Intersecting Circles

laitman_628_1Question: How do we choose the appropriate partner? Where do we begin?

Answer: Follow the general law of nature in which everything seeks balance. So, the more similarity there is between the partners, the more compatible they are with each other. The similarity is in the education that they received, their values, their worldview, and their behavior in various internal and external situations. It is necessary to look for compatibility, and the more that couples are like each other, the more the family has a chance to succeed.

So first, it is up to the person to examine himself to understand who he truly is, and this is done with the help of talks, joint activities, and workshops. First of all, one must know human nature, study its psychology, through which I already will begin to understand who I am, what motivates me, and how and why I react in such a way.

It is necessary to find out how many reactions various people have for the same problem, ordinary life situations, and check how similar our reactions are so that we can understand each other. Perhaps, I am in a completely different situation now, but the response of my partner is clear to me, and I would react exactly like that if I were in a similar situation.

For this, we must teach a person to go outside of himself and be “clothed” in other situations, looking at himself from the side. He must check his responses in different situations, and then he will understand how many different types of behaviors exist in him, the different reactions and different patterns from which he is composed, and now it is up to me to understand which patterns the other person is composed of.

We use an approach like this in not only searching for a partner, but generally, in understanding another person. We must clarify how many different situations there can be, how many reactions, mood swings, and changes, to the extent that I can understand him and be clothed in his image. Can I imagine myself in his place? We give each other signs that we understand each other, that we agree and accept each other.

This is a study of the person, who he is and which forms of behavior he can have. There are various types of people: hotheaded, optimistic, melancholy, and indifferent (choleric, sanguine, melancholic, and phlegmatic). Psychology has clear criteria for these standard types and is able to determine which of them are compatible with each other. In this way, it isn’t a problem to classify people according to groups. As a result of workshops, discussions, and bonds created during games, they will understand who is more compatible with them.

The learning begins with talks and lectures that are designed to help singles understand what human nature is, with what intensity egoistic inclinations are discovered, and how much we depend upon the opinion of the environment, in other words, that we are compelled to submit to our internal impulses and societal pressures. Our behavior is determined by habits that we get through previous education. We must try to see what habits we are woven from and understand that the person standing in front of you is a complex personality of countless habits, and that I cannot “turn” him according to my desire.

After all, each of us expects that our partner will react exactly like we do at every moment in life and will behave like I want, but I must understand the other person and agree that, within each of us, there are a set of different human images to which I must accommodate myself or else I will not be able to be connected with him. In this way, I begin to discover flexibility regarding the other, building something compatible to both of us at every moment within all of his and my internal patterns. That is how we learn the simplest sociology of human behavior and that of any human society.

We must act exactly this way, for all of nature seeks balance, connection, and accommodation to equivalence of form at every moment. In the general system, everything depends on how much the components and the integration of the components become compatible with each other, until a homogeneous society is attained. Each is left with his freedom, yet he knows how to accommodate himself to everyone else. The general consensus depends upon this.

That same general rule operates within the family as well. That is what we must teach everyone. It is appropriate for the person found within the larger society as well as for familial peace. The same rules apply everywhere.

To establish a family, everyone must be a psychologist. We have no choice! We are facing a situation where we cannot connect between us in any other way. Previously, this connection was a natural connection as it is with animals, but we are no longer on the animate level. We have risen to the new level of Adam (Man). So, we must learn to build seemingly artificial connections that are not derived from our nature.

Man is not an egoistic and primitive creature. He must complement his egoism so that he will not alienate others but will reach connection with them. To do this, it is up to me to constantly concede a bit of my ego to make it possible for others to intrude my space, and my partner makes it possible for me to penetrate his space. Then we establish a connection between us.

I am one circle, and my partner is another circle. We begin to bring our circles closer together so that each one of us penetrates into a common segment, even though this is still a small segment. We then examine this common territory and make sure that we constantly maintain it between us. This is only possible though negating myself.
From KabTV’s “A New Life” 6/9/13

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