Question: Why is it that my mind understands that the Creator is worthy of being justified for what He is doing to me right now, but I am feeling bad nonetheless? Why can’t I affect my inner state with external actions such as a prayer?
Answer: What your desire is feeling at the moment is, in fact, you. In spirituality, you can’t pretend and say something you don’t feel. You have to come to the correction of your heart. And before anything else, we still have to figure out what exactly is in our hearts.
If you are crying, what is crying in you: your eyes or your heart? That’s the difference! The problem is that everything we do is on the outside, while the science of Kabbalah is the internal wisdom, the inner part of the Torah. You must dig into the heart of hearts, study, and test it.
Then you’ll understand that external actions only stand in your way and cover the authentic image up; they deceive and confuse you. You need to bare your heart and work with it without any outer theatrics, laments, and tears!
If you take a sedative and stop raging, will it really turn a sinner in you into a righteous one? No, everything is evaluated by the inner feeling in the heart. And we know what it is like. We think that all we have to do is to become embittered and make ourselves cry. Kabbalah doesn’t cancel external actions, but it wants them to reflect the internal state since without it being true, our work is pointless, and we won’t fulfill our designation.
Therefore, don’t fear that you’ll have to become a “sinner” at one point and “righteous” at another. They are two stages of the same spiritual degree, as it is said: “One cannot carry out a Mitzva (commandment) unless one breaks it first.” This means that one first undergoes the burdening of the heart (an additional load of egoism), and he is regarded as a “sinner” who broke the “Mitzva” and feels to what extent he is unable to do it.
And then, he gets stronger with the help of the environment, demands the Light that Reforms, corrects his desire, and becomes “righteous,” only to fall again. After all, he receives another dose of egoistic desire and turns into a “sinner” once more, in order to keep correcting himself in order to become “righteous.” It is said: “A thousand times the righteous will fall and rise again.”
Every spiritual degree starts with a new load of egoism, and you start it as “a sinner.” Afterward, you finish correcting it and reach adhesion with the Creator at this degree, and then you are regarded as the righteous.
From the 1st part of the Daily Kabbalah Lesson 5/2/2011, Shamati No. 16