A question I received: I have a very important question! Fifteen years ago, I became religious and joined a religious school because the point of my soul awakened in my heart! I wanted Eternity, but did not know how. I found the studies at the religious seminary to be shallow, and anything that reached deeper required me to “break” my personality, making me sad and remorseful (for having a boyfriend). I cried, had conversations with “G-d,” felt hopeless, fearful, envious, and nullified my desires!
I tried to wipe out my personality, and suffered in order to become righteous! But it was all foolish! Little by little I understood that I was doing idolatry, yet I told myself that this was impossible – after all, it was the Torah! And all the rabbis said, “The Torah, the commandments!” For years I knew that this wasn’t it, and I was struggling, yet wasn’t able to explain it! I was studying at a very prestigious religious school in Jerusalem, with the best rabbis, yet I intuitively understood that they were lacking something! I felt depressed, alone, and couldn’t find myself. I argued with them, saying that they were engaging in questions of minor importance! A week ago, I was lucky to turn on the Kabbalah channel, and I said, “This is what I need! This is what I’ve been looking for!” That was after I saw just one TV show.
I got lucky! And this is just the beginning! I pity many rabbis! I got burned, not warmed, by their Torah! Maybe it’s because my father was a righteous man that I merited not to believe their nonsense, their empty words! I’m sorry for saying so, but in my opinion they are all the same – just lecturers!
Finally, here is my question. After being so suppressed, that I can’t even describe it, do I have a chance to be spiritually revived to the state I was born into? By my nature, I was connected to society, and I understood what “Israel” is, but religion spoiled this eternity for me! I apologize for such a long question and the efforts you’re making for me! In the past I thought, “It’s fine to break your character.” That’s what I was taught, and I simply wiped myself out, I fasted and was even happy to suffer spiritually. Later, I began crying because everything was passing me by!
Do I have a chance? If yes, what is it? It’s very important to me! Will I ever regain the strength I once had? I used to feel love for the people, love for deliverance, love for modesty, love for eternity, love for society! And suddenly all of this turned into anger, fear, failure, religious egoism, collecting commandments, and religious idolatry.
My Answer: Everything you studied, and everything that happened to you, was supposed to happen exactly the way it did, and will be of use to you. You shouldn’t accuse anybody, because until this moment in your life, everything took place according to the Creator’s will. From this moment onward, you should continue behaving as usual, but supplement your life with Kabbalah study. Start with the book Shamati (ed. see below), and then continue with the articles of Baal HaSulam. Or it could be better for you to listen and watch our lessons (ed. see below) instead of reading by yourself. Try it. You should only look forward – never backward!
Lessons by Michael Laitman:
Daily Kabbalah Lessons given by Rav Michael Laitman, PhD are broadcast live on Kabbalah TV: 3:20am until 6:00am Israel (GMT+2) time, Sunday to Friday, [Time Zone Converter], and are archived on the Kabbalah Media Archive.