Comment: A letter from Irina: “We were together since the first grade at school, and we never quarreled. He used to carry my school bag already in the third grade, and all the boys laughed at him. But we became even better friends, and everyone envied us. After school, we studied at the Institute of Technology together, in the same department. In the third year we got married. Our parents were friends. We gave birth to two children. I do not understand where the irritation, rejection, and hatred have come from, we knew each other thoroughly!

Today we are already divorced. Until now court trials and disputes have been going on. It was a terrible break-up! I cannot hear his voice, I cannot see him! I have constant inner pain! I do not understand how this could have happened to me! I do not know what I did wrong!”

My Response: You did not work on yourself. You thought nothing would change. But a person is constantly changing, not to mention two people, and even more so those who have known each other and have been together all the time. They change a lot throughout their lifetime. And since they were used to each other, for them the slightest changes lead to very sharp internal reactions.

It turns out that I can suddenly see another person as mean, disgusting, opposite to me, constantly perceiving me and my attitude ambiguously, and so on. It is precisely because they know each other too well. Therefore, now even the slightest change causes huge disturbances between us.

Comment: According to human logic, the better we know each other, the closer we are and the greater is the love between us. And you claim that it is the other way around.

My Response: The bigger the commotion can be. Therefore, we need to constantly arouse all sorts of allegedly negative properties and relationships between us so that we can train with them and turn them into positive ones.

Question: So you say that marriage is a constant exercise?

Answer: A permanent one! As my teacher said: “Love is a beast that lives between you, an evil beast. And if you constantly feed it, then everything is fine.”

Question: What does this beast grow into if it is constantly fed?

Answer: It will be big next to you. And you will be dealing with it together until old age.

Question: And this beast is called love?

Answer: Yes. And in fact, it is very, very scary.

Question: So they must see in advance that their relationship will change sharply and oppositely?

Answer: Yes, they should foresee it. And they should even play it.

Question: What do we feed this beast with?

Answer: With concessions. That is, we can deliberately annoy it and learn to concede.

Question: Please, reveal the secret of a long married life together. What does this mean for you?

Answer: For me, it means to let the husband live his life.

Question: And what about the wife?

Answer: The same about the wife. And if they have something in common, it is, of course, children.

But neither with my studies nor with my profession do I in any way invade her respective area and she does not invade mine. In this way we give each other the possibility of life—inner life, basically, after all.

And the most important thing is taking care of children. It is our common area. In principle, after all, people couple and get married in order to give birth and raise children and grandchildren.

Question: What is love?

Answer: Love is the desire to let another person exist next to you in a way that is comfortable for him. This, I think, is the secret of love and a long, normal life together, although it is very, very difficult because we live for a very long time, twice as long as we used to. And that is why it is not easy.
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From KabTV’s “News with Dr. Michael Laitman” 12/9/21

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What To Do If Love Is Gone?
How To Save A Marriage
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