Question: Have you had experience with spiritual attainment in previous incarnations before coming into this world in your current form?

Answer: Probably, yes, as far as I understand myself. Essentially, it was the so-called “Spanish variant.” But it does not matter. What is the difference? It does not change anything. After all, we all come from somewhere.

All souls have undergone countless incarnations of all kinds. In truth, we do not know why things turn out as they do. Personally, I can say that I have been “rewarded” with the responsibility to carry out the work I am doing now. Of course, on one hand, it is something honorable, special, and respected. But on the other hand, I feel heavily burdened by it, though I cannot argue against what has been placed upon me from above.

If I had the choice, I would have picked a different role for myself. I would have preferred to be a deeply introspective Kabbalist working in seclusion, without engaging in the minor details of everyday life like this current level of practical dissemination. Even though I understand that dissemination is the most important thing, it somehow does not align with my nature.

Perhaps I do not fully understand myself yet, as I seem to disagree with the Creator in this regard, but I would prefer to be a reclusive scholarly Kabbalist, someone who studies, attains, and develops inner processes. Yet here I am, put in a position like a traffic officer at a crossroads who directs pedestrian flows this way and that way. To be honest, I do not feel equipped for this role.

I do not know Hebrew or Aramaic as well as I should. In general I struggle with languages, aside from Russian, of course, even with English. But what does the Russian language have to do with Kabbalah? Absolutely nothing.

It feels as though I have been “decapitated” and placed, essentially unfit, in this role. And inwardly I do not agree with it. I feel obligated to do this because the importance of the goal compels me. But fundamentally I would never have chosen myself for this job. I would have chosen someone else: someone knowledgeable, understanding, strict, and strong, someone with immense capabilities and potential.

But as the saying goes, “Man proposes, and God dispose”; He disposes with power and might, and does as He sees fit. Of course, we must accept this, even though it is entirely unclear what is happening.

Baal HaSulam, clearly, was a great sage, a great philosopher, a great erudite, a multifaceted individual with a profound understanding of all of creation, from the lowest levels of our world to the heights of the spiritual world. He truly deserved to lead people.

And now, look at this world, this humanity, all these miserable, confused people wandering as if in a fog. And who am I? Essentially someone just like them, merely given the task of stepping ahead by one single step.

When you walk an uncharted path, you must proceed with a staff in hand following the one ahead of you, stepping precisely in the same spots they stepped in; only then can you avoid falling.

This is the rule: when treading untrodden trails, you must follow closely behind the guide, step for step, with a staff in hand. But here you practically have no staff, no guide ahead of you, nor their tracks. And this is natural because we are indeed traveling a new path. Perhaps it has to be this way: to move forward through trial and error, through searching. This is the path by which a new person is created.

We do not understand what the Creator is doing with us. Birth arises from nothingness, from emptiness. Even the books we have offer us nothing. Of course, we can seemingly understand a little with our earthly minds, and fill ourselves with some small amount of understanding, some little contentment. But all of this is absolutely unimportant.

It is all just to calm us a little, to persuade us to continue.

But in reality, the whole path lies only in rising above yourself, like a magnet lifting you with the upper light—above your sensations, your knowledge, and your understanding, above everything you have in all your feelings and intellect. Only in this way do you ascend, like a balloon rising into the air. And somewhere out there, in the unknown, after reaching some peak, another state opens up to you.
[339759]
From KabTV’s “I Got A Call. Why Am I?” 4/24/10

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