Question: What is my free choice in relation to my thoughts?
Answer: All thoughts that are within me at the moment, all sensations and understandings, all data that I as if “scan” and then process, through synthesis and analysis, all these parameters are given from Above. What I feel, how I feel, what kinds of decisions I make, all this is already predetermined from Above, right up to this moment. One can ask now: What will be from this moment on? In this “from now on” there is a parameter called my free choice.
With regards to thoughts, free choice is in the external desire and the external mind that belong to the group. After the shattering I am divided into two parts. In my sensations, one part is outside of me, whereas I perceive the second part internally as myself. Thereby my inner heart and mind appear, meaning myself, as well as an external heart and mind, meaning the group. All that I need to do is to begin to connect these two parts together, into one Kli.
Here my struggle and problems begin, and this comprises the order of the work and all corrections. By trying to come to terms with the part that constantly demonstrates to me its confrontation and opposition, I feel that I need the Creator, the only one who can connect these two parts together. The stronger I need Him to reconcile these two opposing parts together, to that degree I agree with the Creator, with His nature, with His existence, and with His rule, I agree that this property would govern me.
The more that I try to annul myself before the group, the more obvious it becomes to me that I am not ready to subdue myself before the others. Ultimately, I will “beat myself black and blue” to finally clarify that I’m not ready to yield under any circumstances. I reach such hatred that it’s like Mount Sinai (“Sinah” means “hatred” in Hebrew). But because I’ve tried to annul myself so many times I realize that I must do this, and therefore I feel the need for the help of the upper force.
From the 1st part to the Daily Kabbalah Lesson 4/19/13, Shamati #68