Answer: You should be happy about that because it is the revelation of evil. Without revealing evil, we won’t reach goodness.
I see that in the end, the only thing I want from my actions for the group’s sake is to extract personal benefit. What next?
The problem is that this “point of epiphany” alone is not enough. You cannot do anything with it. My action has to be aimed; it has to have a vector. Otherwise my inner force remains merely potential, like a muffled engine. It may even be a good engine with a capacity of 200 cc, but so what?
I have to “wind up” my desire and aim it at a specific action. That means I need two points to make up a vector. The mind is what gives this direction to my force. That is why force and reason work well with one another. This is lawful.
So even if I have reached despair in my attitude to the group, this does not yet give me an opportunity to act. Now I have to connect my state with the goal.
I have just felt that I am opposite to myself. Egoism has been revealed in my actions or in one of my actions: I did it for myself and could not aim it at the friends.
First of all I have to remember that there is none else beside Him. The problem is not that I didn’t succeed at it, but that the Creator organized this situation for me, as well as its analysis. It becomes clear that I could not do anything because of my egoism, and that’s because the Creator wished to teach me, to show me that I am ruled by the ego.
So what should I do? Why did He want me to feel this? It was so that through it I would realize the importance of the goal, the quality of bestowal, which is opposite to what I have just revealed.
Where will I get this importance? From that very state. After all, there is no Light without a vessel, no sensation that does not include the combination of both the Light and the Kli. What will I compare myself to in order to feel that I am evil? It happens in comparison to how I understand bestowal, imagining that I could have acted better by treating the friends better.
In that case there are already two points! How then, can I now shift form the point of my own insignificance and nastiness to the point of bestowal? What do I lack? I lack force, and this is what I should demand.
But that’s not all. Why should I demand it? Is it in order to make myself feel good, to stop feeling repulsed by myself? After all, my egoism suffers from the recent “revelation.” In that case it would turn out that I am still an egoist, only having gone through a second “twist” and being on the next level of self-love.
Rather, I don’t want all of my work and its result to pursue personal profit. I want to perform an action in which I will reveal pleasure for the Creator. He corrects me and I want this to give Him pleasure.
That is how I try to advance forward a little bit more, and then a little bit more, as much as possible. These are my first attempts, which I must literally “chew up,” “taste” on my tongue, or more precisely, “break up” with my teeth.
From the 1st part of the Daily Kabbalah Lesson 2/28/11, Writings of Rabash