Question: How should I correctly pass through the states of work on my ego so that I will not harm the group? An immense feeling of shame appears that, through my states, I am “drilling a hole in the boat” because it is impossible to overcome them constantly during an ascent.
Answer: The most important thing in life is not to berate yourself, don’t assume that you are to blame.
I am as I am: harmful, callous, lacking understanding, not hearing, an egoist who is insensitive to others. The others can be so thoughtful, so sensitive. When found among a hundred people, they always are paying attention to something about their friends. They respond sharply to everything, and this is all alive in them. As for me, it is as if I am found in the middle of an empty field: closed off, unaffected by people. That is how I was created.
I must understand that this is my role in the general Kli (the spiritual Kli), and I don’t have to have complaints. I don’t need to be like someone else, and the most important thing is that I must not forget to thank the Creator at every moment even though, along with this, I am in very deplorable situations.
He makes me go through these situations. If I am ashamed in them, this is a sign that I have not corrected myself yet. I have not brought myself into adhesion with Him; I have not risen to this level. However, I already am moving toward Him and understand what I must do. The next state will be a little better, more corrected, and that is how it is until I reach the possibility that, with all my soul, I will bless the Creator for what He is doing with me.
But it is necessary to very quickly leave a state of eating oneself. We often blame ourselves, “I am such a nothing! They are so great! So, what about me?” To me, all the friends seem to be perfect and caring. They understand each other, whereas I don’t understand anything. I never think about anyone. Why should I be concerned about someone all of sudden? None of that is me. I am an egoist! I pay attention only to what they have more and I have less.
These are very good states. From them, we learn about our nature, and from our oppositeness, we attain the Creator. However, it is necessary to realize this nature correctly. We learn gradually.
Sometimes physical distance from the group helps, being involved in some kind of unique work that will take all of the previous states from me. It is necessary to do something, for sometimes we fight fire with fire that is exactly the same but its opposite, as the fire extinguishes the fire.
From the Convention In Sochi “Day Two” 7/14/14, Lesson 4