Question: How do we move from “49 Gates of Impurity” to the 50^th gate?

Answer: First of all, I have to feel my state, to understand that my nature will not allow me to do anything. The ego can easily kill me and control me. There is no mercy from it—this is my most bitter enemy, like Haman and Pharaoh.

We need to decide that our desire to enjoy does not fit our life at all, that it is not acceptable in any thought, aspiration, or action, that we cannot use it in any form and not even in the smallest amount. It is preferable not to do anything! Because any movement that happens is only in the direction of the ego, and this is what I cannot allow. Even more, I need to understand that I cannot hide from it. I yearn to live in the quality of bestowal! I understand that this attraction also derives from the desire to receive, because for the time being I am in Egypt, but I want to rise above it.

I am in darkness, recognizing my complete powerlessness and not seeing who can help me if not the Light that will come from above, which I have no connection and relation to, and I don’t have any possibility to awaken it. If this force will come to my help, this will really be a miracle that I did not hope would happen.

I am willing to continue to stay in Egypt as much as needed. The sensation of the exile in Egypt, of darkness, is preferable to me than to see Egypt in the time of seven years of satiety. I very much appreciate spirituality that I feel now from the opposite side. From within darkness, from inside the opposite form, I can imagine the Light—what is called “sanctity.”

These states are completely opposite each other. Two lines are revealed. We invest tremendous efforts to connect, to bestow, and to be in the “right line.” Opposite to this is revealed that we are not able to do it, and then we fall and do not achieve any results. Anything we succeeded in yesterday crumbles today, and what we do today will disintegrate the next day.

We go out to dissemination, try to succeed in any way possible, prepare conventions, and where have we arrived? There is nothing to show. A person studies for 10 years, but it looks as if he started only yesterday. How could it be? All the results pass in a moment, like water into sand, and nothing is left. It means that we are in slavery and don’t receive anything from our efforts. Even though we are the most successful, we are nearing the Creator, we believe the sages that told us to progress above mind and feeling; that’s all we have and we are willing to work like that.

These two lines need to be revealed clearly and we have to yearn to the right—to connection, to dissemination, to invest all forces in this and not to calculate from our inner state.

It is similar to a mother with small children who is sick, and although she feels bad, she must get up and take of them. She does not care how much she will suffer because the children are most important to her. That’s also how we need to act; the main thing is the work and it is not important what we feel inside.

The main reason for all the complaints is that people cannot agree with the work that happens in darkness. Also when the Creator will be revealed, our work in darkness will continue. It means that I agree with the darkness and relate to it as a great condition to continue my work. Therefore darkness becomes Light for me.

I obtain a screen and want that the force of restriction will control me and will give me the possibility to work above the restriction (Tzimtzum) and the screen, and to raise the Returning Light from a completely dark state of the desire to receive.  From this I build my desire to bestow. I take all the empty vessels from Egypt and leave only the egoistic approach of Pharaoh there.

But the desires to receive remain in darkness and I take care that the darkness of Egypt stays there. From this state, from the darkness in all my desires, only one desire, which is mine, the desire to bestow, must exit and grow. This is called the “exit of the children of Israel from Egypt.”

And the huge desires for pleasure remain in the darkness of Egypt, and I build the new degree above them in faith above reason.

I want that the darkness will stay, and that the desires to receive will never be fulfilled in their regular form. This is how I build a new attitude to the world and to the Creator—above my inner desire. Inside me I am dead, sick, it does not matter how I feel; above this I build the form of bestowal. Like a mother that takes care of her baby and does everything he needs even though she doesn’t feel well.

We need to understand what actually our exit from Egypt is —ascent from a state called “Egypt.”

This is our new approach to the desire to receive and the possibility to bestow.
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From the 1^st part of the Daily Kabbalah Lesson 4/9/14, Shamati #54

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