Comment: Psychologists say that each of us often wants to force other people to change their behavior or point of view. We know this very well. The boss wants to change employees so that they work more. Employees want to change the boss to have him or her be more flexible. We change husbands, wives, friends, and so on. And all attempts, most of the time, fail.
Some psychologists also propose that within four steps you can change almost anyone, and the first step is to change yourself. The first step is: to turn from a critic into an ally.
How can we turn from a critic into an ally? Can this advice be put into practice or is it a utopian fantasy? What do you think?
My Response: Why on earth would I agree with someone? Never! Then everyone will be taking advantage of me?! I do not agree to this in advance.
Comment: The second step is determine the result you want to get together. Can it be? I am against someone, but together we are building what we want to come to.
My Response: I agree with that. The vision of the future must be mutual. Despite the fact that I am against the other and I want to bend him and change him; nevertheless, we need to determine the future and then through gradual movement toward this future, we can already get closer.
Comment: The third step: to discuss together how to solve the problem.
My Response: This is correct. This is unrealistic, but correct.
Comment: The fourth: together build a step-by-step plan for achieving results.
My Response: This is very hard.
Comment: Hard? If we are in such a relationship, then as they say, everyone has their own plan.
My Response: Yes. And then, as this plan unfolds, you will see that you absolutely do not agree.
Question: Does it mean that the other one twists the plan for himself all the time and I twist it for myself?
Question: Then the question is: how can one build a relationship so as not to seek to change the other person? Psychologists say it can be done in four steps. What do you say? My natural state is to change the other for myself. How can I not do this, this is the guarantee of all wars, all quarrels, everything?
Answer: Just love the other. That’s all.
Again, we return to the first question. If we understand that the most important thing in our life is to be close to someone who understands you, helps you, loves you, and appreciates you, then we must really appreciate this and sacrifice everything for this.
Comment: That is, I practically really sacrifice my entire “I,” which requires conditions for itself. And say that, “I want to learn to love.”
My Response: Yes. I want to learn to love this person because I want to be with him. That’s all. It is good if he also thinks this way. Then it is a really really great, mutual, and very unusual feeling.
Question: Are you, in fact, addressing not only couples, but also potentially an employee, a boss, and even countries?
Answer: Practically, yes. This state of “learn to love” should shine above everything.
It needs to be taught. But, unfortunately, there is no such education. When we get old and understand, we no longer have the strength to do it. It does not work to approach the younger generation and try to pass something on to them. They ignore us and we try, but we cannot get closer. As Freud said, “If youth knew, if age could.”
Question: Do you think that everyone needs to receive blows? Are we simply unable to avoid them?
Answer: We need to demonstrate this intensively in all books and at schools. In general, we need to teach this to people. Moreover, to people at all ages. Then the entire society will be filled with this approach. We need to make sure that all this is up in the air, then it will become possible to love.
From KabTV’s “News with Dr. Michael Laitman” 6/27/22