Answer: We have to reach the state in which the study becomes a “potion of death.” In order to do that, I have to discover that I am immersed in my ego and that I hate everyone including the Creator. I see that I don’t want to connect with anyone and to bestow upon anyone. But I know that this is the goal of creation and I have to attain it. This means that I already discover two lines that contradict each other.
Along with my inner understanding of the necessity to reach bestowal, I discover that my nature is opposite from it. Then I discover that it is the “potion of death.” I have to find out that receiving for myself and using others are deadly for me.
I look at the friends’ faces and understand that I want to use them all: I want to be more clever than all of them, more beautiful, more strong, and more successful.
If my approach to each of them weren’t like that, I wouldn’t feel and see that anyone exists at all. I wouldn’t discern him in my sensory organs, since behind my sight there is my ego, and if I don’t intend to use a person for my benefit, I don’t see him at all. He doesn’t exist for me!
So it is a high level if I discover that I am in a state of Lo Lishma (not for Her name) and that I want to use everyone, but understand that it is the “potion of death,” which means the opposite of what it should be. After all, I want the truth, but I exist within this lie. It is a result of a great Light that comes to a man and illuminates on him showing him the real corrupt state he is in and enables him to understand it.
From the 1st part the Daily Kabbalah Lesson 11/30/12, “Introduction to the Study of the Ten Sefirot”