Two questions I received regarding relationships and the spiritual path:

Question: I got married in Peru. After a few years of marriage, my husband left me and our two daughters. Out of despair, I left to go work in Korea. There, I met a good man and we’ve been together 12 years, and have a son who is 9. Is it necessary for me to get an official divorce in order to form a Kabbalistic family?

My Answer: No. No method of registering a person’s marital status invented and performed in this world has any influence on your spiritual development.

Question: I have been studying Kabbalah for almost two years and have been actively involved in dissemination. My partner has also been doing the same. Since I started studying Kabbalah, I’ve come to understand that I want our relationship to be formalized through marriage and that I want to have children. However, he doesn’t feel the same, although he wants to continue living with me. Is my desire proper?

My Answer: You are right to demand marriage and children. Pass my opinion on to him. A person who is working on his spiritual correction has to do everything that regular people do in this world. It is said: “I dwell among my people,” (Be toch ami anochi echevet).

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A question I received: In old times, a man could buy a wife and marriages were arranged by parents. But love can only happen in relation to a specific individual.

In today’s world, marriages aren’t always created for the sake of love. Sometimes it’s because the woman gets pregnant in order to force the man to marry her. Other times, a marriage is required in order to be able to move from one place to another. There are other examples. So you have created a family and now you must protect it. What if feelings arise toward another person when you are already a “cell in the society”? Then, what is a family and what is love?

My Answer: Throughout history, humanity has treated the family as a cell within a society that must be created and developed. In any nation or culture, love was never the motivation for starting a family. The purpose behind family was to be able to exist within the framework of this world.

Today, we are on the brink of realizing another goal: the purpose of the family living for the sake of reaching the Upper World. But while we are still on the threshold, we must free ourselves from the old relationships within the family and realize the purpose of the new, higher goal. At this transition point, we are still analyzing our nature and studying ourselves. We do this in order to come to the realization that our nature is evil and that we must rise above it

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A question I received: How does a woman’s spiritual development depend on a man? I am a man, and the study of Kabbalah is my entire life. However, my wife watches sitcoms and thinks mostly about how to make more money. For the sake of saving our marriage she sometimes watches Channel 66 (“The Kabbalah Channel”) together with me, and even reads your blog. But nothing goes in. Can I “pull” her onto my level? I need her and we have two very young children, but on the other hand I want to devote myself completely to Kabbalah.

My Answer: Each person receives an aspiration to reveal the Upper World (a point in the heart) individually from above. You have no right to force your wife to be interested in Kabbalah.

If she allows you to study Kabbalah in your free time, then you must agree to all of her other conditions. In addition, you should show her how grateful you are to her for this. This will help you in your spiritual development and in working with your egoism.

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In the News (from The National Post): “Women bear brunt of bad marriage woes, study says” Men and women in bad marriages both feel depressed, but women are the only ones to suffer from high blood pressure, abdominal fat and other high risk factors for heart disease and stroke. But the same wasn’t true for their husbands. “Women tend to value the quality of relationships more than men do, and perhaps, even more important, they pay attention more, so when it’s not going well, they’re aware of it and more concerned about it than are men,” says Tim Smith, the study’s co-author and a psychology professor at the University of Utah.

My Comment: Men are less dependent on women and less attached to them. This is Eve’s “condemnation following the sin,” which says: “Your yearning shall be for your husband, and he will rule over you.”

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Two questions I received on love, marriage and divorce:

Question: I’ve heard someone say that a couple’s sexual relationship is an indication of their standing in the spiritual world. But surveys show that 65% of people lose their attraction for their partner after two years of living together, although some of them still maintain a wonderful relationship. It seems that 65% of families should be “broken up” in spite of the kids, but divorces cripple our children!

My Answer: Families should stay together, and the way to do this is to make compromises to one another as much as possible.

Question: My wife is 14 years younger than me. She is not Jewish and has never been interested in spirituality, but she converted to Judaism in order for us to get married. We have a two-year old son. We split up because of her stubbornness: she always thinks she is right. She is materialistic and likes anything that “shines.” I gave her everything I could, and even more because right now I am on the verge of bankruptcy.

In spite of everything, I still love her and she loves me in her own way, but our egos won’t let us make up. Plus, I am afraid of getting another divorce. Yet, despite everything, just seeing her smile makes me happy. Is this love or am I just satisfying my own ego? Maybe your advice will help me.

My Answer: It’s best to do what you did before: be together, in love, and with your son.

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In the News (from MailOnline): “How bad bed habits are forcing 20% of couples to sleep alone… and leading 7% to divorce” Problems and arguments caused through lack of sleep due to being kept awake by their partner caused 7 per cent of men and women questioned to file for divorce. Couples are admitting to sleeping in a separate room to avoid being disturbed by their partners.

In the News (translated from La Repubblica): “Sleeping in separate rooms is good for your marriage” Studies show that a night spent in separate rooms makes a relationship better.

My Comment: According to Kabbalah, spouses meet in bed only for conversation and sex, but not for sleep. They should sleep in different rooms, or at least in separate beds.

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Two questions I received on marriage:

Question: I just came back from the Congress, which was wonderful, as I had expected! One of the things I noticed was that many people, myself included, started thinking of getting married to another Kabbalah student and starting a Kabbalistic family. However, I also hear some people say that it doesn’t really matter who you marry, because it’s for the spiritual goal. But doesn’t there have to be more of a connection between the partners than just Kabbalah?

My Answer: A person who studies Kabbalah in a serious way needs a partner who will support and understand him or her. Otherwise, their life together won’t work. If you are already married, then you should do everything you can to make your partner understand you and support your studies. In return, they should receive your continuous gratitude and compliance when it comes to other problems you have in common.

Question: My husband has been studying in a group for a long time, but my point in the heart hasn’t awakened yet. From the beginning I was obliged to comply, and I live according to the rules of Bnei Baruch because I don’t have any other choice. Divorce is not an option for either of us. Kabbalah says there is no coercion in spirituality. But isn’t this situation considered coercion in regard to me?

My Answer: Each spouse has to understand that if the other has a need to attain the purpose of life, this aspiration cannot be opposed since it is the only aspiration that’s higher than our life.

However, I understand you, because if you still haven’t revealed the aspiration to reach the purpose of life, you cannot understand another person who aspires to it. In this case, you simply should agree to your husband’s studies. Besides, I think him studying Kabbalah is a much better “hobby” than some of the other interests married men often have.

If your husband would give in to you, this would be an even greater coercion. I don’t think he forces you to engage in spiritual work, and I don’t understand the statement, “I live according to the rules of Bnei Baruch because I don’t have any other choice.” What does it mean to live by the rules of Bnei Baruch? Women don’t have to come to our center. There are no studies or other responsibilities for women. You and your children can be complete strangers to us!

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In the News (from Daily Telegraph): “Marriage not regarded as ‘best relationship’ by young adults” Marriage is no longer regarded as the best form of a relationship by younger generations, the largest survey of public attitudes in Britain shows. Married couples will be in the minority by next year, as increasing numbers of people choose to live together out of wedlock.

My Comment: This is happening because the global egoism is now being revealed, and it shows us how interconnected we all are and how much we don’t desire this connection. Therefore, in our time, if we don’t start correcting ourselves, transforming our quality of “using everyone” to the quality of “serving everyone,” we will end up with a complete breakdown of the family unit, which is the basic building block of society.

Such a breakdown of the family unit, the basis of life, is only happening to humans. It does not happen to animals because they don’t have the same egoistic bond between spouses as people do, who must attain the unity where “all are as one,” according to the law of the Mutual Guarantee (Arvut).

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A question I received: My husband and I are both students of Kabbalah. We have created a family together; my husband has a practical profession that affords us a “normal” position in this world. We are happy! However, our extended family (parents and siblings) that desire to remain inside their egoism, insist that we must make greater efforts to gather excess. How should we respond to them and restrain their aim to disconnect us?

My Answer: Gently but firmly, tell them that you and your husband are a separate family and they have no right to tell you how to live your life. Let them see who’s right and who’s wrong in the developing conditions of crisis.

However, you also have to understand them, as they were raised with the principle, “you have to work hard in order to provide a good future for you and your children.”

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News Report (from International Herald Tribune): “New worry in Europe over credit crisis” At the conference in Frankfurt, the chief executive of Deutsche Bank, Josef Ackermann, lamented the market’s lack of confidence, which he said generated daily rumors about the next bank or fund in trouble. “I think it is important to spend time with family,” Ackermann said.

My Comment: People agree that spending time with family is the best source of optimism in time of crisis, because you feel their support, love and warmth. But imagine that everyone felt familial support, love and warmth from the whole world – if every one of us felt that the entire world is our family! Then no crisis could ever scare us; they would all simply disappear!

News Report (from Science): “Does marriage sink a scientific career or send it soaring?” Satoshi Kanazawa, a psychologist at the University of Canterbury in Christchurch, New Zealand, analyzed a biographical database of 280 great scientists. Kanazawa noted an interesting trend, “The productivity of male scientists tends to drop right after marriage.” … Marriage has also been shown to have an adverse impact on the careers of female scientists.

My Comment: This cannot be considered damage caused by marriage, since it is certainly not obvious that scientific development is more useful than marriage.

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