From Writings of Rabash, Shlavey Ha Sulam, Article 16, 1984 “The Matter of Bestowal”: There is a rule that if one wants to reach a certain goal and knows that it is impossible to reach it without toil, then one exerts effort and ignores rest. And if a person engages in Kabbalah and inner work, it means that he has a spiritual need and expects to receive the desired in this way. Hence, before starting his work, one needs to examine what one is expecting to receive with its help, meaning what reward is he expecting from his work? And when a person starts pondering about it, an array of different thoughts come to him, and it is hard for him to understand what he truly wants….
We always find ourselves in misgivings and doubts: “What do I need all this for; why am I doing this?” We don’t know the true reason since it is hidden from us. This great chasm of doubt seems endless and many gradually stop analyzing these questions. The more one delves into them, the more questions arise in him; meanwhile, regular life keeps flowing along. And thus one stops pondering about it and no longer looks for the answer.
But why did the Creator prepare for us so many considerations, so many paths and thoughts, such as “why, what for, and how?” I cannot escape these thoughts, and the more I think about them the more confused I become. Was it really His intention that I should fall into despair and quit it all? If I don’t clarify all of it fully, if I don’t reveal for myself the new degree, I will not advance. So why is He putting obstacles in my way?
The Creator does it so that only those who seek to attain bestowal, to become like Him, and are willing to work for it will come to Him. I tried to reach bestowal and realized that I know nothing, that I am in total darkness, and, thus, need help from Above. On the one hand, I am ready to give everything because the exerted efforts grant me strength to go on toward the goal. If I have invested great efforts to achieving some goal, I can’t abandon it easily. I’ve already invested so much! I am prepared to pay so as to not let my investment go to waste.
If I understand that bestowal exists and that I must achieve it by all means, the disillusionment in my own strength gives rise to the true prayer.
From the 1st part of the Daily Kabbalah Lesson 6/24/10, Article, “The Matter of Bestowal”