Question: When I check my integrity, I see that I can’t constantly worry about mutual guarantee. I find it much easier to take some concrete external issue and make a check mark in my diary.
Answer: This is also good. The “check marks” are also necessary. After all, our way is all about the recognition of evil. The problem is that we hardly see that we advance.
I feel stupid, but I still come to study and participate in the group activities. I feel desperate, helpless, and lacking in intention, but still I go on. At the same time, I don’t understand that it is the Light that operates on me in this way. If it weren’t for the Light, I wouldn’t be able to move. I would totally collapse.
So I experience ups and downs simultaneously. Although you feel desperate, you can still go on. Although you feel disrespect and regret, you still hug your friends and sing with them. If you are constantly moving forward, falling but also rising, these are not separate periods of despair and encouragement that change from time to time, but rather two lines that are opposite each other and between which there is the amplitude of the states you are in. This is already a sign of advancement.
You should understand that if I recognize the evil in me more accurately today, it is already a great step forward because it is the Light that reveals in me what I couldn’t see previously. Yesterday I thought that I don’t harm you in any way, and today I am surprised to discover that I treat you badly. Tomorrow I will feel sorry that I can’t change.
On one hand, this makes me feel more desperate, and on the other, I should say to myself: “Just a minute, where does all this come from? I feel worse because a greater Light flows upon me. So this is a sign that I am winning, I am growing, and the evil inclination is growing with me, in competition with me.”
The quality of the evil revealed in me is a sign of advancement. It isn’t easy to attain it, and such a discovery costs dearly. After all, I acquire a great treasure and finally discover the shattering and how to correct it.
From the 4th part of the Daily Kabbalah Lesson 10/31/2011, “The Love for the Creator and Love for the Created Beings”