. And this is why we’ll need this critical evaluation more than once.

And still, once we put everything out on the table, we move on to an opposite exercise, rising above the “dirty laundry.” I want to love my partner the way he appears above this pile, when I look at him with clear eyes, free of criticism. To do this, it’s as if we leave the table where all the garbage is piled up. Now, I see my wife in a different way, the way I saw her the moment I decided to tie my destiny with hers. I now want to stop at our best moment when she was my absolute perfection, and this exercise helps us move forward.

However, we do not simply rise above the dirt. As this approach makes us stronger, we tell one another how perfect she is and how perfect I am. It’s as if we were covering our garbage with a chocolate glaze, sweet pastry with layers of custard, ice cream roses, etc. All the bitterness remains inside, but there is unity on the outside: we give each other complements; tell one another about our partner’s wonderful qualities, the unique virtues of their personality. Here we can speak about the most sacred things, making them look perfect. This will affect both of us for the better and will absolutely change the entire spectrum of our relationship, including our sexual relationship.

So, we do work on the level of psychology and reasoning; we have a praising competition, without joking, make it deep and sincere. We praise the things in one another that we want to reveal to be opposite to the criticism we had in the beginning. This is no longer a discussion of criticism, but a positive analysis. It’s in this way we become stronger in our good intentions in relation to one another.

And then the next stage begins, which is the practical one. Actions support intentions and somewhat validate them. This is why we move on to the next stage of the discussion: “What would my wife want from me and what would I want from her?” Here, each partner reveals all their aspirations to the other: beginning with basic, essential things, and ending with personal and intimate things. At the same time, we try to feel the desires of our partner, their wishes and expectations.

And then the time to act comes, and we become one whole. And this leads to the next exercise that we’ll talk about a bit later which is developing the same kind of attitude towards every person in the world….
[85404]
From “A New Life,” Conversation #34, 7/12/12

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Question: Should a person share their feelings regarding family life with their spouse?

Answer: Yes, there must be no inner divide between a husband and a wife. At times, we feel embarrassed, and sometimes we do not even want to admit something to ourselves. However, we must speak with one another like psychologists. We bare ourselves completely and face one another the way nature made us.

Everyone must regard himself and his partner from the side. Like at a lab bench, we reveal our inner world and discuss everything to the end without any shame, without thinking about the past or the future.

After all, we wish to turn everything into unity. So, let us put all the problems out on the table:

• What is bad about us? Which qualities do we not want to use in their current form? We make a mutual critical analysis.
• What is good about us? What do we want to share with one another? What do we want to develop?

Together, we figure out what is wrong with our ugly nature, and, simultaneously, we show that we are prepared to rise above it, and unite once and for all. We hate one another when it comes to mutual criticism, and we barely manage to live with one another out of hopelessness. We are held by children, debt, and responsibilities, and we tolerate family life. However, at the same time, we look for a way to improve it.

When we talk, we must understand human nature, desires for food, sex and family, as well as money, respect, power, and knowledge. We must understand that everyone has envy and lust, and ambition and love for power burning within them.

We discuss each other’s inner world and then our mutual, shared world that we must build between us. At first, we speak about human nature as a whole in a psychological manner. Then, we examine which of these common things are inherent in each one of us.

We talk about our qualities, suspicions, impulses, passions, habits, and other things, without shame or fear. I do not even realize that I have some of these qualities, but I must know about them. At least, I must know how they appear in the eyes of my life partner.

So, I say everything out loud: how I disagree with the things that exist inside me, what are the things that I lack, and what I would like to conceal instead of displaying. It is as if I were on a lab bench when talking about myself, and together with my partner, we examine my qualities, and then we discuss my partner in the exact same way.

This allows us to open ourselves without remaining confined to our boundaries. We neither praise nor blame. We state facts objectively the way a doctor does, not performing esthetic evaluations during an examination. He defines a problem and solves it. Roughly speaking, he regards me as a “piece of flesh” that needs to be corrected, and we also impartially note good and bad qualities in one another without getting personal.

For example, my wife tells me, “You are so cheap. I did not know I was marrying such a tightwad. This really bothers me. You ordered one salad for both of us when celebrating my birthday at the restaurant. It has been ten years since then, and you have not once taken me out to a restaurant. You wake me every time you get out of bed at night even though you could be more careful. In the morning, you get up five minutes before you need to leave the house, and I must get all your things together in five minutes.”

We discuss problems. My wife helps me realize the things that are bad in me, and this is a great thing. However, this conversation is not in the form of a squabble or hurtful demands. It is objective. It is done with love or, at least, from the point of view of a doctor examining a patient.

For example, a psychologist listens to you while having a cup of coffee with a pastry, and then, in a similar manner, he explains to you the things that are bad in you. You leave him with a broken heart while he makes final comments in a notebook and pours another cup of coffee for himself. This is objectivity. I rise above personal interest and simply tell my partner what I see in him.

I will make the following example to better understand this approach. I am starting a new position where I have a one-week probation. I am very worried about this testing period because whether I will get the job depends on it, and now my wife who knows me inside out tells me about all my faults that I must watch out for at work with love and no personal offense.

Even though I do not like hearing about it or seeing her while she is listing facts, I rise above my ego and accept her words very seriously. I do not disregard them. I am grateful to my wife for this preparation as I comprehend my faults.

My wife tells me, “Do not forget to throw away the empty bag when you make yourself coffee. Do not blow your nose loudly. Do not ask for clarification…” All the points of her “diagnosis” benefit me. She is more than a doctor; she participates in my problems with love and care.

In the end, we both want to achieve unity, and this is why we make an evening of diagnosing. For example, when I get back home from work, we open a bottle of wine and put some toast and my favorite Greek salad with feta on the table. We even light a candle for atmosphere and have a peaceful discussion
[85292]
From a “Talk about New Life” 7/12/12

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Question: Could you give a specific example of a correct family relationship? I do not yet fully understand it.

Answer: For example, the wife thinks that her husband is not supporting her; she feels lonely. However, she needs to treat him and speak with him like she feels his support one hundred percent. Instead of becoming upset that he gives her no support at all, she thanks him for being so helpful and supportive, and how will the husband respond?

At first, he will be shocked because he thought that she was going to start fighting with him. He will think that she is being sarcastic, but this situation is not just turned upside down, here we have an opposite that comes from another opposite, and from another opposite. This is because she sees faults in you, then she applies them to herself, and tells you what she would have actually seen in you if her egoism was not getting in the way.

Question: I do not understand how I can say the opposite from what I feel!

Answer: Please understand that we do not see the world. We only see ourselves! Every person has a filter before their eyes that only allows me to see what is good and what is bad for me.

This is so that I could distance myself from the things that harm me and become closer to the things that are good for me. I see the world very selectively.

I do not know and am not familiar with the real world, which exists outside of me on the other side of my hands that I am using to cover my eyes. I do not understand it and do not know anything about it.

It presents itself to me the way my egoistic desire paints it, but when I begin to perceive this egoistic desire as an enemy and I wish to see the world as good, then I wish to remove these egoistic, distorting glasses, and to do this, I speak well about all the things I see as bad.

This does not mean that I am lying to you because I treat you as a mother treats her child, and I like all of your qualities. This is how I will see you once I remove the egoistic glasses because only a perfect world exists outside of me.

Question: But I am still wearing these distorting, criticizing glasses!

Answer: However, you wish to see beyond them. Rise above your knowledge. Your natural egoism is soldered in these lenses. This is why you only see faults in your partner when you look at her.

If these were regular glasses, you would simply take them off and throw them out, but these lenses are implanted in you, and this is why you must accept everything that is bad as good. Remember, you are looking through distorted glasses.

“Love covers all transgressions.” This means that there will be no crimes left, only love, instead of them. You love everything in your partner. You simply do not notice any faults in her because habit becomes second nature. Try as hard as you can until it becomes a habit!

Let us decide that, from this moment on, we will behave at home as if we were both perfect and there are no contradictions between us, like we really want to do as much good as we can for one another and be like one body, not physically, in bed, but emotionally, internally. You will see all this materialize after a multitude of these kinds of exercises.

However, naturally, here you cannot do it without social pressure from the environment. You never leave this never-ending seminar. You simply exist within it, and then you will suddenly see the nature inside and outside you begin to change. You will see the world to be different, as well as yourself and all your relationships. Everything will change. As it is written, “I saw an opposite world.”

This seems to be a psychological exercise, but there is a lot of depth to it. We need a collective force to influence us and help us begin these exercises. However, there is a very important condition here: The teacher in this group needs to come from the community of Bnei Baruch.
[85259]
From “A New Life” 7/12/12

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