We receive the force of bestowal from Above not knowing what it is since it belongs to the existence in another dimension. By ascents and descents we reach a state in which we begin to understand that we should ask to exist in another force, in the force of bestowal. I don’t want to depend on my mood, on whether I feel that something is pleasant or not, but rather I want to be above all that.
First the egoistic desire motivates me, but gradually, by the Light that Reforms, as a result of an increasingly greater influence of the upper force that changes me, I begin to want to rise because of what I feel. Each time when I feel the sweetness of my getting closer to the Creator, as a result of my work in order to bestow, of connection, in all manifestations of spiritual states, I “catch” myself and ask to be allowed to be in this state not because it’s sweet, pleasant, and comfortable, or warms me with the Creator’s greatness, the importance of the goal, the importance of my unique upper mission.
I would rather feel my lowliness, although the feeling of lowliness can also be felt in different ways and sometimes stems from great pride. But I feel such lowliness that enables me not to be bribed by pleasure, by fillings in the mind and heart; I would rather be driven by another force, which I don’t understand and only know that it’s the force of faith. It enables me to be independent of my own reason, which is called being above reason.
If I really demand to be above the fulfillment in my heart and mind, the result is something that transcends the limits of this world, some empty space. Then I pray and ask for faith, which means the force of bestowal that the Light should bring me in order to free me from the connection to myself, from the dependency on any most entrancing taste, from all of Malchut of Ein Sof (Infinity) that is full of pleasures.
I want to be above all that, in the force of bestowal, in order not to see and not to ask to see the Creator’s greatness, in order to not be dependent on any pleasures, fillings, and knowledge. I am above that and do not rely on anything. And the sign for this state is joy.
From the Preparation to the Daily Kabbalah Lesson 2/4/13