Question: Is it worthwhile for a husband and a wife to live separately during the Convention?

Answer: I think it is better to live separately to completely disconnect yourself from any earthly connections. You should leave in a way that no strings are left attached to become included into this spiritual action and that’s it! So men and women should, perhaps, stay in different rooms the way it is usually done in the army, in a boarding school, or any other similar facilities.

Question: And what about the animal desires?

Answer: There will be no animal desires as they will be neutralized by the enormous power that will rule over everyone. You will get disconnected from all earthly desires.

If the convention is good, you won’t feel the need in anything besides the feeling of connection. You will feel disgusted by everything else. You will repel everything that distracts you. If the convention is serious and strong, it will happen this way.
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From the Virtual lesson 7/29/12

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Question: I am confused by your suggestion to keep back one’s criticism regarding others. I am afraid that if I will not be releasing this, I will eventually explode or develop an ulcer.

Answer: But why does one need to look at every person with a critical eye? And if such a negative evaluation occurs automatically, it means that every second you have an opportunity to rise above your dissatisfaction higher and higher in order to see virtues in others instead of shortcomings.

It is as if you are constantly turning your initial impression around. You see how some wretched rascal is being naughty and suddenly you look closer and you recognize that it is your own son. Oh, what a mistake I made, since I thought it was the neighbor’s kid that was misbehaving. When I see that it is my son, I am only touched by his mischief.

Try to work it out well. You won’t be able to achieve anything on your own, but come to us for courses and seminars. You need to study, to train, and to get support from the environment where such an attitude is valued.

And then, you will not be accumulating any irritation inside of you and developing an ulcer, but on the contrary, you will feel pleasure! You will look around and will not see any shortcomings in anyone. Since all of the flaws in others that are irritating you today, belong to you. And then you will see a perfect world.

Question: But I will only reach such an attitude at the end, how can I live through the transition stage if I cannot make any critical remarks to my wife because she is my mirror? I must transfer all of that negativity onto myself. Not a word throughout the whole day, then I will simply explode! It is well known that it is much better for health and family relations to speak one’s mind immediately and not to be accumulating irritation inside yourself. But I must be silent?

Answer: You must hold a continuous workshop among the two of you, to exercise, just like at the family relationships courses where you were taught to speak with each other correctly. Discuss how you see each other and that it is a mirror, which shows you yourselves. Talk about the influence of the environment, about human egoism. If you will be discussing this continously and experiencing it, doing exercises, clarifying, how you see each other and why, then this will become a habit, which will become a second nature.

Such an attitude will become rooted inside of you, and the environment will help you not to forget about it. And in the same way, you will continue this at home. You never leave the seminar. You participate in it during the courses in order to later continue it for the rest of your life.

The workshop is not something occasional. It is like a diet, which once you have started, you cannot quit. And if you quit it, then all of your efforts have come to nothing. The seminar’s purpose is to give us a push for moving a little deeper inside into a more accurate clarification. However, we never fall out of this discussion, but we continue it. From seminar to seminar, we only raise the record ever higher with each time.
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From a Talk About New Life 7/12/12

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The solution is primarily in the organization of the environment in which everyone would be able to fill up on the fuel for working above reason, that is, egoism. In order to do this, we begin working with a few married couples and conduct exercises and discussions.

It’s similar to how people come into a specific society, for example wanting to lose weight without having any clue about how to do it, but only having a big desire. In the same way, we gather 10-20 people into groups and influence each other. From that, each one feels the strength, the importance of the goal, and pressure.

`We are united by a common goal, to build good family relations. All couples look at your family and impart to you the force to stay above mutual egoism, in mutual love and bestowal. They are constantly feeding you with energy, importance; they supply you with the means to remain above the ego. The more couples in such a group, the better and stronger they are. Besides that, it’s important how connected they are with each other.

We have not yet come to the realization that our nature is the most important obstacle on the path towards the good life. If you still don’t understand what your egoism is, ask your wife and she’ll tell you about who you are. Likewise, you can tell her about all of her shortcomings.

However, the shortcomings that everyone wants to change in the other are actually their own egoism. We see the negative qualities in a partner as a reflection of our own egoism, just like in a mirror. Everything bad that I see on the opposite side belongs to me, beyond any doubt. Even if I am sure that such qualities are absolutely not characteristic of me, rather the opposite side has inherited them from their mother or grandmother, in actuality, all of them are my own flaws.

However, we understand that we have no choice and we must get rid of our criticism, to rise above it, above the entire negativity that we see in our partner. While at the same time she behaves in exactly the same way towards me, rising above her criticism, and we relate to each other as to complete perfection. My spouse is really ideal and my only wish is to make all her wishes come true, I am ready to do everything for her. And in exactly the same way, she wants to do everything for me.

If we have the necessary fuel, then we’ll realize all of that. And then we won’t be demanding proof of slavish devotion from each other day and night. On the contrary, we’ll see that by the virtue of our love, we demand almost nothing of each other. I am happy to do everything for my spouse by myself, and she for me. It turns out that we enjoy the smallest, simplest things, and from this get great mutual pleasure.

I won’t need to buy expensive gifts; just an internal feeling that fulfills us in such a way that we no longer need anything. We feel similar to how newlyweds feel, ready to live in a small flat in the most modest of conditions, only to be together. This is what “love covers all transgressions” means. There is no transgression or shortcoming, which cannot be filled with love.
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From a Talk About New Life 7/12/12

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Question: If I were to regard my partner as a mirror where you see your faults, then this will keep bringing me back to myself. Thus, instead of developing a connection with my partner, will this exercise then only focus on me?

Answer: But instead of hiding in my own shell, I must rise above all this. Let’s start everything from the beginning, from point zero. I look at my wife and see a number of faults. Now I begin to apply all these faults to myself because it’s written that: “Every person judges to the extent of his own corruption.”

For this reason I get back to myself and say that all these flaws are in me. If I were perfect I would not see any of this. If I loved my wife, I would not see any faults in her! It’s like a mother in relation to her child who does not see anything bad in him. This is the way natural motherly love works, blinding you. And even when the mother notices certain faults in her child, she loves them and considers them to be cute.

In other words, primarily, I begin to understand that all the faults I see in my spouse are in me and the reason I see them is because of my lack of love for her. This is why I must raise myself to a level where I stop seeing faults in her, like a mother and her favorite child. This is called, rising above your egoism.

With the help of my spouse, I have performed certain measurements in me and have evaluated the level that I am at and the height to which I must ascend to rise above myself. It turns out that I have a partner who helps me rise above my nature. Imagine the treasure I have at home; this is a real treasure!

For now I have only risen above my ego by using my partner as a mirror. Now I am moving on. I have risen above myself and I no longer work with my desires and qualities. In this neutral state, I try to feel, examine, and understand desires, qualities, aspirations, and the goals of another person, for example, my spouse’s. I try to accept them as something that matters most to me and live to fulfill them.

I feel that if we were to mutually act this way, from both sides, then our life would be beautiful. The problem is that I am unable to remain in this state. It’s very difficult and requires a lot of effort. I am able to keep it up for a few minutes, but then I drop it and require support. It’s simply impossible to constantly remain in this state, this awful pressure.

It’s very easy to be egoistically thinking about yourself as nature constantly provides us with fuel for this. There’s a constant egoistic engine incessantly spinning in us, working from morning till night and even while we sleep. And this requires enormous strength, inhuman efforts, which I am simply incapable of. So what do I do?

This is the way we reach the next decision. The first decision was to rise above my egoism. The second one is to accept my partner’s egoism instead of my own. Then I see that I am unable to remain in this state and I need an environment and support. The environment serves as the source of power and significance, which essentially is the same thing. In other words, it must provide me with the sensation of the incredible importance of this work above my egoism and for the benefit of my neighbor. It’s able to give this to me. And then, I will feel even freer when taking care of my neighbor than when I was taking care of myself. It’s as if I have nothing to worry about, this is the kind of freedom and peace that I feel.

First of all, all my problems and hardships disappear because I have risen above my nature. I feel like I live in a world full of kindness. I only care for my neighbor, free of worrying about myself, like a bird, soaring in the sky. This is the way I will feel, if others give me energy, importance, and aspiration.
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From a “A New Life” 7/12/12

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Question: What would you wish to young people who are going to have a family so that they could build happy, positive relationships?

Answer: Happiness is based on a correct balance between the desires and feelings and reason and calculation. We cannot cross out anything and build it one-sidedly. That is why, in order to grasp this system, we must understand that a person includes the entire universe, the cosmos. And in order to compare properly, to connect two people, one needs a special computer, giving so many options that I cannot imagine that this is possible.

But the balance of two such complex systems, each of which consists of the heart and mind that are in union and in contradiction with each other, is possible only if we know how it works. And nature drives us to it.

That is why in the process of our development, our evolution, we have come to the state where we are required to stock up on some knowledge. This would not require a lot of time: a dozen or two dozen classes, lessons, and various examples, until we begin to feel what a man is, how he works, moves, how he reacts to everything, what he is made of, and how to resolve conflicts that do not let them grow up ugly. All this can be studied. Only then I would advise to take a serious decision. It is necessary to look at marriage as a serious venture, which can give an echo for a lifetime. So, may it be positive rather than negative.
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From a “Talk on Integral Upbringing” 7/8/2012 

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Question: In the middle of the twentieth century, a phenomenon called a “Swedish family” has appeared. Its meaning is now somewhat faded. A Swedish family is, in essence, a relationship, which is not officially registered. In Sweden, such an economic situation was formed that made it not beneficial to officially register a marriage, and many people lived in families without a marriage registration.

Many times, you have talked about the fact that it is very important to observe all of the conditions, customary in a society in order to fully realize the condition that husband and wife are one whole. Why is it so important to register your relationships, even if on a religious basis?

Answer: A human is, after all, a psychological system. And probably, there is no way out here. Since even a religious marriage, even in our society, which is far from religion, still binds you to something. Call it fear, prejudice, whatever you want, in any case the young and the old people do abide by it.

That is why I am for any culture, any religion to take part in marriage. That, nevertheless, gives a wider psychological base, not spiritual, but psychological, and a person is obliged to uphold the requirements of a marriage. In our memory, in the subconscious, there are such dark, hidden places, which remind us that marriage was entered into in front of our relatives, in the presence of a large number of people, that it has been validated in a religious sense, which proves that we are a family, and so on.

I would even give this event much higher publicity, not glamour, so that it would not mean that we are talking about material costs, but publicity. I would show these families on local TV, meaning that I would basically make it much more fundamental, so that there would be as much internal, psychological obstacles as possible against separating.
[84751]
From a “Talk on Integral Upbringing” 7/8/12

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Question: Does the family constitute a closed system? How is it possible to correctly use the tension that it creates?

Answer: Nowadays, the family rises from the animal level to the level of the human. If people understand this, then they will need to create a completely new kind of family that comes in contact with each other, and in that creates a correct integral family cell. This cell isn’t based on animal connections, and not on shared money, even not on children, since for this purpose institutions and systems were created, which in principle, take all of this upon themselves.

Today, within a family, people are not able to stay together since the couples are not mutually bound in any way from their shared inner level. The previous level remains far behind: We are no longer materially dependent on each other, we don’t have to be together; I am not tied to the family or the home, not to the children, not to religion, not to my village, not to my work, etc. Today a person is free: He bought a ticket, and flew somewhere, and you don’t even know where. He can disappear until the end of life in some corner of the world. Who knows!

In Moscow there is a popular TV program called, “I Am Looking for You” where people look for each other. This is, in principle, the call of the times. People disappear, leave, and don’t even try to give notice about themselves! A person finds something completely different, and he, as if, discovers a new life.

We must understand, that the family rose from the animal to the human level. If we are on that level, there is no reason for them to be together, to compromise, to connect. They don’t see the benefit or the profit from it and don’t see what form of spirituality they need to create between them or how to give birth to spiritual children and not physical ones, to create that same cell that will be called “spiritual family,” and not just a cell that is connected because of shared property, an apartment, or car, etc. If we don’t bring a person to this, then there won’t be a family. This is absolutely accurate!

We need to teach people to create a spiritual family now, meaning to be mutually connected at the next level, not at the corporeal level where each person can get along on his own.
[84748]
From a “Talk on Integral Upbringing” 7/8/12

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Question: When we looked at the system of child development, the stages are defined from the age of zero to three years, from three to six, etc. Are there any steps in family relationships?

Answer: Before marrying, I would strongly advise that all girls and boys take special courses where they study anatomy, physiology, psychology, and integral education. I would give them time, no marriage until they receive a diploma. Let them deal with each other as they want.

It’s a pity how much people spend time, resources, energy, and their health on the unsuccessful attempts to create a family. Still, it does not go unnoticed.

No matter who I talk to, everyone felt wounded, especially if they had children. You can divorce, but the children remain. Children consider the father’s leaving as betrayal. Even if he spent more time with them than living with them under the same roof, even if he showered them with presents, they would still think of him as a traitor. But if he lives in the family, though not giving them a lot of time and even punishing them, he is their father.

It is necessary to explain all this to young people, to show them scenes from life so that they feel that. Then, they will develop a completely different attitude to the union they are entering.
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From a “Talk on Integral Upbringing” 7/8/12

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My wife is my mirror. After all, I never see my partner; rather, in him or her I see a reflection of my qualities. For instance, I don’t understand the beauty standard accepted in China. I look at a woman who has a reputation for being a true beauty and I wonder: I would never call her beautiful. To my taste, her face is too round, her eyes are too narrow, and her hair is too straight. It all seems unattractive to me.

But once I read an article by a Chinese journalist about the international beauty pageant “Miss Asia” and it said that the girl wouldn’t have won in China because her eyes were too big. I was simply stunned about how different our perceptions of beauty were—they were totally opposite. This is why we can’t understand each other.

It follows that I look at the girl in front of me and project upon her all my ideas about beauty. And if I don’t ascend above them, it will affect our entire relationship. I won’t perceive her as she is, with all of her true qualities, but will see in her the reflection of my properties, my taste.

When one looks at a person in an unbiased way, it’s impossible to determine at all whether he or she is beautiful or not. Ask any mother, and she will tell you that nobody looks better in the world than her child. As it is said, “love will cover all sins.”

And on the opposite, our ego, hatred will disfigure all beauty. The appearance of a person whom I hate also becomes unbearable. And although to be objective, I’m ready to admit that according to my criteria, he or she seemingly has a pretty face, I hate it for other reasons.

Only humans exhibit such attitude. Animals don’t look at the beauty; they value in each other power, the ability to procreate, to bear healthy offspring, and raise them till they become independent.

Man, however, is spoiled with the notion of beauty. In truth, this is not beauty, but the demonstration of my ego: special conditions I present to the opposite side, which exceed the necessary minimum required of the physical body.

If we looked at each other rationally, naturally, I would see me before me a healthy, strong woman whom I am ready to marry. After all, I see that she will keep house well. In the past, people used to choose a spouse based on this simple, egoistic principle. Or they took the social standing, wealth into account. People didn’t pay much attention to the beauty, but used to choose a spouse based on simple, pragmatic reasons: what is good for life.

More often, even parents used to choose and act as matchmakers for the couples, not the young people. This was customary in most cultures. Or they turned for advice to a clever, respected person. In our times we suddenly come to such distortion that it in particular obliges us to perform the correction.

Today we consider only whether we love each other or not. All movies tell only about such love. It wasn’t like that before. We don’t understand how people lived a hundred or two hundred years ago. Love or mutual attraction wasn’t in the field of view. Sexual attraction did play a role, but it’s not what today we mean by the concept of love. It has developed just very recently and spoiled our entire life…. Hence, if we use it correctly and “cover all sins with our love,” if we deal with our impulse to love or hate the other in this particular way, we will succeed.
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From a “Talk on Integral Upbringing” 7/31/2012 

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Question: How should I see my other half to realize the integral principle in our relationship?

Answer: Both mutually rise above our egoism in each other, until you find such a point of tangency where you are one common whole. This is called “Adam” from whom through the means of splitting, man and woman occurred. In general, the “biblical” Adam is an integral structure, a “unisex” system. There is no woman and no man in it. Subsequently, this system has broken apart into two parts in order to reveal the complete set of their opposite qualities in the most maximum form.

This maximum opposition is what is being revealed today, since we can no longer be together in any kind of relationships. This can be seen in the flourishing of various kinds of unusual, unnatural types of sex, from the impossibility of being able to exist together, and from the ease and corruptness of connections, and so on. This means that we have arrived at a state where we have to begin to restore the structure of Adam from its complete opposition.

This is a very good state, similar to how a child is given a completely disassembled building block set or a puzzle so that he can assemble it together. It’s from this assembly that we’ll attain ourselves, nature, the Creator, and it’ll be clearer to us who we are and where we exist. In the end, we’ll attain the internal part of the world, its concealed force, current, plan, and we’ll be able to reveal for ourselves a completely different level of the universe, eternity, and perfection. All of this is possible. This is evidenced by science today.
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From a “Talk on Integral Upbringing” 7/8/12

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