Married, But Free As A Bird!

Dr. Michael LaitmanQuestion: If I were to regard my partner as a mirror where you see your faults, then this will keep bringing me back to myself. Thus, instead of developing a connection with my partner, will this exercise then only focus on me?

Answer: But instead of hiding in my own shell, I must rise above all this. Let’s start everything from the beginning, from point zero. I look at my wife and see a number of faults. Now I begin to apply all these faults to myself because it’s written that: “Every person judges to the extent of his own corruption.”

For this reason I get back to myself and say that all these flaws are in me. If I were perfect I would not see any of this. If I loved my wife, I would not see any faults in her! It’s like a mother in relation to her child who does not see anything bad in him. This is the way natural motherly love works, blinding you. And even when the mother notices certain faults in her child, she loves them and considers them to be cute.

In other words, primarily, I begin to understand that all the faults I see in my spouse are in me and the reason I see them is because of my lack of love for her. This is why I must raise myself to a level where I stop seeing faults in her, like a mother and her favorite child. This is called, rising above your egoism.

With the help of my spouse, I have performed certain measurements in me and have evaluated the level that I am at and the height to which I must ascend to rise above myself. It turns out that I have a partner who helps me rise above my nature. Imagine the treasure I have at home; this is a real treasure!

For now I have only risen above my ego by using my partner as a mirror. Now I am moving on. I have risen above myself and I no longer work with my desires and qualities. In this neutral state, I try to feel, examine, and understand desires, qualities, aspirations, and the goals of another person, for example, my spouse’s. I try to accept them as something that matters most to me and live to fulfill them.

I feel that if we were to mutually act this way, from both sides, then our life would be beautiful. The problem is that I am unable to remain in this state. It’s very difficult and requires a lot of effort. I am able to keep it up for a few minutes, but then I drop it and require support. It’s simply impossible to constantly remain in this state, this awful pressure.

It’s very easy to be egoistically thinking about yourself as nature constantly provides us with fuel for this. There’s a constant egoistic engine incessantly spinning in us, working from morning till night and even while we sleep. And this requires enormous strength, inhuman efforts, which I am simply incapable of. So what do I do?

This is the way we reach the next decision. The first decision was to rise above my egoism. The second one is to accept my partner’s egoism instead of my own. Then I see that I am unable to remain in this state and I need an environment and support. The environment serves as the source of power and significance, which essentially is the same thing. In other words, it must provide me with the sensation of the incredible importance of this work above my egoism and for the benefit of my neighbor. It’s able to give this to me. And then, I will feel even freer when taking care of my neighbor than when I was taking care of myself. It’s as if I have nothing to worry about, this is the kind of freedom and peace that I feel.

First of all, all my problems and hardships disappear because I have risen above my nature. I feel like I live in a world full of kindness. I only care for my neighbor, free of worrying about myself, like a bird, soaring in the sky. This is the way I will feel, if others give me energy, importance, and aspiration.
From a “A New Life” 7/12/12

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